J_C Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 I feel sad/heart broken. Its valentines day. This morning she turned her cheek to me when I went to give her a kiss after I said happy valentines day. I asked she said oh <insert some lame excuse> I had a large bunch of roses delivered, sent a really nice sms, spoke to her at lunch and gave her a nice pair of earrings she commented on a number of weeks ago. Every night I listen to her complaining about x y and z and support her; if i provide her advice she gets stroppy so its been a while since i have done that. We have sex approximately once a month but can't help but feel that's because she feels guilty we don't. She doesn't really get in to it. I don't feel like I am a priority, she only ever wants to be tickled (neck etc) and when I ask for a little she can't be bothered. I feel like I am here to tickle her, she doesn't want to kiss or be intimate. When I have tried to discuss it with her she says its too much drama and gets upset. I simply want her to want to kiss, hug and want to be intimate with me. We always seem to argue 1 week prior to her time of the month (funny that ) and she almost always says she wants her old life back (she had a MUCH older married man as a 'friend' for 8 years through her 20's who would zip her away on holidays around the country every month) and that I need to distract her form the problems in her life. She likes to go on holidays but finances won't support it. I am on over 100k pa and go on holidays twice a year, it doesn't seem enough. Nothing does. I pull my weight around the house, always cooking cleaning etc. I feel I made a really bad choice. We have one child together - 2 years old. Soo... she says she loves me but after the first 12 months honey moon she really just doesn't seem interested and when discussed she just gets angry. I just don't know. Yes I love her, but.. if she doesn't love me I'll pack my bags. Not going to waste my time. Has any one else been in a similarity experience? Link to post Share on other sites
teddyzain Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 If I were in your position I would try to get her to go to counseling with you so you can try to determine if there is an underlying issue rather than it just being about how she feels about you. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 Screw that ! What's counseling going to do ?! She doesn't even look open to care I'd leave screw that's ! Life's too short to fix a someone that's probably never going to change Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 It takes two. You can't do this on your own but holding onto a sliver of hope? Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 OP - Let me make sure I understand your dilemma... You do a bunch of nice things and you're upset she doesn't seem to appreciate it. Is that correct? Link to post Share on other sites
Fdb Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 Screw that ! What's counseling going to do ?! She doesn't even look open to care I'd leave screw that's ! Life's too short to fix a someone that's probably never going to change You really can change anyone. Take it or leave it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author J_C Posted February 18, 2017 Author Share Posted February 18, 2017 (edited) Thanks for your kind responses. OP - Let me make sure I understand your dilemma... You do a bunch of nice things and you're upset she doesn't seem to appreciate it. Is that correct? Not a bunch of nice things. I treat her nice because I genuinely care for her and would love to grow old with her. I always make her cups of tea, breakfast always asking if she wants anything etc. I dote on her. Get home from work and cook dinner, when she has the day off she will cook sometimes, other times its a joint effort. I'm not lazy around the house. When we do sit down out comes her iphone and she starts browsing around looking at stuff to buy. Can't even watch a movie without her on it almost all the way through. She just doesn't seem interested. Sex is crap she's always worried about smelling or that she's not perfect so 9/10 its just missionary. zero foreplay. I am fit, have good hygiene so its not like I don't brush my teeth etc. She's always stressed (mountains out of mole hills) and makes them what they are. Always thinking about problems and concerns. She worries and damn I've tried to break that out of her through distraction, getting her away and taking her on holidays once every 6 monthsish. Nothing like she her old days of jet setting. I am so tired of the turn a cheek when I go to kiss her. Happened when she left for work moments ago. (She's a nurse) A concern I have had recently is that she seems to mention every second day about other girls or I will cheat on her one day or I will do this or leave her etc.... Your life is a mirror of your thoughts? Maybe..... We have discussed counselling, she says counselling won't help anything as she has been through that before in a previous relationship. She then gets angry; I haven't brought it up since. I've decided to fly interstate next week for work. I'll collect my thoughts, read no more mr nice guy and decide where to from here. Maybe that is the issue; I've done to much around the house and given too much over the years. Edited February 18, 2017 by J_C Link to post Share on other sites
LancasterAmos1966 Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 What's counseling going to do ?! You are correct Purepony. I'm sure counseling helps those couples that really want to make their marriage work --- and have a genuine commitment that they are in the relationship until death do us part. Anything less than that kind of commitment will most likely just be a waste of good time and money. Counseling has it's place, but when someone wants out, there's no sense in stalling the inevitable. Personally, I will never go to counseling again to save a marriage or a relationship. If a spouse/family member/friend wants to walk, I'll be thankful for the time they shared with me, then begin the process of untangling my life from them. Link to post Share on other sites
LancasterAmos1966 Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 I've decided to fly interstate next week for work. I'll collect my thoughts, read no more mr nice guy and decide where to from here. Maybe that is the issue; I've done to much around the house and given too much over the years. Also try to get a copy of "Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships" -- if you can't buy a used copy, then at least read the comments on Amazon. No, you did not do too much around the house or given too much to her. You did what you thought was the proper way to show love. When a relationship goes wrong, we tend to blame ourselves, and wonder what we could have done differently. The book I mentioned above will show that when a person wants out, there's nothing that you could have done differently -- they just wanted out. That was hard for me to comprehend when my wife of 20+ years wanted out; but when she moved out from me and our 6 kids, I knew she wasn't joking. I wish I would have had the above book 10 years ago. It would have saved me 6 months of marriage counseling, and a few years of stalling the inevitable. Wishing you well, JC, in this journey. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 (edited) OP - Let me make sure I understand your dilemma... You do a bunch of nice things and you're upset she doesn't seem to appreciate it. Is that correct? This is like Ford's Theater manager asking Mary Todd Lincoln if the cause of her displeasure with the play was because it was unexpectedly cut short. It's not about a lack of tit-for-tat pleasantries and good deeds, but rather a chronic lack of connection, affection and intimacy. Edited February 19, 2017 by oldshirt Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 A concern I have had recently is that she seems to mention every second day about other girls or I will cheat on her one day or I will do this or leave her etc.... Your life is a mirror of your thoughts? Maybe..... I think there is truth to that. I am not suggesting she is cheating (although it would be prudent to rule that out through checking her phone records, email, social media, investigating any periods of unaccounted time etc etc) But IMHO cheaters are some of the most suspicious and jealous people out there because they understand the cheater's heart. While this may not necessarily be about cheating per se, it could easily indicate that she fully knows that you are dissatisfied and questioning the merits of the relationship. ......and those merits do need to be questioned. IMHO you do have rightful cause for consideration of all options. I think your situation is likely more serious than you are giving credit. Something's gotta give here. If she is not willing to do MC or at least be willing to have some serious sit-down discussions to address these issues, there will be serious ramifications. She doesn't seem to take you or this situation too seriously and seems pretty unconcerned with your wishes. You may need to take some serious action for her to wake up and see the situation for what it is. (and by serious actions, I mean things on the scale of moving out, filing for legal separation, seeing lawyers and planning towards your future without her. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 It happened before in her past relationship with someone. So had did it turn out? Well for one in ended. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Check your phone bill Link to post Share on other sites
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