Recovering from a commitment-phobic relationship

[CarolinaMoon]

I guess I thought it might be therapeutic to get down the traumatic experience I've had with my ex, and for this to be a note of caution for anyone in a relationship with someone like this.

 

 

Commitment phobia is a hard thing to truly understand until you've loved someone who suffers from it and read up on it properly. My ex was a classic tragic case. Swept me off my feel when we met in June 2015. Bombarded me with promises, and talked about a future, and enveloped me in warmth and love...or what I thought was love. I now understand he was just projecting feelings on to me, and cannot love (because of the fear he has) and was living in a fantasy world. As soon as he won me over, he started to withdraw - in subtle ways. Picking flaws with me ("did you say your hair is thin..?", accusing me of being controlling, always stressing how tiny I was...). I started to feel very upset, uneasy and stressed in the relationship but couldn't pinpoint what it was - and as soon as he noticed my distress, he'd immediately reassure me nothing was wrong and be all warm and loving again (probably out of guilt, as he realised he was doing it).

 

 

But 4 months in, he'd go off the radar for a few days (after, in the 'wooing phase', texting a few times a day). Never speak to me on the phone - only text. Never take me out on dates or make me feel special, as he did in the honeymoon period. Be unpredictable and unreliable. Start losing interest in me sexually. Take me to parties and abandon me. Little things, that mounted up into a general sense of unease. And again, as soon as I challenged him on it, or became obviously upset, he'd make me think I was imagining it and suddenly be really warm.

 

 

And when he was warm, it was amazing. I've never had such chemistry and connection with someone. I guess I'm drawn to troubled souls.

 

 

Fast-forward to Christmas time, followed by a week's holiday in Jan. By this point I could see the panic in his eyes. He was so scared, I could see he was physically in pain and not sleeping. He withdrew so much (started ignoring my calls/texts), I had no option but to turn up on his doorstep, challenge him, and end it.

 

 

Then came the tears and distress, and a frank conversation about his commitment issues (understandable, given his horrendous history). He seemed desperate to get help and to his credit, he did try. He admitted that his ambivalence was distressing and recognised that he was picking flaws with me - but was powerless to change it. He told me I was probably the best thing that happened to him but it 'didn't feel right' - but at the same time, recognised why it didn't feel right.

 

 

At least, he tried to let me go. Told me he felt overwhelmed and that I should not waste my time on him. But, the feelings between us were strong and we got into a destructive pattern of connecting, hurting each other, cutting off, missing, and reconnecting.

 

 

A year and a half later, and a lot of on-off, I have finally asked him to stop contacting me so I can move on. We saw each other (as 'friends') a couple of nights ago and he gave his usual bunch of mixed signals (tactile and hinting that we could be back on, but physically moving away and seeming highly anxious when I seemed to entertain the idea. The blocking seem extreme, but was necessary - as I now know friendship isn't possible. I was kidding myself it could be a way back for us.

 

 

Now that I have finally cut him off, I feel devastated. I can't believe I have wasted a year and a half with this man whose words say one thing and actions say another. Who constantly contradicts himself because he's so confused and scared. I did most of the reaching out to reconnect, and am ashamed. I should have stayed strong and cut him off a year ago.

 

 

I've learnt so much from this and feel I can finally move on. It's early days and I've got all those awful obsessive thoughts about him remerging every few minutes. But I'm doing well acknowledging them and swiftly moving my thoughts to something else.

 

 

Gosh, sorry. I've really rabbited on. I guess I'd be interested on other similar stories and how you 'survived' a relationship like this. And, I'm here to offer advice and support to those currently going through this.

 

 

CM xx

[newheart]

Hi CM,

 

My XBF made a remark to me on our second date that stands out (ha, I really should have thought about this harder) ... we were both divorced, and I asked him why he was divorced. He told me that he truly didn't know, that one day she just upped and changed her mind, that there was no other person involved, that they were planning to buy a larger house and plan a family. Then he made the remark that it was weird to him, because she waited 8 years for him to commit.

 

I suppose that all of it might have been a red flag (I don't believe she really didn't tell him why - I am sure that it is similar to the stonewalling I experienced, and she had just had enough, and he takes no responsibility whatsoever for his communication issues).

 

While my story is not as extreme as yours, I can relate to some of what you describe - the initial intense affection and love, then the withdrawal later on. His lack of ability to navigate very minor relationship discussions, to the point that I no longer tried to express myself because it wasn't worth the result, so I bottled up everything. I suppressed my own needs, and constantly catered to his. But even as it was happening, he never seemed selfish to me, it didn't seem one sided to me, though it probably was.

 

And then I developed the unease you refer to. Something felt off, I was constantly worried about what he was feeling or thinking because he'd never share it with me, yet I couldn't ever ask him for fear of the outcome. I spent the last week before Christmas anxiously awaiting my Christmas card, because he wrote such beautiful sentiments in my cards last holiday season, and since he didn't verbalize his feelings I was looking forward to reading them. How sad is that? And then, he 'forgot' my card this year and said he was "sorry, he would have liked to get me one" (he got one for my family altogether only) ... I was disappointed, but I told myself it was silly, it was only a card. A week later, he proclaimed that he hated cards one day when he was cleaning up and throwing out all the cards given to him (including one from me with a heartfelt message I wrote him, and one from my children).

 

I left his house that day disappointed and unsure of him, of us ... and he knew something was off. He walked me out asking me what was wrong, but I told him nothing. He followed up with a text telling me how I seemed to be upset and didn't want to see me that way, and wonderful I was and lucky he was, and then just like that, I was hooked back in.

 

My heart breaks for you. I know it is hard to remember the good times and think, if only he could be this way all of the time. I get it, I feel that way too. I give you a lot of credit for recognizing you can't be friends, and that you need to establish boundaries. Best of luck to you. Continue writing here!

 

(((hugs))))

[CarolinaMoon]

Thanks for your thoughtful reply NH. I agree your XBF's vague remark about his relationship history seems very fishy. Isn't it funny how we ignore these early-stage alarm bells, because we so want it to work, or because we dismiss it as unimportant 'because it's still worth going with the flow - it can't hurt'. And of course, that's totally not the case. By turning a blind eye to warning signs and going with the flow, we soon get sucked in and fall deep and hard. Next time I will be much more wary.

You are *so* well rid of this XBF. The reticence, on its own, maybe wouldn't be a deal-breaker (or could be worked on). But together with the other things you describe, it sounds like he would have destroyed you (you're ok - keep strong). I cannot believe he threw out the personal cards that you and your children wrote him. And in front of you too - as if giving you a clear signal. What a cruel thing to do. And of course, when it upset you, he felt guilty and scared that he'd pushed you too far - hence trying to redeem himself afterwards. Was this a recent break-up? In time you will one day wake up and realise what a lucky escape you had, with none of the memories of the 'good times' tricking you into thinking it was more special than it was. Our minds are very good at tricking us like this when we're feeling weak.

Wishing you a speedy healing process. Keep busy and treat yourself regularly. There will come a time when you cringe at all of it, or possibly just feel a bit sorry for him. And there's a silver lining - because hopefully, if you ever meet someone like that again, you'll recognise the signs and not ignore them. You'll get out fast, and not waste another precious second. If they're ever really intense and sweep you away in the first few weeks, be warned. Normal, balanced & healthy relationships don't start like that. *Hugs*

[newheart]

Thanks for your thoughtful reply NH. I agree your XBF's vague remark about his relationship history seems very fishy. Isn't it funny how we ignore these early-stage alarm bells, because we so want it to work, or because we dismiss it as unimportant 'because it's still worth going with the flow - it can't hurt'. And of course, that's totally not the case. By turning a blind eye to warning signs and going with the flow, we soon get sucked in and fall deep and hard. Next time I will be much more wary.

You are *so* well rid of this XBF. The reticence, on its own, maybe wouldn't be a deal-breaker (or could be worked on). But together with the other things you describe, it sounds like he would have destroyed you (you're ok - keep strong). I cannot believe he threw out the personal cards that you and your children wrote him. And in front of you too - as if giving you a clear signal. What a cruel thing to do. And of course, when it upset you, he felt guilty and scared that he'd pushed you too far - hence trying to redeem himself afterwards. Was this a recent break-up? In time you will one day wake up and realise what a lucky escape you had, with none of the memories of the 'good times' tricking you into thinking it was more special than it was. Our minds are very good at tricking us like this when we're feeling weak.

Wishing you a speedy healing process. Keep busy and treat yourself regularly. There will come a time when you cringe at all of it, or possibly just feel a bit sorry for him. And there's a silver lining - because hopefully, if you ever meet someone like that again, you'll recognise the signs and not ignore them. You'll get out fast, and not waste another precious second. If they're ever really intense and sweep you away in the first few weeks, be warned. Normal, balanced & healthy relationships don't start like that. *Hugs*

 

Thank you, CarolinaMoon. Yes - you could say we recently broke up - I am not sure he knows yet, lol. It is a long story you can find in a post on the Dating forum, but basically he cancelled plans we had last week, I told him I was disappointed because it was the day before my birthday and I wasn't going to see him on my birthday. He said he couldn't believe this was happening because we just talked about him feeling guilty/obligated to be available whenever I was free (when he cancelled, just a few days before!) so he needed "time to sort this out". So, he is getting time alright! I haven't heard from him since, minus two texts on my birthday (last Thursday). He's done this before, although last time at least there was an argument and a misunderstanding that provoked it. When he disappeared last time, I told him that the condition of my return to the relationship was that if it happens again, we take a day for a cooling off period, but no more silent treatment. Yet, here we are.

 

Honestly, it wasn't initially a relationship where I was swept away - I actually thought that it was the healthiest relationship I had ever been in! We took our time to get to know each other, communicated very well in the beginning. Sometimes, I sit and think that it is my own neurotic behavior which pushed him away, because it is hard to make the connection between who he was/how we were, and how it is now. I thought I had finally had a real relationship (my others were not the healthiest), particularly since I was (am) actively in therapy for some childhood issues, but if I could be so completely oblivious to any signs, I am not sure I belong in any relationship at all.

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear what happened. I don't think he was confused and scared. He's not a helpless child. He is a grown man who did not feel strongly enough to commit. The hot-cold behaviour is inexcusable and I am sorry you had to deal with that. These people suck others in and then mess them about because they prefer it to being alone.

[CarolinaMoon]

Thanks SO. I don't know. You could be right...but, he is deeply traumatised man - currently having EMDR therapy for childhood neglect and a poisonous past relationship. So he kind of is like a vulnerable child. I really have had quite strong signals from him after the break up - misses me, wishes I was there, wants to get help asap for the fear he has....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But then, it's quite possible I'm making excuses for him because I wanted it to work so badly. Actually, it helps for me to think of him as a four-letter word who strung me along for the ego boost or because he couldn't bear to not have me as an option. That way, I can think of it as a lucky escape - although this also makes me feel like such an insecure and gullible idiot for chasing him so much. It makes me feel angry and so embarrassed for throwing myself at this man.

 

 

Blocking him is the best thing I can do, and hope that these emotions subside soon so I can move on and start again. I think it's really hit my self-confidence quite badly...

 

 

Right, enough of talking about myself. Thank you for replying.

[CarolinaMoon]

Thank you, CarolinaMoon. Yes - you could say we recently broke up - I am not sure he knows yet, lol. It is a long story you can find in a post on the Dating forum, but basically he cancelled plans we had last week, I told him I was disappointed because it was the day before my birthday and I wasn't going to see him on my birthday. He said he couldn't believe this was happening because we just talked about him feeling guilty/obligated to be available whenever I was free (when he cancelled, just a few days before!) so he needed "time to sort this out". So, he is getting time alright! I haven't heard from him since, minus two texts on my birthday (last Thursday). He's done this before, although last time at least there was an argument and a misunderstanding that provoked it. When he disappeared last time, I told him that the condition of my return to the relationship was that if it happens again, we take a day for a cooling off period, but no more silent treatment. Yet, here we are.

 

 

Honestly, it wasn't initially a relationship where I was swept away - I actually thought that it was the healthiest relationship I had ever been in! We took our time to get to know each other, communicated very well in the beginning. Sometimes, I sit and think that it is my own neurotic behavior which pushed him away, because it is hard to make the connection between who he was/how we were, and how it is now. I thought I had finally had a real relationship (my others were not the healthiest), particularly since I was (am) actively in therapy for some childhood issues, but if I could be so completely oblivious to any signs, I am not sure I belong in any relationship at all.

 

 

I hope you find the strength to leave these relationship...It really doesn't sound good. You deserve so much better. Wishing you all the best with therapy. x