Ex-wife filling up kids schedule on MY weekends?

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

If you'd like to see your child more then ask for more custody. Why don't you have 50/50? Most states encourage and support equal parenting time. Why haven't you pursued this? And please don't say because of your job- lots of single parents make it work.

[Popsicle]

A court would order parental counseling for you two.

[aurelius99]

If you'd like to see your child more then ask for more custody. Why don't you have 50/50? Most states encourage and support equal parenting time. Why haven't you pursued this? And please don't say because of your job- lots of single parents make it work.

 

Where are you getting your information? And how do you define "50/50"? I technically have joint custody, but in my state there is always a primary custodian who gets 65-75% of the total time per year. The only way you get literal 50-50 custody in my state is when you agree outside of court. (By the way, I've talked to lawyers who say the reason for this is because the court needs a justification for child support. With equal 50-50, support cannot be legally justified. And since judges and lawyers have financial incentive to grant child support, I don't see this changing any time soon.)

[aurelius99]

A court would order parental counseling for you two.

 

You're probably one of the people who would have told me when my ex assaulted me that it was "half my fault", right?

[aurelius99]

If you'd like to see your child more then ask for more custody. Why don't you have 50/50? Most states encourage and support equal parenting time. Why haven't you pursued this? And please don't say because of your job- lots of single parents make it work.

 

I asked for 50/50 during divorce. My ex fought it during mediation and it went to court where I received standard cookie cutter possession.

[Popsicle]

You're probably one of the people who would have told me when my ex assaulted me that it was "half my fault", right?

 

I don't know I don't know the detail of that incident but notice I said that the court would order you BOTH into parental counseling? And the counseling is to help you both in learning how to coparent together.

 

Anyway you can't be scared of her or the courts.

[loveisanaction3]

I admire your determination to love your son through this all. He needs (and will continue to need) a strong foundation in you if what you say about your ex is true. So don't give up.

 

It's easy to react with the same tactics that she is using, take a step back first and RESPOND respectfully with your requests and concerns, hopefully she will see the big picture and adjust, and even if she doesn't, you will have done your best, and if you are consistent your son will see that too.

 

Hoping for the best for you.

[hotgurl]

Does your son like this sport and want top play this sport?

 

My daughter did sports and many a weekend I drover and sat through games, not the funnest thing, but I got to know the other parents and cheered her on. Then there was cheerleading camp, and cheer weekends.

 

Just be glad you child isn't into dance. I have a co-worker and most of her free time is spent driving her daughter to dance class, dance competition, and her son is into baseball so there are games, state championships. etc...

 

what does you child want to do?

[aurelius99]

I admire your determination to love your son through this all. He needs (and will continue to need) a strong foundation in you if what you say about your ex is true. So don't give up.

 

It's easy to react with the same tactics that she is using, take a step back first and RESPOND respectfully with your requests and concerns, hopefully she will see the big picture and adjust, and even if she doesn't, you will have done your best, and if you are consistent your son will see that too.

 

Hoping for the best for you.

 

Thanks for your fair post. Part of what I'm working on post-divorce is to accept there are things I will never be able to change. I just have to do my best as a father and hope my kids grow up okay.

[aurelius99]

Does your son like this sport and want top play this sport?

 

My daughter did sports and many a weekend I drover and sat through games, not the funnest thing, but I got to know the other parents and cheered her on. Then there was cheerleading camp, and cheer weekends.

 

Just be glad you child isn't into dance. I have a co-worker and most of her free time is spent driving her daughter to dance class, dance competition, and her son is into baseball so there are games, state championships. etc...

 

what does you child want to do?

 

That's part of the problem. My child is 6 and he likes EVERYTHING. He's just a happy kid no matter what he does. So asking him why he wants to do isn't always a good indicator of what he would choose. At his age, he can't understand tradeoffs. In other words, if A, then not B. He wants both A and B. And the awful part is that his mom is always putting the blame on me whenever he can't have both.

[testmeasure]

.

 

First, I don't think the important thing here is the merit of an individual activity. The real question here is the ongoing situation.

 

Why are you listening to anything she says or telling her anything about activities on your time in the first place? Is that in your court order?

 

My parenting plan says something about each parent being responsible for day to day decision making during their time. Besides that kind of standard language, I had a clause put in where neither parent can schedule anything during the other parents time.

 

If you have a parenting plan, get it out and read it. If you don't have one yet, make sure that when you get one it has that kind of stuff in it.

 

If you have joint decision making on education and you both agree to a joint decision on an educational activity, then I could see where there might be some responsibility.

 

I could not begin to explain the kind of controls my ex tried to implement. At first, before we even had a parenting plan, she tried to require supervision, tell me where I could and couldn't go, and require me to tell her when I got to any location I was allowed to go to. I've heard other stories of ex spouses trying to require photographs of everything the child does.

 

My response was to ignore all this, go where I wanted and not tell her. At the handoffs, I gave information necessary to hand off care. Since our daughter was around 2, that included information like what she ate and when she slept. That way my ex could assume responsibility for decisions about what food to offer her and whether she might be tired and need to sleep.

 

There is no end to the number of "requirements" possible to imagine. The only real question is what's in the parenting plan. If you don't have one yet, now you know another thing you might want to add when you make one.

 

In a situation like this it's very important to have a good parenting plan. Don't leave anything vague or open to interpretation. Be very specific. In the schedule don't just say weekend. Give specific days, times of day, and locations for everything, including holidays.

 

If you already have a parenting plan, get it out look it over and look for any clauses that could give your ex control of anything during your time. If there aren't any, then you don't even have to tell your ex "no". If she gets really difficult about it, you could just say "I'm following the parenting plan". Or "I don't consent to deviating from the parenting plan. Do you need that in writing?"

 

If she says "I've scheduled activity X.", and your response is "I'm following the parenting plan.", that might not initially sound like a coherent response that engages what she actually said. But in reality, it's the only relevant response that actually does directly engage what she's saying and it reminds her of where the true authority is.

 

If you don't have a parenting plan yet, I'd start to wonder about the precedent you've apparently already established by letting her schedule activities during your time. The courts generally consider that it's in the kid's best interest to continue doing things however they have been done in the past. To argue things need to be done differently requires you meet the burden of proof that it's in the kid's best interest to change something they are already accustomed to. I don't know whether that could be applied to scheduling activities during each other's time.

 

Coming back to the individual activity in question, the merits of any one individual activity include a lot of factors. But one of the deciding factors is parenting style. It's completely a matter of parenting style whether you do a lot of close one on one activity or whether you go do social or group play activities. Others may have opinions, suggestions, and thoughts, but it's up to you as a parent how you want to raise your kid.

 

From everything I've seen about co-parenting, interfering with the other parent's parenting style is NOT good co-parenting. Your ex might not listen to or even understand how information like that applies to her. So, I would suggest that you take some co-parenting courses or find some books. There are also co-parenting courses and books for co-parenting with conflict or with toxic or controlling exes. The point being, if your ex is not good with boundaries, you can't just try to be a "good guy" and take the "high road", you need to be extra aware of when she's over a boundary so that you can react properly. If you just try to wing it and be the "good guy", you will have an unending nightmare.

 

1. Have a good parenting plan

2. Be aware of the wording of the parenting plan

3. Know appropriate co-parenting behavior, not because you're likely to behave inappropriately, but so you can react properly when your ex does.

 

- I'm not an attorney, these are just opinions from personal experience, regard it as something you read somewhere on the internet, which is what it is.

 

.

[aurelius99]

We have no parenting plan. I get 1/3/5 weekends along with every spring break, alternating winter holidays, and 42 days in summer.

 

There has been no precedent set yet. On occasion I will change my schedule to accommodate my kids (such as if a family member dies on ex's side, etc). But I haven't set the precedent of giving in. She has NEVER once granted me her weekend for an event I had planned for my kids that fell on her time. Never. I stopped asking.

 

I always have plans with them EVERY weekend with me. And in my opinion this time together trumps 95% of scheduled team events, especially since he's only 6.

 

As I've said, I will make rare exceptions and change my schedule if I deem it's something that they would benefit going to MORE THAN SEEING ME that weekend (which is rare in my opinion since I'm a hell of a good father). But I don't regularly allow this because, as you've pointed out, certain people have zero respect for boundaries and when you're the "better person", they trample over you and will run your life if you let them.

 

I do not inform my ex of our plans. Like you said I only tell her what is necessary for the care on HER time. Want to know why I never inform her of my plans? Because she always spoils them. She often beats me to the punch. If she knows we have plans to see a movie, she will do it the day before, etc. So I've learned to keep quiet.

Edited February 15, 2017 by aurelius99

[testmeasure]

No parenting plan? How did that happen?

 

What works, works. If it works, I guess it works.

 

If you don't have a parenting plan there's stuff like this very situation. A parenting plan would clearly spell out what time is yours and how decision making works. When we first started having trouble, I had the mentality that there was nothing our own ability to reason and communicate couldn't handle. The idea of involving unknown 3rd parties horrified me. In the end 3rd parties saved me and I can't imagine dealing with someone who doesn't understand boundaries without a parenting plan to fall back on. In fact, having the fall back authority of a parenting plan seems to magically result in her understanding boundaries. If you have a parenting plan, you already have a court ordered answer as opposed to an internet forum answer.

 

I say court ordered, but even if you both reach an agreement, write it up yourselves, sign it, submit it, and the judge approves it, it has the status of a court order. So, even if the "order" wasn't originated by the court, it goes through the court, gets approved, and has the status of a court order.

 

With a court ordered parenting plan, it's no longer a no man's land of internet advice on how a "good guy" should deal with someone who doesn't understand boundaries. There's actually a legal answer. Which way is the path of least resistance till the child is 18?

 

- Like I said, I'm not an attorney, this is just opinions, it's something someone said on the internet.

Edited February 15, 2017 by testmeasure

[lolablue17]

Before getting into a conflict, you may want to re-check the options of better organizing your time. I just didn't understand why can't you switch weekends. Here's an example:

 

 

Original 2 months weekend schedule with 2 sport events:

 

(W=Mother, H= Father)

 

Original......New

1- W....... 1 - W

2 - H ...... 2 - H

3 - W ..... 3 - H

4 - H....... 4 - W (Sport event)

5 - W...... 5 - H

6 - H....... 6 - W

7 - W...... 7 - W (sport event)

8 - H....... 8 - H

 

Every time there's an event, you swipe weekends, while starting a new counting since each event. In the first example you get an earlier weekend, and the second time, you get the late one. During those 2 month you still get 4 weekends, so as she. Problem solved.

 

There is nothing hostile with these switches, so she won't want to "punish" you.

Edited February 15, 2017 by lolablue17

[aurelius99]

Before getting into a conflict, you may want to re-check the options of better organizing your time. I just didn't understand why can't you switch weekends. Here's an example:

 

 

Original 2 months weekend schedule with 2 sport events:

 

(W=Mother, H= Father)

 

Original......New

1- W....... 1 - W

2 - H ...... 2 - H

3 - W ..... 3 - H

4 - H....... 4 - W (Sport event)

5 - W...... 5 - H

6 - H....... 6 - W

7 - W...... 7 - W (sport event)

8 - H....... 8 - H

 

Every time there's an event, you swipe weekends, while starting a new counting since each event. In the first example you get an earlier weekend, and the second time, you get the late one. During those 2 month you still get 4 weekends, so as she. Problem solved.

 

There is nothing hostile with these switches, so she won't want to "punish" you.

 

In my first post I said that I work 30 hours on the weekends I don't have my kids, and it's split between 2 jobs so rescheduling is crazy difficult. It has to work for both jobs or none at all.

[aurelius99]

No parenting plan? How did that happen?

 

What works, works. If it works, I guess it works.

 

If you don't have a parenting plan there's stuff like this very situation. A parenting plan would clearly spell out what time is yours and how decision making works. When we first started having trouble, I had the mentality that there was nothing our own ability to reason and communicate couldn't handle. The idea of involving unknown 3rd parties horrified me. In the end 3rd parties saved me and I can't imagine dealing with someone who doesn't understand boundaries without a parenting plan to fall back on. In fact, having the fall back authority of a parenting plan seems to magically result in her understanding boundaries. If you have a parenting plan, you already have a court ordered answer as opposed to an internet forum answer.

 

I say court ordered, but even if you both reach an agreement, write it up yourselves, sign it, submit it, and the judge approves it, it has the status of a court order. So, even if the "order" wasn't originated by the court, it goes through the court, gets approved, and has the status of a court order.

 

With a court ordered parenting plan, it's no longer a no man's land of internet advice on how a "good guy" should deal with someone who doesn't understand boundaries. There's actually a legal answer. Which way is the path of least resistance till the child is 18?

 

- Like I said, I'm not an attorney, this is just opinions, it's something someone said on the internet.

 

As I've said before, your point is valid only in reference to reasonable human beings without narcissism or BPD. To my ex, anything less than 100% complete control over my kids and me is a loss that she will fight against. She didn't even want me to have my kids at all for custody. She even reported me to CPS during divorce to increase her odds. All her accusations were disproven by two separate social workers and later a court judge. This is the kind of ex I'm dealing with.

[GunslingerRoland]

Does your wife control the schedule of this event? It sounds like you are trying to blame her for something which is coincidental.

 

You have a highly inflexible schedule so it backs things into a corner. Is there any possibility for you to take any weeknights instead? If not, it's not uncommon for kids these days to spend their entire weekends in organized activities like this. Roll with the punches, take them to it, enjoy the bonding time on the way their, after and between events, etc.

[lolablue17]

In my first post I said that I work 30 hours on the weekends I don't have my kids, and it's split between 2 jobs so rescheduling is crazy difficult. It has to work for both jobs or none at all.

 

But you schedule 2 weekends per month anyway. What's the difference which numeric weekends are they? You can schedule it enough time in advance.

[testmeasure]

As I've said before, your point is valid only in reference to reasonable human beings without narcissism or BPD. To my ex, anything less than 100% complete control over my kids and me is a loss that she will fight against. She didn't even want me to have my kids at all for custody. She even reported me to CPS during divorce to increase her odds. All her accusations were disproven by two separate social workers and later a court judge. This is the kind of ex I'm dealing with.

 

Actually, that's not too different from my own situation.

 

In my case my ex only wanted me to see my daughter under the supervision of one of her relatives and she wanted 100% control over the situation.

 

In my case my ex misrepresented things to a mandatory reporter that reported to CPS.

 

In my case it was when a court appointed investigator looked in to the situation that her accusations were disproven.

 

In my case I believe my ex to have been a straight up Narcissist. The implications of that being once her narrative was broken, she was in dark hostile narcissistic rage mode pretty much 100% of the time. Constant dark anger. Imagine being painted black for a year.

 

The only thing that keeps my ex in line is the court ordered parenting plan. She's a high functioning narcissist and there would be social and career consequences to violating a court order.

 

How did you get divorced with kids and not end up with a parenting plan? Is that even possible? Is it possible that you have a parenting plan but don't realize it? Do you have a copy of the court paperwork? Something here doesn't add up. Even if you didn't have an attorney and were clueless the judge wouldn't approve the divorce without a parenting plan. If there's kids in a divorce, custody is pretty much determined by the parenting plan. If there is no parenting plan, I don't understand how either one of you even has custody as opposed to the state or anyone else.

 

The parenting plan could be incredibly bad and vague. It could just say the mother has primary custody and visitation is to be worked out by the two of you. That would be horrible. If that's the case, it kind of sounds like you've had enough time to establish a precedent and could go in and get the parenting plan updated to reflect the specifics of the schedule you've been following.

 

Trying to deal with an NPD or BPD without the rule of law of a court ordered parenting plan would be a nightmare. Their feelings will outweigh any internet advice you ever get and there will be no objective answer. "Give me a fixed point and I will move the world." - Archimedes (that ancient Greek geometry guy) The parenting plan is your fixed point.

 

.

Edited February 16, 2017 by testmeasure

[Miss Peach]

Where are you getting your information? And how do you define "50/50"? I technically have joint custody, but in my state there is always a primary custodian who gets 65-75% of the total time per year. The only way you get literal 50-50 custody in my state is when you agree outside of court. (By the way, I've talked to lawyers who say the reason for this is because the court needs a justification for child support. With equal 50-50, support cannot be legally justified. And since judges and lawyers have financial incentive to grant child support, I don't see this changing any time soon.)

 

I'm not the person who posted this but in my area courts usually start with 50/50 so the lawyers often recommend it around here. In my area, cs is still awarded with 50/50 custody to the lesser earning parent if they file for cs. Since I made more than my XH, this is how I wound up having to pay cs. Isystem).

 

Most states have online calculators where you can see the variable that influence support and can see the amounts. My state has one of these too.

Edited February 16, 2017 by Miss Peach

[aurelius99]

I'm not sure what you all mean by "parenting plan". Here's what the court ordered:

 

1) Joint custody

2) Ex has right to declare primary residence but cannot move out of county without my consent.

3) Ex makes major medical decisions.

4) We both can raise them with religious choice.

5) We must follow "children's bill of rights" which covers things such as not interfering with phonecalls, etc--even though Ex violates these on a daily basis

6) my custody schedule is "expanded standard possession"

7) transportation is outlined as far as who meets who where

 

It goes on more. But those are basics. It doesn't go into detail about exctracurricular activities if that's what you're talking about.