Is my husband about to cheat or just flirting harmlessly?

[BaileyB]

She texted him and he turned her down.

 

OP keep your eyes open but don't rush to judgment. It's unwise to throw away your marriage without proof.

 

Perhaps, only because it was late and he was home with his wife. He probably turned her down because it was inconvenient to meet.

 

But agreed... It is unwise to throw away a marriage without proof...

 

But plenty of reason to be suspicious.

[amaysngrace]

Perhaps, only because it was late and he was home with his wife. He probably turned her down because it was inconvenient to meet.

 

But agreed... It is unwise to throw away a marriage without proof...

 

But plenty of reason to be suspicious.

 

I agree she should be suspicious especially because he promised to come clean if he got hit on yet never told her about this woman and that "not telling her for her own sake" is downright manipulative too.

 

Still doesn't mean he's cheating though.

[mikeylo]

Why does he even have her number saved on his phone ?

 

Most definitely coded language.

[elaine567]

But the way she is going about it she will never find out, as she is alerting him.

In a matter of weeks, he has been found out twice, but has in essence "got away with it" as the OP has no real evidence to say otherwise. The OP jumped the gun twice and so is no nearer to the truth, whatever it is.

He will not have "learned his lesson", he has just learned to be more careful.

 

The problem many BWs have is that they see the husband as being on their side, that the husband will come clean, that their "best friend" will not want to hurt them, that their husband will not lie to them.

BUT the rules have changed. For a man in an affair, his loyalty is no longer to the wife and the marriage, his loyalty is either transferred to the OW or probably more frequently he is only loyal to himself.

He will do whatever it takes to save his own skin.

[mikeylo]

But the way she is going about it she will never find out, as she is alerting him.

In a matter of weeks, he has been found out twice, but has in essence "got away with it" as the OP has no real evidence to say otherwise. The OP jumped the gun twice and so is no nearer to the truth, whatever it is.

He will not have "learned his lesson", he has just learned to be more careful.

 

The problem many BWs have is that they see the husband as being on their side, that the husband will come clean, that their "best friend" will not want to hurt them, that their husband will not lie to them.

BUT the rules have changed. For a man in an affair, his loyalty is no longer to the wife and the marriage, his loyalty is either transferred to the OW or probably more frequently he is only loyal and to himselyf.

He will do whatever it takes to save his own skin.

 

^^^ This

 

An affair is always about the cheater.

[oldshirt]

Livie , flip this around and imagine that your brother married a stripper.

 

He thinks she is sweet and nice and loyal and devoted to him, but the reality is she is a garden variety stripper in tight skirts and stelletos.

 

Then let's say he is confiding in you that she guards her phone all the time but he knows that she is getting sexually explicit phone calls and txts from various men at all hours of the day and night. And he tells you that she comes homes hours and hours after her shift ends and any time he asks her about it, she says that these men are just guys she knows and that they go out for ice cream and that they are just calling her and she doesn't know why.

 

What would you counsel your brother in such a case??

 

The similarity here between your two scenarios is your H is a player and a womanizer and a skirt chaser. It's who and what he is.

 

He has women calling and texting him because he is smoozing them and flirting them up and letting them know that they can. He likely has always had a revolving harem of various GFs, FWBs, xGFs and a variety of women in various stages of seduction and grooming.

 

Whether his penis has actually been inside one of these particular women in recent weeks is up for debate.

 

But what is apparent here is that he is spinning plates and he has readily make excuses and cover stories for his activities that he can pull out of his pocket at any given time.

 

The woman he called in front of you was at best a sacrificial lamb that he could discard in front of you to shut you up. But as others have said, they may have had that all prearranged and part of a bigger plan.

 

You have made it harder to discover the truth because now he will cover his tracks, delete evidence and go deeper under ground.

 

You may need a PI now to dig up the truth and even then it will only be the tip of the ice berg.

 

The things you are describing and his excuses are not a man involved with his secretary and is torn between two lovers.

 

To me this sounds like an actual player who has always been spinning plates and has always had a variety of female satelites orbiting around at any given time.

 

This is a lifestyle and a character issue and not a one time event.

[sandylee1]

I'm not convinced he's having an affair after that phonecall. He didn't have time to prewarn her and she didn't mention anything about recent meetups.

 

Men find it much harder than women to turn someone down when it's offered to them.

 

On another forum something similar happened where a woman texted saying something like "Come over and have some wine with me". This was late at night.

 

The husband's response was "Goodnight, go to bed and touch yourself".

 

He voluntarily showed his wife the convo. She was not impressed, but another man explained it as, he knew she was offering sex and told her to touch herself, as he wasn't going to.

 

So OP, your husband could be like this guy.

 

He's making himself untrustworthy though and his claims of all these women coming on to him are worrying. Was he a bit of a player before you got married?

[elaine567]

Ordinary married guys who work hard, go home to their wives, play with their kids and want to build up a home and a family, are not inundated with texts and calls from real life women offering them sex and wishing them Happy Valentines day....

As Oldshirt has rightly pointed out "he is smoozing them and flirting them up and letting them know that they can."

 

The problem is not with those women, the problem is with him, and now his problem is with the OP and her kids...

 

Truth is he is just NOT marriage and father material.

[mikeylo]

Yeah, I agree. No woman just comes up , begins to chat , send messages , become flirty ----unless the guy gives the green light. Even escorts and others approach men only when they are called for first by the men.

 

The story gets old pretty fast when defense begins. No matter how he spins it , the fact of the matter is that he wants to interact with other women and such women are dime a dozen.

[oldshirt]

Yeah, I agree. No woman just comes up , begins to chat , send messages , become flirty ----unless the guy gives the green light. Even escorts and others approach men only when they are called for first by the men.

 

.

 

Agree.

 

What woman txts a man sexually explicit and downright inviting txts on Valentine's Day to a married man without having been given the go-ahead by the man first.

 

As an average, married man, I can testify that most women will not even speak to or even look at a garden variety married man without being spoken to and acknowledged first.

 

For women to be this bold, they have been approached and groomed by him first and given the green light to be sexually assertive with him.

[sandylee1]

He's definitely encouraging them, or not discouraging them.

 

He has poor boundaries where other women are concerned and unless he believes you won't remain in a marriage with such a ladies man, he will continue.

 

Even the valentine's day convo wasn't overt, that they were sexually involved at that point in time.

 

I would expect more of a "I'm missing you", "wish you were here". She was comfortable to talk about not having anyone to have good sex with, because they previously had such a relationship.

 

And the happy new year thing, isn't a red flag IMO. I've been in contact with people via text, and said happy new year once I see them in person or speak on the phone.

 

I'm not saying your husband is innocent by any means, but I don't think he's currently having a sexual relationship with the woman in question.

 

I can't say I'd feel safe in the relationship or have trust in him. Without trust you don't have much.

 

He needs a sharp shock that you're prepared to walk and he might just realise what he has to loose.

 

If you do nothing and plod along as if nothing happened, he'll do it again. If nothing tell him you need some time and space to think and have him stay elsewhere for a couple of weeks.

[Liviebee06]

Thanks so much for all your responses. I'm very grateful. It was my birthday recently so went away for a few days.

 

 

Yeah, I don't think he's having an affair with this lady because he called her without warning and told her he wouldn't interact with her anymore. During the conversation, it was confirmed that they hadn't seen in a while. However, like you've rightly pointed out, truth is he entertained the attention and was probably flirting with the idea of *possibly* having sex with her. When I confronted him, he admitted that his response to her message was inapt and stupid and that he wasn't thinking right. The reason I confronted him, well one of the reasons was because he was trying to have sex with me and kept on asking why I was refusing to do so. It might not have been the best call ( addressing the issue at that point) but it was extremely difficult for me to act normal when I was dealing with so many unanswered questions.

 

 

I understand the implications ie he might be more efficient at covering his tracks, even though he's now given me his password etc but I realise this means nothing.

 

I don't trust him completely anymore but I'm not sure if the right thing to do is to abandon the marriage. He says that he's been starved of sex ( it is true that our sex life isn't as active as it used to be but that's because i spend a lot of time looking after our son who's not sleeping through the night yet), however we do or well used to have sex sometimes. I don't think it's an excuse to start entertaining or courting company from other women, infancy in a child's life is such a short period and these kids grow up so fast. A decline in the amount and frequency of sex surely is expected in the first few months of raising a child? A part of me feels like I might have neglected his needs and be complains that I'm not as affectionate or loving but Im really just trying to juggle a number of things and to be honest , I hardly ever feel like having sex. Most times I just want to rest, watch a movie and cuddle with him without having actual sex, if that makes any sense. I'm up a few times every night Monday- Friday and Saturday.

 

Maybe if we went away on a mini- break, just the two of us without our son, we could revive the spark? At the same time, when I think about his betrayal ( messaging those women was a form of betrayal on his part) I lose the desire to make the required effort.

 

Many thanks for reading.

Edited March 1, 2017 by Liviebee06

[mikeylo]

Wait a little while and see the resentment spreading into everyday life. It will not be the same unless he becomes proactive.

 

The baby is not just yours! Why is he not active in taking care of his baby ? Once he starts doing that , he too will have sex as the last thing on his mind.

 

He is getting off easily. He will continue someway or the other.