BF said he thinks he's going to take a break!

[DarrenB]

I'm feeling so sad tonight. Today has been tough. It's funny how there's so many people on here going through heartbreak and I still feel so alone, like I'm the only one who is hurting, that nobody could possibly know how I feel. This makes me want to shut the door to my heart and never open it for anybody. Emotional pain is the absolute worst.

 

I empathize for you. 6 months ago I was in your position, and they were the most painful and agonizing 6 months of my life.

 

You're probably thinking to yourself right now, 'Not another person giving me their life story about their breakup', however I will not divulge into my own personal, previous hardships, I just simply know how it feels. What I'm about to say, I want you to embed in your mind and to remind yourself in the more harrowing and sorrowful times of your life:

 

Not everyone is going to treat you the same way. Some will treat you better, some may treat you worse, some there may be a balance. But, a loss should not be deemed a perpetual loss in all aspects of life. What I mean by that is, just because you have been cruelly disposed of, or taken advantage of, ridiculed to the greatest extent... it doesn't mean that everyone will do it.

 

You will find love, again. You will find peace and happiness again. You will find sanctuary within yourself and fulfill all your aspirations. Will it be easy from this point? no, it will require a lot of time/patience, endurance and determination to move past traumatic experiences. You will reach that stage and you will look back on your moments of despair and laugh. You will be able to reminisce without feeling any pain or pessimism.

 

I am not talking nonsense, even if you may assume that. In my darkest times, I thought people would just say these things to motivate, but they do genuinely speak from experience and as do I. Take it easy on yourself. Enjoy the solitude but don't become a social outcast - enjoy time with others. You do not specifically need a lover to keep you happy, your own happiness is often created from your own behalf, therefore allow yourself to guide the way. There is a happy ending or a better outcome if you will... you just have to be willing to create it.

 

Godspeed, Academicmoss.

 

'Your life is your life

don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.

be on the watch.

there are ways out.

there is a light somewhere.

it may not be much light but

it beats the darkness.

be on the watch.

the gods will offer you chances.

know them.

take them.

you can’t beat death but

you can beat death in life, sometimes.

and the more often you learn to do it,

the more light there will be.

your life is your life.

know it while you have it.

you are marvelous

the gods wait to delight

in you.'

 

The Laughing Heart - Charles Bukowski

[academicmoss]

I'm hurting so bad right now. I feel like I've lost my best friend. He was my go to person to talk about anything. I feel so lost and lonely. :'(

 

Time is moving in slow motion. I feel so empty and sick.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm hurting so bad right now. I feel like I've lost my best friend. He was my go to person to talk about anything. I feel so lost and lonely. :'(

 

Time is moving in slow motion. I feel so empty and sick.

 

Surely your best friend treats you better than he did?

 

You need to give yourself time. Talk to people closest to you. Like any break-up, now is the time to lean on people you trust. Very few people in my life know what my ex was really like. But those who did really helped me in the healing process when I walked away for good. They reminded me why I deserved so much better than he could ever give me. It helped me keep perspective and I was able to more easily knock him off the pedestal that he didn't deserve to be on.

 

As you struggle with the memories of good times, it's also important to remember why it wasn't a healthy situation for you.

[academicmoss]

My ex, you've read the story, just messaged me this...

 

"If you don't have any plans or not busy saturday if you want you could come hang out with me and maybe us go do something idk but if not I'll understand. My door will be open for you.. lol it don't matter if it was locked you have a key".

 

Please help! What do I do?? This could lead to us talking about everything. If he would get help, I'd reconcile. But his thoughts the way they are, it would never work.

Edited February 16, 2017 by academicmoss

[basil67]

If he would get help, I'd reconcile. But his thoughts the way they are, it would never work.

 

If it was me, I'd ignore it. But you clearly aren't at the stage where you're ready to write him off. So you need to tell him what you've just written here. But don't get back together with him until he's undergoing psychological treatment and is showing determination to continue with it. A promise to change is NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

 

That being said, in a previous post, you asked if someone may take a break because of all the fighting in the relationship. Was this a generic question or were the two of you fighting a lot? If you were fighting, what were you fighting over and why were the issues not resolved? There may be more at play here than him undertaking psychological help.

[Crystal1111]

I don't know what you'll decide and I'm in no place to tell you,

 

I just hope for the best for you. Heartbreak is the worst. I hope you find comfort somehow. I don't wish this on anyone.

 

I know, that doesn't really help. My thoughts are with all the brokenhearted right now.

[academicmoss]

If it was me, I'd ignore it. But you clearly aren't at the stage where you're ready to write him off. So you need to tell him what you've just written here. But don't get back together with him until he's undergoing psychological treatment and is showing determination to continue with it. A promise to change is NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

 

That being said, in a previous post, you asked if someone may take a break because of all the fighting in the relationship. Was this a generic question or were the two of you fighting a lot? If you were fighting, what were you fighting over and why were the issues not resolved? There may be more at play here than him undertaking psychological help.

 

Thanks! We were fighting alot, several times a week. Mostly over things in his head. Something he would turn around or just some theory he came up with that hadn't even happened. To be honest, I think he got tired of the stuff in his head and just wanted a break. I found out why he blocked me. On Saturday my phone died while I was in town and instead of charging my phone I came home and got on my tablet. Facebook kept showing my location all night/next day in the same place and he accused me of pausing my location. In his mind I was cheating, or somewhere I wasn't supposed to be. That's the kind of stuff he does and it drives me nuts. Besides those moments, he was great to me. But trying to convince him is like pulling teeth.

 

Now that the dust has settled, he probably believes that it was due to something out of my control. He's like this with alot of stuff. And it isn't always cheating. He can turn anything around to mean whatever. I'm convinced he should see somebody. He's said that too but also said he doesn't want to walk around like a zombie.

[ExpatInItaly]

My ex, you've read the story, just messaged me this...

 

"If you don't have any plans or not busy saturday if you want you could come hang out with me and maybe us go do something idk but if not I'll understand. My door will be open for you.. lol it don't matter if it was locked you have a key".

 

Please help! What do I do?? This could lead to us talking about everything. If he would get help, I'd reconcile. But his thoughts the way they are, it would never work.

 

I have a feeling you'll go, but be warned that this won't be the last time you'll get hurt.

 

This will almost definitely happen again. And again.

 

Be careful.

[EZNona]

My ex, you've read the story, just messaged me this...

 

"If you don't have any plans or not busy saturday if you want you could come hang out with me and maybe us go do something idk but if not I'll understand. My door will be open for you.. lol it don't matter if it was locked you have a key".

 

Please help! What do I do?? This could lead to us talking about everything. If he would get help, I'd reconcile. But his thoughts the way they are, it would never work.

 

I'm sorry, but this guy is very manipulative...emotionally manipulative. Don't you see that he plays this victim role/false scenarios to get you to run after to him? I had a friendship like this once. It was so draining and I finally cut it off for my own sanity.

 

There are some people in the world who will create these false issues, so that they become a victim. It keeps you emotionally tied to them because you are constantly having to reassure them and prove to them that you didn't mean to hurt them and would never intentionally hurt them...to prove that you are good to them and not this bad person they are painting you out to be. It's a way for them to keep control over the relationship and to keep emotional control over you. I call it Emotional Blackmail.

 

You say this relationship wasn't terrible, but everything you've described thus far sounds pretty terrible.

 

This person will never change. This is who they are and they will drag you down that rabbit hole if you decide to go back. Don't do it to yourself. It will only get worse over time.

[academicmoss]

I didn't reply because I seriously was going to think on it. I just woke up to another text from him that said this..

 

"Nevermind then. There's nothing to do there except watch movies. Maybe it's for the best. Sorry I even asked and bothered you".

 

Now what? It would be a chance for us to talk but at the same time I'm not sure I'm ready to talk either. I'm pretty angry and not sure I can see him without my tail feathers getting all ruffled. lol. I feel like if I don't at least take this chance that there may never be another one. I'm so torn.

[MidwestUSA]

I didn't reply because I seriously was going to think on it. I just woke up to another text from him that said this..

 

"Nevermind then. There's nothing to do there except watch movies. Maybe it's for the best. Sorry I even asked and bothered you".

 

Now what? It would be a chance for us to talk but at the same time I'm not sure I'm ready to talk either. I'm pretty angry and not sure I can see him without my tail feathers getting all ruffled. lol. I feel like if I don't at least take this chance that there may never be another one. I'm so torn.

 

Aw, poor guy. He wants you to join his pity party.

 

No. Stay firm. It's not like he asked you to talk, logically and in adult fashion. He asked you to 'hang out'. Don't fall for it.

[ExpatInItaly]

I didn't reply because I seriously was going to think on it. I just woke up to another text from him that said this..

 

"Nevermind then. There's nothing to do there except watch movies. Maybe it's for the best. Sorry I even asked and bothered you".

 

Now what? It would be a chance for us to talk but at the same time I'm not sure I'm ready to talk either. I'm pretty angry and not sure I can see him without my tail feathers getting all ruffled. lol. I feel like if I don't at least take this chance that there may never be another one. I'm so torn.

 

It's manipulation. That's it.

 

He's emotionally manipulated you for a while, and he's doing it again. It's about power and control for him, not love.

[SevenCity]

I've noticed that you don't entirely agree with the whole NC thing, ignoring them when/and if they reach out. I dont know if you've read my story but unexpectedly my ex texted me this earlier...

 

"If you don't have any plans or not busy saturday if you want you could come hang out with me and maybe us go do something idk but if not I'll understand. My door will be open for you.. lol it don't matter if it was locked you have a key".

 

I believe he has BPD so he would need therapy, which he's agreed to, before this relationship would ever work. Should I go or not? What's your opinion? Most will probably tell me to ignore it but at the same time it could be a chance to sit down and talk face to face. He needed a break from all the thoughts in his head and the fighting so I haven't initiated contact, it's been him. It's been a week since I've saw him and 2 days NC, until he messaged me earlier. I hate to come in here and ask this in your thread but I can't message you. Your posts tend to catch my attention as you're not all "tell them to **** off". lol.. Actually, I just noticed I can private message, I guess? I'm such a newbie. lol

 

academicmoss - I'm putting my reply in your thread so we can stay out of trouble with the mods

 

I read through the entire thread and it appears that he does have some sort of emotional issues (BPD or otherwise). Whereas I don' t think you should always ignore a reach out from an ex, the patterns you described here does not make me feel he will change.

 

As stated, no amount of love will fix him. It's not your job and you can't do it. That said, I understand why you want to reconcile as you have a deep connection with him that is elusive to say the least (I speak from experience).

 

You have to look at healing / NC as a bank account. Say you are saving for a purchase (house, car, etc.). The longer time you spend in NC the more money you save. However, anytime you break it you spend all your money and start from square one and have to start saving all over again until you can "afford" to move on.

 

In many cases I disagree with ignoring the ex. However, he is demonstrating behavior that confirms exactly why people say to ignore it. He is being selfish and realizes that he can have you at anytime he wants.

 

In your post you stated that he is willing to seek therapy - that's a step in the right direction. If he truly is willing then I would say yes, see him and discuss going to therapy. However, this could just be another ploy to keep you hooked. I'm not sure what has changed in his mind in a week.

 

People here speak from experience and they are telling you to take action to avoid future pain. Here's the thing - they don't know and neither will you. It's like someone telling you not to go on a trip because you'll get hurt doing something. You go and you get hurt - ok. But you don't go and you'll never know if you were saved from something or not.

 

I believe it is important to choose your own path in life - no one else can tell you what to do. In this case, others have experienced more pain and are trying to save you from it. With what you said I tend to agree. But, only you can make the decision on whether or not to see him. From an objective point of view I wouldn't. If he is willing to seek therapy then it might change my mind but understand this is not a quick fix.

 

You can go through many years of heartbreak only to come to the same point you are at now - with deeper feelings, older, and passing by other guys who could have been a great match.

 

You have to decide if you want to run the risk of feeling even worse (after more time has passed) or draw a line in the sand and start your healing now. It will get better with time but you will never experience pain so severe - again, speaking from experience.

[EZNona]

I feel like if I don't at least take this chance that there may never be another one. I'm so torn.

 

That would be a good thing!

 

Girl, keep it moving....far far far away from him!!

 

Have you forgotten this from just 5 days ago:

 

""I've been thinking and I think I'm going to take a break. There's NO trust, or very little, and it's a stressful situation. It's stressing me out and taking a toll on me. You can block me or do whatever you need to. I'm probably going to delete my Facebook anyways. I hope you understand and know that I appreciate everything you've done for me"

 

and this GEM from 3/4 days ago:

Then he was kind of aggressive, saying how he has reasons not to trust me and named off the reasons. One of them was I paused my location on facebooks location finder one day and how he was stupid for believing in this relationship up to this point. Umm, I don't think you can pause the location thing on Facebook. My god, he's getting on my nerves now. Then he says that I can move on with my life since the way I'm talking sounds like I want to anyway, if I haven't moved on already. I haven't even said anything. Then he went on to say that he wants to trust me but that it's so hard and stressful. Then he ended it with "have a nice day"

 

And now he wants you to come watch movies on Saturday?? What kind of foolishness is this?? It's so obvious that from the moment of the breakup he wanted you to run to him and grovel at his feet. Well, you didn't, so now he wants to watch movies on Saturday like nothing ever happened.

 

You go over there Saturday and you'll be stuck in this miserable tug-of-war dance with him until YOU finally decide to break up with him for good because there is no way you're going to enjoy this type of relationship in the long-term.

[academicmoss]

Thanks for the replies. We texted each other today and it didn't go well. He deleted my number and has finally decided to end this chapter, he told me to delete his also. So, I will not be going over there nor will we be talking anymore. I'm sad but I had more anxiety thinking about going to his house rather than NOT going. So it worked itself out in the end.

[SevenCity]

I know you're sad now. But in time you'll realize this is the best thing for you.

 

I would not be surprised if he reached out again. In which case I would ignore him.

[academicmoss]

I'm pretty positive he won't reach out again. My nerves are torn all to hell right now. :'( *deeeeeeep breeeeeeeeeeath* lol

[basil67]

I'm pretty positive he won't reach out again. My nerves are torn all to hell right now. :'( *deeeeeeep breeeeeeeeeeath* lol

 

And it's going to hurt for a while yet. But if there's one positive which comes from this, it's that you have learned more about recognising red flags in a relationship.

 

I was once where you have been. The powerlessness one can feel when they are shut out is overwhelming. But I recovered. And I vowed "never again will I tolerate this behaviour" And this is why I can write about walking away with apparent ease. I hope that you too will be able to draw a line in the sand against inappropriate behaviour in future relationships.

[EZNona]

I'm pretty positive he won't reach out again. My nerves are torn all to hell right now. :'( *deeeeeeep breeeeeeeeeeath* lol

 

 

You're stronger than you realize!!

 

I'm sorry you are sad about the breakup. But once you feel better...go out and celebrate YOU. You're now free to find a better more healthy love. You definitely deserve that for yourself.

[spiderowl]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are having to choose between the devil and the deep blue sea. I know what it feels like. If they won't fix themselves though, then what else is there to do? Endless drama is just so emotionally exhausting.

[academicmoss]

Really emotional right now. The only thing keeping me from bawling my eyes out is the fact that my mascara burns like hell. :'(

 

I feel so alone. Hollow. The world is spinning but I'm stuck. Emotional pain is the worst.

[EZNona]

Really emotional right now. The only thing keeping me from bawling my eyes out is the fact that my mascara burns like hell. :'(

 

I feel so alone. Hollow. The world is spinning but I'm stuck. Emotional pain is the worst.

 

 

Breakups are the worse! But after some time has passed, you come out of it and wonder why you were upset for so long. Make sure to keep your mind distracted when it feels like it's getting to be too much. Go out with friends/family. When I'm emotional like that, I put on a movie that I know will make me laugh. It's hard to cry when you're laughing.

 

And by all means, continue to post here. We'll keep you company!

[Lovetoohard]

OP,

 

My heart goes out to you. Just got out of a relationship like that after a few months. The hot and cold behavior is enough to drive a completely rational and sane person to the edge of insanity. My ex would say and do the most loving and caring things and then, within an instant (literally within seconds or the next sentence), his words and actions were completely contradictory. To add to that, he's plagued with a ton of insecurities and baggage from his past relationships that he kept projecting onto our relationship. That sent our relationship into a tailspin. I still cannot completely grasp how one can flip flop and be so contradictory in their actions. Going from caring to cold and downright cruel over and over again can be really damaging to one's self worth. In my opinion, it's a form of emotional abuse. Keep in mind though that these are his issues, not yours. The only thing you can do is not subject yourself to this kind of behavior and draw some boundaries around what is acceptable going forward.

 

You will be fine. I was in pieces a couple of weeks ago but realized that my breakup was a blessing in disguise. I feel nothing but peace and relief now.

[SevenCity]

Really emotional right now. The only thing keeping me from bawling my eyes out is the fact that my mascara burns like hell. :'(

 

I feel so alone. Hollow. The world is spinning but I'm stuck. Emotional pain is the worst.

 

Don't hold it in. Let it all out. If you try to distract yourself you'll just end up delaying the pain further.

 

Be present with it and feel it. It's gonna suck for longer than you want but it will eventually pass.

 

I feel I'm at the half way point. I no longer cry about my ex but I do think about her everyday. I'm hoping in another 6 months I'll be back to normal.

 

It will come.