Davidh22 Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 I honestly can't believe I'm writing this as it hit me out of the blue this morning and I am still in phase one of shock to be honest. My girlfriend was away a work function a few weeks ago where an ex boyfriend who is now married was there and they got talking and drinking. He ended up insisting to walk her back to her room (who she was sharing with another girl) and then kissed her to which she says she stopped it, but then he tried again and she admitted letting this happen for 10 seconds or so. She cut it off and said she loves me and shouldn't be doing this, he tried more but she got into her room and that was that. So she sat on this for a week not knowing what to do, they guy has zero links to me or her (lives in a different country) and I would never have found out at all if she didn't confess I suppose. She has been crying non stop and telling me how much she regrets, how she want to spend all her life with me etc etc and that she will do anything to make this work. My head and heart are all over the place, I love her so much and I would like to think this was a dumb mistake, and in all honesty I know how being really drunk can mess up judgement, though not using this as an excuse, I suppose I don't want to end this, but I just don't know what to do. Should I give her a second chance or not? Link to post Share on other sites
emsx0x Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 To me cheating is a huge sign of unhappiness in a relationship but that is the rule, of course there are exceptions to every rule. If she shows any other sign of being untrustworthy or unhappy in the relationship then I would say it is time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 She doesn't have enough discipline when she drinks to know when to not get so drunk that she can't stand in her truth. Perhaps it's time for her to stop drinking if it's leading her to do things she then sits on for a week crying her eyes out over. I don't consider what she did cheating, but I do consider it a gross lapse in judgment and proof that she should stop drinking. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Yes, you should give her another chance. She stopped him. She told you. He's in another country. Be happy she is honest. Find a way to work through this. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
AdentureWithMe Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 It was good she told you about it, shows that she honestly feels bad, is honest with you and wants to try to make things right. Also from how you described that she described it, kinda sounds like the guy was drunk and forced himself on her. Sure it takes 2 to kiss, but she told him to stop and he kept doing it (sexual assult). This guy is also married and a huge drunken D to be doing that. Sounds like your gf was also taken advantage of by him while she was drunk. I wouldn't break up with her over this. She was upfront and honest and obviously feels bad. This jerk also lives in another country, I'd be more upset with the guy who forced his drunk married self on my gf. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Did you know this ex was going to be attending this business gathering before she told you all this? Link to post Share on other sites
morrowrd Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Unfortunately, drinking is no excuse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 She didn't wakeup that morning and said, I'm going to get so intoxicated and let my ex kiss me. When people are enjoying themselves, they don't realize how much alcohol they have consumed until they stand up to leave. I know there are times I have drank only a few and felt the effects like I had way more. So it's possible she wasn't drinking to the point you would call "irresponsible". She trusted him, and thought it would be ok to not be walking alone to her room anyways. He forced himself onto her, and in a flash she realized what was taking place and put a stop to it. She's lucky she go away from him, and it could have turned into something more sinister on his part, turning into a rape. I agree, she feels horrible, but has taken responsibility for her actions and came clean about it. Visibly she is very remorseful. I think you should give her another chance. I would not label her as a cheater. It was a lesson learned. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Davidh22 Posted February 15, 2017 Author Share Posted February 15, 2017 Thanks so much guys. No she didn't know this guy would be there and yes drinking is no excuse, though a lot of drink does effect you to a certain extent! I am happy though to hear thoughts along what I was thinking, I know she has done a bad thing in kissing the guy for ten seconds or so, but for the most part I know she didn't initiate any of it and certainly didn't want it to happen. She is still, as we speak, in a lot of stress and crying her heart out in the next room, but I really feel I should give her another chance also. Not as I'm feeling sorry for her in such pain (though I am) but we have such a great relationship I think its just worth another chance. I will have a hard time getting over that she kissed the guy for a short period of time and I know she might have been more forceful to say no but thats me. I just hope I can get over this. Thinking to just basically banish the whole thing to the depths of earth and never talk of it again, would you think that would be the best option going forward? Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 I honestly can't believe I'm writing this as it hit me out of the blue this morning and I am still in phase one of shock to be honest. My girlfriend was away a work function a few weeks ago where an ex boyfriend who is now married was there and they got talking and drinking. He ended up insisting to walk her back to her room (who she was sharing with another girl) and then kissed her to which she says she stopped it, but then he tried again and she admitted letting this happen for 10 seconds or so. She cut it off and said she loves me and shouldn't be doing this, he tried more but she got into her room and that was that. So she sat on this for a week not knowing what to do, they guy has zero links to me or her (lives in a different country) and I would never have found out at all if she didn't confess I suppose. She has been crying non stop and telling me how much she regrets, how she want to spend all her life with me etc etc and that she will do anything to make this work. My head and heart are all over the place, I love her so much and I would like to think this was a dumb mistake, and in all honesty I know how being really drunk can mess up judgement, though not using this as an excuse, I suppose I don't want to end this, but I just don't know what to do. Should I give her a second chance or not? Please be advised that rarely does somebody get the actual true story the first time around. Sitting on it for a week shows more of a knack for hoping it goes away as opposed to feeling very awful about it. You say this guy has zero links to you, then if that is the case why even say anything to you at all? If she had a week to sit on it she would ave been just as eager to never tell you. If I were you I would wonder if someone perhaps saw it or knew about it and threatened to tell you if she didn't, nd you gt the PG version of it in hopes she could stem the tide. Again, people expose themselves usually not out of guilt, but as a means to get out ahead of something for fear of somebody spilling the beans on them. Again, a week of keeping her mouth shut and all of a sudden she admits to a kiss? I would not be buying that. Especially with drinking involved. I would be very suspicious given how she went about it that it ended with a 10 second kiss. You only know what she told you. You weren't there. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 She is still, as we speak, in a lot of stress and crying her heart out in the next room . Which would tell me there was a little more to the story that you don't quite know and may never know. Continue this relationship at your own peril. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 Honestly, it sounds a bit off. I mean she stops him the first time then he goes for it again and then a third attempt? These things are like textbooks, it takes several attempts to get it right. Even when confessing there tends to be a degree of minimizing. If I had to bet, I would say it was more of a make out session then a short kiss. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TobyBoy Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 Probably more happen than just a kiss. I think deep down........you do too Davidh Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 I would be on guard. As posters have said, alcohol is no excuse. Given how she described the suspicious situation and the three attempts, she is probably crying more over the fear and shame of being labelled and her own confusion then losing YOU. I hope that's not the case and I'm wrong. If your spidey senses start tingling as things play out and you feel she isnt on the level, then NEXT her. Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 If what she says is true (and when these things happen I really doubt the full story is told from the start) then maybe she deserves a second chance. But you guys really need to have a conversation about boundaries and what she's willing to do to make sure nothing like this happens again. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 I think she has learned a very valuable lesson, and I doubt very much she is going to do any sort of thing again. That is what life is all about....learning from our mistakes, growing more mature from the experience, and move on making better choices in situations we will find ourselves in. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Deonce Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 Honestly, she cheated on you and I doubt that she told you the truth about everything that happened. I would break up with her, but if you decide to stay in this relationship, be cautious. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 Yes, you should give her another chance. She stopped him. She told you. He's in another country. Be happy she is honest. Find a way to work through this. I would agree but my friend did the same thing, and the truth was she was making out with the guy all night and just wanted to tell her bf half assed truth. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 Thanks so much guys. No she didn't know this guy would be there and yes drinking is no excuse, though a lot of drink does effect you to a certain extent! I am happy though to hear thoughts along what I was thinking, I know she has done a bad thing in kissing the guy for ten seconds or so, but for the most part I know she didn't initiate any of it and certainly didn't want it to happen. She is still, as we speak, in a lot of stress and crying her heart out in the next room, but I really feel I should give her another chance also. Not as I'm feeling sorry for her in such pain (though I am) but we have such a great relationship I think its just worth another chance. I will have a hard time getting over that she kissed the guy for a short period of time and I know she might have been more forceful to say no but thats me. I just hope I can get over this. Thinking to just basically banish the whole thing to the depths of earth and never talk of it again, would you think that would be the best option going forward? Get a stopwatch. Put your hand to your mouth. Start stopwatch and count 10 seconds. 10 seconds of pure kissing. That's a long time. She may have regretted it but what would worry me was after the first kiss she was curious enough to let the second longer kiss happen. Now your dilemma is, she's sort of cheated once and you'll probably forgive her but being young and having the ability to attract dudes there might come a time there's a guy she's attracted to and she's already tested out the waters of curiosity to see what it's like and she gotten away with it, as the saying goes Cheating is always easier the second time around. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Davidh22 Posted February 16, 2017 Author Share Posted February 16, 2017 Lots of mixed responses, which is to be expected I suppose and kind of where my head is at right now! So over the last day or so I'm more than happy that she has told me absolutely everything and trust me she has been interrogated! So theres good points an bad such as yes she confessed, no she didn't initiate or pursue it and she pushed him off and realised it was really wrong, along with being very drunk as a minor thing that doesn't help. Bad things though, which are the fact she did just kind of give in and make out with the guy for a short period of time and I'm not stupid enough to not realise she probably didn't mind it at this point. Also lets face it past feelings may have been in the way and she has admitted since this may have confused her but now she knows for sure that he means nothing and she was desperate with guilt and regret since waking up that morning. Non of that is good, I mean, next time i see an ex and get old feelings coming back am I supposed to get drunk and kiss her, no of course not! Hand on heart I know she knows how awful a mistake this was and she is willing to do anything to work this out, even practical things like speaking to someone about this, not drinking so much ever again etc I think my main thoughts are that before this we had been in such an amazing relationship, best friends, living together and even planning the long term future, I was sure I was going to be with her forever, so I really want to work this out and I'm hoping I can get over it. One side of me says she is a selfish, arsehole for doing this and maybe she doesn't love me as much as she thinks. The other side is saying everyone messes up and makes mistakes, like a lot of us do, and if you can't forgive her and give it a chance I'm a idiot. I'm just struggling to move forward with this, does anyone have any advise of practice things I can do to get past it? She has also mentioned she would get in touch with the guy (with me seeing) and telling him I know, just so he doesn't think about contacting in the future, as he works in the same company albeit on a different continent. (He is not on any of her social media or had contact anyway in years) Is that a good idea or not? I mean it may make him very nervous to what I would do and he might confess to his wife which may break up a marriage, but hey the guy knew what he was doing didn't he. Thanks again everyone for all your help! Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 She said saying she will tell him so you don't confront him and get the real story. If he reached out to you what would it matter if you already know? She's controlling the scenario to hide something. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 She said saying she will tell him so you don't confront him and get the real story. If he reached out to you what would it matter if you already know? She's controlling the scenario to hide something. My thoughts exactly after reading his last post. She is totally out in front of this thing which leads me to think she is experienced in this department or she is trying to control information. She is willing to do anything? Suggest a polygraph and watch her reaction. If she is being honest the odds are high she will agree without hesitation. If she is hiding things she will likely get upset begin to gaslight or turn it around on you likely something about trust. I know the urge is to believe her and take her word on face value, but cheaters lie, most very convincingly, couple that with you wanting to believe it's a recipe for a long horrible relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Davidh22 Posted February 16, 2017 Author Share Posted February 16, 2017 (edited) Sorry guys, probably mis-led you all a bit there. I suggested she do that so he knows he's been caught out and tbh just for a bit of petty revenge, she then said yes she will do that and would be happy to do pretty much anything else I asked. I did suggest crazy things like a polygraph and as I keep saying she is happy to do anything. I know all of this is pure speculation, as lets face it even if I am 99% certain she has told me everything we will never know for sure. All I can go on is how she usually behaves etc, and this is really not in line with it. Again we can speculate that she may be the worlds best liar but at the end of the day I think you have to go with your gut, and my gut tells me she is being truthful. She didn't have to tell me, which I think was a really good sign as if I was a cheater why would I own up to it? ...... Also just to add I actually just asked if I can contact him directly and she has no problem if thats what I want to do. Edited February 16, 2017 by Davidh22 Link to post Share on other sites
lionlover1973 Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 An innocuous kiss perhaps, trust was still broken at some level. I've had some experience in this regard, in the end, it was a "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me" outcome. If you can pinpoint the cause(s) behind the betrayal perhaps trust can be rebuilt, collaboratively. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 (edited) She has also mentioned she would get in touch with the guy (with me seeing) and telling him I know, just so he doesn't think about contacting in the future, as he works in the same company albeit on a different continent. (He is not on any of her social media or had contact anyway in years) Is that a good idea or not? I mean it may make him very nervous to what I would do and he might confess to his wife which may break up a marriage, but hey the guy knew what he was doing didn't he. What the hell are you thinking? Dude, this guy is not the problem, it's your GF who is the problem. This guy could give 2 craps what you think. Why would your GF even put out there such an insane idea? He isn't scared of a single thing and I still doubt very highly you have the full story. You think he is going to up and tell his wife because he thinks you know? LMFAO!!!! You need to understand a couple of things. 1. Unless you are prepared to actually follow through with threats like this, don't put them out there. Obviously you are not in much of a position to be threatening anything being you are basing all of this on what your girlfriend sheepishly told you. again, this guy does not give a whit about you knowing nor does he even think you will expose him. 2. Allowing her to remain in contact with him is doing just that. Allowing them to remain in contact. They work for the same company, which regardless of the difference in location, is very disheartening. Aside from that, what specific proactive actions is she going to take in order to "do anything" to make this right? Look, you may think we are just a bunch of bitter people but myself and others who are asking you to be cautious have seen a lot of stories like yours come through here that started off with just a kiss. Those stories then progressed to "well we were together but didn't have sex". and then it became 'well we had sex once, but we used protection". Then it finally comes out that "we had sex multiple times that night, and no we didn't use protection." I am just pointing out to you that from where I sit this is all a bit too neat and tidy and you seem more ready to just wrap this up and sweep it under the rug. Her contacting him again is asking for them to get a on the same page with a story in the event you do call her bluff. In any event, by showing your hand you stand a good chance to be gaslit and this may happen again. Alcohol is no excuse and what your gf did was not a mistake. I am afraid you are in for a world of hurt in the future. Edited February 16, 2017 by Space Ritual 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts