When they say I love you

[BabyDont]

 

One more thing women do tell lies about their marriage in the company of others....

 

Why any woman would say the things she does about their husband to other women I'll never know!!

Why would a woman lie about that either? That's she's not attracted to him (she's a hard 5 he's a 9) say they never have sex, why would she tell people that. So strange. As I've said to I hear things from many angles I don't take any word without some doubt. I'm not stupid, I'm not posting how I know or what all I do but the stuff I've said is not in question, it's for sure.

[elaine567]

My question I think originally was is something going to give.

Do I have any hope in keeping the status quo for now if you saying I love you almost every day talking to me about his therapist and discussing divorce with his wife and other people.

 

He's being careless now. Letting people know about us, saying he wants to scream it out to the world telling me he wants people to know how I make him feel when I used to be a huge secret and he was very careful about keeping it that way .

 

I am just wondering if things are about to blow up .

 

Wanted them to stay the same .

 

Well tell him that ASAP.

NO point in him blowing up his marriage and making his kids into "kids from a broken home" if you have no intention of getting together with him.

It is not fair to anyone involved if you lead him on to think it is going to be all happy ever after with you...

[BabyDont]

I'm not leading him on. He knows exactly how I feel. I do love him but I really would like things to just stay the same but it's not up to me if he's done being married.

[Grammie]

how do you know what he is saying in his counseling sessions? Are you there?

[BabyDont]

how do you know what he is saying in his counseling sessions? Are you there?

 

Obviously he told me? We were talking about our issues and he said that he wishes he could tell people that the only person he's told other than our one mutual friend, is his counsellor and we had a discussion about that.

[BTDT2012]

We run in the same circles. I consider her close aquentence .. she's an oversharer though. The few times that I have been with her and another person or drinking I have been told things I would've never wanted to hear about her relationship. I'm also very close to some of her friends and his best friend is my first cousins who I spend a lot of time with.

 

I often feel like I fly on the wall trying to keep my blindfold down and my ears covered.

This can only end badly for you. When this comes out you will be the outcast.

[minimariah]

Why would a woman lie about that either? That's she's not attracted to him (she's a hard 5 he's a 9) say they never have sex, why would she tell people that.

 

because she's married to a douchebag - from her point of view - and that is a VERY strange position to be in. most of the time, you want others to see that douchebag for what he REALLY is.

 

bold = right. she's less attractive than her man and, i guess, that means she just HAS to be attracted to him. because, i guess... logic. right.

 

So strange.

 

more or less stranger than your cousin hooking you up with an engaged man who has a kid though?

 

I am just wondering if things are about to blow up...

 

who knows. wait and do tell if it does. no one here can predict the future.

 

Wanted them to stay the same .

 

this is the interesting part - it really doesn't seem like you want things to stay the same. that seems like something you keep repeating to us AND yourself in order to protect yourself from the disappointment - you know... keeping the expectations low. but you obviously want to be with him in an exclusive relationship (which is why you keep competing with the wife's position in his life - am i more important to him than her o not...? hmmmmmm.); you love him, you want to be with him and you're hoping he'll leave the wife for you. that's what you're REALLY writing between the lines.

 

i mean - who knows what will happen. the kids will certainly stay with their mother, he will probably move on with you and you'll have to help him deal with his sex addiction + the kids + you'll have to learn to accept the wife as a part of your life... in other words, a lot of your daily plans and interaction with the kids will depend on her. that's... yeah, that's about it.

[bluemoon1]

My question I think originally was is something going to give.

Do I have any hope in keeping the status quo for now if you saying I love you almost every day talking to me about his therapist and discussing divorce with his wife and other people.

 

He's being careless now. Letting people know about us, saying he wants to scream it out to the world telling me he wants people to know how I make him feel when I used to be a huge secret and he was very careful about keeping it that way .

 

I am just wondering if things are about to blow up .

 

Wanted them to stay the same .

 

I'm new here, and haven't posted yet about what's happened to me - but when I read this I had to reply. There are so many similarities, the man I was friends for 10 years with, lovers for 3 years, initiated all the talk about love. He loved me, he adored me, he couldn't stop thinking about me all the time. He was discussing ending his marriage with a therapist, he had discussed divorce with his wife, he had told her about me months ago, and told her he didn't love her anymore... supposedly. Things did blow up, and he was all set to move in with me and my teenage son. He was at my house that morning, all upset and holding me close, telling me we had to be strong now to get through this. He said he needed to sort out his business, and that I may not hear from him for a few days. I expected him to arrive back at any second, I was listening in the night for his car. Instead he ghosted me. She blocked me from his phone and email (he doesn't know how), he got rid of his second phone, he didn't reply when I wrote letters. He mailed me my key without any note included. I'm left shocked, devastated, furious, and completely robbed of any way to express it. I hope this doesn't happen to you, but I'm writing this to say - do not assume anything! I thought we soulmates, I never ever suspected he could be this cruel, and if someone had told me a story like this I would have smiled and said 'not my man...'

[Overtaxed]

This can only end badly for you. When this comes out you will be the outcast.

 

Yup, without a doubt. He's telling you what you want to hear. He's telling others that as well because he knows it will get back to you and reinforce your feelings.

 

Actions speak louder than words. And his actions say "side-piece" far more than they say "my next ex-wife".

[Overtaxed]

Then perhaps you and he are more compatible, as neither of you are monogamous either.

 

He's been a serial cheat and in an affair for five years! You don't think she's sensed his behaviour and that's why she doesn't want sex with him?

 

When you say she had emotional affairs, do you mean she was emotionally invested in the but they were physical as well or purely emotional?

 

I'm not really sure what your overall question is. You feel you are his number 1 and he tells you everything... That can happen when you're sort of partners in crime.

 

If you're happy as you are and still want to be where you are in another 5 years that's your call.

 

Maybe in that time, his wife will find a man she's attracted to and be done, so you can be together.

 

Somehow missed this had been going on for 5 years. To the OP; sweetie, you're throwing your life away. 5 years ago, some of your friends got married. They started families. Their lives are moving on, your stuck in limbo because of this relationship. And even if he does leave his wife to be with you, how will you sleep at night knowing what he did to his last wife? I suppose if you're OK with an open relationship long term, then maybe. But otherwise? You are literally flushing years of your life down the toilet here while everyone else you know is building their lives with a good/faithful man (well, some of them anyway). IDK, if you're happy, maybe that's it's OK, but, I really think you're going to wake up at some point and think "Why did I waste so much time with him" and be very mad at yourself.

[BabyDont]

Where in the hell did I say that she has to be attracted to him? I just said I have no idea why she would tell people the things she does.

 

Absolutely not in competition with his wife, I see her as no competition at all I'm not jealous of her I barely think of her.

 

I'm not wasting my life in any way I've dated other people, I have absolutely no desire to get married or have children at this point in my life, I am quite happy exactly where I am.

[BabyDont]

He is not just telling me what I want to hear he has absolutely no reason to lie to me I am there for him he's one of my best friends I do love him but I do not want to be his wife .

 

Some of these people really try to pound into you you were this naïve stupid person in love in a completely one-sided relationship. Reading through some of these posts it's just the same thing over and over again. Every situation is different this guy absolutely is in love with me that doesn't mean he doesn't love his wife nobody said he didn't but I can guarantee he's not spending much time comparing us in his head because we are incomparable. Not me all positively either I'm well aware she's probably a great person that doesn't make them suited to one another.

[aileD]

If he's one of your best friends why are you helping to destroy his marriage?

 

I wouldn't want a friend like you

[summerdowling87]

And you know he's not lying because?

[minimariah]

...I'm well aware she's probably a great person that doesn't make them suited to one another.

 

right - buuut here is the thing... just because he's in love with you & vice versa... it does not mean that the two of you are suited for each other; in fact... you're far from a match made in heaven.

 

let's be real.

 

dude is an addict - the counselor confirmed. he's a serial cheater; had other OWs during the A with you. the A was full of ups and downs. has a moral freak for a best friend - your cousin - who tried to hook him up with you when he was just an engaged man with 1 kid. somewhere along the way, he managed to get to the kid #2. so now... like two months ago - AN ADDICT - is starting with his reckless behavior; again: dude is an addict. if you were reading your story as someone else's - it wouldn't look like love to you either, trust me.

 

other than that - no one can answer your Qs here. you came for a confirmation that you matter more to him than his wife + wondering what will happen next. and no matter how many times you write - i personally won't believe you when you write that you want things to remain the same... your words literally SCREAM otherwise. if he's reckless - than the W will find out. when she finds out, she'll go for you. sooo... did you think about that and what is your plan in case that happens?

[BaileyB]

It's true. It certainly seems that your purpose here is that you want confirmation that you matter more than his wife. And yes, despite the fact that you say you are not jealous of her and you do not want more... I don't believe it either. Perhaps you don't want the white picket fence and the 2.6 kids, but you certainly enjoy the fact that you think you are more compatible with this man and that he wants you more than his wife...

 

The thing is, this guy is not a good person. He has not treated his wife as a man should treat a wife - with love, and consideration, and respect. You can justify your behavior to yourself by telling yourself that she has also strayed, that she denies him, that they are not well suited, etc... It doesn't change the fact that he has treated her badly and he will do the same to you, as soon as you quit offering exactly what he wants and challenging the status quo.

 

Oh, but you don't want that. You want the status quo, which is hardly reasonable to consider that this will go on for years like this... And even if it does, someday you are going to look back and think - what was I doing, wasting my life for a man who at the end of the day, could offer me nothing but a few stolen moments.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You won't believe me as I am just a voice over the internet but the words "I love you" are meaningless without action to back them up. Ignoring your specifics, yes, they all say I love you and what they love is the way you make them feel - it's a high, a buzz - they don't actually love "you". They use OW to not deal with the unresolved issues in their lives and their marriages.

 

You as a person and individual are entirely meaningless - and easily discarded and replaceable. It's the sad, cold truth. As for the wife, she will always be there until she decided she has had enough. But he revers her and if she actually left, he would not pick one of his other women to be the next wife. That is just the way it goes.

 

We've all been there and 99% of the time, it all ends the same way.

[PinkElephants]

I am single and happy the way things are so I am not sure what I want yet .

No he's absolutely not just telling me what I want to hear

I am happily single and do not want that to change.

my life is good right now .

I just never wanted to be upgraded to the main woman in his life

I kind of want things to stay how they are

I want Things to stay how they are. I do not want things to change.

I do love him but I really would like things to just stay the same

Absolutely not in competition with his wife, I see her as no competition at all I'm not jealous of her I barely think of her.

I am quite happy exactly where I am.

He is not just telling me what I want to hear

Your unnecessary number of refusals and protests suggest that you care desperately. You want to believe that he doesn't lie to you, that you were able to pry truth from him when lesser women failed and are, therefore, special. You're not just in competition with his wife but with all the other women he's flinging his junk at. You need to believe you're the one he's honest with, the one he's intense with, the one he loves because you love him and, while the thought of him not being monogamous is tolerable, being just another mare in the stable isn't.

 

Every post you make is a poorly hidden fishing expedition to get posters to confirm that you're important to him. Deny it all you want but the more you do the more it confirms otherwise.

 

Serious question has any MM here got to the point where they are more loyal to their mistress than their wife?

Loyalty implies faithfulness. He's not faithful or loyal to either of you.

 

My question I think originally was is something going to give.

The question should be: when things do give are you prepared for the fallout?

[mightycpa]

Why would you ever want to be with a man who cheats on his wife? If he will do it to her, he will do it to you.

This made me laugh. If he's with a third woman, how could that possibly be considered cheating on the mistress?

 

OP, why don't you just tell him that it would make you feel better if he would stop being such an a$$h*le at home, be nicer to the wife, and bang her at least on weekends? Tell him you can sense he's got emotional turmoil at home, and that you don't want to sense that, and tell him he needs to fix it. In other words, help him repair his marriage, to the extent that your position allows you to do that.

 

Maybe you should cut out the emotional visits, and if you're not willing to cut it off, at least steer this thing back to a sexual relationship.

Edited February 13, 2017 by mightycpa

[sandylee1]

Why any woman would say the things she does about their husband to other women I'll never know!!

Why would a woman lie about that either? That's she's not attracted to him (she's a hard 5 he's a 9) say they never have sex, why would she tell people that. So strange. As I've said to I hear things from many angles I don't take any word without some doubt. I'm not stupid, I'm not posting how I know or what all I do but the stuff I've said is not in question, it's for sure.

 

Sometimes it's to go along with the flow of things. When one moans about her husband, others join in, even when there isn't an issue as such, but there clearly is an issue here in their marriage, as they both feel the need to step outside.

 

At least they have that in common.

 

And if the current status of your relationship suits you, let him know that you like it this way.

 

He's apparently been honest to you, so why not do the same.

[elaine567]

Why any woman would say the things she does about their husband to other women I'll never know!!

Why would a woman lie about that either? That's she's not attracted to him (she's a hard 5 he's a 9) say they never have sex, why would she tell people that. So strange. As I've said to I hear things from many angles I don't take any word without some doubt. I'm not stupid, I'm not posting how I know or what all I do but the stuff I've said is not in question, it's for sure.

 

In the world of most women a man's number is not just dependant on his looks it depends on the whole package, his personality, how he treats her, how he treats other people etc. so whilst this man may be an 9 to you, he has obviously slipped down the rankings for her.

He is a serial cheater, she knows that and will hate him for it. Also many men whilst in affairs treat their wives badly, they are argumentative, they are nasty, they take her for granted, they stop having sex with her, they make her feel very bad, so even if she is not aware of ALL his cheating ways she will be aware of how he has changed towards her. It is a miserable time for any woman who loves their husband, and she is obviously just venting to anyone who will listen.

 

YOUR ego is getting in the way here. YOU are so superior to the wife he WILL choose you, but he hasn't "chosen" you in 5 years I doubt he will do so now.

Sorry!

[freengreen]

I'm new here, and haven't posted yet about what's happened to me - but when I read this I had to reply. There are so many similarities, the man I was friends for 10 years with, lovers for 3 years, initiated all the talk about love. He loved me, he adored me, he couldn't stop thinking about me all the time. He was discussing ending his marriage with a therapist, he had discussed divorce with his wife, he had told her about me months ago, and told her he didn't love her anymore... supposedly. Things did blow up, and he was all set to move in with me and my teenage son. He was at my house that morning, all upset and holding me close, telling me we had to be strong now to get through this. He said he needed to sort out his business, and that I may not hear from him for a few days. I expected him to arrive back at any second, I was listening in the night for his car. Instead he ghosted me. She blocked me from his phone and email (he doesn't know how), he got rid of his second phone, he didn't reply when I wrote letters. He mailed me my key without any note included. I'm left shocked, devastated, furious, and completely robbed of any way to express it. I hope this doesn't happen to you, but I'm writing this to say - do not assume anything! I thought we soulmates, I never ever suspected he could be this cruel, and if someone had told me a story like this I would have smiled and said 'not my man...'

wow... thats heartless.

 

Just in the other thread I wrote how one could be genuine sometimes in an A but stories like this are far more often here.

 

What happened to you is terrible, not beacuse he chose to step out of A but the fact that he lead you into it and did not care to lead you out well.

[LimeBlue]

When they say they love you - just know it's a lie.

[Life lessons]

The thing about the counseller.. I am very curious why he would go to a counsellor to try to deal with this marriage but mostly talk about me he's told the guy he loves me he's told him all about me. We just think he would focus more on his issues to do with his marriage and I guess I'm that issue !

 

His counsellor did not tell him to leave me. I have a hard time believing that part

 

It sounds like he's telling you what he knows you want to hear!! You say you're happy with this arrangement but if you truly are, would you be questioning it? To me it sounds like you need reassurance/validation. Just my opinion though. How long has the affair been going on? They say that statistics show if the Mm/Mw is going to leave the A, they do so within the first 3 months. Although you say you're happy single and with the A, are you certain you don't want more from him?