I Have Reached My Limit [UPDATE: The Wedding is Off]

[Hunniebae]

Long time lurker and first time poster in this group. I'm posting today because I need advice regarding and EA.

 

A little background. I am involved with a mm for most of my adult life, I am now 30 years old. He is my first love. We had 2 ddays and on the last dday, which happened a year and a half ago, our relationship went from a PA to an EA. I got engaged in 2016 and was to wed this year but I postponed the wedding to 2018.

 

MM is still with his wife and his thoughts are to stay with his family. I have never entertained the idea of him leaving his family, although there were times when he mentioned "us" being together, I never thought it would be possible. When I began dating after the second dday, mm had issues with it but I made the decision for me to also have someone in my life on a full time basis.

 

Here are my issues. I want out of the EA with mm. MM and I talk daily via email. Every morning I am happy to see his " love you hunnie" in my email box and "sleep well baby" every night. I also love the man that I'm to marry. He's the first man that I have had an open relationship with. He's the first man to introduce me to his family and friends. MM could only give me bits and pieces and at the time I felt content but now I feel remorse and I feel bad about myself.

[BuddyX]

Your marriage is doomed to fail unless you go 100 percent no contact with the MM.

 

Your fiance is a victim here.

Edited February 11, 2017 by BuddyX
Grammar

[whichwayisup]

What do you mean, open relationship? Meaning he knows you've had an affair and now an EA with the MM or do you mean first relationship that wasn't hidden and full of betrayal?

 

I'm surprised after 2 ddays that your boyfriend (aka future husband) wasn't told by MM's wife about your affair with her husband. Don't you think he deserves to know the truth? Not sure how you plan on marrying him while in love with someone (MM) else. That's not fair to him.

 

End it both men and be alone and on your own for a while. Get counseling and find "you", I'm betting you're not happy and probably sick of lying and deceiving your partner too. He deserves to be with a woman who loves only him and won't cheat.

[Poppy47]

Do you understand how little time it takes to send you 2 texts? It doesn't mean anything really.

 

Do you understand that a MM will do anything to keep an A of any kind going? OW are difficult to find and keep. Any MM who has an OW will usually go to great lengths, rather than find somebody new.

 

How can you carry on your engagement in good faith? Give the man a break and let him go. He has bought a mess with you.

Poppy.

[winterkeep]

Hi HB, by open relationship I take it you mean that your relationship with your MM has been your primary relationship for your adult life?

[GollumsNightmare]

I would guess the "Good morning" and "sleep well" texts are a form of control - making sure you are thinking of him first thing in the morning and last thing at night. It seems to work - with VERY LITTLE EFFORT on his part. You deserve better than this. Don't you?

[aileD]

MM could only give me bits and pieces and at the time I felt content but now I feel remorse and I feel bad about myself.

 

Tell him that then change your email address and block him everywhere and stop taking to him

[BaileyB]

Your marriage is doomed to fail unless you go 100 percent no contact with the MM.

 

Your fiance is a victim here.

 

This. You just tell MM, I'm moving in with my life and I can't talk with you any more. It really is that simple.

[freengreen]

He will lurk in your mind for a while. But dont allow him or you to lurk in each others lives( texts, emails, calls, 'accidental' bumping)

 

NO CONTACT. An honest effort is needed. You will feel weak at times, feels impossible but keep going.I am in NC and I know what I am talking.

 

Goodluck.

Edited February 11, 2017 by freengreen

[Hunniebae]

Your marriage is doomed to fail unless you go 100 percent no contact with the MM.

 

Your fiance is a victim here.

 

Your statement is correct

[Hunniebae]

What do you mean, open relationship? Meaning he knows you've had an affair and now an EA with the MM or do you mean first relationship that wasn't hidden and full of betrayal?

 

I'm surprised after 2 ddays that your boyfriend (aka future husband) wasn't told by MM's wife about your affair with her husband. Don't you think he deserves to know the truth? Not sure how you plan on marrying him while in love with someone (MM) else. That's not fair to him.

 

End it both men and be alone and on your own for a while. Get counseling and find "you", I'm betting you're not happy and probably sick of lying and deceiving your partner too. He deserves to be with a woman who loves only him and won't cheat.

 

What I mean by open relationship...he's the first man that I can go out in public with and be introduced to his family. MM was my first relationship ever.

 

MM's wife does not know about my future husband. I know if she did she would have told him. Yes, my future husband deserves to know the truth and that is the reason why I can't continue with mm.

[Hunniebae]

Do you understand how little time it takes to send you 2 texts? It doesn't mean anything really.

 

Do you understand that a MM will do anything to keep an A of any kind going? OW are difficult to find and keep. Any MM who has an OW will usually go to great lengths, rather than find somebody new.

 

How can you carry on your engagement in good faith? Give the man a break and let him go. He has bought a mess with you.

Poppy.

 

He does not send two text messages per day. We communicate all day. The two emails that I mention are the emails that I look forward to when I wake up and before I go to sleep.

 

I have wanted to end the relationship with MM before the first dday but I could not and did not. I continued and I take full responsibility for my part.

[Hunniebae]

Hi HB, by open relationship I take it you mean that your relationship with your MM has been your primary relationship for your adult life?

 

Yes. MM was my first BF, my first everything.

[Hunniebae]

I would guess the "Good morning" and "sleep well" texts are a form of control - making sure you are thinking of him first thing in the morning and last thing at night. It seems to work - with VERY LITTLE EFFORT on his part. You deserve better than this. Don't you?

 

Yes I do deserve better and that is the reason why I decided to enter into a real relationship with my future husband.

 

My future husband knows about the relationship with MM. He does not know that we have continued all this time. My future husband has been wonderful to me. I do not lack emotional or physical with him. I have an addiction to MM that has me hating myself.

[Hunniebae]

This. You just tell MM, I'm moving in with my life and I can't talk with you any more. It really is that simple.

 

If it was that simple, MM and I would have ended on the 1st dday. It is not that simple for me.

 

MM was my first everything. The history we share keeps me drawn to him. I know that I am weak for him. We always go NC and eventually end up talking again.

 

Blocking his emails, check I have done that. Changing my phone number, check I have done that. He has closed his gaming accounts, email accounts and we still end up talking again. I want it to stop and this time for good.

[Hunniebae]

He will lurk in your mind for a while. But dont allow him or you to lurk in each others lives( texts, emails, calls, 'accidental' bumping)

 

NO CONTACT. An honest effort is needed. You will feel weak at times, feels impossible but keep going.I am in NC and I know what I am talking.

 

Goodluck.

 

It is with those NC times that I get so weak. I just want to hear his voice. I know that I need to be strong. I know that my future husband deserves my honesty when I walk down the aisle. He deserves a truthful wife. I feel so guilty tho. I want a great marriage but yet I still contact mm. If his wife were to find out, it would ruin his marriage and yet I want to be honest in mine....

 

I am so torn. And breaking free is what is needed in order to have a successful marriage.

[Maddieandtae]

Hating yourself hasn't changed you from stopping with the married man. You need to stop the hating and look into why you entered into this situation.

 

Actions speak louder than words at times and you need to do an action to start the change within yourself to get out of this toxic relationship.

 

With your finance of course it's your decision to either be 100% honest with him or not but if you want a chance at a healthy relationship I think telling him the whole truth gives him the choice to take actions that are healthy for him.

 

Starting relationships in deceit often end in deceit. Well that was my experience and it was a h_ll of a ten years to get to a point to stop and be alone to learn healthy ways to live life!

[gia37]

Please don't get married nor have children with your fiancé until you have gotten over the MM. I entered into a relationship under similar circumstances and recently (after two years) we separated. If a big part of your heart is with someone else than your future husband no good will come of it.

[freengreen]

You want this relationship to end without you putting an effort. You want to have him in your life and end the realtion at the same time. How is this ever going to bail out?

 

Yes I undersatnd how hard it is... but when you got to do it, you got to do it. Some of us are actually in the NC right now and we all started from where you are.

 

You might say a 1000 different reasons why you cant do it but none fair enough to your fiance. We have no right to keep someone in dark without their knowledge. Please make determined decissions and stick to them regarding MM until then, I think you must hold the marriage.

[Lady2163]

Counseling, get some counseling. Make sure the counselor prepares you for the very worst of what can happen if you choose to be honest with your fiancée.

 

You sound like a decent person. Really, you do. BUT, you don't honestly believe that you deserve more than the snippets of what married man can offer. You don't truly value yourself.

 

I'm an overweight, almost 50 year old, woman. Recently I had a blind date from OLD. We exchanged phone numbers. He didn't have the money to buy his own damn beer. He is several years younger than I am - probably better looking than I am.

 

After our date, he started with the firm declarations of his limitations. He will never get married again. He is not interested in monogamy. He NEVER spends the night. I listened to these and a couple other lines he was drawing and tried not to laugh. I'm retired. I'm upper middle class. I have money to burn and blow. I'm educated. I am so much more than what he realizes. He rents a room from a family member. I live in a 4000 square foot house and have empty drawers, closets and rooms.

 

For about a month we chatted on the phone or through text. I don't chase. I would answer when he called or texted. I was intentionally slow. After a month he still hadn't planned a second date to make up for not being able to,pay for the first one. The next time he got in touch with me, I told him he was too damn late. I was seeing three men, had taken a couple of weekends away, was too busy and that it was his loss.

 

Ten years ago I would have chased after him. Ten years ago I would have cheerfully planned more dates and foot the bill. Ten years ago I would have accepted the "no spending the night" policy.

 

But, you know what? I don't think I deserve better, I KNOW I deserve better. Finally, my actions match my thoughts. It took a long time.

 

You are making someone a priority who onky considers you an option. You are throwing away your future happiness with your fiancée for someone who can only text or message you.

 

Someone else said he sends you those good morning and good night texts just so he stays in your thoughts. I think there's a ton of truth to that.

 

Take a long walk or a long drive by yourself. Honestly think about how little this man is giving you.

 

You deserve better. Say it and dear God, believe it.

[Poppy47]

He does not send two text messages per day. We communicate all day. The two emails that I mention are the emails that I look forward to when I wake up and before I go to sleep.

 

I have wanted to end the relationship with MM before the first dday but I could not and did not. I continued and I take full responsibility for my part.

 

I do understand all that Hunni. xMM used this poor quick method of "communication" all day and night for 8 years.

 

One day you will remember all those texts and emails and realise something. It is the married man's method of keep your mind focused on him 24/7. Of course you look forward to hearing from him. He has made you addicted to them.

 

It is not good communication at all. It doesn't mean he loves you. It simply merely means that he is keeping you in his control at the other end of his messages.

 

Please get yourself out this toxic relationship asap. You have been in it for such a long time, it will take all your courage and willpower to escape. I understand all that too.

 

You will need to learn another way of living. You are only 30 years old and probably already damaged by this dysfunctional way of living. DO NOT waste any more of the best years of your life.

 

Best wishes and please seek some professional help, or support from family or friends.

 

Poppy.

[sandylee1]

Don't get married while you're still dabbling in the affair. It's fradulent.

 

This blatant disregard for the sanctity of marriage is bad.

 

People talk about the high divorce rates, but when you start a marriage as a cheater, it's hardly a surprise.

 

Your marriage is doomed to fail.

[Friskyone4u]

What I mean by open relationship...he's the first man that I can go out in public with and be introduced to his family. MM was my first relationship ever.

 

MM's wife does not know about my future husband. I know if she did she would have told him. Yes, my future husband deserves to know the truth and that is the reason why I can't continue with mm.

 

Hunnie

 

You are playing a dangerous game here if you plan on marrying your fiancée. Why would you want to get married if you are going to live a lie and know at anytime a phone call or e mail can blow up your world.

 

And I have to question you when you say you love your boyfriend if you even entertain the thought of waking up every morning to a text from your former lover. You need to discover what it means to live an honest life. You have been in this secret relationship so long I think it has in a way distorted your thinking to think this is normal.

 

Your boyfriend deserves better than to marry someone who will be in at minimum an EA as you walk down the aisle.

[Grammie]

what is it that you are looking for?

 

You say you know it is wrong, you know it is unfair to your boyfriend, you know it needs to stop. Your boyfriend doesn't know about it because you are lying to him. He may have know about it prior, but you keep lying to him by continuing this affair.

 

So what are you doing to stop it? It really isn't rocket science. Tell MM it is over and mean it. STOP contacting him, STOP responding to him, STOP cheating with him. If you need to, tell his wife. Tell your boyfriend. Maybe it will take losing everything to make you stop.

[Hunniebae]

Don't get married while you're still dabbling in the affair. It's fradulent.

 

This blatant disregard for the sanctity of marriage is bad.

 

People talk about the high divorce rates, but when you start a marriage as a cheater, it's hardly a surprise.

 

Your marriage is doomed to fail.

 

I understand what you are saying and that's the reason why I postponed our wedding last year. No, I cannot marry him while involved with mm. I know this is wrong and to make it right, I know that I need to end the EA with mm.