What is the right decision?

[Skibum03]

I have been with my fiancé for over 7 years engaged for 4 years. I ended our relationship the other night. This is not the first time I have broke it off either. Now we never had an easy relationship from the beginning, she was just getting out of a divorce from a man who used to hit her. We had lots of little issues at the beginning, she called me his name in bed, she would get jealous off every pretty that walked by. I have my own demons too, I have been cheated on by every girlfriend I have ever had. I was upfront with this and I know that I would not let it affect me we just needed to build trust. The years went on and she was no longer jealous Because I had proven to her I she could trust me. We had a lot of fights when she would drink. She would start a fight over anything, she is not fun when she drinks. She got drunk at a friends house and started hitting on my best friend, she even came over like she was walking up to me and then sat on his lap.

2 years ago at a friends wedding she got drunk at the party and followed me up to the room and began screaming at me that I had seen another girls boobs, I hadn't. She got violent and beat the crap out me I just tried to avoid hurting her while taking the beating until my friends arrived to break it up. She always claims that she was blackout and doesn't remember anything or most things. I should have left then but she promised that she would do anything to keep me. She would stop drinking, go to therapy, 2 years later none of that had happened.

 

Over thanksgiving this year she went back home to visit her family in South America where she is from. I had just started a new job and had to stay. While she was out there she called me twice a day for the most part. With time difference she could call late and I would just be getting home. One day our calls were not going through in the morning so she said she would call me later when she was done shopping. I did not get a call for over 24 hours until 7 am her time the next day. She said that she met up with an old friend and went out drinking with him and his brother and then she drove them home because they were drunk. She then went inside his house and said she just stayed up talking with him all night.....by the way I have never met this guy besides over skype when her and I were just dating and she was down there and he appears on the background completely naked! I got upset and she just tried to explain he does that as a joke...? Oh and she had previously had sex with him when she was younger so they have a past. She tells me I am over reacting and being controlling. She cannot understand why what she did was wrong. She tells me I am controling like her ex and won't let her have friends. Correct me if I wrong but staying the night at almost any other mans house is never acceptable!!

 

I still took her back again but it had only gotten worse she is always convincing me I am being controlling when I get upset when she stayes out late and doesn't text or call to tell what she is doing or if she ok. Usually only an hour or less late but can't she call or text. We are in our 30s about to start a family but she seems to want to live like she is single going out a couple times a week for a drink or two and then canceling plans with me. Even though we hardly get half a day together each week because of our schedules.

 

She has never earned my trust and done nothing but show me I can't trust her but she always throws it back that I won't let her have friends..??? I am so lost is it healthy for a partner to expect to go out all the time and not always call or text what they are doing? Am I being controlling?

[d0nnivain]

Forget the trust issues.

 

 

You two have violence problems. The minute she got violent this should have been over & you should have been long gone.

 

 

Because you have been cheated on you have trust issues. You are punishing her & trying to control her because you assume all women are cheaters. That is not true. However, her decision to spend time with this other man in another country while being engaged to you certainly didn't alleviate your anxiety.

 

 

Don't make a bad situation worse by marrying. Let this dysfunctional unhealthy relationship die the death that it should have experienced years ago.

[Skibum03]

I mean I feel like this is what I am doing by leaving her is ending it but I am confused if my behavior is controlling or not. I have never said she cannot have friends or go out without me. but she feels she should have a free pass to do what she wants, when she wants and if I get upset with the I am controlling. so am I being controlling given she has shown I can't trust her?

[Skibum03]

And you didn't answer about my trust being valid? because I have trust issues and she breaks my trust is that because of me? And her spending time with that man is only anxiety because of me? Or is it flat out wrong?

[d0nnivain]

You have trust issues. That is solely on you.

 

 

You didn't make her do anything.

 

 

Let me try to explain. I am a flirty girl. I also have a lot of male friends in part because I work in a male dominated industry. I'd be atomic if my BF tried to tell me I had to end those relationships. I know where the lines are & I don't cross them. I'm rarely alone with my opposite sex friends; if it is just the two of us, we're in public during the day. Alcohol is rarely involved but that wasn't as true when I was younger; still the not alone / alone rule applied. If it was just the two of us it was in a public space.

 

 

When I dated men who had some concerns about my buddies I tried to go out of my way to reassure them that they had nothing to worry about, but I did always refuse to end the friendships. All but one man eventually learned to trust me, even in an era before cell phones & the ability to track somebody else's movements. The guy who remained paranoid, I eventually broke up with him because I got fed up with his obsession. Several months later when I still wasn't dating the guy he most often accused me of cheating with he asked for clarification & I not-so-politely explained that he was a doofus & there had never been anything more then friendship & some minor flirting between me & the other guy. It got the message through but too little too late.

[J_C]

And you didn't answer about my trust being valid? because I have trust issues and she breaks my trust is that because of me? And her spending time with that man is only anxiety because of me? Or is it flat out wrong?

 

Your experience would make most men deep down feel uncomfortable and question what really occurred.

 

IMO - if you were number 1 she wouldn't be spending time with another man but rather texting and wanting to contact you.

 

I have been in similar situations on work functions / trips. I have always chose to ignore the other woman and head back to the hotel to call my partner. (not sure if she would do the same but well that's my story in another thread)

 

All comes down to interest level.