BF said he thinks he's going to take a break!

[ExpatInItaly]

In your experience, do you think he's finished or that he'll take this break and try coming back? I truly don't think this is about another woman, I really believe he's struggling with stuff. He was struggling with his religion (he's a Christian), his life. He was definitely going through a hard time and the relationship was taking a toll on him. It was causing drama and stress. Do you think I'll ever hear from him again?

 

Yes, in my experience, he will come back. But - this cycle will repeat itself. And it will tear you further and further down. If you're not careful, you will get hooked back in and it will only be a matter of time until he bails and needs space from you once again. It was only after my ex had done this a couple of times and convinced himself that he couldn't trust me (when I had given him absolutely no reason to mistrust me) that he gave himself permission to start seeing other women at the same time. I found this out later, after I finally left him. In his mind, this was justified because he had told himself over and over that I wasn't trustworthy. That was the period in which he met the woman he's now married to. I found out they'd started chatting online around the same time he pushed me away for the last time. I was ending it anyway, and I didn't yet know he'd been talking to someone else. And I was relieved when I heard he was going to be someone else's problem! Seriously. That's the point of detachment I reached with him. I was very, very over it.

 

I heard from my him even after he'd met his now-wife. He was still trying to get me to meet up with him, to let him bring me breakfast and so on. I finally blocked him. I had started dating my current boyfriend, and didn't want him interfering, and I also felt bad that his then-girlfriend probably had no idea who I was (he had apparently told her I was an "old friend" when she questioned why he was contacting me) or what he was up to.

 

Believe me, this isn't someone you will have a stable relationship with. You will more than likely get the rug ripped out from under you a few times. I have a feeling you'll go back anyway but you will probably in time get so tired of it and hurt that you will be over him, too.

[academicmoss]

Yes, in my experience, he will come back. But - this cycle will repeat itself. And it will tear you further and further down. If you're not careful, you will get hooked back in and it will only be a matter of time until he bails and needs space from you once again. It was only after my ex had done this a couple of times and convinced himself that he couldn't trust me (when I had given him absolutely no reason to mistrust me) that he gave himself permission to start seeing other women at the same time. I found this out later, after I finally left him. In his mind, this was justified because he had told himself over and over that I wasn't trustworthy. That was the period in which he met the woman he's now married to. I found out they'd started chatting online around the same time he pushed me away for the last time. I was ending it anyway, and I didn't yet know he'd been talking to someone else. And I was relieved when I heard he was going to be someone else's problem! Seriously. That's the point of detachment I reached with him. I was very, very over it.

 

I heard from my him even after he'd met his now-wife. He was still trying to get me to meet up with him, to let him bring me breakfast and so on. I finally blocked him. I had started dating my current boyfriend, and didn't want him interfering, and I also felt bad that his then-girlfriend probably had no idea who I was (he had apparently told her I was an "old friend" when she questioned why he was contacting me) or what he was up to.

 

Believe me, this isn't someone you will have a stable relationship with. You will more than likely get the rug ripped out from under you a few times. I have a feeling you'll go back anyway but you will probably in time get so tired of it and hurt that you will be over him, too.

 

That's the thing, I probably would take him back and see if we could work it out, but that's because I'm still in love with him. And he wold have to come to me, I'm not reaching out to him. You said yourself that it took a couple of times before you got sick of it and walked away. Had you of asked for advice that first time, they would've told you what you're telling me, but because we're in love we long for another chance to make it right. If I was at a point of indifference I would see it from your pov and it would be much easier, but it's hard when it's new and you're still in love. I wish I could just close my eyes and forget

[academicmoss]

He just texted me. It was 3 texts. The first one was a screenshot of a car he saw for sale on Craigslist, he took the screenshot at 4:30 this morning but didn't send it until just now. He sent a different screenshot of the post that he just now took before sending them to me. So he must've been thinking about me at 4:30 this morning and now.

 

Then the 3rd text said this "Hey there I just wanted to let you know that these heaters only work when they want too.. so watch buying stuff off of Facebook"... I bought 2 heaters for him on a Facebook yardsale site last week for 20 bucks and we ran them on and off for a couple of days before he decided to take a break. I knew the heaters weren't perfect but that they ran. He texted to let me know that? He could've just sent the car pictures, but to add actual words about the heaters. I don't get it!

Edited February 14, 2017 by academicmoss

[academicmoss]

He just texted me. It was 3 texts. The first one was a screenshot of a car he saw for sale on Craigslist, he took the screenshot at 4:30 this morning but didn't send it until just now. He sent a different screenshot of the post that he just now took before sending them to me. So he must've been thinking about me at 4:30 this morning and now.

 

Then the 3rd text said this "Hey there I just wanted to let you know that these heaters only work when they want too.. so watch buying stuff off of Facebook"... I bought 2 heaters for him on a Facebook yardsale site last week for 20 bucks and we ran them on and off for a couple of days before he decided to take a break. I knew the heaters weren't perfect but that they ran. He texted to let me know that? He could've just sent the car pictures, but to add actual words about the heaters. I don't get it!

 

I never did reply but I'm kind of hurt that he didn't even wish me a happy vday. That was all he sent, the screenshots and that text about the heaters. He chose to text me today but couldn't even wish me one. That hurts! I hate men!!

[Zahara]

I never did reply but I'm kind of hurt that he didn't even wish me a happy vday. That was all he sent, the screenshots and that text about the heaters. He chose to text me today but couldn't even wish me one. That hurts! I hate men!!

 

He didn't wish you because V day signifies love, attachment, etc. Wishing you would give you indication that you both are still together emotionally or likely give you hope. I don'tr think he wants to plant that seed in your head.

 

This was just a crumb to see if you're still there.

[academicmoss]

He didn't wish you because V day signifies love, attachment, etc. Wishing you would give you indication that you both are still together emotionally or likely give you hope. I don'tr think he wants to plant that seed in your head.

 

This was just a crumb to see if you're still there.

 

So what's the best thing to do if you hope for a reconciliation? Should I just ignore him altogether? And if so, what can I ever reply to? If he didn't want to plant the seed in my head, why would he even text me at all? To see if I'm still here for what???

[Zahara]

So what's the best thing to do if you hope for a reconciliation? Should I just ignore him altogether? And if so, what can I ever reply to? If he didn't want to plant the seed in my head, why would he even text me at all? To see if I'm still here for what???

 

First, understand that even if there was reconciliation, you will likely go through the pattern again. This is not an issue that is as simple as learning to put the toilet seat down. These are ingrained, deep seated traits that will emerge again. So, focus on the big picture, rather than be driven blindly by your emotions. That's a very narrowed view on what you deserve in your life.

 

Ignore him. He can't offer you anything but instability. Again, this is just a stop around a very dysfunctional cycle.

 

He texted you to see if you are still there. This is what these types do. They don't want to be with you but they still need you as a crutch. For attention, for an ego boost, for a fallback, etc.

Edited February 14, 2017 by Zahara

[ExpatInItaly]

So what's the best thing to do if you hope for a reconciliation? Should I just ignore him altogether? And if so, what can I ever reply to? If he didn't want to plant the seed in my head, why would he even text me at all? To see if I'm still here for what???

 

OP, you need to be asking yourself why you want to reconcile. I realize this is rhetorical, because I know you're in love with him and not ready to let go, but what is it you want to go back to? What does he offer you that you feel another man can't? Because it's not stability or mutual trust. It's not a largely peaceful and harmonious situation. Those are things he either isn't able or isn't willing to give you.

 

He wants to see if you're still there to validate himself. I can't tell you how many times my ex sent the same random messages after he picked a fight. I'd get a message about his roof leaking, or his sister passing an exam, or that his stomach hurt...like nothing had ever happened, like he hadn't been flying off the handle 24 hours before. It was his way of testing the water and seeing if I'd respond, and by extension, maybe be open to letting him back into my life, when he wanted. It is a type of manipulation.

 

He didn't wish you a Happy V-Day, I imagine, because he wants you to know where your position is. He's sending the indirect message that you're not his "valentine"; that's not where you two are right now. My ex once dis-invited me to a wedding he'd asked me to attend, literally days before the event. He'd gotten upset about something, though I can't recall now what it was...I was hurt but more annoyed because I was getting seriously tired of his BS. And on that day, guess who sent me a selfie, all dressed up and alone in the crowd, like he was butt-hurt I wasn't there? I didn't respond. He got upset about that too. It almost became a farce.

 

My point in relaying all these anecdotes is to warn you about the brand of chaos you're signing up for if you go back. No two people are the same, obviously. And of course I cannot say definitively that your ex even suffers from a mental illness, but the type of relationship you had and the break you are having are all so eerily similar to my own experiences. If I didn't know that my ex is married and doesn't really speak English, I would seriously wonder if you were dating him.

 

Please, consider what I and others have shared with you. You need to protect your well-being and also your son's. It's not good for him to have a man in and out of your and his life like this. This won't be the last time he breaks your heart.

[basil67]

that someone might want a break to actually take a step back and clear their head? To take a breather from fighting with their SO all the time, and NOT because they want to jump in the sack with somebody else?? I've read so many posts that suggest most people take a break to boink someone else. There was a time where I'd thought of taking a break, just to keep from fighting, a few days of rest if you will, with absolutely 0 interest in another man. So can't men ever be the same??

 

I'm on here grieving my relationship and seeing so many posts about "dumpers/breakers" being with someone else just makes me feel worse. It sickens me. All of this is painful enough. This sucks so bad. I've been in NC for 22 hours.

 

Yes, it's entirely possible that someone may want to take a break to step back and clear their head because of lots of fighting. However, just because someone wants to do that, doesn't make it the right choice.

 

First, if there's so much fighting that a person needs a break, then the relationship is clearly broken. Taking a break won't solve any of the issues within the relationship. They should either be fixing the issues causing the fighting or ending it.

 

Second, you've got one person in the relationship making a unilateral decision which can have a devastating impact on the person left behind. (As you well know) The person taking the break is being incredibly selfish and the person left behind is floundering in confusion.

 

Third, imagine being married in this situation. Or with children and having a partner just go AWOL.

 

No matter how you look at it, going AWOL during a relationship is not OK.

[academicmoss]

He just texted me the longest, random, text message ever. He started off by saying sorry for accidentally calling me. Then he was kind of aggressive, saying how he has reasons not to trust me and named off the reasons. One of them was I paused my location on facebooks location finder one day and how he was stupid for believing in this relationship up to this point. Umm, I don't think you can pause the location thing on Facebook. My god, he's getting on my nerves now. Then he says that I can move on with my life since the way I'm talking sounds like I want to anyway, if I haven't moved on already. I haven't even said anything. Then he went on to say that he wants to trust me but that it's so hard and stressful. Then he ended it with "have a nice day".....

 

Omg, that right there is what I deal with. I haven't even texted him since Sunday. I know for certain he needs help.

[academicmoss]

He made me so mad that I replied. I kind of went off and unleashed my anger. When he wasn't like that, he was close to perfect, but these moments, were like night and day. After he sent that to me, I feel different. I feel like I need to move on and let someone else deal with the drama. It's frustrating trying to convince somebody and I don't want to spend my life in torment.

[basil67]

I feel like I need to move on and let someone else deal with the drama.

 

Good for you. This is the place you need to be right now. As awful as they are, I'm glad he's sending these weird texts - use them as the catalyst to create the anger required to move on.

 

Repeat after me: "I deserve better than this"

[ExpatInItaly]

He made me so mad that I replied. I kind of went off and unleashed my anger. When he wasn't like that, he was close to perfect, but these moments, were like night and day. After he sent that to me, I feel different. I feel like I need to move on and let someone else deal with the drama. It's frustrating trying to convince somebody and I don't want to spend my life in torment.

 

Again, it is like we dated the same person. My ex used nearly the exact same words with me (that he was "stupid" to trust me, etc etc) That idolizing-devaluing cycle doesn't get better and I am glad you had this moment to realize that. This is who he is. No, it doesn't make sense. And it never will.

 

I applaud you for not going back. It would only mean more heartbreak for you if you did.

[academicmoss]

I wish now that I had of kept my cool and not replied. I pretty much went off and just told him what I thought. He never replied. He probably knows better. Plus, he made a comment that I want to move on with my life and how I've "probably already moved on". I didn't say anything in regards to that because I assumed he was fishing. He said he was stupid for believing in this relationship up to this point, and how he's just trying to figure things out. He said he was so stressed and that he needed a break. I'd say he is stressed. It appears his mind is a very crazy place. I'm so frustrated. I wish I'd stayed calm and just went to bed and let him have his fit but he makes me SO angry.

[ExpatInItaly]

I completely understand that anger. I became very angry on a couple of occasions too. I was tired of being accused of things I didn't do and being made to feel like a villain. You're human, OP. Don't beat yourself up too much for reacting.

 

It is so important that you're seeing this side of him. It will certainly help you detach and move on. That is what ultimately drove me away from my ex, and kept me away. The good bits just weren't sufficient in light of the emotional turmoil I had gone through and I knew it would continue.

 

I am so glad it's not my problem anymore. I am in a much happier and calmer place. I can guarantee he isn't. And I thank my lucky stars I finally had the guts to leave it all behind me.

[ExpatInItaly]

I just wanted to add - I actually ran into another ex of his by pure chance while out with some mutual friends one night. My ex had told me how awful she was, how she broke his trust and cheated and so on. She and I got to talking.

 

It turned out, none of it was true. He thought it was, but she went through the same maddening cycle of him looking for reasons not to trust her and claiming she was dating others. She did the same things we did - tried to assure him she would never do that, that she was honest and loyal. And he wouldn't listen to any of it. She told me that he said the same things about his ex before her, too.

 

My point is that while it may be true that your ex's previous relationships were tainted by infidelity, it also might well be a product of his own paranoid thoughts. He is the common denominator, and you can see how he listens to his fears as though they are the truth. Like my ex, he might well go on to tell the next woman how untrustworthy you were. (in his mind)

 

It is a frustratingly crazy cycle.

[academicmoss]

Then how on earth is your ex married? Isn't he doing the same things to her?? How does she tolerate it?

[ExpatInItaly]

Then how on earth is your ex married? Isn't he doing the same things to her?? How does she tolerate it?

 

Yes, he is married now.

 

And from what I have heard through a mutual friend, he hasn't changed.

 

Why and how his wife tolerates it, I haven't a clue. I don't know her at all. Maybe she's just as unstable as he is, who knows. But honestly? I don't really care either. Glad it's not me!

[Redhead14]

Yes, he is married now.

 

And from what I have heard through a mutual friend, he hasn't changed.

 

Why and how his wife tolerates it, I haven't a clue. I don't know her at all. Maybe she's just as unstable as he is, who knows. But honestly? I don't really care either. Glad it's not me!

 

Birds of a feather flock together . . . and/or she feels he's the best she can do.

[ExpatInItaly]

Birds of a feather flock together . . . and/or she feels he's the best she can do.

 

Yes, my best guess is that it's a combination of both of the above.

 

I've never seen or met his wife, but he is objectively a very good-looking and fit man, has modeled a few times in his life. He has his sh*t together, on paper. A stable job, his own home, a nice family and so on. On the surface, I get why a lot of women are attracted to him.

 

It's what's under the appealing veneer that's a complete nightmare.

[academicmoss]

I'm feeling really low right now. I really wish I hadn't of texted him back. I'm feeling worse than I did before he even texted me that. I feel so down and lonely.

[Crystal1111]

I'm feeling really low right now. I really wish I hadn't of texted him back. I'm feeling worse than I did before he even texted me that. I feel so down and lonely.

 

I don't really have any advice because I'm feeling a mess of emotions myself right now but, you're not alone.

 

I'm so sorry for your pain. ((Hugs))

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm feeling really low right now. I really wish I hadn't of texted him back. I'm feeling worse than I did before he even texted me that. I feel so down and lonely.

 

Be patient with yourself. You're going to need plenty of time to start shedding those bad feelings.

 

Like any split, time helps. Come here and write. Vent. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're human, it's natural to react. And you were not wrong to stand up for yourself.

[Redhead14]

I'm feeling really low right now. I really wish I hadn't of texted him back. I'm feeling worse than I did before he even texted me that. I feel so down and lonely.

 

Ah, shake it off. Done is done. In the scheme of things, it's just a blip. This too shall pass. Just focus on the positive things about your life -- friends, family, the fact that you are a smart, strong woman, etc. Go out and buy yourself something you've always wanted but just never did. Spruce up your place -- new curtains, new throw pillows, put some flowers on the table. Be good to yourself -- really good

[academicmoss]

I'm feeling so sad tonight. Today has been tough. It's funny how there's so many people on here going through heartbreak and I still feel so alone, like I'm the only one who is hurting, that nobody could possibly know how I feel. This makes me want to shut the door to my heart and never open it for anybody. Emotional pain is the absolute worst.