I'm doing the right thing...right??

[FoundMyStrength]

Yeah it's been very painful for me since he and his cube mate were the only people at work I could relate to. Honestly feel like I have no one to talk to anymore and sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.

 

FMS you never had a DDay did you?

 

Yep, no D-Day. We met when he was away from home on a work assignment (so we were, literally, in our own little world for the duration). He went back home, and to my knowledge, has not told her (he never intended to). The last time I had any contact with him was about 4 months ago, when I went completely NC and shut down our shared email.

 

I remember reading about the situation with your xMM and his cube mate, that you three were very tight. I can't imagine what you must be going through at work. At least for me, he is out of sight, out of mind. I really can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to see him each day.

 

I also have similar feelings re: no one to talk to. I think part of what drove me to the affair was being lonely to begin with, and losing him has made that feeling even worse. For me, what's helped is to take steps to expand my social circle. I resumed a sport I'd given up, am reconnecting with old friends via social media, have kept in contact with some new friends I made on that ill-fated work assignment (being careful to keep xMM out of the conversation), and am trying to get involved in local political groups. I also am now in weekly counseling. It's just a start, but it's been helping to fill in some of the emptiness that I felt after he left.

 

Keep reminding yourself you ARE doing the right thing. When you think of the loneliness, remember the pain he's caused you. Going through that pain over and over again will hurt so much more than the loneliness. Ask any OW on this site. And also remember his wife. We don't see the BS's pain, but from the way some BS's have described it on the forums, it seems unimaginable.

Edited February 14, 2017 by FoundMyStrength
correction

[jah526]

And also remember his wife. We don't see the BS's pain, but from the way some BS's have described it on the forums, it seems unimaginable.

 

Yes. Shame has been creeping in lately, with distance. I've always felt bad for her, and that is one damn good reason to stay the hell away from him. I'm pretty sure he's going to do it again though, sadly. As for me, I've surely learned my lesson.

[saywaht]

FoundMyStrength,

 

You mentioned your xMM future-faked with you. I did go back into your posting history but admit am short on time. If you don't mind, could you share some of the things he said to you. I want to compare notes lol.

 

Mine would say things like:

"I don't plan on going behind her back for the rest of my life"

"I know you find it hard to believe I would break apart a life I've built for 20 years"

"It's going to get more difficult before it becomes easier."

And much more but I'm getting to upset to remember right now.

 

Once we had a discussion about someone I started seeing. Yes, during this whole time I made it clear to him that I wasn't going to stop dating others. He admitted jealously but understood.

He said:

 

"One day I'll be going in another direction (hinting divorce) and if youre with someone else, I understand but I want you in my life."

 

It's THIS that's killing me. Why would anyone say these things to someone when I stated off the bat I'm okay if he had no intention of leaving her.

 

That's what I simply cannot let go of yet.

 

Anyone else can feel free to comment as well. Did anyone else get these kinds of phrases?

[gia37]

Nothing is black and white... especially concerning the so called future faking. Very often the MMs that chose the path of cheating are not bad people... I know that on these forums everyone will now scream immediately that why didn't he get out of his marriage the moment he laid his eyes on another women with serious interest... but it's a process, not something that starts on a determined date and is clearly defined. Often the wives don't give a damn of these men any more, have stopped giving them sex decades ago and only need them as providers. Add some kids in the mix and you get a strong trap. It's never the Cruel MM alone who suddenly starts to cheat, but a situation that broke him slowly... I have been the unloving spouse, but at least I decided to divorce him before he was completely broken...

 

I believe many of these MM are sincerely in love with the OW and also plan to leave, but they are simply not ready yet. And then the time is up.

[HeCantBreakMe]

FoundMyStrength,

 

You mentioned your xMM future-faked with you. I did go back into your posting history but admit am short on time. If you don't mind, could you share some of the things he said to you. I want to compare notes lol.

 

Mine would say things like:

"I don't plan on going behind her back for the rest of my life"

"I know you find it hard to believe I would break apart a life I've built for 20 years"

"It's going to get more difficult before it becomes easier."

And much more but I'm getting to upset to remember right now.

 

Once we had a discussion about someone I started seeing. Yes, during this whole time I made it clear to him that I wasn't going to stop dating others. He admitted jealously but understood.

He said:

 

"One day I'll be going in another direction (hinting divorce) and if youre with someone else, I understand but I want you in my life."

 

It's THIS that's killing me. Why would anyone say these things to someone when I stated off the bat I'm okay if he had no intention of leaving her.

 

That's what I simply cannot let go of yet.

 

Anyone else can feel free to comment as well. Did anyone else get these kinds of phrases?

 

Aw the future faking. I don't know how much i would call it faking as much as - 'keeping the fantasy alive' in some of these MM minds they were going to leave (at least they wanted to) and live this amazing life with their OW, but when it came down to the reality of it they just did not have the ability to wreck their comfortable lives and they probably really do (in the real world) love their spouses and had no desire to leave them. - BUT the reality does not fit with the fantasy so they kept fantasy land going with us by future faking and kept their real lives happy by living and loving their wives.

 

Here is what I heard in the future faking lines:

- WE will get through this together

- I don't know how but I know we will end up together in the end

- Do you want another kid?

- Baby i do not want to live this life without you

- I need you to be there for me while i go through the divorce process

- I am not sure where I am going to live because I will let her keep the house

 

 

oh and so on..

[FoundMyStrength]

FoundMyStrength,

You mentioned your xMM future-faked with you. I did go back into your posting history but admit am short on time. If you don't mind, could you share some of the things he said to you. I want to compare notes lol.

 

My xMM's future faking was very similar to HeCantBreakMe. He kind of created a fantasy world in his mind, and he let that spill out into our conversations and texts. Among the lines:

 

-- "I know that I want you to always be a part of my life"

-- "You would fit in so well with my family/friends"

-- X friend or family member would like you so much

-- If it wouldn't cause pain for my wife, I would be with you

-- I am going to go back to my wife, and discover whether or not I still love her and want to be with her

-- My love for you has made me question whether I should be with her

-- Any number of the following: I want to cook with you, watch movies with you, go grocery shopping with you, wake up next to you, drink coffee with you, sit on the couch with you

-- The worst period came as we approached his departure. Then he started asking me lots of questions about my life over the next two years (my career path will take me to another city next year, and then again the following year). He never admitted it, but I think he was "sizing up" the prospect of being with me, and decided to stick with his current life.

[FoundMyStrength]

Yes. Shame has been creeping in lately, with distance. I've always felt bad for her, and that is one damn good reason to stay the hell away from him. I'm pretty sure he's going to do it again though, sadly. As for me, I've surely learned my lesson.

 

The shame gets to me too, and is probably the most powerful thing telling me not to contact him.

 

There's also an undercurrent of knowing, deep down, that if I were to email or text him now, it would feel so demeaning. Like begging: "Please, pick me. Love me. I will do anything to stay in your life." I just can't do that. I can't beg for someone's love.

[saywaht]

My xMM's future faking was very similar to HeCantBreakMe. He kind of created a fantasy world in his mind, and he let that spill out into our conversations and texts. Among the lines:

 

-- "I know that I want you to always be a part of my life"

-- "You would fit in so well with my family/friends"

-- X friend or family member would like you so much

-- If it wouldn't cause pain for my wife, I would be with you

-- I am going to go back to my wife, and discover whether or not I still love her and want to be with her

-- My love for you has made me question whether I should be with her

-- Any number of the following: I want to cook with you, watch movies with you, go grocery shopping with you, wake up next to you, drink coffee with you, sit on the couch with you

-- The worst period came as we approached his departure. Then he started asking me lots of questions about my life over the next two years (my career path will take me to another city next year, and then again the following year). He never admitted it, but I think he was "sizing up" the prospect of being with me, and decided to stick with his current life.

 

Ugh, I'm sorry you went through that. I cannot imagine, you have certainly found your strength. Much respect.

 

Mine was more subtle. Never mentioned anything like my family would like you, promising kids or a house or any of what HeCantBreakMe wrote.

 

I think mine loved the fantasy aspect of it. The less direct he was, the more vague he was, the fantasy continued on.

 

I totally get the 'if you text him now, you'll look weak' theory. Like he still has all the power and he knows it. That's what I'm fighting too.

 

I admit, I do badly want to text him my thoughts, not wanting to stay in his life, just wanting to unload on him. Then block his number so I don't see the response. That way I get it out of my system, I feel good, and know I'll never hear from him again. But I don't want him knowing he hurt me that much. He won't get that from me.

[aileD]

I admit, I do badly want to text him my thoughts, not wanting to stay in his life, just wanting to unload on him. Then block his number so I don't see the response. That way I get it out of my system, I feel good, and know I'll never hear from him again. But I don't want him knowing he hurt me that much. He won't get that from m

 

Write it all down....get it out. Say everything you want to say. Jen when you're ready. Burn it. Let it go out with the ashes

[HeCantBreakMe]

Ugh, I'm sorry you went through that. I cannot imagine, you have certainly found your strength. Much respect.

 

Mine was more subtle. Never mentioned anything like my family would like you, promising kids or a house or any of what HeCantBreakMe wrote.

 

I think mine loved the fantasy aspect of it. The less direct he was, the more vague he was, the fantasy continued on.

 

I totally get the 'if you text him now, you'll look weak' theory. Like he still has all the power and he knows it. That's what I'm fighting too.

 

I admit, I do badly want to text him my thoughts, not wanting to stay in his life, just wanting to unload on him. Then block his number so I don't see the response. That way I get it out of my system, I feel good, and know I'll never hear from him again. But I don't want him knowing he hurt me that much. He won't get that from me.

 

You may find this article really helpful - actually I think a lot on this board would:

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/getting-back-out-there/201506/when-the-person-you-love-doesnt-love-you

[saywaht]

Write it all down....get it out. Say everything you want to say. Jen when you're ready. Burn it. Let it go out with the ashes

 

Wow, I got teary-eyed when I read this. I will certainly write everything down and when it's time, do exactly this.

 

I'm not entirely sure if it's denial yet, but I feel much better today. I am starting to feel like I did at the two month period before I got that 'hey, what's up' text that shook me up. I wasn't expecting feeling this good today after a really tough yesterday.

 

I'm lucky we had that long break of NC already and dont work together anymore or this would be a LOT harder.

[FoundMyStrength]

Wow, I got teary-eyed when I read this. I will certainly write everything down and when it's time, do exactly this.

 

I'm not entirely sure if it's denial yet, but I feel much better today. I am starting to feel like I did at the two month period before I got that 'hey, what's up' text that shook me up. I wasn't expecting feeling this good today after a really tough yesterday.

 

I'm lucky we had that long break of NC already and dont work together anymore or this would be a LOT harder.

 

I'm glad you're feeling a little better today! As I imagine you've experienced, the urges to reach out come in waves. Sometimes it's random, sometimes prompted by a special date or a reminder. Just keep coming back here whenever they do, and we'll all have your back.

[aileD]

Wow, I got teary-eyed when I read this. I will certainly write everything down and when it's time, do exactly this.

 

I'm not entirely sure if it's denial yet, but I feel much better today. I am starting to feel like I did at the two month period before I got that 'hey, what's up' text that shook me up. I wasn't expecting feeling this good today after a really tough yesterday.

 

I'm lucky we had that long break of NC already and dont work together anymore or this would be a LOT harder.

Im glad your feeling better. Getting over him is about YOU not him. He doesn't need to be involved in your process of letting him go.

 

And I hope you know I meant "then", not "Jen" (darn autocorrect!)

Edited February 15, 2017 by aileD

[saywaht]

I'm glad you're feeling a little better today! As I imagine you've experienced, the urges to reach out come in waves. Sometimes it's random, sometimes prompted by a special date or a reminder. Just keep coming back here whenever they do, and we'll all have your back.

 

Thank you it could've been the Valentines Day thing. I did go out with someone (yes, someone available lol) but at this point I'm just going through the motions...but I'm not leading this guy on!

 

The thought of my xMM with his wife doesn't make me jealous at all. That's one thing that never affected me, them two together doing things. The fact that he wasn't even using me for sex, but emotionally, means him and his wife are so broken at home he needed me as an escape. Thinking that makes me feel better anyways.

 

I will continue to write my thoughts here, whether anyone responds or not. I need this to help me maintain NC. I know there will be peaks and valleys.

 

aileD, I knew you meant 'then' lol