Boyfriend cheated? w/ a prostitue while on vaca in amsterdam

[Lil'beth]

So I just returned from a vacation in amsterdam with my boyfriend. We have been together for about 1.5 years, but have been friends for about 10 yrs since colege.

On our final night we had a fight nothing major but we had both been drinking and so of course it was blown out of proportion. I stormed of angry and took a cab back to the hotel.

He showed up 4 hours later proceeded to the bathroom where he threw up and passed out on the floor, I found him there half dressed with a slightly used condom in his pocket. By slighty used I mean it was on but he never finished. His claim is that he was so drunk he blacked out and has absolutely no recollection of what happened, and he says he wouldn't have been able to perform regardless which explains the lack of finished prodcut. As if thats even a excuse! He was drinking very heavily we both were but while he was with me he had a 1/2 bottle of wine and at least 7 jack daniels on the rocks. And he proceeded to throw up for the next 10 hour swhich make me thingk he was REALLY drunk.

So I guess what i need to know is... if he did truly blackout and did not know what was happening is it still and indication he woudl be likely to cheat again?

At this point I can't even think of looking at him let alone forgiving him but I love him and want to at least try to figure out a final resolution.

So please I am all ears do you think it's possible for him to have blacked out and not know what he was doing or was this just a convinient excuse?

Am I an idiot for even comtemplating speakign to him, or do I walk away and say good riddance?

The worst part is if he had just asked me I probably would have been cool with it and said sure let me watch. after all rpostituion is legal and organized byt the governement in asmterdam, so it's definitely safer and more like a tourist attraction there.

Thanks for the help!

Lil beth

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by Lil'beth

Am I an idiot for even comtemplating speakign to him, or do I walk away and say good riddance?

 

In a way yes.. Being drunk is NO excuse for cheating..

 

For what it's worth I'm an Alcoholic (speaking from experience, not in cheating but drinking) that has been sober for over 18 years and I think that if you take the attitude that it is okay because he was drunk you are enabling that behavior and it will happen in the future.. Dump him ..

[SoftDrink]

if he does something like this when he is in such close proximity to you, i shudder to think what happens when he is not.

[SoftDrink]

also, try a keyword search on alcohol and cheating.

 

here's this one, for example.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t58242/

[soccorsilly]

What is a slightly used condom? OK it did ot have cum in it, was it just an opened condom? Was it unrolled? Did it look like it had been used?

 

I think the problem is not the cheating but the boozing. Hey he could have blacked out. He may have cheated. He may have just thought about it. Maybe he came back and tried to put it on to go after you? There is no real way to tell at this point and it is probably not fair to judge based on assumption--no one apparently knows the truth unless you are putting up signs in Amsterdam "Did you F*ck this Man of May 2, 2005"

 

If it was a boozing binge, write it off and work on the relationship and how to fight. If he is a boozer, get him some help.

 

Don't be so quick to dump--people do black out. While it is an excuse to a degree it is also an explanation.

[Lil'beth]

By slightly used i mean it looked as if it had been put on but there was no cum. I am beginning to think he did black out, after having a 3 hour conversation with him last night he doesn't remember major parts of the evening before we had the fight. The fact that he was still throwing up and out of it hours later makes me think he was drunk beyond what i have ever known him to be. And he is horrified at what happened, and has sworn he will never ever let himself drink that much again; we are not "big" drinkers but we really cut loose on this trip. But because i have experience with blackouts I don't know if it's true you don't have any idea of what you are doing. That's what i can't reconcile. He has agreed to stop drinking for a while, get tested for any STD's, and understands that right now I cannot fathom being intimate with him.

If you had asked me a week ago did I think this situation would ever be possible I would have so NO for so many reasons, mainly because He would never cheat on me, and also b/c he never drinks anywhere near enough to lose control.

I guess my main issue now is if I say we can try to work through this am I accepting what happened and saying it's OK?

[soccorsilly]

Given that info, I would not let this ruin the rest of your relationship. The amount of booze for a seasoned drinker is a lot and yes you can get so drunk you have no idea what happened. Yuo have talked about it--good sign---he has agreed to get tested--another good sign.

 

As long as it comes back negative, you just need to put it behind you--never do it again and don't let it eat your relationship up

[SoftDrink]

Originally posted by Lil'beth

mainly because He would never cheat on me, and also b/c he never drinks anywhere near enough to lose control.

 

but that's not true anymore.

[Zaira]

Being drunk is no excuse. Having a fight and feeling awful is no excuse. I also believe that if someone cheats on you, no matter how drunk etc they are, then they are not in love.

 

However, if you are willing to forgive him and he is willing to change his attitude then goodluck to you both

[soccorsilly]

Where is the proof that he cheated? You guys are castrating him with no evidence.

[SoftDrink]

oh come on. a used condom in his pocket?

 

if i found my boyfriend passed out on the floor with an unopened condom coming out his pocket, i would wonder too.

 

and there is a reason she brings up "prostitute."

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by soccorsilly

Where is the proof that he cheated? You guys are castrating him with no evidence.

 

Maybe he put it on because he didn't want to get anything on himself when he masturbated

 

Or he was trying it on to see if it fit first ...

 

If a man puts on a condom there has to be a reason ... No ?

 

Maybe he deflated after a few pumps because he was so drunk

[sweetserendipity]

Originally posted by soccorsilly

 

 

If it was a boozing binge, write it off and work on the relationship and how to fight. If he is a boozer, get him some help.

 

Don't be so quick to dump--people do black out. While it is an excuse to a degree it is also an explanation.

 

 

First of all, if he's a "boozer", HE has to be the one to admit he has a problem and HE has to be the one to get HIMSELF some help - since when is it her responsible to do that?

 

And so what if he did allegedly black out? It doesn't change the fact that the "reacted" to their fight by going off to a prostitute. Did you miss that key part of her post?

[sweetserendipity]

Originally posted by Lil'beth

The worst part is if he had just asked me I probably would have been cool with it and said sure let me watch. after all rpostituion is legal and organized byt the governement in asmterdam, so it's definitely safer and more like a tourist attraction there.

 

You're serious? You would have given permission to your bf, had he asked, to screw a hooker - likely even wanting to watch them go at it? Hun, a tourist attraction is the Eiffel Tower, the Taj Mahal, the Pyramids. You have an odd relationship but I guess whatever works for you. If you'd have given him permission to poke some hooker then really, it would seem you don't care if he shares his d*ck with others so what's the big deal?

[soccorsilly]

And so what if he did allegedly black out? It doesn't change the fact that the "reacted" to their fight by going off to a prostitute. Did you miss that key part of her post?

 

Samantha---if you read her post, you will see that she left him.....

 

I stormed of angry and took a cab back to the hotel.

 

But as for getting him help, it has already been determined it was a binge--read the thread please --and they are NOT big drinkers. But if they were, I still stand by that--an alcoholic willnot typically get help on their own, some intervention is typically warranted.

 

And as for your world travels--yes the Red Light District in Amsterdam is most definately a tourist attraction. That is not to say most men partake in the wares of the windowed ladies, but a lot do. Sex is perceived a lot differently in countries other than our own. Especially in Amsterdam, you will see theatres full of men AND women watching a live sex act on stage. Men AND women will frequent the prostitutes--and I might add are probably a lot safer in terms of a STD than most women of the general public.

 

So, are you in Boston or Atlanta? What do you tink Fly?