Complicated as heck... next?

[jag88]

Ok, this is my first post ever. I need advice on what to do next, and please don't judge me for what has transpired up until now! I am doing the best I know how.

 

Anyway, so I am a 28[F] and about 2 months ago I met the most amazing person ever 22[F]. I was immediately attracted to her physically, and although she seemed cool I wasn't interested in her as more than a friend at the beginning. See, she and her current boyfriend 22[M] are my roommates... I have like a crap ton of roommates, my living situation is weird. And yes, I AM friends with the boyfriend too... an extra layer of complication.

 

So I thought, here is this cool straight girl, we can be friends but she is straight and has a boyfriend sooooo, off limits. So I just got to know her, I've spent so much time with her over the last two months it's crazy.

 

We can sit and talk and laugh for hours and hours and hours. We formed a really close bond and connection, like nothing I have ever had with anyone else. It was a paradigm shift in what I thought a "connection" even was... it's like I spent my whole life thinking that the best plane in the world was a Sopwith Camel, then she comes along and shows me an F-22 Raptor and I all "WHAAAAAAAAT!?". We even started seeing random signs throughout the day that reminded us of each other, like the most eerily serendipitous signs you could possible imagine. I am not a religious person at all, but these "signs" are so in our face that it made me step back and re-evaluate my own spiritual beliefs... We also finish each other's sentences and thoughts, and are 99% spot on... it's weird mates.

 

So I am still thinking she is completely off limits until 2 things come to light. First, turns out she is NOT straight, in fact, although she doesn't like labels she is very much attracted to women... so much so that the guy she is with is "the only guy I could ever be with". Turns out they have known each other since they were kids and only started dating 2 years ago. Sounds like they got together when she was still trying to figure out her sexual identity... and has stayed with him because it's what she knows now... I don't know if that makes sense, and maybe I am projecting. I do know that she genuinely cares about the guy as a friend at least, but it seems to me that she was trying to force platonic feelings to become more than that. I don't know, maybe she felt if she gave it a shot she could be satisfied in time.... which brings me to the second thing...

 

Turns out, she isn't all that satisfied and neither is he. On the surface they seem like a cute couple but he has a tendency to put himself before her. He is very reckless, and puts both of their safety and freedom at risk on a regular basis (this is real serious crap but I can't go into details). He also doesn't listen to her, in his mind he is the man and he makes the decisions and she is either along for the ride or not... this ranges from big life plans all the way down to what to order on their pizza. It's his way or the highway it seems. He has also expressed interest in experimenting with other women, since this is the only real relationship he has been in (as far as I understand it). I can tell that all of this deeply affects her, sometimes she seems super sad... like she just doesn't understand what is wrong with her. But I think she is realizing now that she is NOT the problem here.

 

So after that all came to light... the more I hung out with her, the more my feelings started to shift from platonic to romantic. She was driving me crazy, spending hours every day in my room just flirting back and forth and talking about everything that people could possibly talk about... and we are hitting compatibility on like EVERY topic. She also started to feel comfortable with touching me... now we've never had sex and we've never made out or even cuddled. She has NOT *physically cheated on him with me, period. But she does touch my arms and shoulders and things in a caressing/sensuous way... the way she moves is equal parts feminine and intoxicating and she knows I LOVE it.

 

So it all started coming to a head, and I thought I was heading straight towards unrequited love territory (which SUCKS)... so early last week when I had some alone time with her... I confessed. I told her, that my feelings for her were becoming something more than just friends. And that the more I bonded with her, the stronger these feelings are going to get. I also told her, that I didn't want to interfere in what she had going on with her boyfriend. I apologized for flirting with her and told her, that the people she loves (sic. her boyfriend) will always have value to me and I respect her love for him. But I also told her flat out, that I DON'T apologize for having feelings for her because they are real and I have them because she is awesome, and if I apologized for that I wouldn't be being honest. I also said that because of those feelings it is hard for me to watch the things that he does and how he treats her (I refused to go into details with her, but she knew exactly what I was talking about).

 

Finally I told her, that because of this I was going to have to distance myself... that I didn't want to hurt her, hurt myself or upset her boyfriend (since he IS my friend too after all) and that the best thing I can do is back off and let her do her thing. She was pretty silent through the whole conversation and at the end told me she had never been in this situation before and didn't know what to say, but she thanked me for being honest and respectful.

 

So the week goes by and I barely speak to her at all... nothing more than a "hello there!" in passing in the hallways of our house. Then late Saturday afternoon, I am wasted hanging out in our back yard having a grand ol' time by myself in the hot tub. I pick up my phone and I send her a message...

 

The conversation started off about philosophy and the universe and all that cool stuff that her and I like to talk about. Then one of those weird serendipitous coincidences happen again.. and then again right after! We were both weirded out a bit and I joked with her that she needed to stop making magic happen around me because it was freaking me out. To which she responds "Is it me, or is it us together?"... oh crap son, strap in, it's gettin' real up in here. So I told her that it is definitely BOTH lol.

 

Then I tell her that I thought we were destined to be together, like something outside our control had already determined this for us. And SHE AGREED! I then told her, that I don't know what the future holds but all I know is that I wanted to hold her as close and for as long as she would let me. To which she responds "I'm all in. I can't see myself coming across a soul and coincidence connection of the universe , whatever time will reveal, I have a good feeling about it."

 

Here I am sitting in stunned silence, like "WOW did that really just happen!?".. I must have re-read the chat 50 times to make sure I wasn't misinterpreting anything. And I am 98% sure I am not misinterpreting crap, although that 2% is making me hella anxious and self conscious lol.

 

So I didn't see her that night because she was working late (10ish)... and her boyfriend had to pick her up from work. I was up until 2am screwing around and never saw or heard her come in... so I think her and her boyfriend were out late together... maybe having the talk? Idk.

 

The next morning I walked out to smoke a cig, and accidentally ran into her having a conversation on the phone with her mom, it seemed like a somewhat intense conversation but I couldn't tell what they were saying since it was in a language I don't speak (yet...).

 

So I sent her a short message, I said I knew things got heavy last night and I wanted to make sure she was ok. She said she was ok and she would be spending the day with her mom. I wrote back saying I was glad she was ok and that I understood things were complicated... she "liked" my message and that was the last I have spoken to her.

 

It is all super complicated, the length of their existing relationship, the fact that she is partially co-dependant on him (they share a car and a room), the fact she likes women and that I am her boyfriend's friend, oh and I live down the hall from both of them. It all culminates into a really sticky situation. I would love to see her make a clean break from him, but I also understand that that is not necessarily realistic because of the years of co-depency.

 

I want to offer my support on this, but I don't want to seem needy or pushy at all. I want her to freely leave this guy to be with me... I don't want to pressure her into anything. What can I do, to make sure she knows that I am committed and ready for her? That I have her back 100% and that if she falls, I am there to catch her? All without being needy, weird, pushy or overbearing? What should I do next??

[somanymistakes]

Yeah, this is really sticky, and it's unfair to everyone concerned. I'm not saying you did anything unfair yourself, but the situation is such where it's difficult to handle the angles that need to be handled. You badly need to back off and give them space, REAL space, and that's hard to do when you're all living together.

 

From what you describe, you have said enough already for her to know that you're seriously interested. I don't think you need to do any more to 'make sure she knows'.

 

If you weren't sharing a house, the best thing to do would be to back off, leave them alone for at least a couple of weeks, let her think about whether she wants to be in the relationship she's in or not, and then ask her to go over the options with you. But considering the living situation, I'm not sure how you can manage to give her the room she needs to think without you eagerly falling over her again. Because you're crazy in love right now and that is going to make it almost impossible for you to behave if you keep seeing her.

[jag88]

@somanymistakes Yea it kinda is unfair to everyone involved on multiple fronts, your right... love is a mine field, and this particular mine field is DENSE.

 

And you are right that she knows I am serious and that I am ready for her in a romantic sense. I just want her to know that I am ready for her in a practical sense too... like I can help her get to and from work until she gets her own car (I might even have 2 cars myself in the near future, been eye balling an upgrade over my 1995 Honda Civic), and she is more than welcome to stay with me if she wants. But saying all that could totally backfire... it could scare the crap out of her ya know? Like there is a difference between being serious and being creepily enthusiastic...

 

To most people having someone move in, or helping them with transportation may be too much for a budding relationship. But idk, I am a bit different, I honestly don't give a crap... I couldn't care less, it just isn't weird to me. But it COULD definitely be weird for her. And also I don't want her to feel like she OWES me anything, ya know? I want her to be as free as possible, not go from one co-dependancy to another.

 

So I guess the question is... should I at least attempt to ease her "practical" day to day concerns? And if so, what is the best way to do that without seeming weird?

[somanymistakes]

I would say no, don't bring that sort of thing up unless she specifically asks about it, it will look weird and over-eager and potentially kind of controlling.

[jag88]

Yea you are right, especially considering that is the exact opposite of what I am trying to do. Like I said I don't want her to go from one co-dependancy to another... but I am willing to make things easier for her if that is what she needs. If she had her own car, and we each had our own place I think this would all go WAY smoother and easier... but that is just not the case at the moment.

 

I guess I will just give it some time, and maybe ask her what she's thinking in a few days... let her do the talking. I feel like I've done my part already anyway.

[Sampson]

Hi, I just wanted to put this out that I had a friend for a few years that was straight, then lesbian with a girl who (convinced her to try it), and back straight. A lot of what you describe happened in her situation. Let me extrapolate and shorten then offer my advice.

 

First love and a relationship is long term.

 

You obviously have come to terms and accepted your sexuality. Your friend may or may not have. These are deep deep issues that you will have to grasp, it is not like a light switch with most people, even though your experience may differ. It goes deeper than just attraction and sex.

 

My friend was dating a guy that was lets say less than attentive and this new girlfriend who was lesbian showed her over the top interest, caring, and of course companionship. This was hard for her boyfriend to match because girl-girl relationships as you know are different. My friend left this guy and formed a relationship with this girl, and every one of us (her friends) could see it was from the pushing of this other girl, she struggled in this new realm of dating and shared those struggles with all her friends it was just not the type of relationship she was use to or could "understand".

 

Yes, the guys she was dating was out the door, maybe, maybe not but it didn't end on it's own. Eventually this is what caused her to fight and separate from this lesbian relationship and leave and eventually to dating another guy. To my knowledge she has never dated another woman. And last I spoke she always wondered if the relationship that she left for this girl could have repaired because she had strong feelings for him.

 

This is the key, relationships have to die or end on their own. In my own opinion or the future relationships suffer from what if's, comparisons, etc. Call it the clean break and new beginning effect.

 

Now, to my advice. You had a "real and honest talk" this included respecting her boyfriend and their relationship. Which has caused her to "appreciate and see you as a good person" yet you know in reality that what you did in the hot tub was less than honorable to that relationship. So you have already started what ever was created off on a fallacy. Couple that with now you want her to know you can be there and help her in her "co dependency" with him if she decides to leave.

 

You have already put it in your mind that their relationship is dead and you want to "help". You are definitely becoming that "outside influence" and if you and her ever do become an item it is not because that previous relationship was over and done on it's own but because you lured her away. This will be another speed bump in her figuring out if a woman-woman relationship is something she can accept and is into. It is more than just sex and attraction. Couple this with do you really help by offering more co dependency to you or by pushing her to better her financial situation to be independent on her own? Be the true friend and push her to better her life. Stay out of the relationship making/breaking and just be that positive role model friend.

 

Of course she knows your interested now, but don't you want her to make the choice to have that relationship with you not because of the "benefits" but because you are that role model, good friend, stand up character, and overall better option for her life?

 

You need to list your motives, try to avoid the selfish wants of your own, realize that over the long term you will develop a better more sound relationship. And if she is interested in being romantic and long term it is meant to be.

 

You can't convert someone to a lesbian relationship. But you can convert her to falling in love with an authentic friend, real strong character, and motivates those around to be better people.

 

I totally went off and have no idea what I said but hope it helps.

Edited February 14, 2017 by Sampson

[jag88]

I am getting a distinct anti lesbian vibe from this response... you do know that lesbian relationships can be just as real and authentic as any hetero relationship right? And no one is trying to "convert" anyone... A girl can be legitimately interested in another girl. This isn't some twisted game, this is my life.

 

And I don't know if I agree with you that what I did in the hot tub was less than honorable. The conversation I had with her started on something completely unrelated to anything involving relationships... she played just as much of a part in steering that conversation as I did. But you would be right that I did not steer *away from it...

 

Anyway, she's spent the last couple days hanging out with her mom exclusively, which is a bit out of character for her (but awesome, cuz her mom is a sweetheart). Last night she came home late, and brought me some chocolate cake from her mom (her mom is a baker) and said that her mom said that one of them is for me. I thought that was really sweet of both of them and made me think they had been talking about me and maybe the situation... idk. But we ate some chocolate cake, drank some wine and chit chatted with some of our other roommates... then her boyfriend came home, walked right passed me and she just got up and followed him into their room and shut the door without saying anything to me. We did not bring up the topic at all last night.

 

I have no idea what's going on anymore, but there is nothing I can do other than keep doing my day to day crap and wait.

[freengreen]

hmm.. pretty complicated. You started off fighting with yourselves now you have loads of people to calm down. I think, sometimes it does happen that you get attracted to same sex and it feels perfect. Honestly I did feel strong connection with few of my girlfriends and i am a family women with 2 kids. However, it was never upto the point where we would think to sleep and share life together.

 

First, let her say it out. For her it just might not be as deep enough as for you.

 

Once you know for sure you both are ready,I am sure you have decided to be with her. Well in that case, let the other people involved with you and her know first hand. Its only fair.

Edited February 14, 2017 by freengreen

[jag88]

First, let her say it out. For her it just might not be as deep enough as for you.

 

This is a distinct possibility although I am getting the vibe from you guys that you think this simply because we are both women... maybe it is a bit of a complex on my part, but the hetero world seems to love to devalue same sex feelings and attachments. It's like people think it's not real, that it is just a facade because only straight relationships are real relationships and anything else is just shallow and fake.

 

I don't think you meant to imply that though, so I will give you all the benefit of the doubt. I just want you to know, that I don't see same sex relationships as any less than hetero relationships.

 

I do recognize that it is an extra layer of complication though... although, she does seem to be legitimately into women and she doesn't hide it or anything. At least some of her friends and family know she likes women at this point, and she celebrates pride and all that. She just happens to currently be with a man and not a woman.

 

I do like what Sampson said, "...But you can convert her to falling in love with an authentic friend, real strong character, and motivates those around to be better people."

 

Again I am not trying to "convert" her to team girl-girl... I want her to fall for me because I am who I am and not for any other reason. I do absolutely want a legitimate real relationship with her... not some trist. If sitting tight and waiting for things to pan out is the best chance to attain that goal, that is what I will do.

 

Oh and happy Valentine's Day peoples!

[goodyblue]

She is very young. She is involved with a man. You are older than she. You need to back off. Leave her one. Find someone your own age

[jag88]

She is very young. She is involved with a man. You are older than she. You need to back off. Leave her one. Find someone your own age

 

Wow... if I was a 28 y/o guy trying to date a 22 y/o girl, you wouldn't have said that. I am 100% positive of that. Why is it perfectly ok and normal for a guy to date a girl a decade or more younger than him, but it is wrong for a woman to want another woman that is only 6 years younger?

 

So much heterosexism on this site, I've gotten some solid advice, but its hard to ignore the fact that you all think I am a disgusting piece of crap... so fine, good bye.

[whichwayisup]

Well whatever you two feel is mutual and something will probably happen when the timing is better. I'm rooting for you two! Sounds exciting!

 

Though with that said, do back off and let her come to you next. Try not to text her (especially when drinking) how you feel, she knows...

 

She hasn't broken up or had the 'talk' with her boyfriend (that you know of) so until that happens take a breather from her on the emotional level. You dont want to be the reason or cause of their break up. And, if they do break up she will need some time to adjust and to grieve because she does care for him and they've known one another since they were kids so there's that bond and trust there.

 

Don't worry about the age, she's 22 and you're 28 that's not a big gap. Now if she was 16 of course it would be different! she's mature enough and not a teen anymore.

[whichwayisup]

Wow... if I was a 28 y/o guy trying to date a 22 y/o girl, you wouldn't have said that. I am 100% positive of that. Why is it perfectly ok and normal for a guy to date a girl a decade or more younger than him, but it is wrong for a woman to want another woman that is only 6 years younger?

 

So much heterosexism on this site, I've gotten some solid advice, but its hard to ignore the fact that you all think I am a disgusting piece of crap... so fine, good bye.

 

Nah don't leave and don't let any negative posts upset you. Focus on the helpful replies and don't even bother with the ones that are trying to make you feel bad.

 

just know that things will work out between you and her when the timing is right and she's free and single to date you in a proper way. You deserve more than being a secret or an affair.

[jag88]

Well whatever you two feel is mutual and something will probably happen when the timing is better. I'm rooting for you two! Sounds exciting!

 

Though with that said, do back off and let her come to you next. Try not to text her (especially when drinking) how you feel, she knows...

 

She hasn't broken up or had the 'talk' with her boyfriend (that you know of) so until that happens take a breather from her on the emotional level. You dont want to be the reason or cause of their break up. And, if they do break up she will need some time to adjust and to grieve because she does care for him and they've known one another since they were kids so there's that bond and trust there.

 

Don't worry about the age, she's 22 and you're 28 that's not a big gap. Now if she was 16 of course it would be different! she's mature enough and not a teen anymore.

 

This... this is solid advice, with no judgement. Thank you.

[Sampson]

I am getting a distinct anti lesbian vibe from this response.

 

I am sorry you feel this way. But it is in no way written with such intent or malice. I would think if you knew who I was and my character more than just a post on the internet you would look deeper and see the pro life long relationship advice inside of it.

 

Believe me there is no judgment here whatsoever. I could actually careless who you or her decide to be with short term, long term, or not. But I do care about both parties in a relationship being honest, authentic, and have the best shot at long term happiness. And my post hopefully sparked you to look inside and ask questions of yourself and those actions.

[goodyblue]

Wow... if I was a 28 y/o guy trying to date a 22 y/o girl, you wouldn't have said that. I am 100% positive of that. Why is it perfectly ok and normal for a guy to date a girl a decade or more younger than him, but it is wrong for a woman to want another woman that is only 6 years younger?

 

So much heterosexism on this site, I've gotten some solid advice, but its hard to ignore the fact that you all think I am a disgusting piece of crap... so fine, good bye.

 

Absolutely untrue. I happen to be very involved in the gay community. It has to do with the fact that she is dating a man and if she is gay doesn't need coaxing. She is 22. It isn't the age difference, I am seven years younger than my husband. It is her maturity level am d the lack of life experience.

 

And frankly I think it is petty to act as if I have a problem with the fact that you are gay. You have no right to make that call.

[jag88]

Absolutely untrue. I happen to be very involved in the gay community. It has to do with the fact that she is dating a man and if she is gay doesn't need coaxing. She is 22. It isn't the age difference, I am seven years younger than my husband. It is her maturity level am d the lack of life experience.

 

And frankly I think it is petty to act as if I have a problem with the fact that you are gay. You have no right to make that call.

 

And you have no right to make the call on someone's maturity based off their age when don't even know them. We both consider each other to be in the same age group, otherwise we likely wouldn't have hung out in the first place... Also, frankly it seems you are implying that I am preying on her because she's young and possibly naive (she isn't) and that couldn't be further from the truth... you are making me out to be a villain and it's making me feel like total crap. So good bye people.

Edited February 14, 2017 by jag88

[freengreen]

its hard to ignore the fact that you all think I am a disgusting piece of crap... so fine, good bye.

I am sorry you feel this way. I have quite a few gay friends and I dont see them any different, I dont see why one should. I just told what I thought was legit... its an adive for anyone in this situation. Its not about if same sex love , I treated it 'affair ahead' thread.

 

Well, takecare.

[ShatteredLady]

Quote from OP. "So I am still thinking she is completely off limits until 2 things come to light. First, turns out she is NOT straight, in fact, although she doesn't like labels she is very much attracted to women... so much so that the guy she is with is "the only guy I could ever be with"."

 

I took this to mean that she's 'at least' bi or (more likely) trying to do 'the straight thing' with a 'safe' man....they've known each other since childhood. This doesn't sound like a straight lady who's curious at all.

 

You guys all living together makes this so complicated. I know you feel a special connection (I was a very mature 22. I DON'T see a problem there) but PLEASE, avoid the affair territory. If she wants to start a proper relationship with you she needs to COMPLETELY untangle herself from her current relationship.

 

They're not married, no kids involved. Dating is all about trying someone out BEFORE you commit. I don't see that the OP has done anything wrong here. She was very sensible considering her off-limits before she discovered she's gay.

 

OP, you've made your feelings clear. She hasn't rejected you...it sounds like she's working through things with her current bf (do they usually act like that? Not saying anything, just retreating to their room?) so all you can do is wait. I'm sorry. I know that must be very hard for you. Be patient. From what you've said I think the odds are in your favor.

 

I don't understand why you're feeling attacked here. I must be missing something. Please remember that this is a forum which deals with the fallout of infidelity & affairs. Most are VERY concerned about that. There is a bias BUT it's about one person being seen as interjecting themselves into a couple.