Kids and separation

[Lifeisgood1]

I have been separated from my husband for 5 months (my choice). We have two children together 6 and 2 years old. I have a full custody over them. When I chose to separate we agreed that he would take kids 2 evenings during the week and every second weekend (at least he agreed to try to do that).

 

In reality, he is taking the 6 year old once a week after school and brings him back by lunch the following day. The 2 year old, he would also take once a week after daycare and bring her back by 7:30 pm the same day.

 

Recently (the last 3-4 weeks), he has finally started taking the 2 year old overnight as well. However, he called today and said, that the 2 year old didn't sleep well and now he will be taking her overnight once a month.

 

I am devastated and very upset... Kids need their dad. I see how hard it is for my older one to only see his dad once or twice a week. The younger one is still small to fully understand what is going on but one day she will be asking questions such as "why dad didn't take me?, why dad loved my brother more?" I will be the one stuck to answer those questions... I don't want to say anything negative to my kids about their dad... it is just not beneficial for them...

 

What should I do? Should I try to encourage my ex to take his children more often or not...

 

Another dilemma I have... my ex told our son that it was my choice that he is no longer living with us. Now, my son is asking me questions "why did you make daddy not live with us" My heart brakes to hear it from my son but again, I can't destroy his love to his dad, I don't want to say anything negative against him.

 

So, should I live with my son blaming me for separation or say negative things about his dad. I just can't do it to my son... So, for now I chose to be blamed...Did anyone have similar situations. Thanks

Edited February 13, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs ~6

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, Lifeisgood1.

 

I would offer that your best bet is most likely to consult with a child psychologist (just you, not the children), to determine the healthiest strategies for dealing with such matters. There is only so much that you can control as far as your children's psychological health, welfare and well-being -- other sources of influence include their dad,

other family members, and the children, themselves - even though we don't usually allow that very young people actually have any control or 'inner say' to form their own perceptions, thoughts and feelings.

 

It would probably also serve the children well if you can manage to help their dad see the benefit of positive co-parenting, rather than trying to tear you down. (Maybe you can enlist the assistance of one or more of your former in-laws?)

 

Very best of luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

Another dilemma I have... my ex told our son that it was my choice that he is no longer living with us. Now, my son is asking me questions "why did you make daddy not live with us" My heart brakes to hear it from my son but again, I can't destroy his love to his dad, I don't want to say anything negative against him.

 

Well, I feel almost forced to answer this question - have you tried everything to make your marriage work and keep your family together?

 

Why did you separate ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lifeisgood1]

Hugs, Lifeisgood1.

 

I would offer that your best bet is most likely to consult with a child psychologist (just you, not the children), to determine the healthiest strategies for dealing with such matters. There is only so much that you can control as far as your children's psychological health, welfare and well-being -- other sources of influence include their dad,

other family members, and the children, themselves - even though we don't usually allow that very young people actually have any control or 'inner say' to form their own perceptions, thoughts and feelings.

 

It would probably also serve the children well if you can manage to help their dad see the benefit of positive co-parenting, rather than trying to tear you down. (Maybe you can enlist the assistance of one or more of your former in-laws?)

 

Very best of luck.

 

Thank you Ronni for your response. I think you are right that I need to consult a specialist. I feel that it is a critical moment to establish things properly and I need every advice I can get.

 

When it comes to co-parenting and in-laws, it is not going to happen. In-laws are in their mid 70s and not too much interested in assisting me in this matter. My ex is way too upset at me to think about kids at this moment. When I talked to him about doing the best for our children, his response was that I have already made the decision that hurts kids so now it doesn't matter. I will write a separate post on my story.

[Lifeisgood1]

Well, I feel almost forced to answer this question - have you tried everything to make your marriage work and keep your family together?

 

Why did you separate ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I believe I have done everything in my power to stay together. I will write a post tonight on my story.

[Lifeisgood1]

Well… where do I start. My story is not that simple but who’s isn’t. We got married young (20,23). I should probably start by stating that when we were engaged he got diagnosed with autoimmune disease. Something that might get ugly in the future but noone knows for sure. When we found out, I told him that as long as we have a good connection (relationship) we will be fine. I don’t think he fully understood what this disease could bring in the future. There were barely any symptoms and beside families no one knew that he had it. Six month into our marriage, I realized that we are very different people and maybe, just maybe, I make a huge mistake. From day one of our marriage, he would sleep in the living room with the TV on. He would come into the bedroom sometimes in the middle of the night or in the morning. He was used to falling asleep with TV as that is what he was doing for many years. I tried to understand, believed that it is hard for him and he has recently been diagnosed with that disease, so I was patient and understanding. It was hard for me as I was recently married and wanted to have a comfort of my husband in bed with me, falling asleep together.

 

The next few years seemed to get better. We communicated a little at least. I am a very private person and didn’t share any of my concerns with anyone. I did talk to him on a regular basis about the issues but his response was that everyone lives this way and it is normal. He said there is nothing wrong in our marriage.

 

I was going to school while working part time. Year 4 into our marriage, he has received disability benefits from the government and was no longer working. His disease did progress, however, he is fully functional, meaning, he can walk (can’t run), can pick things up, can think, drive a car. I honestly believe to this day that he is capable of working, at least a phone type of work, however, he focused on self-pity and did nothing to try to support our family.

 

By year 5 of our marriage I was working fully time, supporting family and studying part time. His daily schedule consisted of sleeping until afternoon, going to visit his parents and come back home at 5-6pm when I got home. Everything was on me, cleaning, cooking, garbage, outside. He would help once in a while but there was nothing that I could definitely rely on him for. Evenings consisted of him watching TV. I thought, maybe he is depressed. Talked to him about it, he denied being depressed. He did go to the psychologist for a different reason but even the specialist concluded that he is not depressed. I was left clueless as to what is causing this behavior, is it a lifestyle? I was still making thousands excuses for his behavior. I know he gets tired easily, not trying to underestimate the disease. I was still fighting for our marriage. All the conversations were ending with nothing. Same old, it is normal, I am happy, you just have to figure out why you are not happy. Maybe something in your childhood. There were his responses to me. He refused to go to counseling.

 

I was running out of options, so I thought maybe we just need a child. 6 years into our marriage, we had our first child. What a silly thought it was. Children don’t fix marriages☺ However, I didn’t know better at that point. Now, besides everything else, I had a son to take care. When I had to return to work after maternity leave, (I was still in school part time), lost over 20 lbs in the first 3 months. I was lighter than the day I got married and I am not a heavy person lol. All the stress took its toll on me… Then we had a baby #2. When our daughter was born I gave myself a promise. This is the year I have to fix my marriage, if not, I need to make a decision. There are no excuses for being too busy not to deal with our issues. I am home for a year and that is plenty of time to fix everything. Unfortunately, I year went by and nothing I tried helped. I was still not ready to leave. I chickened out and stayed. I had to even take the kids to do grocery shopping. If he would stay with kids (which happened very rarely), I knew that all kids did was watching TV for as long as I was gone. Another year past by, we are now married for 12 years. I have become very irritated individual. I love my work and it gives me a place to run away from all the issues at home. I am a fun loving person, people at work, call me a “sunshine” as I always try to put the best face. Little did they know, how deeply unhappy I was.

 

The day came, I was not longer able to do it. I talked to him and mentioned that we need help. This is the last chance. I encouraged him to go to counseling as I said; I am no longer solving it alone. Initially, he refused, he said that I don’t love him and that is the reason for all the issues. When it comes to him not sleeping with him, he finally told me the truth. He said that this is how every couple lives together, all husbands mind their own business and sleep in the living room. He literally told me to ask others as that is how confident he was that it is normal. Now, I know why he thought it was a norm. His parents lived that way…I just told him that if I would know this before, I would have never married him. When I mentioned to him how tired I am to carry everything on my shoulders, he would just mention that he has a disease, and I can never understand how it feels. My response to that was: “ you have no idea how it feels to work full time, cook, clean, take care of kids night and day with barely any help from him, plus not getting any sort of comfort and warms from him. I still wasn’t ready to leave, but I said, I will go if he doesn’t want to get help. Eventually, he agreed. We went to see a counselor. My husband seemed to realize a few things, asked for forgiveness. I also asked for forgiveness. I have made plenty mistakes too. I am not taking away my responsibility for my marriage, the only thing I can say for sure is that I fought, and I fought hard for my marriage. Through the counseling, I did see him trying to change but I also realized that we were so far from each other physically and emotionally. We grew apart to the point of no return. I had to admit to myself, that I no longer love him. He still says that he loves me. However, I view his love as no love. Love is not selfish and his love was selfish and self-centered.

 

At the end of last summer, we sold everything we owned together and split everything. He gave me a full custody over our children. As I wrote previously, I did think that his selfish love was only towards me and he truly loved his children. However, as I see now, he has the same type of love towards his kids. Just words and no actions. There were no affairs from any one us. At least, I don’t think there were. I do not regret anything. Marriage has changed me for the better, gave me two beautiful children. I am happier now, lonely but happier, less stressed.

[Mr. Lucky]

Wow, tough journey. Easy to question the wisdom of bringing two children into the middle of a dysfunctional relationship, but that is done and here you are.

 

Someone has to be the adult here, and that means doing the right thing even if your 6-yr old doesn't understand why. Be strong for your kids, as your H decreases his contact with them they'll be hurt and confused. Kudos to you for refusing to be negative about him, though at some point those feelings towards him will come from your children.

 

Family counseling might be valuable in your situation, even more so if your STBXH would participate...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lifeisgood1]

Wow, tough journey. Easy to question the wisdom of bringing two children into the middle of a dysfunctional relationship, but that is done and here you are.

 

Someone has to be the adult here, and that means doing the right thing even if your 6-yr old doesn't understand why. Be strong for your kids, as your H decreases his contact with them they'll be hurt and confused. Kudos to you for refusing to be negative about him, though at some point those feelings towards him will come from your children.

 

Family counseling might be valuable in your situation, even more so if your STBXH would participate...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks. It is still not easy. I had no idea how difficult it is to separate even though I had a troublesome marriage. You live a life together, you get used to it. I definitely changed my perspective on people who leave. I used to be judgemental when I heard of a spouse leaving. However, now I know that it is difficult even on the person who makes a decision to leave.

[JediLin]

@Lifeisgood1 – I’m so sorry for your situation. Thank you for sharing your story regarding your struggles in your marriage. I understand how you feel. Three years ago, I asked my husband to separate. We do have children together. Speaking negative of each other around the children will not solve anything, it will just bring more pain to them. After 3 months of being separated we attended a marriage in crisis retreat, it helped save our marriage. My husband also has a disease, which he takes medication daily and has a sleeping disorder. So, I can tell you I understand what you mean not having your husband sleep with you on the same bed. I struggled the first year we were married, dealing with his sickness because I didn’t understand it, amongst other things. Suggesting counseling to your husband was a great idea, I really hope he attends. Have you both attended marriage counseling?

[Lifeisgood1]

@Lifeisgood1 – I’m so sorry for your situation. Thank you for sharing your story regarding your struggles in your marriage. I understand how you feel. Three years ago, I asked my husband to separate. We do have children together. Speaking negative of each other around the children will not solve anything, it will just bring more pain to them. After 3 months of being separated we attended a marriage in crisis retreat, it helped save our marriage. My husband also has a disease, which he takes medication daily and has a sleeping disorder. So, I can tell you I understand what you mean not having your husband sleep with you on the same bed. I struggled the first year we were married, dealing with his sickness because I didn’t understand it, amongst other things. Suggesting counseling to your husband was a great idea, I really hope he attends. Have you both attended marriage counseling?

 

Hi JediLin,

 

You see, I had no problem with his disease, I had issue with his attitude. It is a big difference. How long you and your husband together? Maybe if he would agree to counselling even 6 years ago, things might be different now. But after a decade of this, I am drained and am not willing to continue. He took everything out of me. Without receiving, there is only so much a person can give. I moved on. I forgave and no longer have anger towards him. The only thing that is still bothering me is his attitude towards children and lack of desire to spend time with them. The only counselling that I will agree now would be a co-parenting counselling. We did briefly attend a marriage counselling but after a few sessions I have stopped it as I was not able to proceed with it.

[JediLin]

My husband and I have been together for 8 years. Before we attended the marriage in crisis retreat, we went to marriage counseling but I refused to go after two sessions. It did not help us. We were already too far gone in our relationship. I was not in love anymore. I accepted attending a crisis retreat, to get my husband off my back. It really is a miracle our marriage was reconciled. Now I am grateful I attended. Effective co-parenting is very important, I hope it gets better as the years go by, stay hopeful. My oldest daughter is 13 from a previous relationship and her father has been in the picture all her life but it has been difficult because he is not emotionally available for her. Praying for you and your babies.

[stillafool]

I guess this is what happens when you go for full custody of the kids. The other parent slacks off. Were you the one who wanted the divorce and asked him to leave? If so, someday you will have to tell the kids the truth.

[Lifeisgood1]

Thank you JenLin. I will never refuse the prayers!!!

 

Stillafool - yes, I left my husband, and my oldest one knows that. He doesn't know the reason but knows that it was my decision. (I would prefer him not to know that but he does)

 

When it come to the custody, my husband never asked for it. It was never discussed, he gladly signed papers without even any questions ( which in all honesty surprised me) he did say he wants to see them twice during workdays and every other weekend, but only takes them once a week usually.