Afraid to reveal my background to my BF, what do I do?

[bubblefairy]

Hi there,

 

I am new to this forum and I would like to thank anyone who responds to my post in advance.

 

I am a 25 year old female professional school student in Toronto. I come from a low income family, both of my parents working in general labour and I have an older sibling who is already working. We have been living in a rented apartment for 10+ years. We never own a house and my parents would not be able to afford one with the income that they currently have even with the help from my older sibling. We didn't even own a car until two years ago when my elder sibling started to have a more stable job.

 

My parents have some savings and a few apartments in our home country which they could collect rents from. Without the financial support from our home country, we would not even be able to afford to send me through professional school. From a young age, I know if I don’t excel in school I will be struggling at the bottom and never be able to live a comfortable life style. I got good grades, worked my way to professional school, I will be graduating in a year and our average annual income for the profession is 100K+. My family’s goal is to sum up the money we make for the first few years and finally be able to own a house of our own. At that time I will be 28-29 years old. My mother specifically told me not to get “tied down” or engaged before I work for a few years and become a financially independent woman.

 

I have met my boyfriend in the same professional school and he is a few years above me, he has already started working. We have been in a relationship for 1.5 years. He has great patience and ambition. He helped me grow as a person and helped me achieve more academically. His family is doing much better; they own 2 houses, one for his parents and one for himself. They also have real estate investments back in his home country. He makes more than the average income for our profession and he is really good at doing his job, his clients love him.

 

Due to the nature of our profession, we would be able to generate more income if we work in suburban areas. He’s plan for the future was for us to move to a smaller town, both work together and put the income we make into developing our career/business. I would be working under him after I graduate and he will be paying me salary. He wanted us to have children before the age of 30 which I agree is an optimum time physiologically speaking.

 

He never mention when we would get married, but he only talked about how many children he wants to have. I never had the courage to tell him about my family background. Since we both attend the same professional school, he assumes that I am at a similar socioeconomic status as him but he had some idea that my family isn’t doing as well as his. I have met his parents, they both like me. I didn't want to bring him home to meet my parents because I am embarrassed about my living condition, I don't even have a room of my own and I had to share a room with my 30+ year old sibling who is still single.

 

During my study, I am living near my school with my classmates, so when my boyfriend visited me he didn’t know how I was living at home. He only knew that my family lives in an apartment building.

I am really afraid that when he eventually realize that I am not even from the same socioeconomic level as him and my parents work at minimum wage jobs he would be very upset and leave me. Although, he never once asked me what the occupation of my parents are and I never asked him about his parents either. I don’t think I can even bring him home to meet my family, the most I can do to arrange a meeting in the future would be eating out in a restaurant so he doesn’t get to see my living condition.

 

I don’t know how to handle this situation with my relationship clashing with my family. I don’t want to be accused of being a liar and faking an image in this relationship. I don’t own any fancy LV bags or Tiffany jewelries, dress in a coach trench coat with a Burberry scarf and pretend that I am from a wealthy family. I don’t know how I should handle my future income so I can support my parents, my sibling and still be able to have a family of my own. I just wanted to rant and see what people would do in my situation.

[ZayKayWill]

You guys have been together for 1.5 years and he's never bothered to ask you about your parents? That's...kind of weird. Either way...you should definitely tell him. If he truly loves you the amount of money you make shouldn't be an issue. If he does leave you....I say you're better off without him. Love shouldn't be based on how much money your parents make. That's just retarded. I know you're nervous, but you need to tell him. Can't keep it a secret forever...as long as you're still contributing to the funds bucket I don't see why it would matter...even if you aren't it still shouldn't matter. Lol. Yes. Tell him. I wish you the best of luck.

[bubblefairy]

Thank you so much for your reply ZayKayWill, you gave me the support I needed. I think I will tell him about my background if he asks about my parents' occupation. If he doesn't ask the question I should bring it up to him anyway before I arrange a meeting between him and my parents so there's no surprises for both parties.

[ZayKayWill]

Honestly if I were you I wouldn't talk about it at all unless he asks. If you tell him out of nowhere it will give him the vibe that you're insecure about it. I mean if you really want to you can...it's your relationship. I just wouldn't stress about it too much. It shouldn't matter. Glad I could be of help. If you have anymore questions you're free to message me or just keep posting here. You'll get through this. Best of luck.

[Sweetfish]

Hi there,

 

I am new to this forum and I would like to thank anyone who responds to my post in advance.

 

I am a 25 year old female professional school student in Toronto. I come from a low income family, both of my parents working in general labour and I have an older sibling who is already working. We have been living in a rented apartment for 10+ years. We never own a house and my parents would not be able to afford one with the income that they currently have even with the help from my older sibling. We didn't even own a car until two years ago when my elder sibling started to have a more stable job.

 

My parents have some savings and a few apartments in our home country which they could collect rents from. Without the financial support from our home country, we would not even be able to afford to send me through professional school. From a young age, I know if I don’t excel in school I will be struggling at the bottom and never be able to live a comfortable life style. I got good grades, worked my way to professional school, I will be graduating in a year and our average annual income for the profession is 100K+. My family’s goal is to sum up the money we make for the first few years and finally be able to own a house of our own. At that time I will be 28-29 years old. My mother specifically told me not to get “tied down” or engaged before I work for a few years and become a financially independent woman.

 

I have met my boyfriend in the same professional school and he is a few years above me, he has already started working. We have been in a relationship for 1.5 years. He has great patience and ambition. He helped me grow as a person and helped me achieve more academically. His family is doing much better; they own 2 houses, one for his parents and one for himself. They also have real estate investments back in his home country. He makes more than the average income for our profession and he is really good at doing his job, his clients love him.

 

Due to the nature of our profession, we would be able to generate more income if we work in suburban areas. He’s plan for the future was for us to move to a smaller town, both work together and put the income we make into developing our career/business. I would be working under him after I graduate and he will be paying me salary. He wanted us to have children before the age of 30 which I agree is an optimum time physiologically speaking.

 

He never mention when we would get married, but he only talked about how many children he wants to have. I never had the courage to tell him about my family background. Since we both attend the same professional school, he assumes that I am at a similar socioeconomic status as him but he had some idea that my family isn’t doing as well as his. I have met his parents, they both like me. I didn't want to bring him home to meet my parents because I am embarrassed about my living condition, I don't even have a room of my own and I had to share a room with my 30+ year old sibling who is still single.

 

During my study, I am living near my school with my classmates, so when my boyfriend visited me he didn’t know how I was living at home. He only knew that my family lives in an apartment building.

I am really afraid that when he eventually realize that I am not even from the same socioeconomic level as him and my parents work at minimum wage jobs he would be very upset and leave me. Although, he never once asked me what the occupation of my parents are and I never asked him about his parents either. I don’t think I can even bring him home to meet my family, the most I can do to arrange a meeting in the future would be eating out in a restaurant so he doesn’t get to see my living condition.

 

I don’t know how to handle this situation with my relationship clashing with my family. I don’t want to be accused of being a liar and faking an image in this relationship. I don’t own any fancy LV bags or Tiffany jewelries, dress in a coach trench coat with a Burberry scarf and pretend that I am from a wealthy family. I don’t know how I should handle my future income so I can support my parents, my sibling and still be able to have a family of my own. I just wanted to rant and see what people would do in my situation.

 

 

Sweet heart... tell the man the truth. I'm not him, nor do I know how he thinks.. But if I was dating you and you told me this.... I would probably be even more attracted to you and more proud and more comfortable knowing how you got to where your at now. you are literally his little Cinderella.

 

If he judges you based on that... he wasn't the right man for you.

[Sparta]

OP this had me tearing up let me tell you if your boyfriend is in love with you just like the other posters that. He should not even think about judging you. If he does and you find out it's not the one because I'm speaking from a guys point of view. It wouldn't even cross my mind, actually it would probably make me Love you more. Because most likely I would get the feeling somehow that you were embarrassed about your Family situation which would make me fall in a love with you even more way. The empathy and compassion I know that I would have for someone I was in love with that's why. I hope that someone make sense.

[Marc878]

I doubt he cares. It wouldn't matter to me. It's you he wants. Not much else matters.

[elaine567]

My family’s goal is to sum up the money we make for the first few years and finally be able to own a house of our own. At that time I will be 28-29 years old. My mother specifically told me not to get “tied down” or engaged before I work for a few years and become a financially independent woman.

 

BUT

 

He’s plan for the future was for us to move to a smaller town, both work together and put the income we make into developing our career/business. I would be working under him after I graduate and he will be paying me salary. He wanted us to have children before the age of 30 which I agree is an optimum time physiologically speaking.

 

He never mention when we would get married, but he only talked about how many children he wants to have

 

YOU need to tell him ASAP, as you cannot achieve both those goals.

YOU cannot provide a huge leg up for your family and at the same time contribute massively to the business your bf wants to set up.

YOU personally are not getting a good deal out of either, both want to use you.

If you bf wants to include you in the business and use YOUR salary to build up HIS business, then you need to be his partner not just receive a salary, and you need to clarify whether he sees marriage ahead and what that would really mean for your career.

I guess you did not do all that work, to be a SAHM looking after his kids.

 

You are going to be a professional woman with a good career, these people are telling you what THEY want to do with YOUR money, what THEY want to do with YOUR career - what are YOUR dreams?

[amaysngrace]

I think you should be on your own before you move in with this guy.

 

You're going from doing everything your parents ask of you to him dictating how your life will play out.

 

Before you jump into that situation with him I suggest you go live your life your way for a change. If he loves you he will understand.

[mikeylo]

He is making plans to have kids. He is making plans how to manage your money. He has planned that you will be working under him.

 

Get my drift ?

[Gaeta]

I don't understand why people leave everything behind to start a new life in Canada but then bring with them traditions from their home country that keeps them living in their own personal prison.

 

In Canada we don't care about someone's parents social-economic level. What we care about is the person we date and what they are doing with their own life. Also a person gets to chose what they do with their own money. Not their family, no their husband or BF. I am a professional and both my parents have no more than a grade 6 elementary school. They have no property and rented all of their life. My brain cannot even process that it would bother a man dating me.

 

Toronto is the worse place to be if becoming an owner is a dream of yours. Yes you will need to buy outside Toronto metropolis.

 

Be proud of who you are and what you have accomplished. You have gone from nothing to graduating in a professional field next year. You have accomplished something against the odds. That has a lot of value and tells a lot about your character. Don't hide it, showcase it.

Edited February 11, 2017 by Gaeta

[bubblefairy]

Woah, I never expected this much reply and warm comments from kindhearted strangers on the internet. Thank you all! Big hugs. It’s nice to see that there are so many people out there who still just love another person of who they are but not what they are and what they can achieve in life.

 

Honestly if I were you I wouldn't talk about it at all unless he asks. If you tell him out of nowhere it will give him the vibe that you're insecure about it.

I probably not going to randomly phone him up and tell him about all this. I will wait until I was asked and simply speak the truth. At that time I would inform him what my family’s expectation of me to contribute financially since they all worked to pay my tuition through professional school.

 

During our past conversation, my BF did mention how the society expects more from men in terms of achievement and he never had a female friend who was dumped because she is too poor. However, he had a few male friends were dumped because they don’t make enough or have a good career outlook.

BUT

 

 

 

YOU need to tell him ASAP, as you cannot achieve both those goals.

YOU cannot provide a huge leg up for your family and at the same time contribute massively to the business your bf wants to set up.

YOU personally are not getting a good deal out of either, both want to use you.

If you bf wants to include you in the business and use YOUR salary to build up HIS business, then you need to be his partner not just receive a salary, and you need to clarify whether he sees marriage ahead and what that would really mean for your career.

I guess you did not do all that work, to be a SAHM looking after his kids.

 

You are going to be a professional woman with a good career, these people are telling you what THEY want to do with YOUR money, what THEY want to do with YOUR career - what are YOUR dreams?

 

It’s interesting how elaine567 asked me what my dreams are. I never really think about that, I guess it’s to make my family live a more comfortable life so my parents can retire early and not work so hard in general labor anymore. I also wish to raise my future children to be successful in their lives and have many options without financial constrain.

 

My plan was to set up a ratio so that a portion of my salary goes to my parents for the housing fund, another portion can go into his business set up, a small portion for my emergency funding and the rest goes to communal living expense if we end up living together. I know I can’t fulfill both goals but I would like to contribute even a small amount. Hopefully if they all love me, they would not mind how big or small my contribution is. In terms of the mortgage of the housing, it would be me and my sibling’s responsibility.

 

On the other hand, my BF never made a specific plan on how I would contribute to his business, all he said was “we will contribute most of our earning in the business and let it grow, just leave enough money out for daily expenses”. I will definitely set up a partnership agreement and sign legal contracts with him if we do enter into business partnership. Thank you for the tip!

He does not want me to be a SAHM, he specifically said I have gone through years of education and hard work; I should not be just staying at home. He admires woman who is independent and hard working. Both he and parents share the same view here; they want me to work and contribute financially. In terms of children, he said either his parent or mine can help take care of them if there is a need.

I think I will have a talk with him about “whether he sees marriage ahead and what that would really mean for your career“ when he asks to meet my parents. If the talk doesn’t end well then there’s no point of putting both parties through an awkward meeting.

 

 

I think you should be on your own before you move in with this guy.

 

You're going from doing everything your parents ask of you to him dictating how your life will play out.

 

Before you jump into that situation with him I suggest you go live your life your way for a change. If he loves you he will understand.

 

He did mention that we should move in once I finish school and start working with him. He also suggest that my parents can buy a house in the suburban town that I will be working in so I don't have to be so far from my parents and the housing is more affordable. At this point I feel like the moving in part is a bit far from my sight, I will get through the current situation of how receptive he is to my family first.

 

He is making plans to have kids. He is making plans how to manage your money. He has planned that you will be working under him.

 

Get my drift ?

 

I think part of the reason why he is making all the plans is that when he asked me what my future plans where I told him "I don’t know, I am just a student trying to graduate and I didn't think this far". I was afraid of bringing up my family background and still not every clear of my family’s expectation at that time during the early stage of our relationship.

 

I don't understand why people leave everything behind to start a new life in Canada but then bring with them traditions from their home country that keeps them living in their own personal prison.

 

In Canada we don't care about someone's parents social-economic level. What we care about is the person we date and what they are doing with their own life. Also a person gets to chose what they do with their own money. Not their family, no their husband or BF. I am a professional and both my parents have no more than a grade 6 elementary school. They have no property and rented all of their life. My brain cannot even process that it would bother a man dating me.

 

Toronto is the worse place to be if becoming an owner is a dream of yours. Yes you will need to buy outside Toronto metropolis.

 

Be proud of who you are and what you have accomplished. You have gone from nothing to graduating in a professional field next year. You have accomplished something against the odds. That has a lot of value and tells a lot about your character. Don't hide it, showcase it.

 

Thank you Gaeta for sharing your story! I understand that it's mind-blowing for Canadians to see how one's family can affect their romantic relationship but when you grew up with this mentality and when you are constantly submerged in it, it's very hard to change. My BF's family has the same culture background as me.

 

If I get to live a comfortable life later on while my elderly parents don't even have a place of their own, it just makes me feel like my duty as a daughter has not been fulfilled. They sacrificed their own comfort so my sibling and I can have a better education and many career options in Canada. If they choose to stay in my home country they would be living very comfortably and retire much earlier. I am really grateful that they brought me out to this free land where if you have any dream, you can work hard to achieve it.

 

They worked hard to pay for my tuition, raise me up properly, they deserve to get return of appreciation from me. I probably won't be purchasing a home in Toronto with this current crazy housing market.

 

On the other hand, I can make sure my children will not have to worry about my retirement and they can live a Canadian life style with Canadian standards. They can love whoever they want, regardless of occupation, ethnicity or gender.

 

Sorry for the mega long post!

[JuneL]

 

They worked hard to pay for my tuition, raise me up properly, they deserve to get return of appreciation from me. I probably won't be purchasing a home in Toronto with this current crazy housing market.

 

 

I think it's a bit much that your boyfriend even planned for your parents to buy a house in the suburb close to your future location. It's a totally different story if he was planning to pay for their house!

 

I'm surprised your boyfriend has no clue about your family's approximate socioeconomic background, considering you guys have been in a serious relationship in a while. One can more or less figure that out through conversations/experience with his partner (e.g., how your family spent vacations, what places you've been to), unless the partner is actively avoiding certain topics.

 

I take it that your family (parents and older sibling) has been supporting you through your expensive professional degree. So I don't see anything odd for you to contribute financially to them once you have a job. You would have to incur a big student loan otherwise.

 

I also wanted to add that, don't you want to explore your professional field a bit yourself after graduation, before working for your boyfriend??

Edited February 11, 2017 by JuneL

[bubblefairy]

I am not able to decide where the future house would be at this moment. Maybe he was just saying it with out much thought to it. He doesn't sound like there is any intention of paying for my parents' house, lol that would be too much to ask anyway.

 

Perhaps he already knew but chose not to discuss it to avoid my insecurity. He did ask if my family likes to travel or not, what my parents do during leisure time, places we've been to, etc. I told him we are not big on travelling, we've been to some cities back in my home country and some places near Toronto like Niagara Falls, Montreal, Ottawa, etc. We've never been to Europe.

 

There isn't a concept of vacation for me, during my summer term I usually work, if not I stay home to reduce the expanse I incur. After I met him, he's the one who took me travelling around Canada. He offered me a short term summer position so I can use the money I earn to go on "vacation" with him. This way I get to learn more about my profession, spend more time with him and get to see Canada. We split the cost of our travelling so we each take turns booking hotels and pay for food. He took care of the cost of transportation.

 

Yes they have paid for my expensive education so I don't have to pay interest for my student loan. Cumulatively speaking, it cost more than what a down payment would be in Toronto already.

 

In terms of exploring my professional field, I would have to work under someone after I graduate either way. I probably will work at more than one job so I will be seeing how the profession works outside of his business. If I can get a boss who mentors me that's great, and my BF is happily willing to do that. This is why I think it's a good idea for me to work for him, I will be able to learn a lot about my profession.

[JuneL]

 

In terms of exploring my professional field, I would have to work under someone after I graduate either way. I probably will work at more than one job so I will be seeing how the profession works outside of his business. If I can get a boss who mentors me that's great, and my BF is happily willing to do that. This is why I think it's a good idea for me to work for him, I will be able to learn a lot about my profession.

 

Ic. So you'd be happy having your boyfriend as your professional mentor?

[angel.eyes]

Understand that if your relationship with your boyfriend goes south, you'll be scrambling for references and professional credibility. Personally, I think it's unwise (and unhealthy) to work for him straight out of school.

 

Go work for someone else. Build your own professional network. Cultivate other mentors. Should you then choose to get married and be professional partners, you'll bring in additional skills, a larger network, and other resources to the business partnership. You'll be on more equal footing.

 

Starting off as his employer and subordinate is a terrible idea both for your professional career and for your romantic relationship with him!

[JuneL]

Understand that if your relationship with your boyfriend goes south, you'll be scrambling for references and professional credibility. Personally, I think it's unwise (and unhealthy) to work for him straight out of school.

 

Go work for someone else. Build your own professional network. Cultivate other mentors. Should you then choose to get married and be professional partners, you'll bring in additional skills, a larger network, and other resources to the business partnership. You'll be on more equal footing.

 

Starting off as his employer and subordinate is a terrible idea both for your professional career and for your romantic relationship with him!

 

Couldn't agree more.

 

And How is your bf going to set a fair salary and a fair benefits package to you?

Edited February 11, 2017 by JuneL

[bubblefairy]

Thank you JuneL and angel.eye, for your wise words. I will definitely consider that, it's very common for our profession to hold 2-3 positions at a time in the beginning to be working full time so I will have the opportunity to seek other mentors as well. I really appreciate all the input from you guys, it broadens my horizon in terms of viewing my future career development and relationship.

[mikeylo]

You are basically giving all control of yourself over to him and even though it might sound great at the moment but its not a fairy tale.

If you are educated and smart, go in with eyes open.

[spiderowl]

Hi,

 

I can see your worries and really feel that if this guy loves you, he will not care about your background. You should be proud of what you and your family have achieved. You have done so well and must have been under a lot of pressure, knowing what it means for your family. You have a lot to be proud of.

 

Your boyfriend has done well too. He cannot claim any credit for having been born into a more affluent situation. It does not make him any more special or valuable than you. I think you have a lot to be proud of and great strength. You would make any guy a wonderful partner. This is the way you should be thinking about what you have to offer.

 

I would say be honest with your boyfriend but speak with pride about your family. If he finds it is not to his liking then at least you know what kind of person he is. Being born into wealth does not automatically make you a kind, honourable person. I feel sure it will not make any difference to him though because if it did, he would have asked you lots of questions about your background before now.

[bubblefairy]

Thank you for your advice mikeylo, I will seek independence in my career development. I know the old saying, don't put all your eggs in one basket, I won't let myself be solely dependent on one single person.

[bubblefairy]

Thank you for your kind words and support spiderowl, I felt much more confident after everyone have analyzed my situation. I will be truthful and honest with him, if we are not suitable in this sense then we can take our own separate paths in peace, we don't owe each other anything.

[Lady2163]

I think you should tell him the truth as soon as possible. The reason is, the longer you wait, the longer you just don't know what direction your own life is going.

 

He needs to know that you are carrying a familial burden and obligation.

 

BUT....you can't plan the rest of your life taking care of your parents expenses and sibling expenses. I know, your culture may strongly encourage that, but both you and your parents should plan on your parents working until they are 65 - assuming they are healthy.

 

It reads to me that your parents and sibling expect you to work to support that part of the family. Your future husband will be responsible for supporting the family you and he make together.

 

I'm not Canadian, but that isn't how things are usually done in the western world.

 

Tell him, so you know what kind of man he really is.