Ex-wife filling up kids schedule on MY weekends?

[aurelius99]

For the third time in the last 3 months, my ex is requesting that I let my son (6 years) attend a state sporting competition. She expects me to either take him myself (which would devote an entire weekend to travel) or give up the weekend. Swapping weekends is not feasible because when this happens, it causes them to go 3 weeks without seeing me instead of the regular 2 between weekends. Additionally, I can't swap because I work 30 hours on the weekends that I don't have my kids--and altering the schedule for BOTH my jobs is ridiculous.

 

I'm frustrated that ex is always scheduling my kids in stuff that kills our weekend time. As it is, I only have them 2-3 weekends a month. The child is 6 years old for crying out loud. I think it's more important that he see his dad. This sporting event is not something he "qualified" for. Meaning he didn't get to state level because he won. It's just like an optional thing to gain experience.

 

What should I do?

[SoleMate]

Acknowledge the request and then politely say you'd rather stick to the original plan for the weekend. This appears to be in the kid's best interest too....what 6yo wants to spend all weekend driving for a sports event?

[aurelius99]

Acknowledge the request and then politely say you'd rather stick to the original plan for the weekend. This appears to be in the kid's best interest too....what 6yo wants to spend all weekend driving for a sports event?

 

Right. And honestly I think he enjoys "dad time" of outdoors and fun stuff anyway. It's just ridiculous.

 

The only downside is I know she will "punish" me for declining. Her choice method is to make phone communication difficult (often not returning calls for 24-48 hours until I give her exactly what she wants).

[mightycpa]

Or, assuming that your 6 year old is pretty good at whatever that sport is, then it is likely that he'll be involved in it for a decent part of his childhood. You might want to consider that taking the child to that event is not the worst thing in the world, even if it involves a lot of travel.

 

Better get used to it now. There are going to be state and regional events, and all sorts of weekend trips, and when he's older, he's going to want to go to those.

 

You being there, and pictures of you with him at a state competition will go a long way in reinforcing the idea in his head that you were always there for him, even when he can't remember the event. Pictures will make him think he remembers.

 

That said, these events aren't scheduled last minute. They are known weeks in advance. First and foremost, you should insist on becoming informed immediately when even the possibility of a trip comes up, and schedule your swap early. You can always revert back if they don't make it to the competition. Also, what you might be able to do is swap the "away" weekend for a day or night on each of the surrounding weekends, when you normally wouldn't see your kids. As for rescheduling weekend work, better get used to that too.

[aurelius99]

Or, assuming that your 6 year old is pretty good at whatever that sport is, then it is likely that he'll be involved in it for a decent part of his childhood. You might want to consider that taking the child to that event is not the worst thing in the world, even if it involves a lot of travel.

 

Better get used to it now. There are going to be state and regional events, and all sorts of weekend trips, and when he's older, he's going to want to go to those.

 

You being there, and pictures of you with him at a state competition will go a long way in reinforcing the idea in his head that you were always there for him, even when he can't remember the event. Pictures will make him think he remembers.

 

That said, these events aren't scheduled last minute. They are known weeks in advance. First and foremost, you should insist on becoming informed immediately when even the possibility of a trip comes up, and schedule your swap early. You can always revert back if they don't make it to the competition. Also, what you might be able to do is swap the "away" weekend for a day or night on each of the surrounding weekends, when you normally wouldn't see your kids. As for rescheduling weekend work, better get used to that too.

 

I work 30 hours on the weekends I don't normally have them. And it's very hard to change that schedule because it's TWO separate jobs.

 

Secondly, the problem I have is that my ex wife controls 99% of the extracurricular events my child is in. This is because she is the primary custodian. It's not fair to the children or me that SHE should be the one who can call all the shots.

 

Thirdly, when I have made attempts to schedule events with my kids on HER time, she has denied my request every time. I've only asked 2 times in 5 years--both requests were denied because they had "plans" already.

 

I think I'm gonna put my foot down. Sure, she can spin this around and make me out to be uncooperative. But she is actively alienating me from my kids (through multiple means that I could make a whole thread about). So this being the case, I'm going to prioritize my time with my kids while they're young. No, I'm not going to get "used to it". That can come later, when they're older and developing their own lives. He is 6 effing years old now. I'm going to keep my weekends with him, thank you.

[Popsicle]

Just decline and state you want your time with the child and go to court to get scheduled phone time with your child. She'll get used to it. And 24-48 hours is not unreasonable for someone busy to respond to a request for info. Even if you had a court order a response (assuming the info is about the child) they would put that same time frame on it.

[PegNosePete]

I would tell her that you've already got plans for that weekend. Which you do: you plan to spend quality time with your son.

 

Her choice method is to make phone communication difficult (often not returning calls for 24-48 hours until I give her exactly what she wants).

And every time you do give her exactly what she wants, you prove to her that her method of "punishment" works, and so she will do exactly the same thing again next time. It worked last time, so it will work this time, right? Difficult as it may be, I would stand your ground here. Let her "punish" you if she wants. Show that you will not bend to emotional blackmail.

[elaine567]

mightycpa is right, if he is talented and sports competitions are going to be his world, then you need to get on board.

These competitions are timetabled so there is no excuse for you not to be able to schedule your work/weekends around them.

You are holding a huge amount of resentment against your wife here. Your son will pick up on this and as your wife is his main carer and his world is mainly geared to a life without you in it, then it will be you that he will see as the bad guy.

 

"I was going to go to the sports competition but Dad said "No" and dragged me off to something he wants to do... boring..."

[Haydn]

Ask your boy what he`d like do. If it`s a sport he loves then it would be great if you are there with him.

 

 

Offer an exciting alternative. (Obviously not a Cartoon Network weekend)

[d0nnivain]

Even at 6 your son being on a sport means he made a commitment to his team members. How is it fair to your child or his teammates if you pull him out of the rotation every other weekend? What message does that send your son about his commitments & loyalty?

 

 

You & your EX need to talk about the child's schedule before it's made not fight about it after.

 

 

For at least the rest of this season, suck it up & go to the events. You will have lots of time in the car & hotels with your boy. Talk to him about what he wants to do next season. If he loves this team you can't be selfish about it. Having kids means they come first; it's one of the reasons I never had kids.

[aurelius99]

I've noticed there is a wide range of advice here.

 

I think the key factor here is that I'm dealing with a narcissistic/borderline ex-wife. All the folks who say that I should "do it for the kids" may not realize that she intentionally sets up situations like these because she KNOWS I do what's best for them--and she uses it as a power play. It's sick.

 

So if I become agreeable "for the kids", then she will only become more empowered and schedule them for even more events during my time--which will then wind me up back here again with the same problem.

 

As their other parent, I have my own vision and plans for them. There are a MILLION things I would love to schedule them in, but I can't because I have such little time. I never ask her to give up her weekends and she is the one with most of the time as it is.

 

So yes, if I were dealing with a NORMAL and DECENT person, I would agree with those who tell me to suck it up. But anybody who has dealt with a personality disordered person KNOWS you cannot deal with them normally. Their motives are not normal so your response cannot be normal.

[d0nnivain]

I said suck it up for the rest of THIS SEASON. Before your son gets involved in another team next season by all means put your foot down. Do speak with your son about whether he enjoys the sports. At 6 he doesn't get that much input but some would be good. You don't want to give your EX this as further fuel to drive a wedge between you & your son (e.g. honey you can't do that because daddy won't let you).

 

 

Also learn about parental alienation syndrome & find a local dad's group to help you fight against it.

[Art_Critic]

I would think attending an out of town sporting event would be fun for you and your Son..

 

These times are all about building memories and he will remember an event you take him to and how much fun he had with his Dad.

 

I have an almost 9 year old and even though I'm married we do all kinds to things together without her, 2 years ago when he was about 6.5 years old we went on a Cub Scout campout in the Tenn Mountains in a cave 150 feet deep...took 5 hours of hiking underground till we made camp and fell asleep.

 

Build those memories with your Son and don't let any angst you and your ex have come between them.

 

It doesn't sound like she is doing it on purpose, if he is involved in sports then they create the schedule.

 

There was a boy last year on my Son's B-ball team that missed every other game because his Dad wouldn't drive him the 1.25 hrs for the game, it wasn't great for the boy to be part of a team and his Dad didn't care enough to put some effort into it.

 

Whatever you do just love your Son and don't bad mouth his Mom to him...

 

Hope you figure it out.

[aurelius99]

What I might do is take him myself to 1 or 2 of the three total events scheduled on my upcoming weekends. I can't bring them to all 3 or give up all 3 weekends. It's just ridiculous.

 

If I were spiteful like my ex, I would schedule them in all different events on her time and then tell my kids "your mom won't let you go" when she declines. What a joke.

 

As I've said, this is PART of her overall attempt at parental alienation. She continuously tries to fill up my limited time with them. She even sends me emails about what I should do with them on my weekends--local activities and such.

[elaine567]

Stop guessing at her motives and engaging in a power struggle and start doing things FOR your son.

It doesn't matter if she organised it or not, if it what HE wants to do.

Do not sabotage the stuff he wants to do, he will most likely hate you for it later if you do.

 

Stop trying to spite and wind up your ex, she looks after him full time don't forget.

[aurelius99]

Stop guessing at her motives and engaging in a power struggle and start doing things FOR your son.

It doesn't matter if she organised it or not, if it what HE wants to do.

Do not sabotage the stuff he wants to do, he will most likely hate you for it later if you do.

 

Stop trying to spite and wind up your ex, she looks after him full time don't forget.

 

I'm not guessing her motives. I know her motives. Are you familiar with cluster B disorders and narcissism? It doesn't sound like you are.

[aurelius99]

There was a boy last year on my Son's B-ball team that missed every other game because his Dad wouldn't drive him the 1.25 hrs for the game, it wasn't great for the boy to be part of a team and his Dad didn't care enough to put some effort into it.

 

Once again, the dad is the bad guy. I'm curious to hear what his side of story was...oh that's right, only mom's was heard.

 

What if dad had regularly scheduled event on his weekend that was alternating weekends and nobody knew that the child loved going there? What if he scheduled this BEFORE mom scheduled the baseball season? Why do we always assume dad is being uncooperative? Don't you see how the non custodial parent is already in a lose-lose?

[elaine567]

I'm not guessing her motives. I know her motives. Are you familiar with cluster B disorders and narcissism? It doesn't sound like you are.

 

I'm dealing with a narcissistic/borderline ex-wife.

 

Has your wife been diagnosed by a psychiatrist as having both BPD and NPD?

[aurelius99]

Has your wife been diagnosed by a psychiatrist as having both BPD and NPD?

 

No because she refused to be seen by one--which is typical for BPD. When she assaulted me with a blunt object and was arrested, it was still "my fault" and it was me who needed counseling. But I'm aware of the DSM and even though I'm not a clinician, I can tell you she had 5 or more of the 9 qualifications. The sad part about BPD is that psychologists are afraid to diagnose it because they fear their reaction and know they'll lose a patient/client. It's a bit of a cache-22.

[SoleMate]

I've been dealing with a difficult XH for 13 years now. He pulled (and continues to pull) numerous similar stunts on me and the kids. Like telling them (as young as age 8) that when he is out of town and they are with me, they are still responsible for daily pet care at his house. He's more or less made it impossible for me to travel anywhere with the kids on my time for 13 years.

 

I just put up with it and I absorb a lot to take pressure off the kids. I drive them over to do the food bowls and litter boxes without a peep. I just keep reminding myself that's it much better being divorced from him than being married to him and this is just part of the pricetag he continues to exact from me for my freedom. I'm still way ahead and my kids are too.

[mightycpa]

Curious how a parent with a documented history of violence would be given custody of small children. The nanny state gets involved for a lot less these days.

 

I think your earlier comment that you do two weekends is plenty in terms of Dad interaction. Three wouldn't kill you, but I get it, sometimes it's too much.

 

Forget her motives and propose an alternative that gives you a sleepover or something on the surrounding weekends such that you're not absent Dad for three weeks. You don't have to listen to arguments, all you have to do is send a note to the coach and explain that you can't make the meet, but you're trying to negotiate a visitation weekend trade with your wife, and that with her cooperation, he won't miss the state competition and you'll let him know. cc the wife, put the pressure on her.

 

Then be a little flexible on how you get what you want, but get what you want.

 

You really haven't told us how your son feels about going. If you plan something better, maybe you get the CREDIT, rather than the blame.

[aurelius99]

Curious how a parent with a documented history of violence would be given custody of small children. The nanny state gets involved for a lot less these days.

 

I think your earlier comment that you do two weekends is plenty in terms of Dad interaction. Three wouldn't kill you, but I get it, sometimes it's too much.

 

Forget her motives and propose an alternative that gives you a sleepover or something on the surrounding weekends such that you're not absent Dad for three weeks. You don't have to listen to arguments, all you have to do is send a note to the coach and explain that you can't make the meet, but you're trying to negotiate a visitation weekend trade with your wife, and that with her cooperation, he won't miss the state competition and you'll let him know. cc the wife, put the pressure on her.

 

Then be a little flexible on how you get what you want, but get what you want.

 

You really haven't told us how your son feels about going. If you plan something better, maybe you get the CREDIT, rather than the blame.

 

The judge determined that her proven violence against me did not necessarily equate to a risk for the kids. Usually when men commit spousal violence, they aren't granted this benefit of the doubt. I hope that answers your question.

 

Also...why would I need to "plan something better" than regular bonding time with my son? If I DID plan an exciting weekend, I'd get labelled a "Disney land dad". You see? Non custodial fathers are in an endless lose-lose.

Edited February 13, 2017 by aurelius99

[aurelius99]

I've been dealing with a difficult XH for 13 years now. He pulled (and continues to pull) numerous similar stunts on me and the kids. Like telling them (as young as age 8) that when he is out of town and they are with me, they are still responsible for daily pet care at his house. He's more or less made it impossible for me to travel anywhere with the kids on my time for 13 years.

 

I just put up with it and I absorb a lot to take pressure off the kids. I drive them over to do the food bowls and litter boxes without a peep. I just keep reminding myself that's it much better being divorced from him than being married to him and this is just part of the pricetag he continues to exact from me for my freedom. I'm still way ahead and my kids are too.

 

I could tell based on your very first comment on this thread that you must have experience with people like my ex. Unless you have experience, you have no conception of just how far their wiles and duplicity goes.

[Mr. Lucky]

Also...why would I need to "plan something better" than regular bonding time with my son? If I DID plan an exciting weekend, I'd get labelled a "Disney land dad". You see? Non custodial fathers are in an endless lose-lose.

 

Don't disagree with your statement at all.

 

I'd just make sure you aren't taking out your frustrations with system - even indirectly - on your son.

 

Raised a daughter who was a gifted athlete and played softball all the way through college. And divorced or not, there's nothing convenient or half-way about the parental commitment involved. If you child is good at anything from chess to lacrosse and wants to participate and compete, this type of weekend will be part of your life - and budget ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Miss Peach]

I can see both sides of this...

 

If she came to you and talked about enrolling the kid in certain activities, then I think she probably gave you the schedule and you need to suck it up and support your kid.

 

If she didn't I can see how you would have an issue and then it's your decision to suck it up for this season or tell her no. If you don't it might disappoint your kid or let down the team. If you can't learn to say no you might get an ex who runs all over you.

 

Also...why would I need to "plan something better" than regular bonding time with my son? If I DID plan an exciting weekend, I'd get labelled a "Disney land dad". You see? Non custodial fathers are in an endless lose-lose.

 

I've heard these arguments but I have yet to see them in my local courts.

 

The thing that gets the custodial parents (I have several friends in this arrangement) are the lack caring the dad usually reserves for the kid. I'm not saying you are OP but many of these guys are selfish and don't think in the best interest of the kid.