Is there still hope?

[dizzydad05]

First i would like to say that my wife and i have been together since 2001 and were married in 2004 followed by our first son in 2005 our second son in 2010 and our Third and final Son in 2013. We have had a very tough marriage and have been through the ringer. in 2006 she moved out and ended up filing for divorce and i came to this page for help. I probably had one of the longest threads ever. she became emotionally attached to another man before the move and that drove her to move out and file. partly due to me not wanting to give up female friends that i knew long before her. which in the end i did give up all of the female friends. about a year later we reconciled just before the divorce was final an as i started moving on with my life. then there was a long stretch were things were mostly good but two stubborn people butting heads at times.

 

My wife an I had some pretty bad upbringings hers being far worse than mine. In 2012 i started a new career as an RN which bothered my wife due to all the women and me having female coworkers on Facebook and she had threatened me quite regularly with leaving me and divorce to the point the threats didn't phase me any longer and it made me very resentful, of course i never told her that because "I'm a man and can deal with this myself". In 2013 the wife an i had been fighting very bad and 6 months after our 3rd child she threatened to leave me again told me her plan and that her mother was going to help her.

 

I ended up getting so ticked i became hung up in a sexual flirtation affair with a woman from work , but Had no intentions of it going far because she was moving to Florida in a couple weeks, I did become emotionally attached very quickly which was strange.

 

The wife found out and I ended it, she never moved out and we stayed together. Now since I've been a nurse I have never received so much positive attention from women and it was quite flattering well probably around January 2016 I was just talking and texting with a female I worked with (way to young for me 24) I'm now 39 and we all joked about when i was in my teens that i wanted to be a rapper. at this time i have been on nights shift (a very lonely shift for me) and this girl was joking with me about my Rhymes and told me to write her a rap song. so i grabbed out a piece of paper and starting jotting down sentences that rhymed it was about 3 or 4 am the silly hour for me. so i finally finished up this rhyme and typed into a note pad and against my better judgment sent it to her. you see it read more like a love poem with some comic relief added in, I immediate sent her a meme that said "do you ever wish, you could take something back" as i felt horrible because one i just sent a poem to another women who was not my wife and two I likely just messed up a good friendship with a coworker I knew there was no future in. I deleted this poem this was probably mid February 2016...

 

from that point on i had made some big changes in the way i dealt with my wife's temper and our relationship really started to blossom we had by far the best stretch of our marriage through that time. then comes October 15 the day i had my vasectomy, my wife wanted to play the games on my phone while i was back having the procedure. well that damn rhyme that i wrote must have reloaded from the cloud and my wife seen it. the next day we separated and she told the moment she read that poem everything she ever felt for me went away and she was going to leave me. Well we talked and decided that she would stay living together in separate rooms so that she could finish nursing school as my income would not support to households and nursing school does not really allow one to have a job.

 

the she started messaging this guy I went to high school with and **** kind of hit the fan here I am supporting a family of 5 with 2 new cars a house we just moved into December of 2015 and she starts talking to a 39 year old who lives at home with his mom but still drives a brand new truck. just a total loser he was a complete and total jackass back them and is the same person today. anyway that kind of blew over and I started seeing a counselor and was dead set on getting my marriage back together. So I started attempting the divorce busting, the 180 and various other things i read on here. and things have been going really good, no talk of relationship still separated and still heading towards divorce but just really getting along, i truly felt that we were heading in the right direction.

 

well Saturday February 11th 2017 my wife came home from the bar and said she needed to get laid, i had been home with a few beers myself. we have not been intimate since the separation. we ended up sleeping together and it was awesome, she said a lot of things that really hit home, next day she was extremely standoffish and all the feelings that i worked so hard to suppress now came flooding back and to top it off i found out that that she was still talking to that other guy... all hell broke lose i lost my cool and completely reverted back to the bitter jealous clinger i turned into for a bit. we have been fighting two days now and though i know i screwed up big time and just need to let her go. i want nothing more than to save my marriage. What can I do, is there any hope?

Edited February 14, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[dizzydad05]

Guys any suggestions

[mikeylo]

I have some news for you --- people ( you ) who like attention from other women ( or men ) are not relationship material. What do you expect from her ? To stand there and admire your flirtations with other women giggling and blushing while reading your poems ? Duh

[dizzydad05]

I absolutely understand what you are saying. That's the reason I'm seeing a counselor, because this is an issue. I cannot expect anything from my wife except way she is doing right now. But also realize this is far more complex that I described as I've put the majority of everything on myself and omitted her wrongdoings. I'm giving my wrongs in order to get advice on what I can do to prove to her that she is the most important thing in my life, besides the children... Advice is appreciated, I have a hard core therapist who is breaking me down over my actions. I would love to save my marriage and get the opportunity to show my wife the man I can truly be...

[LancasterAmos1966]

I would love to save my marriage and get the opportunity to show my wife the man I can truly be...

 

[]

 

I'm not sure if your marriage can be salvaged, but you can be an honorable man that keeps his promises no matter what your wife does or does not do.

Edited February 14, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted link to commercial site ~6

[mikeylo]

You don't respect her or your marriage. If the thought of losing her forever isn't enough motivation for you , then no amount of therapy will do anything. You have set a poor example to your kids. They might love you but they will one day have no respect for you. They are always watching your behavior.

 

You might have pushed her to her breaking point.

 

One of my friends was in a similar situation long long ago. Your wife has done nothing as to what his wife made the guy do. He did. He had an option to not do. She asked him to dump those women in front of her in a way that they never dared to show up or talk or whatever ever again. While he was the one who initiated everything with them , they were equal participants. But since he didn't respect his wife , those women got a free pass. Cheap thrill.

 

Those women vanished to never show up ever again. Then guy got a reality check, therapy etc. They started from a clean slate. They survived because he showed and proved to her that those women can be insulted and dropped without any explanation to them.

 

I'm not saying you go and do this. But it takes a lot of courage and really wanting to do it. Not lip service. Or making excuses to continue your rendavous under 'friends ' title.

 

Cheap women are dozen a dime. But they do it because you do it.

[dizzydad05]

Thank you for your candid talk, I do need to hear it... I know I have messed up huge with my wife and I'm pretty sure she is completely done... I have cleaned the slate I don't talk to any of the female friends any longer. And the women I do talk with its work related and at work only... Now how do i work to get her back when she currently wants nothing to do with me. I know there is a large possibility of not reconciling but I have to try with all I have.

[mikeylo]

Ask her what she wants you to do ? Maybe put down a couple of women right in front of her ? She wants YOU to show her without her asking you to because she has done that before but got a bigger cheater in return. You might have to take drastic steps, something like my friend.

 

Don't play mind games. Might work for a little while but will backfire because the reality hasn't changed. You did change for a little while , just enough for her to take you back but you started with other women again. The cycle repeated. In her mind, rightly so, you actually never stopped. Just laid low for a while. So all your divorce busting , 180 etc was useless. You were continuing your immoral behavior.

 

As long as you are talking to ANY woman , from this point till you are married to your wife, your marriage is at risk. You started it. You failed her. Even work related women are out of bounds. I'm sure she trusted you when she fell in love with you. Non of those women mattered to her then. But now , every time there is any random woman around, she gets triggers of your , if I can say , disgusting behavior.

 

Get a new job. Move homes. Start fresh where there are no reminders of your past clandestine affairs. Remember that triggers , reminders , superficial changes,etc will just prolong the inevitable.

 

Give her some time away from you to cool down. Then IF she wants to try again , do something drastic and stick to it.

 

It may be too late though.

[mikeylo]

It won't let me edit

 

Wanted to add :

 

Your wife, I'm sure, at this point, doesn't feel proud to be with a man like this. She feels ashamed and embarrassed to be with you. She doesn't want to be seen with a guy who basically insults her.

 

Are your kids boys or girls ? You are not a good example for either, in their own way. If you end in divorce, the court will protect the girl child from you if you are in fault state. Undo it when you still can.

Edited February 14, 2017 by mikeylo

[dizzydad05]

It won't let me edit

 

Wanted to add :

 

Your wife, I'm sure, at this point, doesn't feel proud to be with a man like this. She feels ashamed and embarrassed to be with you. She doesn't want to be seen with a guy who basically insults her.

 

Are your kids boys or girls ? You are not a good example for either, in their own way. If you end in divorce, the court will protect the girl child from you if you are in fault state. Undo it when you still can.

 

All my children are boys, we live in a no fault state...

[Calmandfocused]

From what I've read it doesn't seem fair to me that the op should take all the responsibility for this realtionship breakdown.

 

Both have been game playing with each other's emotions

Both have brought others into the relationship, consciously or not.

Both have not addressed the marriage difficulties head on and have allowed resentments to build.

 

Don't take all the flak here op. Your wife is far from the wronged party in all of this.

 

You want to save your marriage? I would advise that you stop all the techniques and rules you've been applying. In your case, they are not working and the "games" are getting more serious. Instead be honest and open with her at all times. Seems like she needs to see and understand how you really feel about her,

 

Secondly, adopt some healthy boundaries with your colleagues. I get that you're craving female admiration but this behaviour is damaging your marriage.

[dizzydad05]

I have been completely truthful an honest with her, I have begged pleaded and talked until i'm blue in the face. In October when she told me we were separated she started chatting with a guy I went to high school with and im pretty sure its pretty serious. After we had sex on Saturday I sent off the deep end after i found out that they were still talking. I made her cry several times and she told me that i was unstable and a psycho. which i found to be quite comical as she has done that to me a hundred times since we have been together but I lose my cool and i'm crazy...smh. Anyway today Valentines day I went out bought her 2 dozen red roses and a card that said. these flowers serve two purposes one to apologize for how big of an ass i was the last two day and Two to show my sons how they should be treating there women when they get older. I told her i was moving on with my life and I was setting her free. it was no longer my business who or what she did and that i appreciate the wonderful boys she gave me and I she will always be special to me. lets be real she has no reason to trust me and frankly I don't feel like a deserve another chance with her, though i would give anything for another shot. I love her and would like nothing more than to keep my family whole.

[mikeylo]

Giving flowers to her don't teach your children anything except how to try to get away after betraying the woman you assumingly love more than anything in the world!

 

Your begging, pleading actually was not real. Your were still continuing except made it low key. She was keeping her eyes open. And you got caught in your own trap.

 

She is now going to protect her kids from you

[dizzydad05]

I always tell my sons that they need to make a big deal about their loved ones, especially if it is their lady. They have no real idea as to what is going an and i want to keep it that way. I want them to see that their father is buying gifts for their mother and doing kind things. I explained to her the flowers were to apologize for being and and to continue to show the boys the things you should do for your loved ones. I'm well aware of my faults in all of this and at the end of the day I want her to be happy with or without me. but her and i have an understanding that we will not drag the kids through all the bad things we have done to each other over the years. The only issue is i am better in theory than i am in reality. fortunately the boys have no idea of my reality, only what i show them. I have a ton of room to grow and improve and am working daily on that, to also practice what i preach so i can talk only talk a good example but to also set a good example.

[mikeylo]

I'm just back after having a wonderful Valentines dinner with my wife. Very low key but nothing makes my life brighter than seeing the trust in her eyes for me. It takes work and sacrifice.

 

If that's what you think about your sons, then let me warn you , you are going to get the shock of your life one day. They know everything.

 

Get up and kick these women out. Lost time never comes back.

[Calmandfocused]

Mikey is correct about your sons. They will know.

 

I have 2 boys also, 5 and 3 and am currently going through a divorce from their father. I have tried to tell myself "they're too young, they won't understand, if I protect them from seeing or hearing anything, they will be fine" etc. I was wrong.

 

My youngest has referred to me as a "f.....g b...h" and at times speaks to me very disrespectfully because "daddy does". My oldest has thumped me repeatedly, presuming because he's learnt that it's perfectly acceptable to express aggression in my direction. Even at their young age, they have learnt lessons I wish they hadn't.

 

My main reason for getting divorced is to prevent the cycle from repeating itself. I'm doing everything I can to save them.

 

Save your boys and know when it's time to end this misery for all of you.

[dizzydad05]

I'm looking to procure the lone ranger track from the tele boot camp by Mort Fertel? I cannot afford the whole set.

Thank You

DizzyDad05

Edited February 17, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge and edit for content

[mikeylo]

Be a man, man ,lol ! Try not to fall into these tricks. Dont play mind games. Hold your demons by its horns and just jump in.No other way around when you do this stuff. You cant rug sweep.

 

Your issue, as I see is that you tried to juggle your wife and other women that back fired big time.You cant have both. You cant be in a committed relationship and lead a single life as well. I'm the breaker of this news, lol !

 

What you can have is either your wife or other women.You've got to choose.Once you choose, commit to that.

 

What does your therapist say? How long have you been going?

 

You need to show by your actions that you dumped all other women.Even if you happen to see them, they should be the ones to turn their backs at you and run away.

 

You are wanting a quick fix but seem very hesitant to do the work.

[aileD]

I have some news for you --- people ( you ) who like attention from other women ( or men ) are not relationship material. What do you expect from her ? To stand there and admire your flirtations with other women giggling and blushing while reading your poems ? Duh

 

This and she's cheated too....you guys just need to go your separate ways. You both don't care about each other ENOUGH not to cheat on each other so what's the point?

[dizzydad05]

Be a man, man ,lol ! Try not to fall into these tricks. Dont play mind games. Hold your demons by its horns and just jump in.No other way around when you do this stuff. You cant rug sweep.

 

Your issue, as I see is that you tried to juggle your wife and other women that back fired big time.You cant have both. You cant be in a committed relationship and lead a single life as well. I'm the breaker of this news, lol !

 

What you can have is either your wife or other women.You've got to choose.Once you choose, commit to that.

 

What does your therapist say? How long have you been going?

 

You need to show by your actions that you dumped all other women.Even if you happen to see them, they should be the ones to turn their backs at you and run away.

 

You are wanting a quick fix but seem very hesitant to do the work.

 

in all actuality I made the decision right after i wrote that poem, at the begging of 2016. I don't really talk with the women at work unless it is work related (I just accepted a assistant manager position back in November), i have changed my persona in a big way with how i deal with them.

 

Since why wife found out, i have tried to explain to her all the emotions and feelings that I've dealt with and the realizations I made. but i worked it all out in my mind long before she found the poem. I did so much begging and pleading and arguing and pushing away that she is sure that we will never get back together.

 

My counselor is also seeing my wife, both of us go separate time as we both have issues from growing up we need to address with the intent of just being better people regardless of what happens to our marriage.

 

My counselor just tells me to back off of her, only talk about the kids and logistical stuff pertaining to the house and bills and leave anything relationship related off the table unless she brings it up. I was doing quite well with all of that and we were starting the get along quite well, then after we ended up having sex two days before valentines day and then i practically had a nervous breakdown (forgot to take the antidepressant I started on when all this went down for three days) things have went far, far south. My counselor laughed her ass of at me for my actions and told me i screwed up big time in terms of trying to fix the marriage. she said if there is any hope i need to go back to what was working, try and be a better man for my sons and start coping with the idea that you will not get back together. but in a few months depending on things she may recommend that we start actual marriage counseling with her. Where I'm at the judge makes to have marriage counseling before you can get divorced and a 6th month waiting period if you have children.

[mikeylo]

I guess your marriage is finished. You aren't getting the point that I'm making. You need to show to your wife that you dumped those women. She needs to see. From now, seeing is believing and not what you think. That train has passed. She doesn't need to see your new women interaction skills at this point. What she needs now is how you dumped those women.

 

Did you humiliate those women just like you humiliated your wife for them ? Apparently no. You can't expect anything from your wife then.

 

Your posts don't sound sincere. Anyway, I guess it's done.

 

File for divorce.

 

ETA: before you move on to new women , your old women need to be erased. She needs to see that.

Edited February 18, 2017 by mikeylo

[mikeylo]

You are trying to convince her to believe you. She wants to see how you dumped those past women. This is where you are stuck. You can't move past this till you do this. I've seen this time and again.

 

You can give her all the space you want. A year or two even but it still won't give her what she needs. Rather prove in her mind that she was right and you evaded the real issue. That you actually are.

 

Space can help heal but it doesn't take the issue away. She might feel better after all the emotional exhaustion but the root issue will stay. The cycle will repeat. Space , meet , space , meet. Because the real root issue hasn't been dealt with. And one day she will decide that permanent space is better. She isn't getting what she needs rather a wishy washy make up and the emotional trauma is not worth it.

 

From your posts,it seems that you are protecting those women and I'm sure your wife knows that.

 

This is why most relationships fail while very few survive after this kind of thing.

 

Give her all the space she wants or you want but it won't take the issue away. You need courage to call out on those women in front of your wife and prove. Space doesn't do that.

[dizzydad05]

You are trying to convince her to believe you. She wants to see how you dumped those past women. This is where you are stuck. You can't move past this till you do this. I've seen this time and again.

 

You can give her all the space you want. A year or two even but it still won't give her what she needs. Rather prove in her mind that she was right and you evaded the real issue. That you actually are.

 

Space can help heal but it doesn't take the issue away. She might feel better after all the emotional exhaustion but the root issue will stay. The cycle will repeat. Space , meet , space , meet. Because the real root issue hasn't been dealt with. And one day she will decide that permanent space is better. She isn't getting what she needs rather a wishy washy make up and the emotional trauma is not worth it.

 

From your posts,it seems that you are protecting those women and I'm sure your wife knows that.

 

This is why most relationships fail while very few survive after this kind of thing.

 

Give her all the space she wants or you want but it won't take the issue away. You need courage to call out on those women in front of your wife and prove. Space doesn't do that.

 

 

I literally do not see or speak to any of the women that were an issue and have since erased any methods of contacting them. I'm not sure how I can dump them if I've already dropped them completely. Any how like yousaid I need to just man up and except my fate. I screwed up and must take responsibility... Thanks for giving it to me straight.