BF said he thinks he's going to take a break!

[academicmoss]

My bf and I have been together for 7.5 months. When we're good, we're amazing. When we're bad we get pretty heated. But, my bad times with my bf are better than my good times ever were with my ex. My bf and I click, we just have a connection. He's said so himself. In fact, he recently told me, last week, that we have a bond he isn't sure he'd ever find with anyone else. I agree. He's talked about marriage and kids in the distant future, which is something he doesn't talk about. 6 days ago he messaged me this "You are so much fun to be around. I am truly blessed to have you as my friend and partner in this life. I love you so much. YOU are the one for me". Great, huh? Now here's the problem....

 

We both have trust and insecurity issues. I think my bf is bipolar, also. He says he isn't but when I offered to pay for his meds if he needed some he said he wasn't walking around like a zombie. So, he may know he has issues. He admits that his past/childhood has made it hard to trust. The girls before me cheated/lied to him so he naturally assumes I'm doing it too. He's never caught me in a lie, nor anything that would jeopardize our relationship, which is why I think he's so confused. He's struggling with what he "thinks" vs. reality. He'll get a thought in his head and he'll roll with it, and it pisses me off because sometimes it's like pulling teeth to convince him otherwise. Anyway, due to these issues we fight, more times than not now.

 

He messaged me yesterday and said this (6 days after telling me I'm the one, let's not forget).. "I've been thinking and I think I'm going to take a break. There's NO trust, or very little, and it's a stressful situation. It's stressing me out and taking a toll on me. You can block me or do whatever you need to. I'm probably going to delete my Facebook anyways. I hope you understand and know that I appreciate everything you've done for me". He would hate if I blocked him. He's admitted that before so I know he said that as reverse psychology, in hopes I really wouldn't. I basically messaged him back telling him he's causing the stress from the thoughts in his head. Out of frustration I accused him of having another girl and he said "nope, no girl has my attention. We're just two adults talking about our relationship". In our time together he'd never betrayed me and hardly ever even talked to another girl. If there was one on fb or wherever that he thought would be an issue, he willingly blocked/deleted her. He was pretty honest with me too, sometimes telling me things that I would've rather not heard.

 

I don't think he was cheating and I don't necessarily think this is about another girl. I think he's confused and living in a fantasy world of things that aren't even happening. I could really use some advice because other than this bullcrap, we were great together. I chose not to block him on Facebook, but I have logged out in the meantime. This isn't the first time he's acted this way either. He's like this every now and then. Up and down. Hot and cold. Right after we made love a week ago, we were lying in bed (still embraced) and he started talking about my ex husband. It led to a fight because he wouldn't believe anything I said. He'll "ponder" on things and come up with these situations that haven't even happened.

 

What do I do from here? We haven't spoken since the little chat yesterday. I logged out of Facebook/messenger to avoid the situation. But, can someone please tell me what the heck is going on here? I'm sure this man loves and cares about me. He treated me like a queen except for when his mind would go off on a tangent. The guy is beautiful. I don't know why he's so insecure. His ex put him down and anytime I compliment him he doesn't believe it. He's the only man I've ever met when you compliment the size of his manhood, he insists you're lying because his ex told him the opposite. Am I fighting a losing battle??

 

This really pisses me off. I want to just grab him, and shake some sense into him for being so stupid and ruining what was an otherwise AMAZING relationship.

 

Edit: let me note that I still have a key to his place and as of now he hasn't asked for it back. I still have some of my stuff at his place which he hasn't told me to get. His relationship status on Facebook is the same. Yet, depending on what craziness is going through his mind, all of this could change at any moment.

Edited February 12, 2017 by academicmoss

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry this has happened to you, OP.

 

One of my ex-boyfriends was also very inconsistent in his desire to be in a relationship and in his love for me. One week he was all in, the next week he wanted out. Hot-cold, push-pull. He had in fact been diagnosed with a personality disorder (Borderline) and thus his mood swings were much more dramatic than what you are describing, but the inconsistency became the hallmark of the relationship. My ex too looked for reasons to become upset and push me away, and there was no convincing him that what he was thinking simply wasn't the objective truth. I got tired of trying to assuage his insecurity when it was utterly baseless.

 

My advice to you is try to not to dwell too much on the "why", though I know it's hard not to. If your ex is truly suffering some type of mental health condition, there's not a lot you can do if he doesn't want treatment. Mine refused all treatment as well. His sudden change in behaviour towards you indicates that he's just not in a place to be in a relationship. He can't offer you the type of stability you're probably hoping for.

 

I stayed with my ex for around a year, and it involved a lot of on-off. It didn't get better so I finally had to end it completely. It hurts, I know. But I think you should believe him when he says he can't do this right now. His actions support that assertion. Sure, the great moments are wonderful but they're generally not enough to sustain a healthy connection when one person is yo-yoing in and out of the relationship. They're what keep you hopeful that it will get better, but again, unless he wants in for the long haul they're just not sufficient reason to keep going back.

[spiderowl]

Oh gosh, what a difficult situation OP! This guy is truly messing with your head. My first thought was 'what is he thinking of?!'

 

Whatever the situation, you don't deserve to be treated like this. It is not fair of him to say one thing a week ago, then to do this a few days later. In fact, it is bizarre. Having said that, I don't think it is uncommon for pre-dumpers to say nice things. I had this happen to me once - a week before he opted out. It is as though their thought train is 'do I really want to get out of this relationship when I am with someone who is amazing in many respects?' My (ex) guy told me how lovely I was, how much he respected me for what I did and how I coped with looking after my son on my own. He said he thought I was amazing. I look back now and think there must have been a 'but' which that was never said at the time.

 

However, I do not know what is going on in your boyfriend's head. You can only now respond to what he has done, which is to hurt you. I do not believe in 'breaks', they are precursors to the break-up in my opinion. He really needs to know now that you will not put up with this kind of behaviour. How you do this is up to you. In your situation, I would tell him to go for good and then go no contact myself. He would have to be forced to miss me. There is no way such treatment is acceptable. That may prevent any reconciliation but if you did reconcile after all this, then surely you would just be waiting for the next 'I am taking a break' situation?

 

I am so sorry, you must be struggling now. Take heart that you loved him and meant it. You are a great person.

Edited February 12, 2017 by spiderowl

[academicmoss]

I'm sorry this has happened to you, OP.

 

One of my ex-boyfriends was also very inconsistent in his desire to be in a relationship and in his love for me. One week he was all in, the next week he wanted out. Hot-cold, push-pull. He had in fact been diagnosed with a personality disorder (Borderline) and thus his mood swings were much more dramatic than what you are describing, but the inconsistency became the hallmark of the relationship. My ex too looked for reasons to become upset and push me away, and there was no convincing him that what he was thinking simply wasn't the objective truth. I got tired of trying to assuage his insecurity when it was utterly baseless.

 

My advice to you is try to not to dwell too much on the "why", though I know it's hard not to. If your ex is truly suffering some type of mental health condition, there's not a lot you can do if he doesn't want treatment. Mine refused all treatment as well. His sudden change in behaviour towards you indicates that he's just not in a place to be in a relationship. He can't offer you the type of stability you're probably hoping for.

 

I stayed with my ex for around a year, and it involved a lot of on-off. It didn't get better so I finally had to end it completely. It hurts, I know. But I think you should believe him when he says he can't do this right now. His actions support that assertion. Sure, the great moments are wonderful but they're generally not enough to sustain a healthy connection when one person is yo-yoing in and out of the relationship. They're what keep you hopeful that it will get better, but again, unless he wants in for the long haul they're just not sufficient reason to keep going back.

 

Thanks so much for your reply! To be honest, his mood swings were extremely dramatic. The last day I saw him he jumped down my throat for drinking his "mean bean" Monster drink. I had to remind him that he told me the day before, he bought it for me and it was in the fridge. He said he didn't remember and apologized. He had anger issues at times, getting mad over the most trivial things ever was. I am convinced he's bipolar.

 

I'm hurting really bad right now. I am filled with so much hurt and I'm so angry that he pulls this ****. He told me about 2 weeks ago that I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had that he's had a connection with. I feel like bawling my eyes out right now. I feel so sick like I could barf. He's done this before. Said he needed time and a break might be for the best. Then after a few days, after his crazy episode has faded, he misses and loves me. I don't know much about BPD, but do you think it applies to him? I thought it was weird in the beginning, when we first started talking, he said to me "you aren't bipolar are you??" in which I replied no, and then asking him if he was. He said no, but I've thought alot about that the last few days. I have trust/insecurity issues but I'm not bipolar. He has unexplainable mood swings at the most random times. He thinks the craziest stuff and is convinced it's truth when it isn't. It's frustrating because he's treated me better than anyone else I've ever been with. But then the switch is flipped and he's like someone else. I really wanted this relationship to work.

[academicmoss]

Oh gosh, what a difficult situation OP! This guy is truly messing with your head. My first thought was 'what is he thinking of?!'

 

Whatever the situation, you don't deserve to be treated like this. It is not fair of him to say one thing a week ago, then to do this a few days later. In fact, it is bizarre. Having said that, I don't think it is uncommon for pre-dumpers to say nice things. I had this happen to me once - a week before he opted out. It is as though their thought train is 'do I really want to get out of this relationship when I am with someone who is amazing in many respects?' My (ex) guy told me how lovely I was, how much he respected me for what I did and how I coped with looking after my son on my own. He said he thought I was amazing. I look back now and think there must have been a 'but' which that was never said at the time.

 

However, I do not know what is going on in your boyfriend's head. You can only now respond to what he has done, which is to hurt you. I do not believe in 'breaks', they are precursors to the break-up in my opinion. He really needs to know now that you will not put up with this kind of behaviour. How you do this is up to you. In your situation, I would tell him to go for good and then go no contact myself. He would have to be forced to miss me. There is no way such treatment is acceptable. That may prevent any reconciliation but if you did reconcile after all this, then surely you would just be waiting for the next 'I am taking a break' situation?

 

I am so sorry, you must be struggling now. Take heart that you loved him and meant it. You are a great person.

 

I know, that's the funny thing. He told me 3 days before that if he went on a break it would be for good, that he'd just go ahead and block me and move on with his life. 3 days later he needs a break, I'm STILL on his Facebook. He makes no sense. I don't understand that behavior. It's so saddening. :'(

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks so much for your reply! To be honest, his mood swings were extremely dramatic. The last day I saw him he jumped down my throat for drinking his "mean bean" Monster drink. I had to remind him that he told me the day before, he bought it for me and it was in the fridge. He said he didn't remember and apologized. He had anger issues at times, getting mad over the most trivial things ever was. I am convinced he's bipolar.

 

I'm hurting really bad right now. I am filled with so much hurt and I'm so angry that he pulls this ****. He told me about 2 weeks ago that I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had that he's had a connection with. I feel like bawling my eyes out right now. I feel so sick like I could barf. He's done this before. Said he needed time and a break might be for the best. Then after a few days, after his crazy episode has faded, he misses and loves me. I don't know much about BPD, but do you think it applies to him? I thought it was weird in the beginning, when we first started talking, he said to me "you aren't bipolar are you??" in which I replied no, and then asking him if he was. He said no, but I've thought alot about that the last few days. I have trust/insecurity issues but I'm not bipolar. He has unexplainable mood swings at the most random times. He thinks the craziest stuff and is convinced it's truth when it isn't. It's frustrating because he's treated me better than anyone else I've ever been with. But then the switch is flipped and he's like someone else. I really wanted this relationship to work.

 

I know just how you're feeling. I was there many time with my ex. And it's awful.

 

It's difficult to say whether your ex might also suffer from Borderline. It's a particular condition, and it's different from Bi-Polar. The user Downtown has a lot of excellent and comprehensive information on Borderline. You could do a board search and find his many informative contributions to the forum, and see if it sounds familiar.

 

Whatever is behind your ex's seemingly erratic behaviour, you would be very wise to keep your distance from him. Speaking from experience, the emotional ups and downs will eventually take a lasting toll on you. I can remember feeling like I'd been punched in the gut by the way my ex would suddenly cast me out of his life, only to try to reel me back in days or weeks later. He never took responsibility for his behaviour, and never apologized for hurting me. In his mind, he was totally justified in dropping me whenever he wanted or when he started to believe the untrue stories he told himself about me. He hung on to that belief even when attempting to woo me back, almost as if he were doing me a favour by giving us another chance.

Warped, huh?

 

Please, extricate yourself from this. He's showed you who he is. Believe that it will continue if he tries to wiggle his way back into your life. He's either not stable or not invested enough to maintain a consistent relationship with you.

 

I finally walked away a couple years back, and it's been a long road to regain my self-worth and the ability to open up again. It was hard, but ultimately one of the best choices I've ever made!

[preraph]

What you call a good relationship and what he calls one are two different things. This one doesn't sound very good to me. Just because it's better than the one with your ex doesn't mean it's good enough.

 

He doesn't like the discord and stress and he said that. You can't make someone like that. It's a dealbreaker for a lot of people, including myself. Let him go. Block him and don't follow his social media. Just move on.

[academicmoss]

I just got on Facebook and he blocked me and my son. I can't believe he did me this way. I'm so hurt.

[academicmoss]

I texted him telling him how I can't believe he'd go as far as to block my son, whose told him he loved him. He text me back saying it isn't permanent and that in a month he could go in and unblock us. He said he's trying to figure out if I'm the one for him. He said he's trying to figure stuff out.

[ExpatInItaly]

I texted him telling him how I can't believe he'd go as far as to block my son, whose told him he loved him. He text me back saying it isn't permanent and that in a month he could go in and unblock us. He said he's trying to figure out if I'm the one for him. He said he's trying to figure stuff out.

 

OP, please don't fall for this.

 

The type of relationship and "love" he's offering you isn't healthy. What will he "figure out" in a month that he's so unsure of now?

 

If you let him back in, you will continue to ride this roller coaster of his emotional whims, with very little consideration given to your feelings. I recognize this pattern. It's very destructive. I also came to find out that when my ex made these types of exits...well, he wasn't exactly spending them alone.

 

If you can't bring yourself to cut contact for your own sake, do it for your son. He deserves a much more stable and consistent influence. This is not someone you want in your and your son's life.

Edited February 12, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[basil67]

If you accept him back, you know he will do this again. And again. And again. What kind of life is this for you? More importantly, what kind of role model is this for your son? If he grows up seeing you accepting this in your life, he will think it's an acceptable way to behave.

 

Speaking of role models, I'm wondering why you're thinking that his behaviour is acceptable. (if it wasn't acceptable, you would have dumped him and blocked him a long time ago) Did your parents model a strong and loving relationship? Do you know what a good relationship looks like?

 

You know how you said you want to shake him by the shoulders and put some sense into him? To be honest, I want to reach through the screen and do that same thing to you - followed by a big hug. You and your son truly deserve more than this.

 

You're asking if this could be bi-polar. I realise that he has mood swings...but you mention nothing about mania. People who have bi-polar cycle from crushing depression then build slowly up and up till they are manic, then crash back down the the depressive state. Have you spent much time researching the condition?

[academicmoss]

I'm so upset right now. I can't stop crying. He texted me and told me that there is no other girl, that he isn't playing the field and that I'm welcome at his house at anytime. He said to stop by anytime I want to. I have his house key and he hasn't even asked for it back. I don't get it.

[mightycpa]

This is the kind of messed up thing you get when you decide to go out with people who have mental issues.

 

He doesn't trust you because of his "past", so in his mind, the right thing to do is to break trust with you.

 

Make sense? No, not to me either.

 

Here's what you do: get out, while the getting is good. This is the tip of the iceburg. You're the captain of the Titanic. You can change history today. Change course!

Edited February 12, 2017 by mightycpa

[Nowty V]

Don't listen to what he says, but to what he does.

 

He'll play with you like a kitten with a ball of wool; If you let him.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm so upset right now. I can't stop crying. He texted me and told me that there is no other girl, that he isn't playing the field and that I'm welcome at his house at anytime. He said to stop by anytime I want to. I have his house key and he hasn't even asked for it back. I don't get it.

 

And you won't be able to. You two are not programmed in the same way.

 

Look, I know how it feels to be going crazy trying to figure out why they behave this way. But in the end, you won't really ever know. The way you think and the way he thinks are fundamentally different. I noticed my ex was a lot nicer and kinder when we were apart, and I think it's because he felt some sense of relief - relief that he wasn't going to be held accountable for his behaviour since he was no longer in a relationship with me. He could more or less do what he wanted because technically we weren't a couple anymore. Until he decided that was enough alone time and wanted an ego rub from me. I let it happen more than I should have, until I finally just had enough and wanted to get away from him for good.

 

Take it from someone who has been there, it's not worth it. I wish I had left sooner than I did. I have moved on and found someone who blows my ex right out of the water, and reminds me what stable and healthy love feels like. You can find this again too, if you let yourself detach from this unhealthy situation and heal.

[stillafool]

For goodness sake stop chasing the guy. If he doesn't want to be bothered leave him alone. Delete everything and move on.

[academicmoss]

That's easier said than done when your heart has been ripped out of your chest. Don't act like you don't know how I feel because I'm sure you do. It's painful.

[basil67]

That's easier said than done when your heart has been ripped out of your chest. Don't act like you don't know how I feel because I'm sure you do. It's painful.

 

I think most of us know how it feels to have been in a dysfunctional or toxic relationship.

 

Question is: do you want support to get him out of your life so that you can start over? Or do you want support until he comes back so that you can continue on the same path?

[stillafool]

That's easier said than done when your heart has been ripped out of your chest. Don't act like you don't know how I feel because I'm sure you do. It's painful.

 

Yes I've been there but to continue bothering them when they don't want to be is counterproductive. It makes them glad to be away from you. When you go silent they might miss you.

[spiderowl]

I texted him telling him how I can't believe he'd go as far as to block my son, whose told him he loved him. He text me back saying it isn't permanent and that in a month he could go in and unblock us. He said he's trying to figure out if I'm the one for him. He said he's trying to figure stuff out.

 

Stuff that! Why should he get away with treating you and your son like that OP?

 

I agree he thinks he can just come and go like that and you will put up with it. He thinks he is control here. Maybe you should burst his bubble. You deserve better than this.

Edited February 13, 2017 by spiderowl

[academicmoss]

My son is 17. He isn't a child that's upset about it. I just think it's dirty to do that to my son when he's completely innocent and had nothing to do with it. I want to stop hurting. This wasn't a terrible relationship. He had issues at times but overall it was great. When his mind wasn't being crazy he was an amazing guy. He treated me very well. He wasn't just my partner, he was my friend. Then his mind would go nuts again and I'd be back to convincing him he's just crazy.

 

The pain is terrible. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped into a million pieces. What do I do now? Start NC?

 

I've cried nonstop the last 3 hours. I think I'm out of tears for tonight.

[basil67]

What you do now depends on what you want your future to be like.

 

I asked in a previous post whether you want help to move on and leave this dysfunction behind you - or if you want support till he comes back and does the same thing all over again.

 

If you want to move on and find a good partner, go NC. As painful as it will be, block and delete him on all media and devices. Do not allow him to come back.

 

If you want to have him back and keep going through this repeatedly, then leave all lines of communication open so that you can fall back in his arms when he deems himself ready to start the relationship again.

[Crystal1111]

I'm so sorry for your pain.

 

I personally went NC. I vanished.

I did it for myself because I don't want to know anything about his life. My mind would have gone too many unhealthy directions.

 

I also don't want him to know about my life.

 

Everyone heals differently. You're the only one who knows your heart. Most people will advise hardcore NC.

 

Best of luck.

[dumbass2]

I texted him telling him how I can't believe he'd go as far as to block my son, whose told him he loved him. He text me back saying it isn't permanent and that in a month he could go in and unblock us. He said he's trying to figure out if I'm the one for him. He said he's trying to figure stuff out.

 

 

You text him back "If you're not willing to try and work on things with us together in a relationship, then this is permanent and do not contact me again". Then ignore him and go NC. I know you're hurt. You felt one way about things and he obviously felt another. Someone who does this to you is not in love you. Especially to say he'll get back with you if he figures things out. You should be pissed. You should not want to be back with this guy after the way he has handled this. Actions tell you everything you need to know about someone.

[Purepony]

This guy made it clear

Your awesome !

Just not awesome enough

So screw this loser and move on !

You deserve someone who values people and a relationship a little more !