I'm doing the right thing...right??

[saywaht]

This is a long story that I need to get out, 1) so I can move on and 2) I want to hear what others think

 

I’ll try sum it up as best as I can.

 

I am a single female and became involved with a married man. He is in a long-term marriage and has kids but they are older, not dependant. This was mostly an emotional affair. We did make out, but no sex of any kind. We both decided ‘to wait.’

 

We met at work, hit it off real well. I knew he was married, but initially just wanted to be friends. About 2 months in, he told me he developed feelings for me; he fell in love with me. (We spent 8 hours a day together, A LOT of time together, so I believed this no question). I had already developed a crush on him so I got sucked in pretty much right away.

 

Over the next couple of months, we continued on but became more emotionally connected. He would never outright say ‘I’m leaving my wife for you’ but did drop these hints. For example, he would say things like ‘I can’t wait until we spend the night together’ or ‘one day we can do stuff together without these outside distractions’ (referring to the wife). This actually made me believe him more than if he did just say ‘I’m leaving my wife for you.’ You hear those kinds of stories all the time, and they never end well. I thought my situation was different.

 

I did say initially that I wanted to be straight up. If he has zero intentions of leaving his wife, just wants to have ‘fun’ please be honest with me. I would be okay with that. I didn’t want to be led on and strung along with fake-future plans. We both agreed to never lead the other one on, another reason I thought my situation was different.

 

So fast forward to about 3 months ago (about 9 months from when this all started), he tells me he has to stop texting me because he thinks his wife is getting suspicious. (side note: he got another job, so we don’t work together anymore, texting was our only way of communicating at this point).

 

He told me that it’s going to start getting really difficult for us, but things will become better for us in the future.

 

2 months go by; I don’t hear a word from him. And THAT’S when my perception of all this changed. During those two months, I’ve pieced things together and created a whole bunch of doubt.

 

My theory now is that he never had any intention of anything other than keeping me in his back pocket. He had no set plan in motion that he made me believe was in motion. I feel now that his marriage has been stale for quite some time and he used me in a way to create excitement for himself again. To be wanted, and loved in a way that he hadn’t experienced in a long time. Basically emotionally using me.

 

Two weeks ago, he contacts me with just a ‘hey, whats up’ and I told him I no longer want to be involved with a married man.

 

Since then I’ve stuck to my guns but it’s difficult. Sometimes it is easy to question yourself and wonder if you are doing the right thing. In my mind and my heart I feel I am, but that doesn’t mean I don’t constantly doubt myself. I want to text him but fight those urges.

 

On one hand, I know separating from a spouse after 20+ years of marriage isn’t easy; they have built a life together. I knew it wasn’t going to happen overnight. That it would be a long process. I’m constantly saying to myself ‘give him time.’

 

On the other hand, it’s been a year and absolutely nothing has changed from day one. Nothing.

 

I guess I am just looking for opinions, or support, or anything at this point.

 

If you have any questions feel free to ask and I can make things clearer.

[Lady2163]

Yes, you're doing the right thing.

 

It does sound like he was keeping you in orbit.

 

No, it isn't easy to leave a marriage of 20 years. But if they are truly unhappy, if they truly don't love their spouse, they WILL leave.

 

It's tough to see when you're in the thick of things.

 

I believe some wandering spouses are genuinely good people. But there's a lot of dogs out there as well.

 

For him it was probably more of a seduction. He had you emotionally committed, I'm surprised he didn't find some way to have sex.

 

A married person looking to have sex with another will LIE. Since *most* women want a committed relationship rather than a booty call, of course they will say they want to be with you.

 

I'm mot lecturing - I'm a former OW

[aileD]

You fell for the trap.

 

Be lucky you got out relatively early.

[FoundMyStrength]

My theory now is that he never had any intention of anything other than keeping me in his back pocket. He had no set plan in motion that he made me believe was in motion. I feel now that his marriage has been stale for quite some time and he used me in a way to create excitement for himself again. To be wanted, and loved in a way that he hadn’t experienced in a long time. Basically emotionally using me.

 

Two weeks ago, he contacts me with just a ‘hey, whats up’ and I told him I no longer want to be involved with a married man.

 

Since then I’ve stuck to my guns but it’s difficult.

 

Keep sticking to your guns. I was in a similar situation with a married man, mostly a work-based emotional affair that turned into a long-distance texting affair. Do I believe my xMM cared? Yes. Do I believe he ever intended to leave his wife? No. But he was so confused and pulled in different directions, he future faked and gave me the most painful, soul-crushing thing in the world: hope.

 

Listen to the people on this board who have been through it. Many times, xMM don't love the OW as much as she cares for him. And even if they do, they lack the courage to either leave their wife or say goodbye to the OW and focus on their marriage. Don't let him keep you in his orbit. He'll just use you for ego boosts and extra love, and give you heartache in return. Most OW have found that they have to be the ones to break it off for their own good, because the MM will just continue to indulge as long as let them.

[sandylee1]

You've certainly done the right thing by ending it.

 

I'd say your thoughts regarding him and his marriage are correct. He had no intention of leaving.

 

He's not in a bad marriage and now that he doesn't see you on a daily basis, he realises it was infatuation and that it's a relationship he can easily do without.

 

Not texting you for 2 months demonstrates that you aren't important to him anymore and added to that he wasn't getting sex from you.. It's not worth his while.. The wife getting suspicious, was most likely his way of ending it.

 

Well done for not going all the way and realising it was a bit of future faking.

[saywaht]

You fell for the trap.

 

Be lucky you got out relatively early.

 

I do feel lucky. I feel like that 2 month break was a gift in the end. Sometimes when you're in the thick of the fog you can't see things clearly. That break did me wonders.

 

One year. One year and I've had enough. I've heard/read stories of women being led on for YEARS. I cannot imagine, that makes my heart hurt for them.

[Grammie]

So in the last 3 months, you've gotten a "hey, what's up" text?

 

And you still think he is having an affair with you, because of that one text?

 

To me, from what you have written, you were a distraction for him. You nor me know if his wife was really getting suspicious or if he just decided the affair with you wasn't what he wanted anymore OR he found a new OW at his new job.

 

During all that silence, that should have been your clue that he wasn't that into you. Someone who loves someone doesn't go without speaking (or even texting or emailing) the person they claim to love for 2 months and then drops a 3 word text. That isn't a man in love or a man in an affair. That is a man who is bored and wondering what his former OW is doing - wondering if she will take him back after he dumped her for months. This man doesn't love you. This man used you and then moved on.

 

You need to let go of any 'future' with him. There isn't one. He isn't working on leaving his marriage. he isn't planning to make a life with you. He showed you who he is - believe him.

[saywaht]

So in the last 3 months, you've gotten a "hey, what's up" text?

 

And you still think he is having an affair with you, because of that one text?

 

To me, from what you have written, you were a distraction for him. You nor me know if his wife was really getting suspicious or if he just decided the affair with you wasn't what he wanted anymore OR he found a new OW at his new job.

 

During all that silence, that should have been your clue that he wasn't that into you. Someone who loves someone doesn't go without speaking (or even texting or emailing) the person they claim to love for 2 months and then drops a 3 word text. That isn't a man in love or a man in an affair. That is a man who is bored and wondering what his former OW is doing - wondering if she will take him back after he dumped her for months. This man doesn't love you. This man used you and then moved on.

 

You need to let go of any 'future' with him. There isn't one. He isn't working on leaving his marriage. he isn't planning to make a life with you. He showed you who he is - believe him.

 

I am in no way defending him, believe me but this is what he told me to keep me strung along and hanging around.

 

He said it's an 'affair of the heart.' That even though we cannot contact each other too much anymore, that things will become difficult, that he will always feel this way about me and that I have his heart, not his wife.

 

He also told me that we could go a whole year of not contacting each other, no communication at all, and he would still feel the same about me.

 

I know now that was just a tactic to keep me around, and I fully admit it does pain me to type that. I won't get over all this quickly or easily but I have let go of any thought of a future together. At this point, why would I even want him?

 

The part I bolded in your message: I also suspected this as well. I wish there was some way I could warn her, as he wont be straight up with her

[ShatteredLady]

This is telling you that he has no plans on ever leaving his wife...

 

"He also told me that we could go a whole year of not contacting each other, no communication at all, and he would still feel the same about me."

 

...There's an English phrase "He's all mouth & no trousers!". Watch a mans actions. Don't listen to the pretty words. As they say, 'When someone shows you who they are believe them'.

 

Be strong. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Please don't let this make you loose faith in men. That's my biggest concern when I read this forum. We talk too much about how bad people are. The world isn't always like this. There are plenty of lovely, trustworthy, kind people in the world. You just need to get good at sorting the good from the bad.

 

Hint....Never get involved with a married man. Whatever excuses one makes for him, his interest in you shows a weakness of character. What kind of man would you want to share your life with? A strong character who deals with problems in relationships as they arise or a weak man who drifts along building resentments & looks for distractions?

 

One day you could be the wife of a man like that....

[minimariah]

i think you did good.

 

you watched his actions, he did nothing... maybe this NC does prompt him to finally do something, who knows. sometimes people do need that extra shove.

 

it's like this - give your MM a timeline, let him come up with an exit strategy, make him share with you a STRICT plan. wait and see if he fulfills his promises and if he makes arranged moves. if he doesn't? time to move on.

[gia37]

I'm in the same situation as you (were), only that it's the fifth year. We have not had PA, it's only been emotional. We are not even in contact (and have never been), but I can confirm that an EA can continue in spite of long periods of no-see in between. But we see each other at work from time to time.

 

I know how you feel, it must be tough for you... I doubt that he has another OW, rather his wife became suspiscious. He is afraid of breaking his routine and giving up his stable life. Somehow I'm sure you will hear from him again, then try to stay strong if you wanna shake him off. I haven't been able to do so.

[saywaht]

I'm in the same situation as you (were), only that it's the fifth year. We have not had PA, it's only been emotional. We are not even in contact (and have never been), but I can confirm that an EA can continue in spite of long periods of no-see in between. But we see each other at work from time to time.

 

I know how you feel, it must be tough for you... I doubt that he has another OW, rather his wife became suspiscious. He is afraid of breaking his routine and giving up his stable life. Somehow I'm sure you will hear from him again, then try to stay strong if you wanna shake him off. I haven't been able to do so.

 

I am VERY certain I will hear from him again. He will want to know if he still has any power over me, I am sure. And being honest, this is the reason I created an account here and shared my story. I wanted support and feedback to know I'm doing the right thing. That when he does contact me, I will be strong enough to resist.

 

 

I understand if he doesn't have the courage to leave her, or is afraid of giving up the stability of his life. I completely get it. It is a blow to the ego to be rejected like this, no question, but I understand why. And I told him all this as well. Told him to be honest with me if he couldn't bring himself to do it. But nope, just kept me suspended in his orbit as you all mentioned. Because he knew if he told me the truth chances are I'd be gone in a heartbeat.

 

If there is that small chance in hell that he is legit, he has to figure this out on his own. His problems are none of my concern and he is going to stop using me to distract himself or make himself feel better at home.

 

The LAST thing I want is for him to leave her for me, he has to leave for himself. To do that, I have to be out of his life with no hope of going back.

 

This is very cathartic. I cant exactly share any of this with people in my life. Thank you all for reading, even if you don't respond and share, just thank you for reading.

[FoundMyStrength]

I understand if he doesn't have the courage to leave her, or is afraid of giving up the stability of his life. I completely get it. It is a blow to the ego to be rejected like this, no question, but I understand why. And I told him all this as well. Told him to be honest with me if he couldn't bring himself to do it. But nope, just kept me suspended in his orbit as you all mentioned. Because he knew if he told me the truth chances are I'd be gone in a heartbeat.

 

In retrospect, this is the thing that bugged me about xMM the most. The fact that I told him I was in pain, and he still couldn't summon the courage to be HONEST with me about his intentions. It was always some mishmash of going back to his wife, but we'll be in contact soon, and I want to be friends, but I have to let my mind win over my heart, but if it doesn't work out with wife, maybe I can reach out to you someday, but you're a part of my heart and always will be, and I want you to be in my life in some way.

 

It was like talking to a man who had gone mad, and maybe he had. But good god, were his contradictions and evasions torture.

 

I'm glad you decided to escape your xMM's torture chamber.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I am VERY certain I will hear from him again. He will want to know if he still has any power over me, I am sure. And being honest, this is the reason I created an account here and shared my story. I wanted support and feedback to know I'm doing the right thing. That when he does contact me, I will be strong enough to resist.

 

 

I understand if he doesn't have the courage to leave her, or is afraid of giving up the stability of his life. I completely get it. It is a blow to the ego to be rejected like this, no question, but I understand why. And I told him all this as well. Told him to be honest with me if he couldn't bring himself to do it. But nope, just kept me suspended in his orbit as you all mentioned. Because he knew if he told me the truth chances are I'd be gone in a heartbeat.

 

If there is that small chance in hell that he is legit, he has to figure this out on his own. His problems are none of my concern and he is going to stop using me to distract himself or make himself feel better at home.

 

The LAST thing I want is for him to leave her for me, he has to leave for himself. To do that, I have to be out of his life with no hope of going back.

 

This is very cathartic. I cant exactly share any of this with people in my life. Thank you all for reading, even if you don't respond and share, just thank you for reading.

 

saywaht, I have believed like most of the posters here, that the majority of MM's, MW's lead their OW's, OM's on with lies, never intending to do anything about their marriages.

 

But, at this time I have a bird's eye view on a marriage in which a cheating partner is trying to decide whether to leave for the OW/OM or not. The BS is a person I am very close to and it's tearing the BS and those close to her/him apart. (am being as vague as possible so using the term her/him instead of specific gender.)

 

Contrary to what I read on here, the MM/MW in this situation is not sharing the bedroom or having marital relations with the BS and hasn't for over six months, though they had an active sex life before the A began.

 

So, when he/she says, "I'm not sleeping with my spouse," it very well could be true. When he/she speaks in terms of what is known here as "future faking" it may not be faking at all, even if the MM/MW never leaves. They may truly want to and plan on it as the MM/MW in this situation seems to be doing.

 

In the particular situation I'm aware of it's very hard to tell what the MM/MW will choose to do. This person waffles all the time and the BS is committed to hanging in there until the WW/WH leaves or not. Not what I'd do in the situation but am certain the BS will stick to his/her guns on this.

 

I will tell you this, though. It is HELL to be the BS or in the close inner circle of the BS in these types of situations, where the wayward is considering leaving over a long period of time. I don't think OW/OM realize the torture they put the betrayed and those who are close to the betrayed through. It's extremely painful for the betrayed and for those close to him/her who support her/him. The ripple effect it has is awful. I and a couple of others, though we aren't the betrayed, have cried, lost sleep, had our work affected, etc., as this WW/WH (MM/MW) tries to make up his/her mind.

 

I would encourage you to stay away from this man. It is a terrible scenario to be a part of.

[Southern Sun]

Who's to say what he intended, but it kind of sounds like he (and you) indulged in the fantasy. He perpetuated and enjoyed the IDEA of a different life with you, but when it came down to brass tacks, he was likely not REALLY thinking of going there. I mean, you never even consummated the relationship. I give you props for that, but it is also quite rare when two adults have proximity and claim to be in love. In fact, considering he never even used the words with you, it points even more towards him trying to keep this "up in the clouds", airy, dreamy, just a vague, pleasant idea...you're always in his heart...and that's about it.

 

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Stop the bleed now.

[FusionCutter]

The whole "keep giving him time" is pure bull.

 

By keeping you thinking that you need to give him time, no need for him to do anything.

 

If he was a decent person he would have realized very quickly what he needed to do to make things right. I mean ask yourself honestly. Would you have done what he did to you if the roles were reversed?

[saywaht]

Exactly. If I had let this go for years, he would have be totally fine with that. Why would he complain? Gets to have his cake and eat it too.

 

It would be different if I was okay with that too, but I'm not and he knew that from the beginning.

 

So ironically enough, he DID text me after my last post. Two weeks NC down the drain! It's like he read my mind that I knew he would lol.

 

He texted me that he 'completely understands where I'm coming from, completely gets why I don't want to do this anymore, but can we remain friends? Our connection is too important to him to lose and he doesn't take this connection lightly.' Are you serious???

[Miss Clavel]

 

 

 

 

 

 

The LAST thing I want is for him to leave her for me, he has to leave for himself. To do that, I have to be out of his life with no hope of going back.

 

 

and there it is. that tiny measure of hope that keeps you hooked. he's wasted a year of your life already!! if it was me....the **** i'd do to him.

 

the nerve!! who the f does he think he is? worse, who does he think you are?

[saywaht]

and there it is. that tiny measure of hope that keeps you hooked. he's wasted a year of your life already!! if it was me....the **** i'd do to him.

 

the nerve!! who the f does he think he is? worse, who does he think you are?

 

To be fair, that was apart of my 'if there is a small chance in hell' thought process. But I understand what you mean. He recognized that too and kept feeding me what I wanted to hear.

 

I did think about going that....route as well. Telling his wife everything. I know where she works and have her number, he willingly gave me that info. I have tremendous amounts of 'evidence.' But decided against it. No point.

[BTDT2012]

Exactly. If I had let this go for years, he would have be totally fine with that. Why would he complain? Gets to have his cake and eat it too.

 

It would be different if I was okay with that too, but I'm not and he knew that from the beginning.

 

So ironically enough, he DID text me after my last post. Two weeks NC down the drain! It's like he read my mind that I knew he would lol.

 

He texted me that he 'completely understands where I'm coming from, completely gets why I don't want to do this anymore, but can we remain friends? Our connection is too important to him to lose and he doesn't take this connection lightly.' Are you serious???

 

I hope you deleted that text without responding.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

 

I did think about going that....route as well. Telling his wife everything. I know where she works and have her number, he willingly gave me that info. I have tremendous amounts of 'evidence.' But decided against it. No point.

 

This too takes tremendous strength when you are hurting. I have spent much time (months) pondering/reflecting on doing this regarding my xMM, and concluded it would only perpetuate more drama and pain. I think you made the right choice about this, too. Hang in there! It's a roller coaster ride for sure, but gets easier with time. xMM knows what is required to "do the right thing." Until then (and probably for eternity), he's looking out for #1, and it ain't you. I've concluded that no matter what was "real" for the MMs, the vast majority of them are too weak and cowardly to do anything about it anyway...just easier for them to leave huge doses of pain in their wakes for all the people affected. Weak is not sexy (to me) anyhow. Stay strong and keep posting. Hugs!

Edited February 13, 2017 by HadMeOverABarrel
changed preposition for clarity

[saywaht]

I hope you deleted that text without responding.

 

Yes I did. I did not respond but in my head I thought of 100 different ways I could've responded. And let me tell you, I hate this feeling. I can't bring myself to do it yet (I'm human after all) but next logical step is blocking the number completely if he cannot respect my wishes.

[FoundMyStrength]

Yes I did. I did not respond but in my head I thought of 100 different ways I could've responded. And let me tell you, I hate this feeling. I can't bring myself to do it yet (I'm human after all) but next logical step is blocking the number completely if he cannot respect my wishes.

 

Good on you for ignoring him. Best to give him no positive reinforcement at all. I think we all hate the feeling of ignoring them. It honestly feels completely unnatural to me. I've never done it before. I have ex boyfriends I don't talk to, but I have never just excised someone from my life like this. But it's them or us. Or, more accurately maybe, it's their wives or us. I'll take on a lot of pain to make sure I never cause any more for her.

[jah526]

Good on you for ignoring him. Best to give him no positive reinforcement at all. I think we all hate the feeling of ignoring them. It honestly feels completely unnatural to me.

 

Yeah it's been very painful for me since he and his cube mate were the only people at work I could relate to. Honestly feel like I have no one to talk to anymore and sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.

 

FMS you never had a DDay did you?

[HappyAgain2014]

This guy never had any intention of leaving his wife.

 

Again, most men aren't terribly complicated. If they want to do something, they do it. Also, men who truly love a woman wouldn't let her go or risk losing them.

 

This brings me to my biggest conclusion about cheaters. They love themselves more than anyone else.

 

Let this one go. Nothing original or promising about his behavior. He's just bored and looking for attention.