Is my husband about to cheat or just flirting harmlessly?

[Liviebee06]

Hi,

 

Id really appreciate some prospective on this issue please, I really need some objective opinions.

 

Today I had a look at my husband's phone ( it was lying beside me and I got a bit bored) and a had a quick look at the phone and came across this conversation between my husband a woman.

 

Woman: Happy Valentines day.

 

My Husband : Same to you.

 

Woman: Really?

 

Husband: yeah.

 

Woman: well I'm alone, nobody to spend the Val's day with or to have good sex with.

 

Husband: You're alone?

 

Woman: Yeah

 

Husband: I'm at home with my family.

 

Husband: Too late and can't leave now.

 

That was where the conversation stopped. I checked his phone 30 mins later and the conversation had been deleted by my husband.

 

What do I take from this exchange? I don't know if he was flirting harmlessly or intending to do more? I'm not thinking straight right now so would really appreciate some opinions. Many thanks.

[elaine567]

Sorry, but that's not harmless flirting.

Edited February 15, 2017 by elaine567
removed quote

[BaileyB]

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

In my humble opinion, it's never really acceptable for a married man to flirt with another woman. I would be very suspicious too...

[d0nnivain]

The "too late, can't leave now" took this over the line. It's more then harmless flirting. I suspect a PA. Talk to him about what you read & get a STD test.

[Liviebee06]

Many thanks for your responses. I'm just so frustrated... really am.

 

Only a few weeks ago, I saw a chat on his phone between my husband and a woman he used to have a fling with before he married me. The woman had just come into town and messaged him and their conversation became a but overly friendly. He basically agreed to meet up with her ( he claims she was in town to see her boyfriend but that means nothing really). Anyway I saw the messages and spoke to him about them and he swore that he had no intention to do anything wrong and was just going to meet up with her to catch up as friends ( this is someone he used to have sex with btw!). Anyway he promised he would no longer communicate with her and told me he expressly told her that i, his wife didn't approve of their interactions and it would therefore be best for them to not communicate anymore. So he cut off the friendship.

 

Now this?! Why I'm reluctant to address this event is that I suspect that he'll find a way to spin it.

[elaine567]

DON'T confront him yet, he will just lie and then cover his tracks.

It won't stop him, he will just be more careful.

If you want to find out what is really going on, say nothing but keep your eyes and ears open and go into detective mode.

 

I also suspect a PA.

If this was harmless flirting, there would have have been more banter, more innuendo, more actual flirting.

This was more of an info exchange.

She wanted him to come over, but as it was late and he was already home so he couldn't get away. No need then to say any more.

[Liviebee06]

The "too late, can't leave now" took this over the line. It's more then harmless flirting. I suspect a PA. Talk to him about what you read & get a STD test.

 

Hi, would like to confirm if PA= physical affair? My goodness it never occurred to me that they could be having an ongoing affair. I just assumed that she messaged him out of the blue but now you mention it, doesn't sound like it was a first time conversation. Why on earth would he tell her that it was late and that he couldn't leave?

 

He's strenuously denied cheating on me so many times. Is it possible for someone to lie through his teeth and so convincingly? Can't believe this is happening on valentines day...

[BaileyB]

"He's denied cheating so many times..."

 

Does this sound like a healthy relationship with someone you love and trust? What is happening in your marriage that you are constantly having to ask your husband if he's cheating and he is constantly denying what I can only expect is, suspicious behavior?

 

Something to think about.

[Liviebee06]

DON'T confront him yet, he will just lie and then cover his tracks.

It won't stop him, he will just be more careful.

If you want to find out what is really going on, say nothing but keep your eyes and ears open and go into detective mode.

 

I also suspect a PA.

If this was harmless flirting, there would have have been more banter, more innuendo, more actual flirting.

This was more of an info exchange.

She wanted him to come over, but as it was late and he was already home so he couldn't get away. No need then to say any more.

 

It is difficult to accept but it all adds up when you read the language of the conversation. After the earlier incident regarding his conversation with the woman he used to have a fling with, he agreed to be more open and to always tell me if any women messaged him for sexual or wrong reasons. It is crazy because only this evening, I jokingly asked if he had received any messages from any of those women ( he claims that they initiate conversation and he can't stop then from messaging him) and he denied that he had received any messages.

[hippychick3]

Hi, would like to confirm if PA= physical affair? My goodness it never occurred to me that they could be having an ongoing affair. I just assumed that she messaged him out of the blue but now you mention it, doesn't sound like it was a first time conversation. Why on earth would he tell her that it was late and that he couldn't leave?

 

He's strenuously denied cheating on me so many times. Is it possible for someone to lie through his teeth and so convincingly? Can't believe this is happening on valentines day...

 

Vday is a common time for cheaters to get caught as their mistresses expect to see their affair partners on that day.

[Liviebee06]

"He's denied cheating so many times..."

 

Does this sound like a healthy relationship with someone you love and trust? What is happening in your marriage that you are constantly having to ask your husband if he's cheating and he is constantly denying what I can only expect is, suspicious behavior?

 

Something to think about.

 

By " many times" I'm referring to the incident with the woman he had planned to meet up with. Following that incident, I became suspicious.

[BaileyB]

By " many times" I'm referring to the incident with the woman he had planned to meet up with. Following that incident, I became suspicious.

 

Sorry, I wondered if there was more to the story.

 

Did he really say that they messaged him and he can't stop them? That absolves him nicely from talking or flirting with these women... It's all them, he didn't initiate it or encourage it. But, he could certainly stop it.

Edited February 15, 2017 by BaileyB

[Onnanoko]

This does not sound like flirtation to me. Also, what is your husband doing texting another woman? Especially talking about "having good sex"?

 

Your husband's last text to her saying that "it is too late and I can't leave now" is especially troubling and completely indicative (at least to me) that he has intentions of committing adultery.

 

What if he was not with you and your children when that text came through? Would he have left the house and met up with this other woman to have sex? Who knows, but I seriously think you need to consider this possibility.

 

Has your husband ever spontaneously left the house before and told you he was going to the store but then he was gone for an hour or longer?

 

Instead of confronting him about this, you should observe his behavior for the next few weeks to see if he comes home very late from work or if he decides to leave the house to go somewhere.

 

The fact that your husband left his phone unattended and unlocked for a time and then decided to delete the suspicious text conversation a half an hour later is puzzling and disturbing.

 

If I were you, I would not continue to have sexual relations with your husband until you know exactly what is going on. You should also get tested for sexually transmitted diseases just to be sure he has not infected you.

 

Are you planning on discussing this inappropriate text conversation with him or are you going to observe him a bit longer to see if he exhibits any behaviour that could be indicative of him cheating on you?

[SoleMate]

Flirting, to me, is a giggly compliment or two that could be happily shared with your grandmother. "OOhhh, you're strong" or "You really light up the room" or something like that. A mild exchange that leaves each party smiling.

 

Attempting to set up a sleazy hookup on the downlow is not flirting, it is straight-up attempted cheating.

[BettyDraper]

He's cheating. I'm sorry.

[Mr. Lucky]

Only a few weeks ago, I saw a chat on his phone between my husband and a woman he used to have a fling with before he married me.

 

Today I had a look at my husband's phone ( it was lying beside me and I got a bit bored) and a had a quick look at the phone and came across this conversation between my husband a woman.

 

Why not just admit you're monitoring his phone? Heck, at this point you'd be crazy not to. I'd also be looking at his email, social media and financial accounts. In your situation, knowledge is power and "too late and can't leave now" implies at some point he'll be available.

 

Sorry you find yourself in this mess...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

He's having inappropriate friendships and talks with ex's. ASK him how he would feel if you were texting and seeing your ex boyfriends? Deleting texts etc.

 

You make it clear to him that he has a choice to make, commit to you and you only, start reconnecting and being a husband to you or he can pack his bags and move out to be with his ex's.

 

Does he go out a lot on his own? Think back are there any circumstances that he went away for a weekend or left you in the night or came home extremely late?

 

He may not be physically cheating but he is up to no good by flirting and keeping contact with ex's.

[AlmostFamous]

It sounds like if the woman had text him earlier he may have found a reason to leave the house. I think you have some problems ahead. Beware and be on the look out so that you are not the "odd man out" so to speak. I wish you well.

[sandylee1]

No woman would out of the blue tell a man she's got nobody to have good sex with, unless the two had previously had intimate discussions or a relationship of some sort.

 

He has previously given her reasons to think he's open to more with her. This woman knows he's married and has to know her line of conversation is inappropriate with a married man.

 

And he can stop the women messaging him by blocking them.

[Liviebee06]

Sorry, I wondered if there was more to the story.

 

Did he really say that they messaged him and he can't stop them? That absolves him nicely from talking or flirting with these women... It's all them, he didn't initiate it or encourage it. But, he could certainly stop it.

 

Thas okay, thank you for your response. Yes, he gives the impression that they come on to him, it's all them which may be true but there's no reason to entertain such attention. He claims to have taken measures to stop them from communciating with him after I told him to do so.

[mikeylo]

Thas okay, thank you for your response. Yes, he gives the impression that they come on to him, it's all them which may be true but there's no reason to entertain such attention. He claims to have taken measures to stop them from communciating with him after I told him to do so.

 

How many guys send you sleazy , sexually explicit or flirty messages in a day ? Probably not even one. Why ? Because YOU don't allow. He allows. Rather he Wants them to. Let me tell you -- No woman or man will just get up one day and start this behavior with someone till they have been given the green light.

 

Your husband wants to. So those women do it. Both morally low character. Your husband, because, well he is taken. Those women , because they know he is taken. Like attracts like !

 

Such people will do everything in your face and still deny anything wrong except your thinking.

[Liviebee06]

This does not sound like flirtation to me. Also, what is your husband doing texting another woman? Especially talking about "having good sex"?

 

Your husband's last text to her saying that "it is too late and I can't leave now" is especially troubling and completely indicative (at least to me) that he has intentions of committing adultery.

 

What if he was not with you and your children when that text came through? Would he have left the house and met up with this other woman to have sex? Who knows, but I seriously think you need to consider this possibility.

 

Has your husband ever spontaneously left the house before and told you he was going to the store but then he was gone for an hour or longer?

 

Instead of confronting him about this, you should observe his behavior for the next few weeks to see if he comes home very late from work or if he decides to leave the house to go somewhere.

 

The fact that your husband left his phone unattended and unlocked for a time and then decided to delete the suspicious text conversation a half an hour later is puzzling and disturbing.

 

If I were you, I would not continue to have sexual relations with your husband until you know exactly what is going on. You should also get tested for sexually transmitted diseases just to be sure he has not infected you.

 

Are you planning on discussing this inappropriate text conversation with him or are you going to observe him a bit longer to see if he exhibits any behaviour that could be indicative of him cheating on you?

 

 

 

He has a lot of autonomy in that he goes to work and returns usually at night. He says he comes home after work, on a few occasions he's visited a few friends ( who knows who he was really visiting).

 

I have his password and he has mine. We had and eventually resolved some issues and agreed to be transparent and accountable with each other. Now, he was chatting with this lady when I was fast asleep on the sofa. Then he put or young son to bed and woke me up. I went to bed and his phone was beside me, I don't think it clicked to him that I was so clsoe to his phone until a few minutes later when he came to the room ( for apparently no other purpose ) than to get his phone. At this point I had read the messages and placed the phone back. He did seem a bit edgy, It's difficult to put it into words. I was still trying to process what I had read and was a bit quiet when he asked if the reason why I was quiet was due to fatigue. He was trying to ascertain indirectly, if I had seen the messages, if that makes any sense.

 

I think I'm going to observe him a bit. I know him, if I confront him now he'll find a way to spin it in his favour, he might say that he had no intention to see her hence why he told her he was with his family, but of course that's not an accurate interpretation of the conversation because be expressly told her that he couldn't leave and it was too late. Informing her that he was spending Val's days with family was probably him telling her that he was occupied at that moment and couldn't get out, as opposed to rejecting her advances.

 

I will also get tested and suspend sex. Very many thanks...

Edited February 15, 2017 by Liviebee06

[Liviebee06]

He's having inappropriate friendships and talks with ex's. ASK him how he would feel if you were texting and seeing your ex boyfriends? Deleting texts etc.

 

You make it clear to him that he has a choice to make, commit to you and you only, start reconnecting and being a husband to you or he can pack his bags and move out to be with his ex's.

 

Does he go out a lot on his own? Think back are there any circumstances that he went away for a weekend or left you in the night or came home extremely late?

 

He may not be physically cheating but he is up to no good by flirting and keeping contact with ex's.

 

I mentioned all those things to him which was when he swore to cut off contact with all those girls who were messaging him. He goes to work Monday- Fridays, I'm currently on maternity leave so off work for a few more months, so I spend a lot of time at home. His official closing time is 6 pm so he gets home anytime between 6pm-9pm, sometimes slightly later (10pm). He also leaves his office during the day sometimes to attend meetings.

[Liviebee06]

How many guys send you sleazy , sexually explicit or flirty messages in a day ? Probably not even one. Why ? Because YOU don't allow. He allows. Rather he Wants them to. Let me tell you -- No woman or man will just get up one day and start this behavior with someone till they have been given the green light.

 

Your husband wants to. So those women do it. Both morally low character. Your husband, because, well he is taken. Those women , because they know he is taken. Like attracts like !

 

Such people will do everything in your face and still deny anything wrong except your thinking.

 

 

Not one person. I couldn't imagine having such conversations or anything of that nature with a man. I've cut off from all and any exes and former admirers. I haven't given him the green light or indicated that it's okay to do these things but I've admittedly not taken a firm enough stance against activities by accepting his excuses for such behaviour such as " we were only going to have ice cream, I had no bad intentions" and " they're the ones who message me, I can't stop women from messaging me" etc.

[Liviebee06]

I've decided to wait it out and see what happens next. This incident will have to be addressed at the appropriate time but I'm tired of receiving denials from

Him and the mental manipulation making me think that I've got it all wrong.

 

 

He wrote me a beautiful valentines day card with a lovely message but aware that even cheats are able to do such things. He isn't surrounded by great people, many of his friends have a permissive attitude towards cheating but I can't dictate who he should be friends with. I recently discovered that one of his friend's, actually his best friend slept with two women the night before his wedding, at his bachelor's party! This is his best friend btw.