Stockholm Syndrome

[SKMK]

I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now. We've lived together for about 2, but last May, I bought our place because he wasn't in a good financial position to do so.

 

We've been fighting a lot lately. For the last few months it's felt as though he is hiding things from me, not willing to talk, constantly on his phone... he's connected to the digital world, just so not to me. I wondered if he couldn't trust me and if I wasn't interesting enough to him and asked if he was REALLY happy during our last blow up 2 weekends ago. He told me he was but in my heart, I just struggled to believe him. And for context, this is a guy who was more wild prior to me; he was out all the time, being crazy, not giving a [crap], not being concerned with a job, the future, and wanting to be an adult. So last July, we really got into about that as well; I've always wondered if he's ok with the divergence from his previous life and whether his new life left him happy and fulfilled.

 

But this time, when I flat out asked him to assess his life, he told me he was happy. And that he wanted to be together. But to reiterate, it didn't feel genuine to me. We were good for about 2 weeks, but last night, I was a [suspicious] and I hate that I did this, but I checked his texts to his mom when we were fighting. He said, "I might need grandpa's tools for when I move into my next place." Followed up with "I should have ran when she asked me put up money but not put my name on the deed."

 

Mind you, his credit was [bad] and it would have significantly impacted our interest rate so the entire mortgage had to be in my name and I was taking the hit; he then wanted to be on the deed without consequence--my lawyer told me I was an idiot for even entertaining the idea. But mind you, I also didn't have 90k to put up as 20%, so I was hoping he could help me out a little; and I told him I would pay him back, with interest, so I didn't need to reach out to my parents. Eventually we settled on me putting down the full amount, being alone on the mortgage and deed, and him paying me half as rent. But part of his issue now seems to be that I'm getting the interest back through taxes? I HAD NO IDEA ABOUT THAT.

 

Not a soul told me that's how it worked; I thought that money was gone because I was raised to believe the world will try to rob you blind every single time they can. But just to hear him say that he should have ran??! He threw me "forcing" him to live with me in my face before but that's not what I meant to do. I told him when we were renting a place that IIIIII was not going to rent again, pay $1000/mo to live in a place with mold, let alone throw money into someone else's pocket and never see a penny back. IIII was ready to buy. He didn't need to come along but started asking if he could see places with me and interjected himself into the process.

 

I went to see plenty of places on my own time, that I could sustain solo. And the place we settled on was mostly a push from him. So what the [heck]? I seriously wish I hadn't read those texts, but when I POINT BLANK ASKED if he wants to be in this relationship and is happy, and answers yes but had just told his mom about how he should have ran because he's still clearly harboring those feelings... what do i think?! I don't know if I trust him. I don't know if I want to be in this relationship. To be fair, and as rational as possible in my current teary-eyed, distraught state, he did tell his mom that he loved me more than anything about 10 minutes later. But I question if he's convinced himself of that to stay together and how true it is, if at all.

 

What am I supposed to do? Do I tell him what I read and confront him? Do we break up? Help.

Edited February 13, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and cleanued up language

[Mr. Lucky]

Not sure what this has to do with Stockholm Syndrome, where a victim a la Patty Hearst begins to identify with her captors?

 

As I've posted here before, the truth is a pretty good strategy. I'd tell him what came down, how it made you feel and the issues you feel need to be addressed. Not sure what's specifically upsetting you but you do seem p*ssed off in general at him.

 

Not the time to play games or go passive/aggressive. I'd tackle this head-on before more resentment builds as time goes by...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NTV]

Can you work on separating finance from relationship? It's hard to feel deep love when you feel financial debt towards someone....

[aileD]

About the interest thing. You can claim it on your taxes ..yes.

 

But if he's paying you rent, he can also claim his "rent" to you on his taxes but if he does then YOU have to claim that as income and pay taxes on it.

 

If you feel unfair about the interest because he's paying $ too, then you can always give him back some of your refund. If you think it's fair

 

You do need to confront him. His text didn't say he wanted to leave or was moving out, seemed to sound like he felt you were going to kick him out and did the Mtg thing on purpose

[Nowty V]

[i don't know what the law is where you are, I'm in UK and it goes like this]

 

The longer it goes on, the more entitled he is to claim on your property. He could say in court the rent payments were toward the mortgage, he bought food and services etc.

 

If it goes sour later down the line it will be a bitter pill if he can make a valid claim on your hard earned $$'s and assets.

 

From now on make sure he pays his rent in cash. He can't prove anything then.

[Lady2163]

I'm assuming you are in the USA, yes you can deduct your interest and on a $450K loan that's a decent chunk of change. Is it a dollar for dollar defection? By that I mean, let's say you earn $100K a year. Your interest is $10K. Does that make your adjusted income $90K?

 

Here's the thing - you are sort of damned if you do and damned if you don't. For my state, you would WANT him to pay rent, pay with a check and even mark in the memo space: February 2017 rent. Yes, you have to claim the rent as income, BUT it protects you from common law marriage.

 

Let's say you broke up tomorrow. It may be completely in your name, but if he sued you for divorce under the common law statutes and you don't have proof that he didn't pay rent, the judge will assume he was paying his share of the living expenses. If your house is worth $450K, you would have to buy him out at $225K.

 

Common law marriage requirements differ from state to state. Make sure he isn't setting you up to lose everything.

 

Snooping is a double edged sword. People complain about their mates, no matter how great things are, when something goes wrong, people will complain to their relatives, their friends, their co-workers. It is how it is.

 

But, if you check and are truly not common law married, I'd confront him. You're going to have to take a bunch of anger for snooping, but once that conversation is done, you need to discuss the content of his messages.