How to handle a break-up

[mariog]

Hello everyone, first time posting here (i hope it'll be understandable because english is not my native language).

 

Okay, here is my story. We met with my ex girlfriend 5 years ago, through our mutual friends. Not much just classic hi hi name name etc. After few months we met up again at someone's birthday party and after few drinks we ended up kissing and spending entire night together (no sex just having fun). Next day we decided "**** it lets give it a shot"(despite everyone saying that we are not compatible at all). First 3.5 - 4 years were full of happiness and passionate love. We were spending almost everyday together and making plans for future.

 

And then something happend. I think it was my fault. I became really depressed? Maybe it's not good word for describing but i lost interest in doing almost anything. I was very disappointed in how my studies were going, lost few close friends and stop engaging things with my girlfriend. I still loved her but relationship became stagnant.

 

And well. Exactly one month ago my girlfriend said that it's over. That she was thinking about this for some time and because nothing have changed she doesn't want us to be together anymore. That she still loves me altough not in the same way but she can't explain it. At first i was just like 'ok' and wanted to leave because i felt devasteted and didnt want to talk about this but after she cryed and begged i said that i need some time to think about what just happend. After few days i reached her and told that i know what i want to say. (Here comes the needy part) I said that i still love her and I'm really sad that she just gave up after all this time and if she was thinking about this for months she could've say something earlier and maybe we could've try to work it out. Also i said that i would like to try one more time because she is the most important person in the world for me and i can even wait for her. Well everyone knows what she answered. She said that she just don't want us to be together. That she is not seeing this. It's closed chapter for her. But she really wants to remaind friends (over the course of our relationship we became each others best friends). First reaction was to tell that if we cant be couple i also want to be her friend because it's better that her disappearing from my life. My excuse for acting so desperately is that it's my first such long relationship and i didn't know what to do. I was still in shock. The entire talk was really emotional from both sides so at least it showed me my ex's perspective.

 

Then i decided that i need some time for myself. I wasn't contacting her at all for i think ~10days. After that i called her asking how she was doing and if she want to meet up. She was very polite and happy over the phone so we agreed to meet soon. To keep the story not so long. From that day we talked few times and met up twice, once for dinner, once for a walk. Both times were really great. We had some laugh and talked about everything.

 

Going to the heart. I don't want to end up being friends with her. And im afraid if we just keep meeting and talking she will transist to this way of thinking. After reading several threads on this forum i see that you guys and ladies of course advice to just go no contact utill she wants to give it another try. All i want now is to become happier with my life. I would love to be her a part of it but if that's not possible, well i will suck it up. I still love her but i understand that it might be hard to get her back.

 

What will be your advice on my next movement? I know that by talking and going out with her i silently agreed to stay friends for now. If i want to do no contact should i inform her about it? Some sort of ultimatum: "I can't keep it that way. Either we try second time or there is no point in staying in touch. Contact me if you change your mind". Or just stop initiating contact and don't answer when she contact me first (but then how can she knows what the conditions are?)?

[d0nnivain]

Because she broke up with you, it's out of your control. She's not feeling it anymore. There is nothing you can do to change her mind.

 

 

At this point you handle the break up by recognizing that it's over & working on your own healing. There is no being friends or meeting up to talk. It's over. Leave her be.

[goldway90]

You mentioned being depressed, you need therapy, untreated depression can and will ruin anything. Whether you want to get back with her or not, the first thing you to tackle your own problems and work on yourself.

[SevenCity]

By being friends with her you are allowing her to ween off of you like a drug addict.

 

You need to go cold turkey and disappear. This is the only way she will know what it means not to have you in her life. Keep hanging around and you'll make a perfect situation to transition her to another guy. Moreover, your friendship is a farce. You don't want to be only her friend.

 

 

I would tell her you love her but you can't be friends. If she wants something romantic she can reach out to you but otherwise don't.

 

Then go out and find other women to date as if she comes back it will help with your objectivity.

 

As mentioned, get help for your depression.

 

And I'll leave you with this. People who love you don't run away when the going gets tough. They stick by you.

[mariog]

It wasn't exactly a depression that's why i put question mark there i don't know better word for this. I became lazy and had problems with parts of my life. I found new job some new friend and i am finally over death of one of my relatives. I just think that this was the problem. But maybe you are right. I definitely will try to talk to some therapist.

 

Yeah i think i came to same conclusion as you guys. But still need advice about telling or not telling her about going no contact from this point. I think about sending her this message:

 

"Hey. It won't work. You are not just a friend for me and you never was. We were always a couple. And i still love you. For me it's like "yeah your dog died but you can keep it". If we want to end this chapter lets just move on. Until you change your mind there is no point for us to stay in touch. Stay safe."

 

Also how should i handle meeting with friends if she is part of the group? In the meantime she became besties with some of my "favourite" female friends so shoud i avoid any meeting with them to not risk bumping on her until i fully recover?

[d0nnivain]

Announcements are not necessary. Just fade away. Do not contact her again & don't respond if she reaches out for you. You can tell other friends that you need space from her & you hope they respect that.

 

 

If you go out & she's there, smile tightly (lips closed), nod in acknowledgement and walk away. There is no need to engage with her. Hold your head up & adopt a fake it 'til you make it attitude or phrased another way, 'Never let 'em see you sweat."

[mariog]

Okay by reading Sevencity's reply i answered myself that im just grasping at straws and already know what to do. So i just sent this message and deleted her on all socials (that one was easy cause im barely using anything - funny thing that on fcb she still "figured" as my girlfriend). And to a friends part i guess i can invite them to my place if i need to spend time with them so chances of meeting her drop to 0. Thanks for all the advices guys. I think i'll keep this post updated for anyone in same situation as me and if i need another advice