(30 M) "boyfriend" makes me (34 F) feel like he's "hiding" me or someone from me

[singlebee34]

So, 9 months ago, I met this guy on okcupid after a string of bad dates that never went anywhere. I gave up and decided to take a break from it for a while, until I messaged this one guy just randomly because his profile said something interesting (forgot what it was) and thought nothing of it. So we ended up chatting and then moving our convo to whatsapp. We chatted online for a couple weeks before meeting for dinner. Ok, none of this is interesting so i’ll skip to the point of my post:

 

It’s been 9 months, and still haven’t met his parents, his friends or anyone in his life. He rarely even mentions them except in passing, and I don’t pry for fear of looking like i’m being too nosy. In the beginning, I accepted all this because it was still new and exciting, but now it’s just become old. Usually he will message me with “Good morning” or “how are you feeling?” and we’ll have a convo about our daily events, but it never goes farther than that. He never even flirts with me online, hardly.

 

To clarify about his personality: our (in person) meetings are fine … he’s not rude, mean, abusive or hurtful (I have been in relationships like this before so i’m always looking for warning signs like that) .. he’s affectionate, has a sense of humor and appears to care; but more and more I feel like our interactions are not only planned, but “timed” and a little rushed, like he doesn’t want to spend any extra time with me, he always has an excuse, “oh, have homework to do (he takes college courses)”, or “I have family coming over” … or some excuse that makes me feel guilty for wanting to spend extra time with me so that I don’t ask again. He’s called himself my boyfriend, but rarely do I see him mentioning me anywhere that I am his girlfriend. It’s like he always needs to get back to something and we can rarely relax.

 

He also shortly deleted his OKC profile after we met (and it’s still deleted), which I kind don’t know what to think of.

 

It took a couple of months for him to even invite me to his place. So when he invites me to his place, it’s ONLY in the daytime … when his parents are not there, he makes lunch or something while we watch a movie, and then i’m ushered out before they come home. At first this didn’t bother me but now it does. I plucked up enough courage to ask him about why he does this and he responded with (can’t remember the exact words)” “…. nothing to be offended about.”

 

Also … our communication is very weird. He won’t talk on the phone, (swears he only uses it for work and doesn’t like talking on the phone), and so we only communicate on whatsapp or facebook messenger. He has this weird communication style where he will sometimes cut me off when we’re having a convo and go “Ok, goodnight! (emoji here)” and then that’s the end of the convo. I’ve confronted him about this too, and he made up some excuse about how there is a “delay” delivering messages on facebook messenger. That’s unlikely.

 

He doesn’t talk about himself or his feelings very often, and when he does, it’s about his very boring job in the political sector, and that’s it … or we talk about my job, or we talk about current events. in fact, even though I enjoy my dates with him, I almost feel like he chooses dates where there is no opportunity to talk. (Movies, the library) … so our “meetings” are really just the same thing over and over. We have gone and done things like going to a art gallery which was nice, but yea. That’s about it.

 

When he comes over to my place (when my roommate is not here), he mistakenly believes I invite him over for sex … which I don’t. Because I have no desire to have sex with someone who I have no idea where the relationship is headed or even if it’s exclusive, and 2) I get the feeling he is very sexually selfish. (I’ll explain that more below.)

 

Generally, I feel comfortable with him and I like and care about him, but I have this feeling that keeps telling me not to go further with him because he is hiding something. Sure, we’ve made out a lot and done sexual things, but that’s as far as I will allow it to go. I’ve told him before that it pisses me off and I feel it’s pretty disrespectful to just assume i’m inviting him over for sex when really, i’m inviting him over (during the daytime) to spend time with him and to watch movies. Even though I make this what I thought to be clear, didn’t stop him one time from coming over fully prepared with condoms and sex toys and ready to make it happen, then being disappointed when I said no.

 

He doesn’t seem to get visibly angry or frustrated when I say no, just disappointed. It has become a source of shame and guilt because I am confused … on one hand I want to, on the other hand I don’t fully trust him so it seems like a bad move. He doesn’t seem to care about my needs and wants when he wants sex, it’s basically all about him. Him asking me “by the way, how comfortable are you?” does NOT make me feel comfortable.

 

… neither does him laying there in my bed going “wanna try it?” like i’m signing up for a free trial of amazon prime that i’m not sure I want. Like, no effort, no excitement, no passion, basically it’s like he wants to lay there and get laid, like it’s something for him and not something we would be doing together. I found that off putting as well, because i’m the kind of person who needs an emotional connection with a guy to be intimate and close with him. I don’t feel like he has this … rather, I don’t feel like he has any kind of emotional connection whatsoever. We did exchange christmas gifts … but beyond that, yea. I don’t know. It just seems very lazy and insulting, like he thinks I am not worth the time or effort to make me happy, or to make sure I feel happy or have my needs met too.

 

He’s also added me on his facebook, which – if it IS his main facebook, that is. His comment upon initially adding me when we first started dating was “oh, we’re getting mixed on social media now?” … found that a bit weird, but overlooked it. His facebook avatar is not of him, but of a comic book character, his info and profile is sparsely filled out, and he appears to have 6 friends on his profile, no family members. His status is “single”, which I could or could not be a big deal because people don’t always have to put their relationship statuses out there. Fine.

 

I did some internet sleuthing and found the facebook profiles of his family members … they ALL have real pictures of themselves… and i’ve found some actual pictures of him buried in his mothers’ facebook albums. So … no interaction with family members on facebook. Which tells me that his facebook profile may or may not be a “secret profile” that he only adds people on that he doesn’t want to mix with his real life, or he uses his privacy settings to control who seems what. All of his other info — his name, email, address, has checked out. He has no pictures of himself on his facebook or tumblr, the only ones of him I was able to find were on his now deleted okcupid profile.

 

We haven’t had the exclusivity talk yet, which I assume will not come because I don’t know if that’s what he wants, especially since I might be just one woman out of his many possible women …

 

We go days without talking after dates — usually I wait until he messages me, and we will have a convo, but none of this stuff comes up. If I bring it up, i’m met with what I feel is a string of carefully worded excuses about how he’s busy, or how he’s nervous about his academic future, or something, NEVER a real solution or explanation. So i’ve stopped asking him stuff like that in texts and told him I wanted to talk to him in person, because we never have a chance to do that.

 

I’m also on his tumblr where he mostly reblogs political and human rights stuff (feminism, racism) stuff, which you’d think if people share the same views as you, they’re likely to be more trustworthy right? well .. probably not, but that’s what i’d like to think.

 

I don’t get the feeling he’s a bad person with bad intentions, but I DO get the feeling, especially now, that he’s hiding something from me, or hiding me, and I don’t know why. He told me he doesn’t have a close relationship with his family despite living with them, but that could be an excuse too.

 

So basically, here’s where my mind has gone:

 

is he married? does his wife give him a curfew and that’s why he’s being so secretive?

is he gay … and married?

does he have a series of girlfriends that he shuffles in and out and that’s why he segregates things?

is he ashamed of me for some reason, and that’s why he doesn’t introduce me to anyone in his life and doesn’t ask about meeting my family members?

He has let me use his computer and phone before … so he has no seemingly weird phone behaviors. Unless he has two phones/computers, but I doubt he’s that elaborate.

 

So, I don’t know. He isn’t very talkative about this stuff so it’s hard to bring it up with him, especially through text, and I don’t do it out of fear of starting an argument. Why is he hiding me? I don’t necessarily have to meet every family member or any of his family members, but I don’t want to feel like i’m a secret, which it kind of looks like I am.

 

I am confused. Is 9 months just too long for this **** to continue or … am I being overly paranoid? In my past relationships, even the ****ty ones, i’ve always met family or friends. I am aware looking for milestones might not mean anything, but I just can’t take this idea or feeling that i’m being “back pocketed” or “hidden” from someone or something. It’s hurtful and I don’t think that someone who cares about someone else would allow them to feel that way.

 

TL;DR: so-called “boyfriend” after 9 months makes me feel hidden and hasn’t introduced me to anyone in his life, might be one of many women. Also might be married but keeps things pretty segregated and it’s pissing me off and making me feel ****ty.

[Gaeta]

is he married? does his wife give him a curfew and that’s why he’s being so secretive?

is he gay … and married?

does he have a series of girlfriends that he shuffles in and out and that’s why he segregates things?

is he ashamed of me for some reason, and that’s why he doesn’t introduce me to anyone in his life and doesn’t ask about meeting my family members?

He has let me use his computer and phone before … so he has no seemingly weird phone behaviors. Unless he has two phones/computers, but I doubt he’s that elaborate.

 

What ever it is - it doesn't really matter because you are simply not having fun in this relationship so you should end it.

 

How could you endure this boredom for 9 months.

 

There is no need to understand him, or dissect this relationship to understand his behavior, he is not delivering the merchandise, end it.

[smackie9]

Red flags everywhere. You settled hun, sorry to say. He may be polite, kind, but he hasn't fulfilled any real relationship expectations. Me I would find it alarming he wouldn't be proud to introduce you to people in his life...you should have ran away as fast as you could.

 

Like I always say, date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. This dude is a certifiable dud. Good lord 9 months??? Dump this chump.

[GunslingerRoland]

Your relationship is just one big red flag at this point. Clearly he is seeing multiple women at the very least, which isn't what you want. Quite likely you are the other woman to a more serious relationship he is in.

 

Are you just sticking around to try and solve the mystery of what is going on? Because otherwise I'm not sure what your hope is for the relationship.

[O'Malley]

What ever he has going on in the rest of his life, he's not interested in incorporating you into his world. Getting together only when he has time to spare is setting a tone that is neither mutual nor respectful.

 

If the relationship doesn't feel mutually respectful and fulfilling, it's time to move on. There's no reason to tolerate a situation where your partner is clearly under delivering because you don't want to be perceived as demanding. There's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship with someone who regularly contacts you, who values your input about outings, who slowly but steadily introduces you to people who are important to him (as you should be a priority to him).

[Redhead14]

So, 9 months ago, I met this guy on okcupid after a string of bad dates that never went anywhere. I gave up and decided to take a break from it for a while, until I messaged this one guy just randomly because his profile said something interesting (forgot what it was) and thought nothing of it. So we ended up chatting and then moving our convo to whatsapp. We chatted online for a couple weeks before meeting for dinner. Ok, none of this is interesting so i’ll skip to the point of my post:

 

It’s been 9 months, and still haven’t met his parents, his friends or anyone in his life. He rarely even mentions them except in passing, and I don’t pry for fear of looking like i’m being too nosy. In the beginning, I accepted all this because it was still new and exciting, but now it’s just become old. Usually he will message me with “Good morning” or “how are you feeling?” and we’ll have a convo about our daily events, but it never goes farther than that. He never even flirts with me online, hardly.

 

To clarify about his personality: our (in person) meetings are fine … he’s not rude, mean, abusive or hurtful (I have been in relationships like this before so i’m always looking for warning signs like that) .. he’s affectionate, has a sense of humor and appears to care; but more and more I feel like our interactions are not only planned, but “timed” and a little rushed, like he doesn’t want to spend any extra time with me, he always has an excuse, “oh, have homework to do (he takes college courses)”, or “I have family coming over” … or some excuse that makes me feel guilty for wanting to spend extra time with me so that I don’t ask again. He’s called himself my boyfriend, but rarely do I see him mentioning me anywhere that I am his girlfriend. It’s like he always needs to get back to something and we can rarely relax.

 

He also shortly deleted his OKC profile after we met (and it’s still deleted), which I kind don’t know what to think of.

 

It took a couple of months for him to even invite me to his place. So when he invites me to his place, it’s ONLY in the daytime … when his parents are not there, he makes lunch or something while we watch a movie, and then i’m ushered out before they come home. At first this didn’t bother me but now it does. I plucked up enough courage to ask him about why he does this and he responded with (can’t remember the exact words)” “…. nothing to be offended about.”

 

Also … our communication is very weird. He won’t talk on the phone, (swears he only uses it for work and doesn’t like talking on the phone), and so we only communicate on whatsapp or facebook messenger. He has this weird communication style where he will sometimes cut me off when we’re having a convo and go “Ok, goodnight! (emoji here)” and then that’s the end of the convo. I’ve confronted him about this too, and he made up some excuse about how there is a “delay” delivering messages on facebook messenger. That’s unlikely.

 

He doesn’t talk about himself or his feelings very often, and when he does, it’s about his very boring job in the political sector, and that’s it … or we talk about my job, or we talk about current events. in fact, even though I enjoy my dates with him, I almost feel like he chooses dates where there is no opportunity to talk. (Movies, the library) … so our “meetings” are really just the same thing over and over. We have gone and done things like going to a art gallery which was nice, but yea. That’s about it.

 

When he comes over to my place (when my roommate is not here), he mistakenly believes I invite him over for sex … which I don’t. Because I have no desire to have sex with someone who I have no idea where the relationship is headed or even if it’s exclusive, and 2) I get the feeling he is very sexually selfish. (I’ll explain that more below.)

 

Generally, I feel comfortable with him and I like and care about him, but I have this feeling that keeps telling me not to go further with him because he is hiding something. Sure, we’ve made out a lot and done sexual things, but that’s as far as I will allow it to go. I’ve told him before that it pisses me off and I feel it’s pretty disrespectful to just assume i’m inviting him over for sex when really, i’m inviting him over (during the daytime) to spend time with him and to watch movies. Even though I make this what I thought to be clear, didn’t stop him one time from coming over fully prepared with condoms and sex toys and ready to make it happen, then being disappointed when I said no.

 

He doesn’t seem to get visibly angry or frustrated when I say no, just disappointed. It has become a source of shame and guilt because I am confused … on one hand I want to, on the other hand I don’t fully trust him so it seems like a bad move. He doesn’t seem to care about my needs and wants when he wants sex, it’s basically all about him. Him asking me “by the way, how comfortable are you?” does NOT make me feel comfortable.

 

… neither does him laying there in my bed going “wanna try it?” like i’m signing up for a free trial of amazon prime that i’m not sure I want. Like, no effort, no excitement, no passion, basically it’s like he wants to lay there and get laid, like it’s something for him and not something we would be doing together. I found that off putting as well, because i’m the kind of person who needs an emotional connection with a guy to be intimate and close with him. I don’t feel like he has this … rather, I don’t feel like he has any kind of emotional connection whatsoever. We did exchange christmas gifts … but beyond that, yea. I don’t know. It just seems very lazy and insulting, like he thinks I am not worth the time or effort to make me happy, or to make sure I feel happy or have my needs met too.

 

He’s also added me on his facebook, which – if it IS his main facebook, that is. His comment upon initially adding me when we first started dating was “oh, we’re getting mixed on social media now?” … found that a bit weird, but overlooked it. His facebook avatar is not of him, but of a comic book character, his info and profile is sparsely filled out, and he appears to have 6 friends on his profile, no family members. His status is “single”, which I could or could not be a big deal because people don’t always have to put their relationship statuses out there. Fine.

 

I did some internet sleuthing and found the facebook profiles of his family members … they ALL have real pictures of themselves… and i’ve found some actual pictures of him buried in his mothers’ facebook albums. So … no interaction with family members on facebook. Which tells me that his facebook profile may or may not be a “secret profile” that he only adds people on that he doesn’t want to mix with his real life, or he uses his privacy settings to control who seems what. All of his other info — his name, email, address, has checked out. He has no pictures of himself on his facebook or tumblr, the only ones of him I was able to find were on his now deleted okcupid profile.

 

We haven’t had the exclusivity talk yet, which I assume will not come because I don’t know if that’s what he wants, especially since I might be just one woman out of his many possible women …

 

We go days without talking after dates — usually I wait until he messages me, and we will have a convo, but none of this stuff comes up. If I bring it up, i’m met with what I feel is a string of carefully worded excuses about how he’s busy, or how he’s nervous about his academic future, or something, NEVER a real solution or explanation. So i’ve stopped asking him stuff like that in texts and told him I wanted to talk to him in person, because we never have a chance to do that.

 

I’m also on his tumblr where he mostly reblogs political and human rights stuff (feminism, racism) stuff, which you’d think if people share the same views as you, they’re likely to be more trustworthy right? well .. probably not, but that’s what i’d like to think.

 

I don’t get the feeling he’s a bad person with bad intentions, but I DO get the feeling, especially now, that he’s hiding something from me, or hiding me, and I don’t know why. He told me he doesn’t have a close relationship with his family despite living with them, but that could be an excuse too.

 

So basically, here’s where my mind has gone:

 

is he married? does his wife give him a curfew and that’s why he’s being so secretive?

is he gay … and married?

does he have a series of girlfriends that he shuffles in and out and that’s why he segregates things?

is he ashamed of me for some reason, and that’s why he doesn’t introduce me to anyone in his life and doesn’t ask about meeting my family members?

He has let me use his computer and phone before … so he has no seemingly weird phone behaviors. Unless he has two phones/computers, but I doubt he’s that elaborate.

 

So, I don’t know. He isn’t very talkative about this stuff so it’s hard to bring it up with him, especially through text, and I don’t do it out of fear of starting an argument. Why is he hiding me? I don’t necessarily have to meet every family member or any of his family members, but I don’t want to feel like i’m a secret, which it kind of looks like I am.

 

I am confused. Is 9 months just too long for this **** to continue or … am I being overly paranoid? In my past relationships, even the ****ty ones, i’ve always met family or friends. I am aware looking for milestones might not mean anything, but I just can’t take this idea or feeling that i’m being “back pocketed” or “hidden” from someone or something. It’s hurtful and I don’t think that someone who cares about someone else would allow them to feel that way.

 

TL;DR: so-called “boyfriend” after 9 months makes me feel hidden and hasn’t introduced me to anyone in his life, might be one of many women. Also might be married but keeps things pretty segregated and it’s pissing me off and making me feel ****ty.

 

So, 9 months and the two of you have never had a conversation about each of your overall dating goals? That should happen very early in the dating scenario. Beyond that, you're being intimate, the subject of exclusivity should be brought up at least shortly after intimacy is added. It's your responsibility to yourself to address it if he doesn't do that first.

 

Open a conversation with him -- you know, xname, we've been seeing each other for 9 months now. I am looking for a committed long-term relationship for myself and I have not been seeing anyone else since we've been dating". And, then let him talk.

 

I don’t do it out of fear of starting an argument -- It doesn't have to be an argument. You tell him what you want for yourself and establish your boundaries. If he gets defensive or dismissive, you walk right then and there.

 

I don’t do it out of fear of starting an argument -- You don't do it because you are afraid of hearing what may be the truth . . . get clarity now or continue to string yourself along and feeling insecure and walking on eggshells and operating from a place of fear. Take control of the situation and communicate AND be prepared to walk away when you do.

[GoldSparkz]

So when he invites me to his place, it’s ONLY in the daytime … when his parents are not there..

 

didn’t stop him one time from coming over fully prepared with condoms and sex toys and ready to make it happen, then being disappointed when I said no...

 

His facebook avatar is not of him, but of a comic book character

 

Goodness me, are you sure this guy is 30? Sounds more like a 12 year old. You sound like a mature and articulate woman with her head screwed on. I think you can to so much better than this man child.

[preraph]

Well, for sure he doesn't want you to meet his parents. Is he hiding another woman? Quite possibly. If he's living with his parents, why?

 

Is he by any chance from a culture where the parents choose the bride?

 

In general, anyone who keeps you guessing and keeps you in the dark and isn't forthcoming IS hiding something or someone and doesn't respect you enough to be honest with you. So I see red flags everywhere.

 

And not the least of which is you can't invite him to anything without him thinking he can get laid.

[mightycpa]

Wow, that's quite a story. My advice is this: Tell this guy

 

Oops, wife came in room. Gotta go.

[singlebee34]

Yea. When contfronted with my questions of “do you want an exclusive relationship” or “are you seeing anyone else”, he was really defensive and gave vague answers. So I guess that’s my answer…

 

 

 

Also he turned the whole thing around on me when I confronted him, so now it was my fault.

 

 

 

A few things he said in the convo:

 

 

 

“Our relationship can be anything we want it to be. I’m not seeing anyone else. I spend time with you. I don’t have to categorize that as anything other than enjoying life. It’s not a checkbox on a tax form.”

 

and

 

“I feel like you goaded me into being angry because you think that’s what it would have taken for the truth.”

 

 

 

 

 

He’d invite me over to his parents place for lunch and then I’d have to leave before his parents got home. When I think about it, I guess the fact that he never introduced me to anyone in his family makes a clean break up for him.

[Gaeta]

“Our relationship can be anything we want it to be. I’m not seeing anyone else. I spend time with you. I don’t have to categorize that as anything other than enjoying life. It’s not a checkbox on a tax form.”

 

That's man talk for : I'll use you for as long as I please and don't give a heck about what you want.

 

Tell him to go enjoy life with someone else.

 

This man is 30 and living with his parents, you are not losing much here.

[kendahke]

It's the hiding that bothers me about this.

 

He's not living in his truth if he's doing all of this, and you don't want a man who doesn't live in his truth.

[kendahke]

Yea. When contfronted with my questions of “do you want an exclusive relationship” or “are you seeing anyone else”, he was really defensive and gave vague answers.

 

The guilty always make the most noise

[singlebee34]

Yup, I have his phone # (I checked it out, it seems like legit # and not a wifi number... ). I never called him though, the only time he’d call me was when he was in my driveway picking me up for dates we went on.

 

The only nice thing he did was get boxed set of hello kitty slippers for me for christmas. Thankfully I got him nothing but a card. lol

[AlmostFamous]

I think if you reread your post you will see all the red flags I am seeing. You have no trust in him,for good reason. He doesn't satisfy you and he hides you. Clearly something is amiss which should make you either demand a conversation or just tell him you do not like how the relationship has turned out and it is time for you to move on down the road. I think your intuition should be what you follow. Good luck.

[singlebee34]

Yup...i found out too late.

[Chilli]

l don't think he's seeing anyone else but at the same time , he's not serious about you.

And if he was unless he has a crazy family and friends or something, he'd love to intro you.

But there's also stuff in lots of other things he's said and between you two too, that show he's not that into it, l'm afraid it's just a fill in for him.

[mikeylo]

Most guys want to flaunt not hide. When they have to hide you, something is fishy. Not worth the headache.

[singlebee34]

Do you think it's a good idea to message his mom on facebook and tell her what her son has been doing?

 

Since I know the facebooks of most of his seemingly normal (compared to him) family members.

[Gaeta]

Do you think it's a good idea to message his mom on facebook and tell her what her son has been doing?

 

Seriously? You sure you are 34?

[singlebee34]

Ok. Admittedly, not a great idea.

[Gaeta]

Why do you date him AT ALL ? You are 34 years old, you've got sh$t together. The man you date is suppose to enhance your life not make it a series of frustrations. He's 30, living like a teen at his parents, keeping you a secret, why do you accept these crumbs? Break this off and go find yourself a real man. One that will take you out, compliment you, proudly show you off to all his friends and family. A man that will make real plan to spend real time with you.

[GunslingerRoland]

I still don't get what you are getting out of this relationship. It sounds boring, you guys barely talk, you don't do many fun things. You don't have sex because you don't trust him. You don't have a shared life. You guys have lunch and movies.

 

Even if you knew he wasn't having sex with anyone else, how is it not an awful relationship?

 

I feel like the horrible relationships you've had in the past, have set the bar so low for you that, anyone who isn't abusive to you, seems like a prize.

[kendahke]

Do you think it's a good idea to message his mom on facebook and tell her what her son has been doing?

 

Since I know the facebooks of most of his seemingly normal (compared to him) family members.

 

so now, you're stooping to "telling on him" instead of gathering up your dignity and grace and just leaving him alone.

 

What, exactly, do you expect for his mother to do? Spank him?

[singlebee34]

Interesting thing he reblogged in his tumblr ... article about how "married couples have less stress in their lives." lolo

 

Also, a lot of people have asked how I could put up with this for 9 months. Well, I understand objectively how someone could wonder that, but all throughout the thing? we had he would say things that implied he wanted/was thinking of a relationship -- these things were said in person when we were out walking together or having dinner together:

 

"Someday we'll get to do that"

"Well we have time"

 

and stuff like that.

 

 

... he always used to word "we". And maybe I wanted it to be true so much that I didn't question it. Now I just feel like he was telling me what he thought I wanted to hear, giving me bits and pieces of what he thought I wanted without any intention of following through -- so he could keep me invested I guess? I don't know, figuring out a sociopaths' brain is pretty hard

 

So despite all the glaring red flags, that is why I didn't end it sooner.