Is my husband about to cheat or just flirting harmlessly?

[amaysngrace]

If it was an innocent conversation why did he delete it?

 

You're not crazy. Shame on him for trying to make you believe that you are, while carrying his child no less.

[understand50]

Liviebee06,

 

At this point actions will tell or not. He will go transparent, cut off contact and TALK to you when this sort of thing happens. In the end good communication, and a honest open life going forward will be the fix. This is required in any good marriage.

 

I wish you luck....

[mikeylo]

Your husband is giving them the green light to continue. He is trying to come across as someone who is being harassed! He isn't a little boy who doesn't know how to put someone in their place!

 

That said , of course his choice of friends has a lot of influence on him and says volumes about him. He is choosing to be friends with them. They are not holding a gun over him for Christs sake !

 

There is a word for the mental manipulation he is doing on you. Google gaslighting.

[ShatteredLady]

Reading these forums I'm shocked & horrified by how many men cheat on their pregnant wives! To me it's unthinkable but apparently there are psychological 'reasons' behind it.

 

I'm so terribly sorry that this is happening to you....it IS happening! There is absolutely no innocent way to read those messages. Does he have a history of cheating on past partners? Was he single when you first got together? How long have you been together/married? Is this your first child with him? Does he have other children? If so, what kind of father is he?

 

I've been in a situation similar to yours. In my experience it's pointless asking him about this. I was amazed by how convincingly my husband lied & twisted things. He deserved an Oscar!! I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't lived it. He says that there's no alternative to 'trickle truth' & 'gaslighting'...he "Didn't want to get caught. He didn't want to hurt me!".

 

Try to control your emotions & do some investigating (easier said than done. I know!) he will be more careful if he thinks you're suspicious.

 

Please take care of yourself. I know how traumatic this can be. Try to stay calm, eat healthy, sleep. Best wishes for you & your baby. This should be such a wonderful time for you. Again, I'm so very sorry.

[minimariah]

Husband: Too late and can't leave now.

 

this sounds REALLY bad... i'm sorry.

 

i don't know, you should probably rethink this relationship - like others pointed out, it doesn't seem healthy. it doesn't look like it makes you happy. you can either try to talk about it with him OR go the "detective" route... i'd suggest detective because it doesn't seem like he'll tell you the truth. sometimes, it's a good thing to do - a good trick - to ease your own soul... even though... when it comes to that point? you're relationship most likely already came to an end.

 

it does seem like a PA, like he's only in it for the sex and she wants more. OR the PA is not on and they really are just friends, she wants more and he's politely turning her down - he didn't message her 1st, she seems a bit snarky and he refused to meet with her.

[ShatteredLady]

Hi,

 

Id really appreciate some prospective on this issue please, I really need some objective opinions.

 

Today I had a look at my husband's phone ( it was lying beside me and I got a bit bored) and a had a quick look at the phone and came across this conversation between my husband a woman.

 

Woman: Happy Valentines day.

 

My Husband : Same to you.

 

Woman: Really?

 

Husband: yeah.

 

Woman: well I'm alone, nobody to spend the Val's day with or to have good sex with.

 

Husband: You're alone?

 

Woman: Yeah

 

Husband: I'm at home with my family.

 

Husband: Too late and can't leave now.

 

That was where the conversation stopped. I checked his phone 30 mins later and the conversation had been deleted by my husband.

 

What do I take from this exchange? I don't know if he was flirting harmlessly or intending to do more? I'm not thinking straight right now so would really appreciate some opinions. Many thanks.

 

 

It seems like he's had a 'problem' with his OW. The way she asks "Really?" over the Happy Valentines...she's asking if he really means it, if he's being sincere. He seems surprised that she's alone on Valentine's "You're alone?". I wonder if she told him she was going to date or was dating & he had issues/jealousy over that.

 

I'm sorry. This really sounds like a relationship. The "I'm at home with my family" then followed by "Too late & cant leave now" (how long between the last 2 messages) seems like a reassurance that he would have gone to see her if it wasn't "too late".

 

If you really read the string of messages this sounds like a complex relationship that's having issues. I'd go back quite a way when searching for 'evidence', months not weeks or days.

 

Has he been more tied to his phone lately? Does he take it to the bathroom, bedroom when you're not there? I'd check his computer for apps that you don't expect to be there. Search of her 'name' that's with the messages you saw. Did you recognize the name? Did it have a work address or couldn't you tell? My husband had a hidden email account that wasn't obvious until I clicked-on 'select email' account.

 

It's the beginning of the 'relationship', before the real guilt kicked in, that my H had forgotten to delete. He didn't expect me to check LinkedIn. They started there & quickly moved to a secret email account. Messaging apps are popular in affairs.

 

I'm sorry about this. Do you know what you'll do if/when you find the evidence? I went into shock & I regret the way I behaved...very weak & passive. I cried, vomited, couldn't sleep for days.

 

He didn't immediately stop contact with her!! I believe if I'd been stronger (not whimpering) a lot less emotional damage would have happened. It wasn't until I threatened divorce that he apologized & begged me to stay. He became accusatory, defensive & mean at the start. That's incredibly hard to recover from.

[Birdies]

He is 100% cheating on you, I'm sorry. There's no way that text conversation would happen between two people who are not routinely physically intimate.

 

He's also deleting messages, so if you want to catch him, you'll have to do it another way. One common recommendation is to put a Voice Activated Recorder in his car to catch him calling the woman (women?).

 

One question though, does it really matter if you "catch" him? You already know, and he already knows. I know you're pregnant, but this guy sounds like a douche and you'd be better off without him.

[Liviebee06]

Thank you so much for all your responses.

 

 

It's so difficult pretending like all's well but I'm putting up a good effort.

 

A few weeks ago, we agreed that in the interest of transparency and accountability and in order to build trust, we would always tell each other about any interest received/ advances made from members of the opposite sex ( this was really targeted at him). No more hiding of messages and having clandestine conversations with women etc. We would be open with each other in order to avoid entertaining temptation. So a week and a half ago, a random woman messaged him on facebook trying to flirt with him. "Hey handsome, I know you're married but just thought to say hello" and my husband took a snap shot of the message and sent it to me. He said to me "we pledged to be open with each other so here's what happened, this lady has been messaging me and I ignored her messages". I thought he was trying to be honest etc.

 

 

Fast forward to last night, we were sitting on the sofa and I was trying as hard as possible to act normal and then I asked him casually "if he had received any messages from any ladies in recent times. I was hoping desperately that he would tell me about the valentines day messages I saw on his phone ( if truly he had nothing to hide), sadly he didn't. He denied that he had received messages from any women in recent times except the facebook message. He also said so convincingly " if you want me to make up stories, I will, I haven't received any messages apart from the facebook one I told you about". He lied to me. Why is he happy to tell me about the facebook messages but not his what's app exchange? I think I know the answer to that, sadly.

 

I checked his phone last night when he was asleep and it had been cleared out ie no messages from women, but I was able to get the woman's number from his phone and save it on my what's app. I saw her picture, she was wearing a very scanty one piece swim suit with her butt on full display ( the bottom of the swim suit is a tiny g- string so all her butt cheeks and just about every part of her butt is on full display ( from the side view) and she's posing on a roof top. I don't know what to make of it, it's a very provocative picture which she's flaunting to the world. Is she a stripper?

 

 

He's good at clearing up his tracks, it was just a stroke of luck that enabled me come across that conversation on Val's day which he forgot to delete. Considering what to do from here now... not sure how much longer I can keep up this charade for...

Edited February 16, 2017 by Liviebee06

[elaine567]

If need proof and you can afford it, then hire a PI.

If not then go through his credit card bills, his phone bills, go look through your house and garage and his car and see if he is hiding another phone/laptop. He may have procured a burner phone now he knows you are monitoring him.

Put a VAR in his car or anywhere else he may use to contact other woman. If for instance he spends a lot of time in the garage or garden shed then go look there and hide the VAR in there.

If he is always "working late" then go secretly to his work and watch him leave and follow him if he obviously not going home.

As you are pregnant do not put yourself in danger though.

 

BUT the reality is that we know he is cheating YOU know he is cheating. The question then is what are you going to do about it?

YOU don't need PROOF to show him that you know he is cheating , he already knows that.

Edited February 16, 2017 by elaine567
removed quote

[NTV]

Talk to a lawyer before you drop the charade. ..

[aileD]

Thank you so much for all your responses.

 

 

It's so difficult pretending like all's well but I'm putting up a good effort.

 

A few weeks ago, we agreed that in the interest of transparency and accountability and in order to build trust, we would always tell each other about any interest received/ advances made from members of the opposite sex ( this was really targeted at him). No more hiding of messages and having clandestine conversations with women etc. We would be open with each other in order to avoid entertaining temptation. So a week and a half ago, a random woman messaged him on facebook trying to flirt with him. "Hey handsome, I know you're married but just thought to say hello" and my husband took a snap shot of the message and sent it to me. He said to me "we pledged to be open with each other so here's what happened, this lady has been messaging me and I ignored her messages". I thought he was trying to be honest etc.

 

 

Fast forward to last night, we were sitting on the sofa and I was trying as hard as possible to act normal and then I asked him casually "if he had received any messages from any ladies in recent times. I was hoping desperately that he would tell me about the valentines day messages I saw on his phone ( if truly he had nothing to hide), sadly he didn't. He denied that he had received messages from any women in recent times except the facebook message. He also said so convincingly " if you want me to make up stories, I will, I haven't received any messages apart from the facebook one I told you about". He lied to me. Why is he happy to tell me about the facebook messages but not his what's app exchange? I think I know the answer to that, sadly.

 

I checked his phone last night when he was asleep and it had been cleared out ie no messages from women, but I was able to get the woman's number from his phone and save it on my what's app. I saw her picture, she was wearing a very scanty one piece swim suit with her butt on full display ( the bottom of the swim suit is a tiny g- string so all her butt cheeks and just about every part of her butt is on full display ( from the side view) and she's posing on a roof top. I don't know what to make of it, it's a very provocative picture which she's flaunting to the world. Is she a stripper?

 

 

He's good at clearing up his tracks, it was just a stroke of luck that enabled me come across that conversation on Val's day which he forgot to delete. Considering what to do from here now... not sure how much longer I can keep up this charade for...

 

Ok so WhatsApp.....you have her # in your phone and obviously his. Csn you see both of their "last seen"??? My H and his xAP used whatsapp and I could literally tell they talked ALL DAY because whatsapp shows they're "online" and "last seen". So he'd be showing online ...then go to "last seen 1 min ago". Then she'd suddenly be online...then when hers switched to "last seen", he'd be online. I could tell they were having a conversation All day long.

[d0nnivain]

Thank you so much for all your responses.

 

 

It's so difficult pretending like all's well but I'm putting up a good effort.

 

A few weeks ago, we agreed that in the interest of transparency and accountability and in order to build trust, we would always tell each other about any interest received/ advances made from members of the opposite sex ( this was really targeted at him). No more hiding of messages and having clandestine conversations with women etc. We would be open with each other in order to avoid entertaining temptation. So a week and a half ago, a random woman messaged him on facebook trying to flirt with him. "Hey handsome, I know you're married but just thought to say hello" and my husband took a snap shot of the message and sent it to me. He said to me "we pledged to be open with each other so here's what happened, this lady has been messaging me and I ignored her messages". I thought he was trying to be honest etc.

 

 

Fast forward to last night, we were sitting on the sofa and I was trying as hard as possible to act normal and then I asked him casually "if he had received any messages from any ladies in recent times. I was hoping desperately that he would tell me about the valentines day messages I saw on his phone ( if truly he had nothing to hide), sadly he didn't. He denied that he had received messages from any women in recent times except the facebook message. He also said so convincingly " if you want me to make up stories, I will, I haven't received any messages apart from the facebook one I told you about". He lied to me. Why is he happy to tell me about the facebook messages but not his what's app exchange? I think I know the answer to that, sadly.

 

I checked his phone last night when he was asleep and it had been cleared out ie no messages from women, but I was able to get the woman's number from his phone and save it on my what's app. I saw her picture, she was wearing a very scanty one piece swim suit with her butt on full display ( the bottom of the swim suit is a tiny g- string so all her butt cheeks and just about every part of her butt is on full display ( from the side view) and she's posing on a roof top. I don't know what to make of it, it's a very provocative picture which she's flaunting to the world. Is she a stripper?

 

 

He's good at clearing up his tracks, it was just a stroke of luck that enabled me come across that conversation on Val's day which he forgot to delete. Considering what to do from here now... not sure how much longer I can keep up this charade for...

 

 

 

 

There's no need for the charade. This latest text was simply the straw that broke your marriage. The lack of trust has been undermining you for some time. You have known but refused to acknowledge that you can't trust him for quite some time.

 

 

Unless you are willing to hire a P.I. you're not gonna get the smoking gun -- photos of him cheating.

 

 

As much as it sucks, call a divorce attorney & move forward with your life.

[elaine567]

 

I was able to get the woman's number from his phone and save it on my what's app. I saw her picture, she was wearing a very scanty one piece swim suit with her butt on full display ( the bottom of the swim suit is a tiny g- string so all her butt cheeks and just about every part of her butt is on full display ( from the side view) and she's posing on a roof top. I don't know what to make of it, it's a very provocative picture which she's flaunting to the world. Is she a stripper?

 

Whatever she is, it was a pretty personal message and I doubt he is messaging her about her recipe for cake, or her views on Trump, or what to get you for your birthday...

There was nothing "platonic" going on there.

[mikeylo]

I guess bringing it out will leave no room for him to deny anything and make reasons for divorce easier. By reasons I mean him not pushing you to stay in an unfullfilling marriage with a cheater. You too will have no doubts about anything.

 

Why don't cheaters ever think about their kids ?

[EZNona]

Well, I must admit I have no patience with stuff like this and I would have researched her name using reverse phone lookup (if her name isn't already in his phone) and called her up asking her why she is texting my husband those types of messages!!

 

I would record the whole conversation in case she gives up all the details and replay it right back to him. I would make sure I had a packed bag ready to go and stay with family or friends for a few nights.

 

Some men (and cheaters in general) need to know the threat to leave is real. They will continue to lie and hide and spin you a good story if they think you will stay.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you so much for all your responses.

 

 

It's so difficult pretending like all's well but I'm putting up a good effort.

 

A few weeks ago, we agreed that in the interest of transparency and accountability and in order to build trust, we would always tell each other about any interest received/ advances made from members of the opposite sex ( this was really targeted at him). No more hiding of messages and having clandestine conversations with women etc. We would be open with each other in order to avoid entertaining temptation. So a week and a half ago, a random woman messaged him on facebook trying to flirt with him. "Hey handsome, I know you're married but just thought to say hello" and my husband took a snap shot of the message and sent it to me. He said to me "we pledged to be open with each other so here's what happened, this lady has been messaging me and I ignored her messages". I thought he was trying to be honest etc.

 

 

Fast forward to last night, we were sitting on the sofa and I was trying as hard as possible to act normal and then I asked him casually "if he had received any messages from any ladies in recent times. I was hoping desperately that he would tell me about the valentines day messages I saw on his phone ( if truly he had nothing to hide), sadly he didn't. He denied that he had received messages from any women in recent times except the facebook message. He also said so convincingly " if you want me to make up stories, I will, I haven't received any messages apart from the facebook one I told you about". He lied to me. Why is he happy to tell me about the facebook messages but not his what's app exchange? I think I know the answer to that, sadly.

 

I checked his phone last night when he was asleep and it had been cleared out ie no messages from women, but I was able to get the woman's number from his phone and save it on my what's app. I saw her picture, she was wearing a very scanty one piece swim suit with her butt on full display ( the bottom of the swim suit is a tiny g- string so all her butt cheeks and just about every part of her butt is on full display ( from the side view) and she's posing on a roof top. I don't know what to make of it, it's a very provocative picture which she's flaunting to the world. Is she a stripper?

 

 

He's good at clearing up his tracks, it was just a stroke of luck that enabled me come across that conversation on Val's day which he forgot to delete. Considering what to do from here now... not sure how much longer I can keep up this charade for...

 

I'd tell him you're divorcing him immediately and let him know that you saw other messages on his phone (don't specify or go into details), that you don't trust him and you know he's lying to you on purpose. Look him straight in the eye and tell him that you're done with his lies and he can pack a bag and GO to the OW with your blessing. Now, this doesn't mean you're going to divorce or even file but this WILL show him that you're not going to put up with this shi.tty behavior of his and the lies he's feeding you. He is up to no good and who knows if he's actually physically cheated but chances are he has and will continue to do so.

 

By doing this you're taking total control away from and showing him that you count and won't put up with this treatment anymore.

 

Stay strong and rely on your trusted friends that you can talk to for support.

[Liviebee06]

Hello and thanks so much for all you're messages.

 

Last night, I brought up the issue. He swore on his bible that he wasn't cheating on me and hadn't committed adultery. I then challenged him using the evidence I had and his explanation was as follows:

 

"She's someone I used to mess around with, before we got married. She called me this year to say hello and I told her I was married with a child. She's been wanting to meet up for a while. I was just as shocked as you to receive such an explicit message. She had been asking me to meet up with her and I kept turning her down, I said what I said as an excuse so she'd leave me alone . She knows I'm married but doesn't care".

 

So asked him why on earth he'd turn someone down by saying " he was with his family and couldn't leave his family now as it was too late". Why would he supposedly turn someone down by basically postponing the visit as opposed to telling her outrightly that he had no intention to see her ever and tell her to stop contacting you or better still block her. I accused him of enabling and accommodating attention from her.

 

He swore on his life that he wasn't having an affair with her and then admitted that it was stupid of him to have responded to her advances in that manner. He claims he was just trying to say anything to get her off his back which made no sense to me. I can think of many ways of turning someone's advances down, suggesting that you'll be open to meet in the future because right now you're busy with your family is certainly not one of them.

 

He claimed that he'd never do anything to jeopardize our marriage and family and certainly not because of sex with other women. I really wasn't convinced because it made no sense to me so I told him to call her on the spot and verify everything he had told me through her.

 

He then proceeded to call her and this was how the conversation went:

 

Husband : " Hello, how have you been?

 

Woman: I'm very fine thank you. Happy New Year!

 

Husband: Yeah Happy New Year to you too.

 

Woman: How are things?

 

Husband: Things are going well. You know we haven't seen in a while

 

Woman interrupts saying: " yeah, I know, you got married and all. You're a married man.

 

Husband interjects and says : yeah I'm married so I was thinking that it's best we stop speaking. I'll delete your number and please delete my number and we won't speak anymore.

 

Woman: is silent for a few seconds over the phone and asks " why?!"

 

Husband : it's a decision I've made. I'm now married so it's a decision I've made. So that's it,

 

Woman promptly cut off the phone without saying bye.

 

End of conversation.

 

Afterwards he started cajoling me and trying to convince me that nothing had happened between himself and the woman since we got married. He cited the conversation as evidence of same.

 

I asked him why he hid the conversation from me and he said be was trying to "protect me" and gave a story about the girl being addicted to weed and him not wanting to have to discuss all that with me if he showed me the conversation etc.

 

He spent the whole night trying to convince me and thats how the evening went. What do you make of his explanation?

[d0nnivain]

Part of me wants to believe him. That was a pretty bold thing, calling her with you there.

 

 

If you still have doubts, especially because you had to have that whole other thing about the need for transparency, hire a PI to investigate. Otherwise you kind of have to take him at his word but do so with your eyes wide open. I wouldn't fully trust him just yet.

[elaine567]

Last night, I brought up the issue.

 

You didn't listen did you?

He will now take this underground and you will find it very difficult to find out anything else about it, as he will cover his tracks.

 

Many MM and their OW have a contingency plan for when the wife is suspicious. I would not be surprised if that is what happened here. "Happy New Year" may have been the code. Why wish someone Happy New Year when they had already communicated on Valentine's day?

Also what is strange to me about this exchange is the emphasis on the word "married" - who talks like that?

I guess he called her back later on...

Humans are very very clever especially when they want to keep something hidden.

 

YOU naively went in there hoping you would appeal to his better side and he was going to tell YOU, his wife, the truth.

When his agenda is to tell you as little as possible and lie through his teeth and throw you off the scent.

 

YOU went in there with little real evidence, and he denied denied denied. - First rule of the cheaters handbook...

Deny deny deny.

 

That is why you were told to lie low, until you had some definite evidence. YOU made it far too easy for him.

Edited February 17, 2017 by elaine567
removed quote

[amaysngrace]

I think you need more time to figure out if he's lying.

 

She may have been feeling really lonely on Valentines Day and maybe he's not the only guy she tried to get with.

 

What you do know is that he didn't leave to go meet her. He spent the night with you.

[BaileyB]

I agree with Elaine.

 

The phone call was very strange and the Happy New Year greeting was definitely odd. They were just texting - why are they wishing each other a happy new year? It's almost like she was expecting the call... And, his explaination of the relationship make no sense.

 

I think he is cheating and I think he will go underground now.

[amaysngrace]

Could be that they haven't actually spoken since last year too. It was only like six weeks ago.

 

OP asked for the call, the husband didn't offer.

[darkmoon]

some say bug the car, he won't be inderground then

 

he might have dumped her for real when he called her, at most she was/is just a side-piece, at most

 

some say marriage guidance counselling helps

Edited February 17, 2017 by darkmoon

[BaileyB]

Could be that they haven't actually spoken since last year too. It was only like six weeks ago.

 

OP asked for the call, the husband didn't offer.

 

They were texting each other about meeting on Valentine's Day... I think, they are past wishing each other a Happy New Year....

[amaysngrace]

They were texting each other about meeting on Valentine's Day... I think, they are past wishing each other a Happy New Year....

 

She texted him and he turned her down.

 

OP keep your eyes open but don't rush to judgment. It's unwise to throw away your marriage without proof.