BF said he thinks he's going to take a break!

[Downtown]

Academic, welcome back. You are fortunate to have attracted the attention of Expat, who has given you excellent advice.

 

I am convinced he's bipolar.

Perhaps your BF is bipolar. That is not what you're describing here, however. Rather, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling behavior, inability to trust you, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your BF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD. I also caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your BF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot -- especially after you've been dating for 8 months -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

He had anger issues at times, getting mad over the most trivial things ever was.

Inappropriate, intense anger is strongly associated with BPD, not bipolar. Whereas the terms "anger" and "rage" appear in 3 of the 9 defining symptoms for BPD, those terms appear in NONE of the 9 defining symptoms for bipolar. The closest that those bipolar traits get to the term "rage" is the inclusion of "extreme irritability" as one of the 9 bipolar traits (see Bipolar Symptoms).

 

If your BF actually is a BPDer (i.e., has strong and persistent BPD traits), he carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

He has unexplainable mood swings at the most random times.

Both bipolar and BPD produce mood swings, but those swings occur on two very different spectra. Whereas bipolar moods swing between mania and depression, BPD moods typically swing between adoring you and devaluing you. Moreover, whereas bipolar moods typically take two weeks to develop, BPD moods will change in less than a minute -- usually in only ten seconds. The bipolar moods are slow to develop because they arise from slow chemical changes in the body.

 

In contrast, BPD mood changes occur nearly instantaneously because -- as I discussed above -- the anger is already there. It has been deep inside since early childhood. You therefore only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a sudden release of anger that the BPDer carries inside. This is why BPD mood changes are said to be "event triggered."

 

He's like this every now and then. Up and down. Hot and cold.

Like I said above, a BPDer swings between adoring you and devaluing you. Hence, a push-you-away and pull-you-back cycle is a hallmark of BPDer relationships. the position of the BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort him and assure him of your love, you will start triggering his engulfment fear, making him feel like he's being suffocated and controlled by you. Yet, as you back away to give him breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering his abandonment fear. And, sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

 

He thinks the craziest stuff and is convinced it's truth when it isn't.

This is true for both BPD and bipolar sufferers. Indeed, it is true for every adult on the planet. The human condition is that, whenever we experience intense feelings, our perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations becomes very distorted.

 

This distortion is so obvious that, by the time we are in high school, nearly all of us know that we cannot trust our own judgment when we are experiencing intense feelings. This is why, when we are very angry, we try hard to keep our mouths shut and our fingers off the keys.

 

And this is why, when we are very infatuated, we try hard to wait two years before buying the ring. Well, BPDers are like that too -- only much more so. Because BPDers are unable to regulate their emotions, they experience far more intense feelings -- and do so far more frequently.

 

He's struggling with what he "thinks" vs. reality. He'll get a thought in his head and he'll roll with it, and it pisses me off because sometimes it's like pulling teeth to convince him otherwise.

If he is a BPDer, his perception of physical reality is not distorted by his intense feelings. Rather, those feelings distort only his perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations, as I noted above. Because the feeling is so intense, he is convinced that it MUST be true. This is why a BPDer will produce one absurd rationalization after the other to justify an intense feeling. Like a young child, the BPDer is too immature to be able to intellectually challenge that feeling. The result is that he will accept it as a self-evident "fact."

 

Because that feeling is regarded as fact, your disproving his rationalization will not change anything. He will simply replace the first rationalization with a second absurd explanation. And, if you keep pushing him, he will replace the second rationalization with a third. If you are foolish enough to disprove the third explanation, he likely will start arguing the first rationalization all over again, as though you had never discussed it earlier. In this way, a BPDer's arguments quickly become circular because he is convinced that his underlying intense feeling MUST be true.

 

Right after we made love a week ago, we were lying in bed (still embraced) and he started talking about my ex husband. It led to a fight because he wouldn't believe anything I said.

If your BF is a BPDer, that is to be expected. With a BPDer, the very WORST fights usually will occur right after the very BEST moments you spend with him -- e.g., right after a very intimate hour in bed, after a great weekend, or in the middle of a great vacation spent out of town. The reason is that, although BPDers crave intimacy like nearly every other adult, they cannot tolerate it for very long before their fear of engulfment becomes triggered.

 

He admits that his past/childhood has made it hard to trust.

Whereas bipolar is believed to arise from an inherited body chemistry disorder, BPD is believed to be strongly associated with childhood environment. A recent large-scale study of BPDers found that 70% of them reported that they had been abused or abandoned by a parent during childhood. This is why the inability to trust is believed to be strongly associated with BPD, not with bipolar.

 

Importantly, if your BF is an untreated BPDer, it likely will be impossible to convince him to trust you for any extended period. A BPDer is filled with so much self loathing that, even if you convince him that you dearly love him TODAY, he will live in fear that you will abandon him as soon as you eventually discover how empty he is on the inside.

 

I think he's confused and living in a fantasy world of things that aren't even happening.

As I noted above, a BPDer typically will see the physical world just fine. That is, he knows that the TV news anchor is not speaking to him personally. And he knows that the plane flying overhead is not there to spy on him. Once a person has a distorted perception of the physical world, that person is said to be "crazy," "insane," or "psychotic." BPDers don't have that problem.

 

BPDers nonetheless do tend to live "in a fantasy world of things that aren't even happening," as you say. Because they are too immature to regulate their own emotions, BPDers oftentimes will avoid dealing with the stress of the present by escaping -- through daydreams -- into the past and future. This is why, when BPDers undergo CBT or DBT therapy, one of the very first emotional skills taught to them is how to be "mindful," i.e., how to stay in the present instead of escaping into daydreams of the past and future.

 

I don't know why he's so insecure. His ex put him down and anytime I compliment him he doesn't believe it.

If he is a BPDer, his insecurity likely has little or nothing to do with his Ex. Instead, it likely was firmly entrenched in his mind in early childhood.

 

He'll "ponder" on things and come up with these situations that haven't even happened.

This is called "rewriting history," another behavior that BPDers are notorious for. As I noted above, a BPDer experiences such intense feelings that he is convinced that what he is feeling AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME must be true. It therefore is common for a BPDer to be absolutely convinced that he never agreed to something he promised just three days earlier. The result is that you will hear such outrageous allegations coming out of a BPDer's mouth that you will marvel that a grown adult can keep a straight face while saying such absurd things. But he very likely believes every bit of it. And a week later, when he is claiming the exact opposite, he likely will believe that nonsense too.

 

I'm sure this man loves and cares about me.

If he were a full-blown narcissist or sociopath, he would be incapable of loving you. If he is a BPDer, however, he is capable of loving you very intensely. But it is type of intense love you receive from a young child. Although it is "real love," that love is too immature to be capable of sustaining a mature, adult relationship.

 

What do I do from here?

The distinction between BPD and bipolar is important because, whereas bipolar often can be treated quite successfully by swallowing a pill, BPD is extremely difficult to treat and medications will not make a dent in it. Hence, if you are still reluctant to leave your BF, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with.

 

I also suggest that you protect yourself by learning how to spot the warning signs for both disorders. An easy place to start reading is my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences, which is based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW).

 

If that description of BPD traits rings many bells, I would suggest you also check out my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Expat and the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your BF's issues. Only a professional can determine whether his BPD traits are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., avoid taking your BF back and avoid running into the arms of another man just like him. Take care, Academic.

[academicmoss]

I can't sleep.

 

I'm trying to reply to everyone in one post instead of breaking them up. It's weird because he never wanted me to block him. His ex blocked him and it drove him crazy. He told me in the past that if I really cared about him I wouldn't block him, that I'd want to at least remain friends. All of a sudden he blocks us like it was nothing. That just doesn't seem like him. He kept my brother but blocked me, my son and one of my closest girlfriend's that he wasn't too fond of. He texted me last night and said that it will be so much easier to not have to worry about what I'm doing or where I'm at. He said we had great times together, that he loves me, but that it's just too much for him. He's said those things before.

 

He's done this before, might I add. Never to the extent of blocking me. But he's taken these little breaks before where after some "crazy" episode he'd not talk for a day or so. Then after about 3 days he'd miss me. He actually blocked me this time. The longest we've not talked is about 3 days. The longest he's went without contacting me is 1.5 days. I don't see how he's suddenly got balls. Everyone seems to think this is another dramatic episode where in a few days he'll tell me he loves and misses me so much, and this and that, and that he'll get back with me if I pretty much meet his demands. Do it on his terms.

 

See, if this had been a terrible relationship it would be easier to walk with no problem. But we had a good relationship when he was in his right mind. I could tell he loved me by his actions. He was always honest with me, he made me his best friend, he made me a priority, he put me first, if something or someone was bothering me, he took care of it. He cooked for me, ran me bubble baths after I got off work, gave me full body massages. He wanted to do things together and grow close to me, but then his mind would spiral out of control. This, blocking me like it's nothing, I don't understand. I told him I wouldn't be here in a month and that within the next few days if he doesn't get his head out of his ass, that I'm changing my number and that'll be that. And I DO mean it. I will let go if I need to. He told me a week ago that he would see somebody, that it wouldn't hurt. I told him we'd both go. He said to get us an appointment. But, it didn't make it that far.

 

He texted me last night telling me I'm more than welcome at his house at anytime. That I can come over anytime I want to. He knows I have his house key, I brought it up just to make sure, and he didn't even ask for it back. Last time he had an episode, he said he didn't want a key to his house just wandering around out there and said to leave it under his trashcan. This time, he wants me to keep it. Something doesn't add up here. His mind must be one very active place.

 

When we first got together I'd saw some text messages to the girl he messed around with, for about 3 months or so, before me where he was accusing her of doing drugs and how he walked in and saw her with some guy on the couch. He had trust issues before he got with me. I saw in the texts where she begged for him back and said she was pregnant with his baby, she wasn't, she'd been fixed. The relationship seemed like drama and it's obvious that he can't seem to trust anybody. He was right about her, though. He's WRONG about me. A part of him admits that he trusts me some, but it seems like a daily struggle for him. I told him last night that this will follow him to the next girl. It doesn't matter who he gets with, that he'll not trust her.

 

It hurts me because he needs a good woman in his life. He needs someone to actually care about him and take care of him and he's going to end up getting screwed over. I don't want him hurt, regardless of what I'm going through. Other girls will take advantage of him and treat him like dirt. They did before me. I know, for a fact, this is the first man I've ever truly loved and cared about. I wish he'd open his eyes and let me love him.

[basil67]

He doesn't need a good woman in his life. A good woman can't fix him. A good woman isn't the therapist he so clearly needs. Frankly, a woman with a decent amount of self esteem wouldn't put up with his lack of trust, shocking communication and lack of attention to what appears to be mental health issues.

 

I'm so glad to hear that you're not waiting for him. But if he does come back soon, don't accept him until he's started therapy and can demonstrate progress. You can't fix him with love and support, but you do have the power to insist on him seeking therapy if he wants to be with you. There is a place for 'tough love'

Edited February 13, 2017 by basil67

[academicmoss]

Even though I'm hurting so bad, I'm more concerned about what he's going through. I don't want him hurting or being sad. Just the thought of him moving on to somebody else and her cheating or lying, or mistreating him, makes me sick. That feeling is worse than the actual breakup. He has the most beautiful smile.

 

I'm not contacting him again. I'm leaving him be. As painful as this is for me, I want him to be happy. :'(

[ExpatInItaly]

You can't fix this, OP. He doesn't just need a good partner to take care of him, because it won't even begin to address his deeper issues that plague him. A person with that many emotional problems is always going to find fault and push his partner away, no matter how much she loves him. If he actually is suffering some from some sort of mental illness, you have to start accepting that you can't "love" away his problems.

 

I used to wonder the same about my ex. I thought if I were just better than his exes (whom he claim cheated, but which I later found out was not true) and stable and good to him, he'd stay. Fat chance. He couldn't handle the level of closeness an intimate relationship requires, so he kept inventing reasons to bail. Your ex has been doing the same.

 

These dark sides and breaks are part of who he is. You keep saying when he was in "his right mind," things were great. But what you're going to have to realize is that this side of him is equally him too. Between the bubble baths and massages are his fears and impulse to run away. That's all part of the same package. If you were to stay, that's what you're signing up for. The extreme highs and very low lows. You're not going to get one without the other.

 

Frankly, he sounds controlling as well. He wants to be the one in the driver's seat, hence why it drove him insane when his ex blocked him. He's got no problem when he's the one doing it to other people, but when someone turns the tables on him, he gets upset. My ex played games like that too.

 

I actually do understand why you are worried about him. Crazy as it sounds, I get it. I used to worry about my ex like that too. Here I was worrying some other woman wouldn't treat him the way I did. But then I thought - is he worried how another man might treat me? Nope. He's a grown-ass man and your ex is too. My ex did get cheated on by the next woman, ironically - and he still went ahead and married her anyway! (We have mutual friends, hence why I heard this) Chaos attracts chaos. There's something in him that thrives on dysfunction, and I sense you ex is the same. All that worrying I did was futile. My ex is still standing and moving though life. Yours will be fine too. You need to get your thoughts away from the Florence Nightingale impulse to mend him, and focus instead on how he's treated you.

 

You're doing the right thing not contacting him. I know how hard it is. Your story is so familiar to me. But I promise if you let go of this dysfunction, you will make room in your heart and mind for someone much more deserving. I have a lovely partner now who is emotionally healthy and wants to be in a relationship. Not once has he called time out. But our exes' brand of chaos? That isn't the life you want. And I know it's not the life you want your son to his mom leading. Model for him what a healthy relationship looks like. He deserves to have a happy mom, and I am sure if he knew how your ex has treated you, he'd want no part of him either.

Edited February 13, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[Tribble]

I understand how you're feeling. Like most people here, I had a similar experience with an ex and I stayed a lot longer than I should have. I was head over heels for him and he loved me, in his own way. The problem is, people need to be capable off receiving love. My ex wasn't and it sounds like your ex isn't either. Make no mistake, he is your ex. You're thinking about him, what he's thinking, how he's hurting. But you need to think of you. He's hurt you. He's disappeared and is expecting you to wait around until he decides whether or not you're the one for him. He has no respect for you. He expects you to be there waiting for him and ready to pick up again.

 

He may be a good man. His behaviour is horrid to you but that doesn't make him evil. But he isn't a suitable partner for you right now. The best thing to do is go NC. Maybe losing you will make him realise he needs to make changes that will improve his life and relationships going forward.

[spiderowl]

Even though I'm hurting so bad, I'm more concerned about what he's going through. I don't want him hurting or being sad. Just the thought of him moving on to somebody else and her cheating or lying, or mistreating him, makes me sick. That feeling is worse than the actual breakup. He has the most beautiful smile.

 

I'm not contacting him again. I'm leaving him be. As painful as this is for me, I want him to be happy. :'(

 

If he's hurting and being sad OP, it is his own stupid fault! He is making choices here and they are hurting you. You deserve better. It is not your problem that he has trust issues. You have not given him cause for concern on that front so it really is not the problem. He has chosen to leave and he should take full responsibility for that. Actually, I feel pretty angry myself just reading what you've put. It is so thoughtless of him to suggest that you might want to 'drop in' when he is treating you like this. The guy does not deserve you and the sooner he realises you won't put up with this messing about, the better.

[academicmoss]

He texted me last night and told me to tell my son that he's going through some stuff and is taking some time away.

 

Why would he not ask for his key back? And why would he leave me an open invitation to come over if he's taking a break. Unless this is part of his plan or something. I have no idea. I'm a mess today but I'm not breaking contact.

[spiderowl]

He probably thinks that all will be fine, that he can have his little 'holiday' and then you will come back to him when he's ready. He's leaving you the key so you can do that. Why should you lie to your son about it, just because this guy says so? Who is he to tell you to launder the truth?

 

I imagine you really want him back and so will be afraid to cut of your options with him. Bear in mind that option is to be treated with disrespect. Sometimes people need to know they have pushed things too far because they are the kind of person who will do that - push and push to see what they can get away with. You might lose him if you put your foot down and told he him can go and take a running jump, but even if you did, he would have to respect you. Respect is better than nothing!

[ExpatInItaly]

He texted me last night and told me to tell my son that he's going through some stuff and is taking some time away.

 

Why would he not ask for his key back? And why would he leave me an open invitation to come over if he's taking a break. Unless this is part of his plan or something. I have no idea. I'm a mess today but I'm not breaking contact.

 

To keep you hooked in case he decides he's lonely and wants you back. This isn't a good thing. It's a sign of someone who will play with your heart and expects you to hang around for him.

[elaine567]

To keep you hooked in case he decides he's lonely and wants you back. This isn't a good thing. It's a sign of someone who will play with your heart and expects you to hang around for him.

 

or for sex...

[academicmoss]

I would be lying if I said I'm not hoping for a reconciliation, but I'm currently in NC mode and am not going to reach out to him no matter what. I'm giving him his break because I know myself enough that if he tries coming back after a month, I'll have reached indifference by then and won't take him back. I'm pretty confident that I won't hear from him again, though.

 

But it hurts and it hurts bad. The pain is at times almost unbearable. I've cried, cried and cried, but tears are still flowing. It's like time is moving in slow motion. Everything reminds me of him. I'm thinking about him constantly. We talked every day. The longest he went without some type of contact was 1.5 days. We talked about everything. So how he is doing so well and not missing my conversation is beyond me. I was his emotional support system. This blows!!

[academicmoss]

I'm sitting here thinking about the key and how at some point he'll have to reach out to ask for it back. I don't see him just letting me keep it. He just got a new house and I'm the only person he's allowed inside. And he will not want his key just hanging around somewhere.

 

Also, I don't think he'll hit me up for sex. He's very attractive and was flirting with several women when we first met. He got rid of all of them when we got together. But the point is, he could get sex if he wanted it. He's an attractive, charming man.

[Redhead14]

My bf and I have been together for 7.5 months. When we're good, we're amazing. When we're bad we get pretty heated. But, my bad times with my bf are better than my good times ever were with my ex. My bf and I click, we just have a connection. He's said so himself. In fact, he recently told me, last week, that we have a bond he isn't sure he'd ever find with anyone else. I agree. He's talked about marriage and kids in the distant future, which is something he doesn't talk about. 6 days ago he messaged me this "You are so much fun to be around. I am truly blessed to have you as my friend and partner in this life. I love you so much. YOU are the one for me". Great, huh? Now here's the problem....

 

We both have trust and insecurity issues. I think my bf is bipolar, also. He says he isn't but when I offered to pay for his meds if he needed some he said he wasn't walking around like a zombie. So, he may know he has issues. He admits that his past/childhood has made it hard to trust. The girls before me cheated/lied to him so he naturally assumes I'm doing it too. He's never caught me in a lie, nor anything that would jeopardize our relationship, which is why I think he's so confused. He's struggling with what he "thinks" vs. reality. He'll get a thought in his head and he'll roll with it, and it pisses me off because sometimes it's like pulling teeth to convince him otherwise. Anyway, due to these issues we fight, more times than not now.

 

He messaged me yesterday and said this (6 days after telling me I'm the one, let's not forget).. "I've been thinking and I think I'm going to take a break. There's NO trust, or very little, and it's a stressful situation. It's stressing me out and taking a toll on me. You can block me or do whatever you need to. I'm probably going to delete my Facebook anyways. I hope you understand and know that I appreciate everything you've done for me". He would hate if I blocked him. He's admitted that before so I know he said that as reverse psychology, in hopes I really wouldn't. I basically messaged him back telling him he's causing the stress from the thoughts in his head. Out of frustration I accused him of having another girl and he said "nope, no girl has my attention. We're just two adults talking about our relationship". In our time together he'd never betrayed me and hardly ever even talked to another girl. If there was one on fb or wherever that he thought would be an issue, he willingly blocked/deleted her. He was pretty honest with me too, sometimes telling me things that I would've rather not heard.

 

I don't think he was cheating and I don't necessarily think this is about another girl. I think he's confused and living in a fantasy world of things that aren't even happening. I could really use some advice because other than this bullcrap, we were great together. I chose not to block him on Facebook, but I have logged out in the meantime. This isn't the first time he's acted this way either. He's like this every now and then. Up and down. Hot and cold. Right after we made love a week ago, we were lying in bed (still embraced) and he started talking about my ex husband. It led to a fight because he wouldn't believe anything I said. He'll "ponder" on things and come up with these situations that haven't even happened.

 

What do I do from here? We haven't spoken since the little chat yesterday. I logged out of Facebook/messenger to avoid the situation. But, can someone please tell me what the heck is going on here? I'm sure this man loves and cares about me. He treated me like a queen except for when his mind would go off on a tangent. The guy is beautiful. I don't know why he's so insecure. His ex put him down and anytime I compliment him he doesn't believe it. He's the only man I've ever met when you compliment the size of his manhood, he insists you're lying because his ex told him the opposite. Am I fighting a losing battle??

 

This really pisses me off. I want to just grab him, and shake some sense into him for being so stupid and ruining what was an otherwise AMAZING relationship.

 

Edit: let me note that I still have a key to his place and as of now he hasn't asked for it back. I still have some of my stuff at his place which he hasn't told me to get. His relationship status on Facebook is the same. Yet, depending on what craziness is going through his mind, all of this could change at any moment.

 

He's putting YOU on hold while he decides what happens with YOUR life and his. If he's truly considering the relationship and the future, you should be included in discussions about that not cut you out. If he truly wants a "break", you tell him you want a date for when the break is over and at that time you will meet and talk.

 

Otherwise, tell him there is no break, just a break up and not to bother contacting you or your son again.

 

This is one reason that children should not be brought into the scenario until the relationship has real legs and plans for the future are in place as a couple.

 

If he is truly considering the relationship and perhaps maybe considering engagement, just let this go for a bit. Do not pull on him or reach out in any way. It's a big step so there may be some hesitation for a bit.

 

When someone tells me or shows me that they need space though, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when/if they figure out what their problem is. And, if they take too long, they may find that they don't have a place to land their aircraft.

[Purepony]

He texted me last night and told me to tell my son that he's going through some stuff and is taking some time away.

 

Why would he not ask for his key back? And why would he leave me an open invitation to come over if he's taking a break. Unless this is part of his plan or something. I have no idea. I'm a mess today but I'm not breaking contact.

 

 

I don't understand why your sitting here wondering why and trying to solve a pointless crime with no answer

 

The guys not into you anymore

Not because he's bipolar not because he's stressed but because he's done

I've been there and so have most people and there's no scientific explanation or anything there just done

[academicmoss]

I don't understand why your sitting here wondering why and trying to solve a pointless crime with no answer

 

The guys not into you anymore

Not because he's bipolar not because he's stressed but because he's done

I've been there and so have most people and there's no scientific explanation or anything there just done

 

He's done, but left me with his house key? Plus, how can a man say one minute he's happy, and she's the one for him, and be completely over it the next minute. God, what has happened to this world. I am NOT like that.

[academicmoss]

that someone might want a break to actually take a step back and clear their head? To take a breather from fighting with their SO all the time, and NOT because they want to jump in the sack with somebody else?? I've read so many posts that suggest most people take a break to boink someone else. There was a time where I'd thought of taking a break, just to keep from fighting, a few days of rest if you will, with absolutely 0 interest in another man. So can't men ever be the same??

 

I'm on here grieving my relationship and seeing so many posts about "dumpers/breakers" being with someone else just makes me feel worse. It sickens me. All of this is painful enough. This sucks so bad. I've been in NC for 22 hours.

[dumbass2]

He's done, but left me with his house key? Plus, how can a man say one minute he's happy, and she's the one for him, and be completely over it the next minute. God, what has happened to this world. I am NOT like that.

 

Because he wasn't happy. People put on a front all the time and start easing themselves out of the relationship. Happens a ton. Just read it all on this forum. When they think they've found someone better, they want to give them a test drive and that is where "breaks" or "space" come into to play. He is keeping you around as a back up. He knows how you feel and that he feels secure that you will wait around. He'll never learn if you keep going back as you have done in the past as you said this isn't the first time. It may be a little different, but it's the same. How long do you put up with this? You haven't had a happy relationship. You couldn't with so many breaks and off and on's. It's good when he's in his right mind but that is not consistent enough. YOU need to think of yourself and your sanity.

 

Address an envelope and put the key in the mail to him sent priority with tracking number with a little note that says that you can't do this any more.

[Downtown]

How can a man say one minute he's happy, and she's the one for him, and be completely over it the next minute?

Academic, I explain how that can happen in post #26 above. As I discuss there, you're describing many classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Like very young children, BPDers typically can flip from adoring you to devaluing you (even hating you) in just ten seconds. And then a week or a month later, they can flip back just as quickly. This all-or-nothing thinking process is called "splitting" and "black-white thinking."

[academicmoss]

Academic, I explain how that can happen in post #26 above. As I discuss there, you're describing many classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Like very young children, BPDers typically can flip from adoring you to devaluing you (even hating you) in just ten seconds. And then a week or a month later, they can flip back just as quickly. This all-or-nothing thinking process is called "splitting" and "black-white thinking."

 

Thanks so much, Downtown!! I don't know anything about it and thought bpd was bipolar. I'm glad you clarified that for me. I knew he had something going on. And especially where you said it's usually after a good time together. That's true. Alot of times after we'd be doing great, he'd flip and start a fight. I'd ask him why is he sabotaging the relationship and he'd say he isn't.

 

I have no idea how I missed your earlier post. I guses it's because I'm so distraught.

[carriepalmer]

I totally agree with you basil. From what you have said, he will in future also continue like this, being his basic nature.

Having said that trust and insecurity feelings can be easily solved through dialogues . Keep yourself open and flexible for any decision which may come your way. relationships succeed with mutual trust and the clicking factor you found doesn't seem to satisfy your partner.

Breakups are difficult, easier said than done, but learning from our mistakes will spare us pain in future. Most highly associated variable with distress at the time of breakup is non-mutuality in alternatives. Though you might have well wishers surrounding you, comforting and persuading you move ahead in life brain research suggests it is something very difficult for them. Would like to help you with few simple tips to cope with the breakup impact How To Cope With A Breakup | Bespoke Matchmaking . Be mindful not to waste yourself. Don't jump into decisions, take your own time. Always believe that everything happens for good. Best wishes.

[academicmoss]

I had a moment of weakness and looked him up on Facebook under one of my other accounts. I wish I hadn't of. He hasn't posted anything new. The only thing I noticed was his "followers" went from 38 down to 33, which doesn't really mean anything I know. Besides, he still has my brother on there so if he saw anything going on he'd tell me. I fixed it so that I won't be able to look anymore.

 

This is so hard. I constantly think about him, what he's doing, where he's at. I don't know what he's feeling but it hurts so much to think he's just going on with his life like I never mattered. The issues he was having will just follow him onto the next one. He's even said that himself. This pain is terrible. I'd rather someone just beat me and then let me go as opposed to the emotional pain. It's like everywhere I turn people are saying "breaks" mean they left to go **** someone else. He's not a random hookup kind of man. He would at least talk to her for awhile before he slept with her. My heart is in pieces. And it's Valentine's Day and that's making me anxious because he always messaged me on holidays, even if he was mad, to wish me a happy whatever. He'd use them as a way of starting up a conversation again. But the fact that he blocked me might mean I'll never hear from him again. What do we do if they reach out to us today?

 

My mind is overwhelmed. I feel so alone and lost.

[academicmoss]

I sleep for about 30 minutes and then wake up so sad and lonely. It's like the breakup hits me all over again once I've came to. It comes in waves. One minute I'm okay, telling myself I'll be fine, and then the next I feel like my entire world has ended. How do we make the pain go away. How can we forget them? I want to wipe him from my memories. :'(

[ExpatInItaly]

I had a moment of weakness and looked him up on Facebook under one of my other accounts. I wish I hadn't of. He hasn't posted anything new. The only thing I noticed was his "followers" went from 38 down to 33, which doesn't really mean anything I know. Besides, he still has my brother on there so if he saw anything going on he'd tell me. I fixed it so that I won't be able to look anymore.

 

This is so hard. I constantly think about him, what he's doing, where he's at. I don't know what he's feeling but it hurts so much to think he's just going on with his life like I never mattered. The issues he was having will just follow him onto the next one. He's even said that himself. This pain is terrible. I'd rather someone just beat me and then let me go as opposed to the emotional pain. It's like everywhere I turn people are saying "breaks" mean they left to go **** someone else. He's not a random hookup kind of man. He would at least talk to her for awhile before he slept with her. My heart is in pieces. And it's Valentine's Day and that's making me anxious because he always messaged me on holidays, even if he was mad, to wish me a happy whatever. He'd use them as a way of starting up a conversation again. But the fact that he blocked me might mean I'll never hear from him again. What do we do if they reach out to us today?

 

My mind is overwhelmed. I feel so alone and lost.

 

You need to stop thinking about what he might or might not be doing now that he's taken space from you. I know it's hard not to, but you'll drive yourself insane.

 

If he reaches out with a Valentine's Day message, I would strongly advise you not to respond. He doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too. He wanted to be alone so he can take his Valentine and stuff it, if he is ballsy enough to reach out today.

 

I would also make sure your brother or other family members don't report back to you on his online activity. Keep in mind he can filter what they see, anyway. It won't help you.

 

I feel for you, OP. I have been exactly where you are. I can only tell you, it doesn't get better. In fact, it would probably get worse. The closer the relationship becomes, the more people like him act out...in my experience, anyway.

 

This will take time. You have to remember this is not about you. This is about his own problems and how he handles him. He's just showed you he's not someone you can count on for a healthy and solid relationship.

[academicmoss]

You need to stop thinking about what he might or might not be doing now that he's taken space from you. I know it's hard not to, but you'll drive yourself insane.

 

If he reaches out with a Valentine's Day message, I would strongly advise you not to respond. He doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too. He wanted to be alone so he can take his Valentine and stuff it, if he is ballsy enough to reach out today.

 

I would also make sure your brother or other family members don't report back to you on his online activity. Keep in mind he can filter what they see, anyway. It won't help you.

 

I feel for you, OP. I have been exactly where you are. I can only tell you, it doesn't get better. In fact, it would probably get worse. The closer the relationship becomes, the more people like him act out...in my experience, anyway.

 

This will take time. You have to remember this is not about you. This is about his own problems and how he handles him. He's just showed you he's not someone you can count on for a healthy and solid relationship.

 

In your experience, do you think he's finished or that he'll take this break and try coming back? I truly don't think this is about another woman, I really believe he's struggling with stuff. He was struggling with his religion (he's a Christian), his life. He was definitely going through a hard time and the relationship was taking a toll on him. It was causing drama and stress. Do you think I'll ever hear from him again?