DD and holidays. Oh what fun it is to ride the emotional rollercoaster. **Updated**

[Greentreelady]

Its been a few weeks since DD and I am still in a hysterical fog that cant be lifted. I keep reliving the timeline of how I ended up in this spot in my life. I figured maybe typing it out would help. Maybe..

6 years of US being together

 

2014ish

 

I knew that our marriage was having issues but no matter how much I tried to talk to my H about our lack of communication or sex {when we did have sex, I felt like a hole and IT HURT}, he would shut me out by diving into the video games. I would sit by him and try to talk but he would get frustrated with me for trying to talk while he was playing, so I would wait for him to be done. More often than not, I would wait til 1 or 2am for him to get off or I would just go to bed alone. I would do this even though I would have to be up at530 for work. Sleep didn’t matter at that point. Reconnecting with him did. Figuring out what was braking us mattered more.

 

I thought maybe it was stress at work as his boss was really mean and always belittling him but that wouldn’t explain why he wouldn’t help around the house when I asked or why he would promise to do things with me or as a family but when the day would come that we were to go out he would start fights over everything from what the kids were wearing, what we would eat, weather. Anything really. Then he would tell me that the dinner I made wasn’t what he wanted and made a sandwich…. A bloody sandwich after I worked 10 hours, spent 2 hours in the kitchen making dinner while in my work clothes, helping the kids with homework, cleaning, and paying bills.

 

I couldn’t make sense of why he was doing this. Where was the wonderful caring man I have loved for 6 years? Where was our 50/50 that was our foundation?

Then He started talking to girls at work and told me they were just friends and If I talked to guy at work { I work in a very male dominated environment} then he could to. Ok, I get that but I am not talking to them about OUR issues. I am not asking them for advise, I am not accepting gifts from them. When you talk to them about US you leave nothing for US to talk about to fix US. I cant help US if I don’t know whats bothering YOU.

Things just got worse. It was a snowball that I couldn’t stop. He wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say about anything that involved us, the kids, house, finances, nothing. I was always in the wrong about something. I cried to him so many nights asking what happened, Why wont you talk to me? His reply was always the same. “ I love you, everything is fine” Its not fine or I wouldn’t be crying you asshat.

 

May 2015

Then one day I got our monthly bill for our cell phones. His texts had jumped from 300 to 2000+. WTELF? After lots of fighting he came clean about texting and deleting text from a girl at work. He told me about the sexting, the compliments, the caring for her. That it all started with asking her for advise on US. She wanted to be his friend and help him……. but not friend the wife………. I told him this was an emotional affair { sadly I knew about those already} and that it was bad news. She was going to **** with his head, turn him against me, She could get him fired. The whole bloody thing smelled WRONG! He said that he was sorry and that he wouldn’t do it anymore. I should have known that wasn’t going to be the last of it because the farewell text he sent blamed me but I hoped that now we could talk.

 

JUne 2015

Enter in the OW buying him a burner phone. ( that he conviniantly threw away a day before DD) He became a monster at this point. Yelling, slamming him fist or hands on everything within reach when we fought. Belittling me, threatening me, disrespectful comments, accusing me of cheating, lying, hiding things. Fights over what I bought for dinner. Anything set him off. I knew then that the OW was still around. The words that I was hearing were not my H.

At this same time She spent a lot of time stroking his ego, making fun of me and telling him how horrible I was and how she would NEVER do that to him because he was sooooo great. After some time OW then started to work her way into convincing him I was cheating and all the other things he accused me of. H listened and fell down that hole. I tried to reach in there multiple times and get him but he wouldn’t take my hand. I would tell him “ I know OW is still in your life, Your still talking to her. We can get through this, just talk to me” but he wouldn’t. He liked where he was I think. The love and ego strokes that I gave him on a daily bases were not enough. He wanted more I guess.

 

JUly 2016

One day he promised to watch a movie with me but wanted to have a beer after work. Ok sure, have fun. Then 9 pm roles around and hes not home. He turns off his phone and I just kmew he was with the OW.

 

August 2016

Then we took our yearly trip and I found my H!!! OMG it was wonderful. There he was, My SOULMATE! He was there the whole time on that trip. Laughing, jokes, hikes, passion. We talked more those 5 days then we had the last 4 years! I was hopeful again and thought we are going to make it. but instead of my H coming home with me I ended up taking home a 2 faced monster that was battling insde my H for dominance. It was a nightmare. One day He was a sweetheart, the next a bastard. He pulled me in so many direction I couldn’t find up. It had to end. I knew it. And it did, just not the way I thought it would.

 

December 17 2016

OW sent a text to his main phone that talked about ‘why are you ignoring me, remember when we walked with lake together? Can we do it again. Can we go here? I miss you so much and other stuff.

I asked him one last time to tell me the truth. That night he didn’t but I had already sent her a message thru FB. The next day she responded and did I ever work the “ we the wronged women” to get every last detail out of her. I knew things would be fabricated from her. I knew things would be twisted but I also knew I could find truths in there. As I was talking to her I called him and confronted him on the few things that I had learned so far. He actually asked me why I was doing this. Why was I talking to her. Ummm because you are lying. He came home and told me everything. BUT ITS OK CAUSE HE ONLY HAD SEX 3 TMES AND HEAD TWICe, but shared everything about US, about ME, about our KIDS with her. He told her he loved her.

 

Now I am left with burned out house I called my marriage, that I fought tooth and nail for even though I knew I would losing, and have to figure out whats next. Divorse? Reconciliation? Hysterical humping? This cant be the end but it feels that way. Even with him doing everything that He did when the marrage was great. He helps with the kids, with the house, takes care of calls that need to be made because he now remembers how hard it is to while I am at work. He is talking about everything that has been on his brain in the past to get him to the A, all the thoughts that he has now He isn’t holding back. He even signed a separation contract that protects me from all the threats he has made to me over the years. Is it enough after everything? Only time and healing will tell. I just want the pain to stop, my heart hurts, its hard to find motivation in anything. Ive lost32 bloody pounds!

[aileD]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I know all too well the pain you are going through and the roller coaster of emotions you are dealing with.

 

Is he willing to see a counselor? There is something called "discernment counseling". Google it for more info but the gist of it is counseling not to save the marriage but to decided together if it's worth saving or you'd be better ending it. Usually lasts 6-8 weeks

 

In the meantime. Take care of you and your kids. Get rest, talk to people. It's a long slow road to wherever you are headed, you need to have stamina and protect yourself

 

You will find comfort here

[Overtaxed]

I am so sorry for you. I know, for me, finding out that it was A and "not me" was like a weight lifted from my shoulders. Then it all came crashing back down when I realized my W was intimate with another man. But, at least I knew what the problem was, during the A, I felt like I was losing my mind!

 

August 2016

Then we took our yearly trip and I found my H!!! OMG it was wonderful. There he was, My SOULMATE! He was there the whole time on that trip. Laughing, jokes, hikes, passion. We talked more those 5 days then we had the last 4 years! I was hopeful again and thought we are going to make it. but instead of my H coming home with me I ended up taking home a 2 faced monster that was battling insde my H for dominance. It was a nightmare. One day He was a sweetheart, the next a bastard. He pulled me in so many direction I couldn’t find up. It had to end. I knew it. And it did, just not the way I thought it would.

 

December 17 2016

OW sent a text to his main phone that talked about ‘why are you ignoring me, remember when we walked with lake together? Can we do it again. Can we go here? I miss you so much and other stuff.

I asked him one last time to tell me the truth. That night he didn’t but I had already sent her a message thru FB. The next day she responded and did I ever work the “ we the wronged women to get every last detail out of her. I knew things would be fabricated from her. I knew things would be twisted but I also knew I could find truths in there. As I was talking to her I called him and confronted him on the few things that I had learned so far. He actually asked me why I was doing this. Why was I talking to her. Ummm because you are lying. He came home and told me everything. BUT ITS OK CAUSE HE ONLY HAD SEX 3 TMES AND HEAD TWICe, but shared everything about US, about ME, about our KIDS with her. He told her he loved her.

 

The only thing I can say, from my (very new) experience in this, the history re-writing will make you crazy. Remember, IT'S NOT YOU, it's them who has the issue/problem. It isn't, and it never was, your fault. My wife had re-written our history to "all bad for years" and I was starting to believe it. Then I looked at some photos we'd taken, about 1 month before the A started, we were on a vacation having a great time, talking about the future, having plenty of loving time together... It wasn't "all bad" before the A. It WAS all bad during the A; the entire thing turned to crap.

 

Also, I know others will warn you, but you do need to be prepared. More truth will likely come out over the days/weeks that follow. "Sex 3 times" becomes "3 times in one day". It's called trickle truth, and it seems almost universal.

 

Are you sure the A is over? Have you had your husband get tested for STDs? Do you know if you want to reconcile ® or divorce (D) yet? Read up on the 180, your husband WILL make this your fault and you will wind up apologizing for much of this if you're not able to make him see where the problem really lies (him).

 

Best of luck to you. I'm about 1 month out from D-day. I've lost about 50 lbs. My sleep is still terrible (admittedly, it wasn't that great before!). I'm still in a fog at work and spend the vast majority of my day thinking about the A and what happened in my life. It's going to take time. There are a lot of great people on this board who can share good and bad experiences with you, I've found it immensely helpful. Keep posting, and take care of yourself and your family first!

[Popsicle]

Umm, leave?

[elaine567]

 

2014ish

I knew that our marriage was having issues but no matter how much I tried to talk to my H about our lack of communication or sex {when we did have sex, I felt like a hole and IT HURT}, he would shut me out by diving into the video games. I would sit by him and try to talk but he would get frustrated with me for trying to talk while he was playing, so I would wait for him to be done. More often than not, I would wait til 1 or 2am for him to get off or I would just go to bed alone. I would do this even though I would have to be up at530 for work. Sleep didn’t matter at that point. Reconnecting with him did. Figuring out what was braking us mattered more.

I thought maybe it was stress at work as his boss was really mean and always belittling him but that wouldn’t explain why he wouldn’t help around the house when I asked or why he would promise to do things with me or as a family but when the day would come that we were to go out he would start fights over everything from what the kids were wearing, what we would eat, weather. Anything really. Then he would tell me that the dinner I made wasn’t what he wanted and made a sandwich…. A bloody sandwich after I worked 10 hours, spent 2 hours in the kitchen making dinner while in my work clothes, helping the kids with homework, cleaning, and paying bills.

 

^^^This was the time to leave. This was when he checked out of your marriage.

YOU have made excuse after excuse for him, and you are still doing it today.

[Greentreelady]

Also, I know others will warn you, but you do need to be prepared. More truth will likely come out

 

over the days/weeks that follow. "Sex 3 times" becomes "3 times in one day". It's called trickle truth, and it seems almost universal.

 

Are you sure the A is over? Have you had your husband get tested for STDs?

 

 

Yes, i am sure its over. Several things happened. He faced timed her while i was talking to her and told her it was over. The AP then sent his boss a letter telling the boss all about their affair and due to it being a huge NO NO at work the WH was fired. The burner phone is gone from what i know, and truthfully if you go back to the AP that had you fired your bloody dumb, enjoy that.

 

He did a STD test the first week of DD.

 

While i was being friendly and saying "poor us" to the AP she confirmed that it was only 3sex and 2 head. She could have easily had made the number bigger but she chose to state that it wasnt about the sex, they connected on a much deeper level then that.

Edited February 11, 2017 by Greentreelady

[wmacbride]

Umm, leave?

 

Normally, I'm in favor or reconciling if it's what's best for both spouses, but int his case, I don't think it is.

 

The issue here goes beyond just the H and his incredible ability to lie, The ow sounds like a manipulative twit, and she will keep popping her head into their M whenever she can.

 

btw, it's not uncommon for an ow to try and convince the mm his wi=fe is cheating. Been there, done that, don't want the t-shirt.

[Greentreelady]

I do not know if i will do divorce or reconciliation. Im to muddled i guess. Shock shock is a good word

[Greentreelady]

49 days after the BIG DD.

 

As its been pointed out on my first post, ive had multiple DDs, which now in hindsight i do see. I wanted to make this work even knowing that. I come to think that it wont work though. My WH is still minipulating me. Says he will go to IC, says he is talking to a counselor to make an appointment but hes not. Says he wants to support me but then comes back with not supporting me emotionally. Throws up the " well i gave you everthing in the contract, im left with nothing. What else do you want from me" like hes a victim or something.

 

He is nice and helpful one minute but then tells me that im trying to find anything to ruin us because i dont want it to work. He gets angry that i go out with my friends to bowl or grab coffee because i use cash and he doesnt know where or who im with even though i told him where i was and with who. Brings up things that have no baring on anything that we are talking about. Remorseful one minute then next placing blame on the AP for suckong him in or me for not trying hard enough.

He even said that if it was so bad during the A why didnt I leave. " you could have left me too" wtf. Its like watching someone that has multiple personally. Hes mainly remorseful and says he needs to make amends but then some of his words and actions say he really doesnt wnt to

 

I kicked him out wed til sunday jist so i could breathe a bit and these past few days have been nice. I ate and kept it down. Gained back 3 of the 30+ pounds i lost, slept all night, cried and felt good afterwards because he wasnt hovering demanding i talk to him. No shaking, anxiety.

But hes coming back today and all the bad things are coming back too. I feel them building up.

 

I feel like he just doesnt want to lose everything and is trying not to feel the full damage of what he has done so hes trying to fix things. Like " i just lost my cake, i cant lose the baker"

 

Any and all thoughts are welcome plz

[HereNorThere]

Has anyone pointed out that you are a really good example of the sunk cost fallacy?

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-files/201409/letting-go-sunk-costs

 

Don't keep pouring money into a losing stock. Sometimes you need to cut your losses and find a new investment. That time, money and effort is gone forever and you can't bring it back. It would stupid to continue investing in someone who isn't worth it regardless of what you've already lost.

[aileD]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

Recovery is a long, long, process with many ups and downs...extreme highs and extreme lows. And it can last for years.

 

I think your WH is not dealing with his own shame and disgust for what he's done and so instead of delving deep into himself to see what could have made him the type of person to do this, he's just blaming everyone around him to avoid dealing with himself.

 

Are you doing marriage counseling?

 

You can't save your marriage by yourself. That said, sometimes we are so hurt that we don't see the things that the WH is doing because they are not the things we want or need...so we say "oh they're doing nothing"

 

Is he truly doing nothing? If so some boundaries need to be set. Maybe he needs to stay out of the house till he's got a few IC sessions done. Or whatever boundary you want .

 

He's going to lash out because he doesn't want to look at himself. Maybe you need to call him out on that

 

And if you're committed to reconciliation, know that it's a long process

 

Good luck

[Overtaxed]

I do not know if i will do divorce or reconciliation. Im to muddled i guess. Shock shock is a good word

 

Keep posting. I can't promise it will help you as it has me, but, I'd say it has a good chance of helping you without a ton of time (and no money spent) invested. There are good people on this board who really will help you see through the affair smoke your WS will throw at you, and lot of good suggestions for how to come to the stay/go decision point.

 

You'll be in my prayers, best wishes.

[Greentreelady]

Has anyone pointed out that you are a really good example of the sunk cost fallacy?

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-files/201409/letting-go-sunk-costs

 

Don't keep pouring money into a losing stock. Sometimes you need to cut your losses and find a new investment. That time, money and effort is gone forever and you can't bring it back. It would stupid to continue investing in someone who isn't worth it regardless of what you've already lost.

 

Thank you for that article, it was what i needed to read.

[whichwayisup]

As long as the OW is still in the picture and he's not sorry, not making efforts to reconnect with you, not going to counseling, it's pointless to even bother putting in effort to save your marriage. Right now he doesn't deserve a second chance to prove to you that he's worthy of your love and trust again. He's not been honest and he's still omitting truths and lying to you.

 

Until he is genuinely remorseful and the A is over and he's in NC mode 100 percent there's no point in fixing anything. Tell him to move out and let him know that you're going to talk to a lawyer. Do the 180!