I Have Reached My Limit [UPDATE: The Wedding is Off]

[Hunniebae]

what is it that you are looking for?

 

You say you know it is wrong, you know it is unfair to your boyfriend, you know it needs to stop. Your boyfriend doesn't know about it because you are lying to him. He may have know about it prior, but you keep lying to him by continuing this affair.

 

So what are you doing to stop it? It really isn't rocket science. Tell MM it is over and mean it. STOP contacting him, STOP responding to him, STOP cheating with him. If you need to, tell his wife. Tell your boyfriend. Maybe it will take losing everything to make you stop.

 

I'm looking to end it all with mm. Sometimes it is rocket science. I know what I am doing is wrong, letting go is right the hard part comes when I put action to words. That's the rocket science part that's hard to do.

 

I know it will hurt. It hurt once before. I only wish I stayed in nc instead of following my heart and allowing him back in.

 

I do not look at him as a cruel man that has taken advantage of me. MM has helped me through very difficult times and there for me when I needed him. How do you stop communicating with someone who has been apart of my life for so long? Yes I know it is the right thing to do considering the depth of our communication. I know he's married. I know that he chooses to stay in his marriage for his own reasons. And I know that our communication needs to stop.

 

I have read multiple post over the last couple of days regarding nc. Today I read every message between mm and I and deleted them all. I have cried more today than ever. I know by deleting those messages was the right thing to do. Now comes the hard part of deleting the email address.

[Hunniebae]

Despite the fact that I am involved an in EA, I bring alot to the table as a young woman. I am not perfect nor will I ever be and walking down the aisle with my head held high is what I intend to do. Going nc will be hard but I know it is the only way that I can marry my boyfriend.

[Poppy47]

The sum total of all your virtues cannot be outweighed by the fact that you are conducting yourself in a fraudulent manner.

 

If you don't stop this behaviour , your marriage will have no base of trust and is doomed for failure. It doesn't work with a foot in both camps.

 

Poppy.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Counseling, get some counseling. Make sure the counselor prepares you for the very worst of what can happen if you choose to be honest with your fiancée.

 

You sound like a decent person. Really, you do. BUT, you don't honestly believe that you deserve more than the snippets of what married man can offer. You don't truly value yourself.

 

I'm an overweight, almost 50 year old, woman. Recently I had a blind date from OLD. We exchanged phone numbers. He didn't have the money to buy his own damn beer. He is several years younger than I am - probably better looking than I am.

 

After our date, he started with the firm declarations of his limitations. He will never get married again. He is not interested in monogamy. He NEVER spends the night. I listened to these and a couple other lines he was drawing and tried not to laugh. I'm retired. I'm upper middle class. I have money to burn and blow. I'm educated. I am so much more than what he realizes. He rents a room from a family member. I live in a 4000 square foot house and have empty drawers, closets and rooms.

 

For about a month we chatted on the phone or through text. I don't chase. I would answer when he called or texted. I was intentionally slow. After a month he still hadn't planned a second date to make up for not being able to,pay for the first one. The next time he got in touch with me, I told him he was too damn late. I was seeing three men, had taken a couple of weekends away, was too busy and that it was his loss.

 

Ten years ago I would have chased after him. Ten years ago I would have cheerfully planned more dates and foot the bill. Ten years ago I would have accepted the "no spending the night" policy.

 

But, you know what? I don't think I deserve better, I KNOW I deserve better. Finally, my actions match my thoughts. It took a long time.

 

You are making someone a priority who onky considers you an option. You are throwing away your future happiness with your fiancée for someone who can only text or message you.

 

Someone else said he sends you those good morning and good night texts just so he stays in your thoughts. I think there's a ton of truth to that.

 

Take a long walk or a long drive by yourself. Honestly think about how little this man is giving you.

 

You deserve better. Say it and dear God, believe it.

 

You completely rock! Strong powerful woman alert!

 

OP now is for sure not the right time for you to get married to anyone. Please take some time to resolve all this first.

[ShatteredLady]

Despite the fact that I am involved an in EA, I bring alot to the table as a young woman. I am not perfect nor will I ever be and walking down the aisle with my head held high is what I intend to do. Going nc will be hard but I know it is the only way that I can marry my boyfriend.

 

 

I do understand. You have lived such a twisted life for "All of your adult life". That MUST change the way your brain works. Adultery is all about justifications. We live in a society with a moral code that dictates YOU are doing a very, very bad thing. You've been telling yourself all kinds of things to continue.

 

Oh this is so hard!! I know that there's a very fine line between being so harsh that someone's just stops reading, becomes defensive & simply denies what they hear & telling the cold, hard truth & getting through to someone.

 

You were complicit in causing untold pain to another human being. You are now COMPLETELY responsible for shattering the perception of love, loyalty, relationships etc for a man you profess to love. It will shatter his selfesteem. It will destroy him in ways you can't imagine.

 

I'm going to be VERY harsh here because I think you need to hear it. When you say that you "bring a lot to the table as a young woman" you are CURRENTLY deluding yourself! Your heartless betrayal overshadows any of the good qualities you may have to offer. You are fundamentally changing a human being for the worse.

Once one has been deceived & betrayed in such a horrendous way they are PERMANENTLY damaged. He will never trust his own judgement again. At the moment he believes that he has an innocent love story. He will be DESTROYED when he learns that your whole relationship has been a lie.

 

How do you think he would feel if he knew that the day he proposed to the love of his life she awoke to a love message from her affair partner? What do you think it does to a person to know that one of the best, memorable days of their life (proposing) ended with her embracing declarations of love from another?

 

How on earth are you going to walk down the aisle with your head held high? Will you be so proud because you managed to deceive & him for years & got away with fooling him?

 

Oh dear lady you have truly messed-up your life!! You don't really get-it. If you did throwing that MM out of your world would be a priority, a necessity. You would of, should of finished this the very day you realized you were in a serious relationship.

 

PLEASE really think about it. If you truly love this man what is your definition of love? Love isn't selfish, isn't cruel. How can you do this? How can you believe that you love this man enough to marry him AND find it so hard to split-up with your 'OTHER BOYFRIEND'.

 

Some believe that you can love 2 men without your love being less than. I KNOW that they have never known real love!

 

Please don't just dismiss what I say as the rantings of some bitter woman. I'm honestly trying to help you. I'm a hapless romantic & a realist!! I'm much older than you. Life is bloody long, it honestly is. We grow & learn. I always hated it when people said things like that to me!!

 

I do have compassion for your predicament, honestly I do. You are NOT ready to be married. Marriage is so very hard in the best circumstances. Entering into a life-long commitment built on this shoddy foundation is ludicrous. You don't even have honesty. It's all a terrible lie. You've been crying deleting emails. You're in pain & can't even share it with your intended! You are hiding a HUGE part of who you are.

 

Please just stop this nonsense!!

 

Maybe, just maybe, if you are completely & utterly honest with your boyfriend you could work through this as a couple. If you can't you shouldn't consider marrying him. As I said, life is VERY long.

 

You need to step back from this. Step back from BOTH men. You need to do a tremendous amount of introspective thinking. You are in control of yourself & your choices. YOU ARE!! Pease stop making romantic excuses to justify this. Imagine you were reading your story, what would you advise?

 

This is YOUR LIFE. You have been floating through 'beyond your control' for far too long. You're not a child anymore. Start to become the type of WOMAN that you want to be. YOU & your choices effect others. YOU are making the world a worse place for others. Think about that!! YOU are doing harm. Is it really that hard to stop being this woman when you think about it like that?

 

It's never too late to become the type of person you want to be.

 

We should try to make the world a better place for others, not worse. Imagine how different things would be if everyone lived by the 'golden rule'. Your selfishness isn't even making life better for YOU!

Edited February 12, 2017 by ShatteredLady

[Lady2163]

You completely rock! Strong powerful woman alert!

 

OP now is for sure not the right time for you to get married to anyone. Please take some time to resolve all this first.

 

Thanks very much. It took a long time getting here with many lapses of judgment and mistakes. Once it clicks, it REALLY clicks. I don't think OP read my post.

[SoleMate]

I have an addiction to MM that has me hating myself.

I suggest intensive individual therapy focussed on self-love and self-care.

 

Your r/s with your fiance is secondary in my view. The primary relationship in your life always has to be the one with yourself. Only when you get right with yourself can you build healthy r/s with others.

[FoundMyStrength]

Blocking his emails, check I have done that. Changing my phone number, check I have done that. He has closed his gaming accounts, email accounts and we still end up talking again. I want it to stop and this time for good.

 

The reason it hasn't stopped is because you haven't really wanted it to stop. Anyone can block someone or change a number, and then go back on it a day later or a week later or a month later.

 

NC does not come from the stuff you do -- blocking, changing numbers, deleting social media -- it comes from your internal motivation to do it. When, and if, you decide you are in too much pain or feel too much guilt to stay in the affair, you will go NC and never look back.

 

I have urges to contact xMM every single day. I don't do it for the reasons ShatteredLady mentioned. At some point, I saw -- more importantly, FELT -- the pain and harm I was inflicting on myself and his wife (even without a D-Day). And when I sit there and think about texting him, I tell myself that it doesn't actually matter how I feel. I simply cannot continue to engage in that type of harm. No woman should be texting another woman's husband under the guise of "friendship" after having an affair with him. It doesn't matter how much I want to, or how much he wants me to.

 

What's important to note, though, is that I had to wrench myself away from him to get to that point. I was addicted, I went through withdrawal, and was depressed for months. Listen to what everyone is saying here -- if you can get OUT and AWAY, your thoughts will clear and you will be able to find the motivation to STAY away.

[Hunniebae]

Today is the day that I completely end the EA and the engagement.

 

I have read every comment on this thread. Words spoken to me are words that I have thought about and never truly acted on. I knew by sharing my thoughts with this group everyone would voice an opinion and experience that could help me with my decisions.

 

The only person that I am concerned about right now is my boyfriend. He's on his way to my house and I will confess it all.

 

The EA has taken too much from me and it is time that I repair the damage that I have caused. I have blocked mm's number from my phone and deleted our form of communication. I have reached out to a friend to help me down from the ledge if and when I have those urges to reach out to him.

 

In the beginning, I never thought it would get to this point. Never thought about the other people who could possibly get hurt by my decisions. I can't place blame of being young, just stupidity on my part. I know that it is wrong. I know that the only way to begin living my life authentically is by being honest with myself.

 

Thank you all who responded....

[Birdies]

Today is the day that I completely end the EA and the engagement.

 

I have read every comment on this thread. Words spoken to me are words that I have thought about and never truly acted on. I knew by sharing my thoughts with this group everyone would voice an opinion and experience that could help me with my decisions.

 

The only person that I am concerned about right now is my boyfriend. He's on his way to my house and I will confess it all.

 

The EA has taken too much from me and it is time that I repair the damage that I have caused. I have blocked mm's number from my phone and deleted our form of communication. I have reached out to a friend to help me down from the ledge if and when I have those urges to reach out to him.

 

In the beginning, I never thought it would get to this point. Never thought about the other people who could possibly get hurt by my decisions. I can't place blame of being young, just stupidity on my part. I know that it is wrong. I know that the only way to begin living my life authentically is by being honest with myself.

 

Thank you all who responded....

 

I really admire your decision to come clean with your fiancé. My advice is to be 100% honest, don't hold anything back if he asks because you're afraid of hurting him. I made that mistake and all it does is cause more drawn out damage over the period it takes to come completely clean. Best of luck to you.

[ShatteredLady]

This is probably one of the hardest things you've ever done. Please believe that your bravery will truly be worth it. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Be strong, be happy & fall in love...fall in love with YOU!

 

We all mess-up at some point. Some learn, grow & change whilst others throw the blame around to others, circumstances, 'fate', whatever! What defines you is how you ultimately respond. I think you're a very strong, principled lady who trapped herself in a terrible situation.

 

Wake every morning & promise to do the best you can. That's all anyone can expect of you. I hope that your boyfriend is the man you need...I don't doubt that you love him & see the potential in your relationship. I hope for your sake that he finds the strength to work through this with you.

 

Please respect his needs & his boundaries. Lay yourself bare. Whatever the conclusion you will have been authentic.

 

Best wishes. I'm sorry if I was too harsh on you. I had your best interests at heart.

[oldlion]

The young man you are engaged to deserves more than a wife that has a heart that doesn't fully belong to him. It's sort of like what Lincoln said: "A house divided against itself cannot stand." ( substitute "house" with "heart") As long as the OM is talking to you, emailing you and holding a major position in your emotions, you really have no right to be engaged to someone else. You need to understand one very important thing. Three people in a marriage doesn't work, especially if one of them doesn't know what a major connection the other two have. Your fiancé sounds like a good man. He does not deserve to be in the world of hurt coming his way and the brick wall he will surely smash into with the OM still in a relationship with you. Cut one of them loose. I wish you well.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Thanks very much. It took a long time getting here with many lapses of judgment and mistakes. Once it clicks, it REALLY clicks. I don't think OP read my post.

 

It's taken me to 49 to get here too. I'm sure OP is reading.. she posted an update.

 

Hi OP good for you for doing the right thing for you and everyone involved!

[Hunniebae]

My heart has broken in a million pieces. It will take eternity to fix the damage that I have done.

 

My boyfriend came over and he could tell by the expression on my face there was something important we needed to discuss. I breathed in, exhaled, looked him in the eye and said, "I'm still involved with XX, not physically but we talk everyday. I know our relationship will never work but letting him go completely out of my life has been a hard decision to make up until a few weeks ago. I have decided to end my communication with XX and begin concentrating on me. I love you but carrying this secret has been hard and I know that I was wrong and I let you down. I cannot marry you knowing in my heart that I have not been completely honest with you. When I first mentioned XX to you, you understood me. You knew the situation and how he broke my heart. You stayed and helped me recover and in return I lied to you. I hid him from you out of fear of losing you and out of fear of being in pain from losing him. I am sorry. I am sorry for hurting you.

 

I said other things and of course he yelled. "how could you do this to us? I helped you heal from him 2 years ago and you are still communicating with him? He has a wife, children a family and if he cared anything for you, he would be here organizing a wedding and dealing with your temperamental (a..) I'm here I have always been here and to know that he hasn't left his wife shows that he's comfortable in being a dirty old (a..) liar. Does his wife know? She should know that you two are still involved. Have you told her? And that's when he grabbed me by my arms. He grabbed me and shook me asking me if she knew too. I didn't answer but shook my head no. For a minute he just looked at me with rage, pushed me, grabbed the engagement ring off the table, said (f) you and walked out the door. I haven't heard from him since.

 

I know I broke his trust. I know it will take a long time for him and I to talk again but I had to do what was needed. I brought this on myself. I hurt him. I lied to him. I did it all and for what? What good came from destroying another person? I knew without question RR loved me. I knew he loved me and I let him down.

 

I kept trusting XX to take care of it all. His famous quote, 'what they don't know will not hurt them'. I Kept believing him when he would say we will make it work. Kept buying into his future faking and knowing in my heart that he was lying and buying time. I should have left him alone and continued with my plans to marry the only man that I could love honestly. How could I have been so naive? My life is ruined and I ruined the life of the only man who I knew honestly loved me.

 

I know I was so young when MM entered into my life. I just knew he loved me more than her. I knew in my heart that I was the one he wanted to spend his life with and not due to him having responsibilities that comes along with marriage but because he loved me and wanted me. Everyday was filled with love and I was showered with his affection. He knew all the perfect words to say and I psyched myself to think this man really loved me because of all the attention and time that he gave me.

 

RR was so different than XX. He made me smile. A real happy smile. I could laugh with him and lean on him and just be me. My heart felt free to love him...no conditions...no secrecy...just love him. Why did I destroy it?

[somanymistakes]

Don't despair just yet - it will definitely take time to heal, but just because everything is a disaster right now doesn't mean that you can't repair the relationship later when he's had time to take it in and calm down. He's hurting a lot right now. He's angry. Of course he's angry. But in the heat of the reaction, neither of you knows what this will mean for the long term.

 

It is awful when something like this happens, when you feel this terrible pain of the damage you've caused to yourself and others. But life has a way of healing... never perfectly, never back exactly like it was, but it does carry on.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Wow, HB, what an incredibly brave thing to do. So painful. This is exactly why affairs are so sh*tty for everyone, whether there's a D-Day or not. Your xmm claimed what they don't know won't hurt them? What an awful thing to say. Of course it hurts them. It hurt you and your BF.

 

We learn from these mistakes (good lord I have a TON of learning to do) but believe HB there is a message or a reason in all this.

 

Dig down deep to find out why you went down this road.

 

I know with 100% certainty I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever have an A again. Never will I take advantage of a good, safe, comfortable relationship again. Lesson learned...the hard way. That's my message and could be yours too. But for now you have to grieve.

[whichwayisup]

I know I was so young when MM entered into my life. I just knew he loved me more than her. I knew in my heart that I was the one he wanted to spend his life with and not due to him having responsibilities that comes along with marriage but because he loved me and wanted me. Everyday was filled with love and I was showered with his affection. He knew all the perfect words to say and I psyched myself to think this man really loved me because of all the attention and time that he gave me.

 

And you were wrong. If he truly loved you and only you, he would have divorced his wife and made a life with you. He still chose his wife and kept you on the side. You let what you thought and felt for him go to your head like his wife was lower than you. You two had an affair, not a real out in the open honest relationship where you met his family and friends. It was behind closed doors and a secret. I don't mean that to sound hurtful and Im sorry that it may but reality is just that.

RR was so different than XX. He made me smile. A real happy smile. I could laugh with him and lean on him and just be me. My heart felt free to love him...no conditions...no secrecy...just love him. Why did I destroy it?

Because you love and are addicted to your MM. And all the ups and downs that the affair brought to you, the ego feed, how he made you feel. It was toxic and unhealthy not real long lasting, giving and taking equal love that you could have had with your recent fiancee. You destroyed it because your heart doesn't love him. You did the right thing by being honest, as much as it killed him and hurt him, coming clean was exactly what you needed to do.

 

I just hope you find the love for yourself and set yourself free from your MM. Go NC, get counseling and find 'you'. BE the woman you're supposed to be and then go looking for love. Maybe being on your own with NO man to rely on is what you need.

[oldlion]

I know you are hurting and I'm very sorry. A word of advice......be prepared and be strong. If/when your Mr. XX learns of the break between you and your fiancé, it is my guess that he will be all over you like white on rice. He will see it as an opportunity to sweet talk you back into his life and back into his bed. Don't let it happen. If you were hot and really, really thirsty, and had a cool, clear glass of ice water that had poison in it...would you drink it? Right now you are really hurting and Mr. XX is your cool clear glass of poisoned ice water. You know would happen if you drank poison water and by now you should clearly see that Mr. XX is poison water to your life. You can continue to have a messed up life by taking Mr. XX's poison or you can try and have a happy life by cutting Mr. XX completely out of your life. As for your fiancé, give him time to cool off and process the hurt that has befallen him. If he still loves you then there will come a time, in the near future, when he will be willing to talk with you. If he does then no lies, no secrets, only honesty. I truly wish you well.

[ShatteredLady]

If months ago (sometime after your bf proposed & you accepted) your MM had left his wife, filed for divorce & asked you to marry him what would you have said? What would you have done?

 

When you talk again with your bf that is going to be a big question....the REAL question, "Him or ME?", after the whole sex & words shared is out of the way.

 

Search deep inside & answer honestly. YOU need to know the answer. You now have a lot of work to do. How could you do this? Why did you do this? As a bs that's what we NEED to know. As an OW it's what YOU really need to know.

 

I think it's one of those things that no-one can understand unless they've lived it.

 

I know you're hurting deeply. PLEASE be proud that you have done the right thing. As I wrote before, "Today is the first day of the rest of your authentic life." Be proud, obviously not for your past but for your future.

[freengreen]

Hunnie,

 

That was brave and strong of you. You did the right thing. Sometimes we mess up so bad, it will take sincere effort and struggle to clean. It will be worth. You came out honest, stay here and hold on to it.

 

You will go through a lot of confusion and pain but you will come out stronger and confident out of it. Pat yourself for the step you took. Give your fiance some time and care, rest, no one can predict the future. On your part, you have done the right thing.

 

Takecare.

[HeCantBreakMe]

((((((((Hunnie))))))) you need a bunch of these.

 

Look, you messed up but Shattered is right unless you have lived it you cannot understand the addiction. How much you TRULY do not want to do these things but it is almost like someone else has taken over your mind and you have no control over your actions. Eventually as every addict who wants to clean up his or life must do you have to face those wrongdoings head on and you have to own them.- YOU DID THIS. This took strength, maybe a little desperation to get out of this mess, but a whole lot of courage.

 

Now, you have to fight the addiction and you have to move forward with your life and fix it from the inside out. I truly believe you will get there and once you do all of this will make some sense and you will come out okay.

 

Someone will love you for who you are but first you need to understand who that person is and love her first.

 

Good luck sweetie I truly wish you all of the peace and happiness you are searching for.

[Hunniebae]

If months ago (sometime after your bf proposed & you accepted) your MM had left his wife, filed for divorce & asked you to marry him what would you have said? What would you have done?

 

When you talk again with your bf that is going to be a big question....the REAL question, "Him or ME?", after the whole sex & words shared is out of the way.

 

Search deep inside & answer honestly. YOU need to know the answer. You now have a lot of work to do. How could you do this? Why did you do this? As a bs that's what we NEED to know. As an OW it's what YOU really need to know.

 

I think it's one of those things that no-one can understand unless they've lived it.

 

I know you're hurting deeply. PLEASE be proud that you have done the right thing. As I wrote before, "Today is the first day of the rest of your authentic life." Be proud, obviously not for your past but for your future.

 

My bf proposed in 2015. If MM had left his wife I may have started a relationship with him. On the first dday, we almost had the chance to have an open relationship. I kept holding on believing XX. I did not use my better judgement.

 

I have called the wedding off. I know eventually RR and I will talk but right now the relationship is over.

[Hunniebae]

I know you are hurting and I'm very sorry. A word of advice......be prepared and be strong. If/when your Mr. XX learns of the break between you and your fiancé, it is my guess that he will be all over you like white on rice. He will see it as an opportunity to sweet talk you back into his life and back into his bed. Don't let it happen. If you were hot and really, really thirsty, and had a cool, clear glass of ice water that had poison in it...would you drink it? Right now you are really hurting and Mr. XX is your cool clear glass of poisoned ice water. You know would happen if you drank poison water and by now you should clearly see that Mr. XX is poison water to your life. You can continue to have a messed up life by taking Mr. XX's poison or you can try and have a happy life by cutting Mr. XX completely out of your life. As for your fiancé, give him time to cool off and process the hurt that has befallen him. If he still loves you then there will come a time, in the near future, when he will be willing to talk with you. If he does then no lies, no secrets, only honesty. I truly wish you well.

 

Thank you. I have cut off all means of contact with XX and plan to keep it this way. It hurts. I miss him but I knew eventually it would lead to this.

 

When I came to LS, I already had my mind made up to end the relationship with XX, I just needed a kick to get me started.

[Hunniebae]

((((((((Hunnie))))))) you need a bunch of these.

 

Look, you messed up but Shattered is right unless you have lived it you cannot understand the addiction. How much you TRULY do not want to do these things but it is almost like someone else has taken over your mind and you have no control over your actions. Eventually as every addict who wants to clean up his or life must do you have to face those wrongdoings head on and you have to own them.- YOU DID THIS. This took strength, maybe a little desperation to get out of this mess, but a whole lot of courage.

 

Now, you have to fight the addiction and you have to move forward with your life and fix it from the inside out. I truly believe you will get there and once you do all of this will make some sense and you will come out okay.

 

Someone will love you for who you are but first you need to understand who that person is and love her first.

 

Good luck sweetie I truly wish you all of the peace and happiness you are searching for.

 

Thank you. It is hard. I have cried, screamed and completely closed myself off to the world over the last couple of days. I am a broken mess. I know that I will miss them both but I also know that I needed to be honest with RR . He deserved the truth. I feel bad for hurting him, he didn't deserve this pain that brought into his life.

[freengreen]

How are you coping Hunnie?