I'm just so lost without my wife. Almost can't take it anymore.

[Calmandfocused]

Ps. Take that nugget of hope, and the vision that you have for you and your children and let it grow into something bigger.

 

The want, need and desire for a better and less painful future has kept me strong and focused throughout a very difficult divorce process. You can do it too

 

X

[Marc878]

Read it "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download

[BaileyB]

You've learned a hard lesson about fidelity in a relationship. Most, women don't appreciate their husband texting and talking with other women.

 

But, your wife's behavior is completely unacceptable. You have created a fantasy around this woman, and it could not have been further from the truth. At this point, you need to protect yourself and your children from this woman. Until her behavior improves and she starts making more responsible decisions, you have a lot to be concerned about...

[sam2017]

If this was all about you being controlling then she wouldn't let the kids suffer...

 

Time to start checking up on her

[sam2017]

I know you are going to say no but there is so another guy in the picture.. you just don't know about him.

 

If this was all about you being controlling then she wouldn't let the kids suffer...

 

Time to start checking up on her

 

Sometimes we cant see the signs or actually we don't want to see or believe. My ex wife did similar things for a long time before our divorce, even I used to see her chatting late in the night on whattsapp with "someone" and I presumed that someone could be her sister or "girlfriend". In fact, I couldn't even think about her betraying me. I WAS WRONG

[Larrysr516]

You've learned a hard lesson about fidelity in a relationship. Most, women don't appreciate their husband texting and talking with other women.

 

But, your wife's behavior is completely unacceptable. You have created a fantasy around this woman, and it could not have been further from the truth. At this point, you need to protect yourself and your children from this woman. Until her behavior improves and she starts making more responsible decisions, you have a lot to be concerned about...

 

Yeah even though there's another man in the picture, I STILL find myself begging her to stay. I went to a friend's house for 1 night cause he saw how much of a wreck I was. She says she still loves me and just wants time to be herself. She's leaving Friday and everyday that gets closer, I try and convince her to stay. I know when she leaves I'm gonna need therapy. In 3 weeks I've lost 40 pounds from being in such a depression state. I don't know what to do anymore

[LancasterAmos1966]

Yeah even though there's another man in the picture, I STILL find myself begging her to stay. I went to a friend's house for 1 night cause he saw how much of a wreck I was. She says she still loves me and just wants time to be herself. She's leaving Friday and everyday that gets closer, I try and convince her to stay. I know when she leaves I'm gonna need therapy. In 3 weeks I've lost 40 pounds from being in such a depression state. I don't know what to do anymore

 

 

This is a temporary situation, Larry.

 

I didn't think I'd ever get better after my wife walked out -- but I recovered and life is good again. Go ahead and grieve your loss, but you must keep moving towards Acceptance.

 

Google the 5 stages of grief. You are grieving the loss of your Beloved Bride, best friend, companion, lover, etc.

 

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and the last stage is Acceptance

 

If I made it through, I know you can too!!!!

 

If you feel that you are going to hurt yourself, please call 911 or whatever the local emergency number is.

 

Reach out for help.

 

Please don't let your wife hurt you any further.

 

You probably lived the first 20 years of your life without her --- you can go on to live another 20 without her.

 

Lean on your friends and family right now. People don't know exactly what to say if they haven't been through a loss of a spouse, but members on this board, family, and friends, co-workers, etc., want to see you pull through this. You can make it Larry!!

[road]

Yeah even though there's another man in the picture, I STILL find myself begging her to stay. I went to a friend's house for 1 night cause he saw how much of a wreck I was. She says she still loves me and just wants time to be herself. She's leaving Friday and everyday that gets closer, I try and convince her to stay. I know when she leaves I'm gonna need therapy. In 3 weeks I've lost 40 pounds from being in such a depression state. I don't know what to do anymore

 

What you do is tell her to leave now and go see a lawyer tomorrow and file for divorce.

[sandylee1]

I can understand how upset you are, but I think cancelling her CC and cutting off her phone could go against you.

 

She's a SAHM and you'll have to pay child support and probably spousal support.

 

With you working 14 hour days, you can't look after the kids, unless they're in daycare. I don't know that the courts would have children with a minder over their own mother.

 

I'm not in support of her actions and I think stopping the card serves her right. But stopping her phone may not go down so well.

 

What about if the daycare or school need to contact her if something is wrong with the kids?

 

What if her car breaks down and she's in danger?

 

Has she got any access to money at all? Even if it's a small allowance for essential items, because her claims of you being controlling may be believed with that.

[S2B]

She's not the the gal you THOUGHT she WAS.

 

Stop handing HER all of YOUR power.

 

Take your power back! That wife you thought she was ever existed.

 

Deal with reality not fantasy land.

[bluefeather]

Larrysr516, I'm really sorry you're going through this, but I want to tell you that after reading so many threads on this forum of people getting treated like crap and cheated on, and then trying to just be ok with it, I think you are showing some serious resolve in how you are handling this. You seem like you are very aware of what you are going through (talking about taking therapy after this) and also being strong in not letting someone cross your boundaries by following through with her request to be "free" by cutting her off.

[testmeasure]

Kids?

 

What are the ages of the kids?

 

Focus on the kids. She hasn't put you through enough of a train wreck yet that you haven't switched over to the well being of the kids? Ok everyone deserves to live out their train wreck. Do logic now. Focus.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Larry, you haven't posted in a while. How are things with you? Did your wife move out as planned? If so what arrangements are in place for your children? Where is she staying and do you get to see your children regularly? Are you supporting her with some funds? What about Child support?

 

Hope you are looking after yourself in the interim. Your job is very taxing physically and so you must eat properly to get the nourishment you need. Also you need to sleep soundly as otherwise you may have an accident at work. Try and occupy yourself with healthy things when off work. Keep meeting friends so that you do not feel alone. Warm wishes.

[OatsAndHall]

My ex wife had an affair and is living with the other guy... There are still times when I miss her even with the chaos she caused. So, I understand that you still feel for your wife. However, she made the choice to have an on-going affair instead of either a) sorting through the problems or b) asking for a divorce. As such, I advise you to play hardball for the kids' sake at this point.

 

1.File for divorce and get a parenting plan in place on Monday. Don't wait on this one. Act quickly and get it done. Mark "infidelity" on the paperwork if your state has that option. Ask for full custody of the kids with visitation rights for her and the kids.

 

2. Continue what you have done with the finances: freeze her out of everything. I hate to even type that as it's not in my nature to act like that but it's the best way to proceed at this point. She'll have to move in with a family member or her new boyfriend and that is something that won't look good in court. Especially if you can claim that you are filing divorce over an affair.

 

3. Just keep fighting hard for the kids. I don't know why your wife's financial situation is so poor but she made a devastating choice by having this affair but she didn't think about the kids.

 

4. Don't text other women. Sorry, but I had to say it.

[Larrysr516]

My ex wife had an affair and is living with the other guy... There are still times when I miss her even with the chaos she caused. So, I understand that you still feel for your wife. However, she made the choice to have an on-going affair instead of either a) sorting through the problems or b) asking for a divorce. As such, I advise you to play hardball for the kids' sake at this point.

 

1.File for divorce and get a parenting plan in place on Monday. Don't wait on this one. Act quickly and get it done. Mark "infidelity" on the paperwork if your state has that option. Ask for full custody of the kids with visitation rights for her and the kids.

 

2. Continue what you have done with the finances: freeze her out of everything. I hate to even type that as it's not in my nature to act like that but it's the best way to proceed at this point. She'll have to move in with a family member or her new boyfriend and that is something that won't look good in court. Especially if you can claim that you are filing divorce over an affair.

 

3. Just keep fighting hard for the kids. I don't know why your wife's financial situation is so poor but she made a devastating choice by having this affair but she didn't think about the kids.

 

4. Don't text other women. Sorry, but I had to say it.

Well I've been off for awhile but here is a huge update:

She went and got herself a part time job. She's in the process of putting everything in her name and she wants to stay with the kids. My family, and hers think it's best for her to just have the kids because they think she needs a wake up call because she was loosing her grips as a mother. I will be seeing my kids everyday until the sitter shows up so I'm not too concerned. I can almost say that after 2 months of this, if she wanted to make everything whole again, I'd probably be stupid enough to do it. I packed my things yesterday and left the house. I cried like a baby once I got in my car. Just watching my kids going to sleep, seeing her, and all of that was my LIFE. Now I feel everything is just upside down. I miss her SO much. Like out of all past relationships, I was alright after a few weeks. I'm going on 11 weeks not being with her and I still feel like I did from day 1.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Larry, so it seems you have left and she is still in the marital home, is that right? If so why have you had to leave when she was the one wanting the separation and was having an affair to boot? I think most of the posters here would advise you to stay put and make her move out so that she faces the consequences of what she is doing. Maybe you have your reasons.

 

Whatever it is just hold yourself together. Take the support of your family lay. What are your living arrangements at the moment? Like I said before eat properly, exercise and sleep properly. You are in a physically challenging job that requires you to be alert at all times. Your own life and possibly those of others depends on you. Go for IC if possible and try and pin point the issues that may have caused your wife to get alienated from you. Of course this may be entirely her own fault and due to her own issues but if you have chinks in your armour no harm in filling them up. Be a better man for the next woman in your life. Warm wishes.

[Larrysr516]

Hi Larry, so it seems you have left and she is still in the marital home, is that right? If so why have you had to leave when she was the one wanting the separation and was having an affair to boot? I think most of the posters here would advise you to stay put and make her move out so that she faces the consequences of what she is doing. Maybe you have your reasons.

 

Whatever it is just hold yourself together. Take the support of your family lay. What are your living arrangements at the moment? Like I said before eat properly, exercise and sleep properly. You are in a physically challenging job that requires you to be alert at all times. Your own life and possibly those of others depends on you. Go for IC if possible and try and pin point the issues that may have caused your wife to get alienated from you. Of course this may be entirely her own fault and due to her own issues but if you have chinks in your armour no harm in filling them up. Be a better man for the next woman in your life. Warm wishes.

I let her stay in the apartment (we were literally about to submit an offer for a house) because everybody has declined her to live with them. Her family knows what she's doing isn't right. But she is the mother to my children and I'm not just gonna put her on the streets. I moved back into my mother's for now (NEVER thought I'd say that again) but this is the reality. Yeah I've been doing nothing but trying to re evaluate where in the hell I went wrong. Maybe it's just what she wants. I'm just trying to find myself again and not give up on myself

[BluesPower]

If no one has said it yet...

 

You have done nothing wrong, in terms of her affair. Nothing at all. That is on her and it always will be.

 

If you were not a perfect husband, so what, she choose to cheat. That actually negates everything else that is going on.

 

You need to accept that she is gone and it is not your fault. Time for you to move on without her.

[heartbroken2017]

Hi Larry, I don't know your whole situation but it appears lthat we have some common ground. I have been fighting and begging my wife if 21 yrs to stay with me and to Love me again. During the last 11 months she has checked out on our marriage. Had a months long affair with my sons friend whom lived with us and convinced me it was my fault and I still would do anything for her. I love her so much but for the last few weeks I have been on this site and a lot of people have given me some wonderful advice. I have finally started standing up for myself and planning on my future without her. Do I still Love her? Absolutely, but as much as I did not want to believe it, it really takes 2 people to make a marriage work. I have always been the one who fixed everything, took care of everything, provided everything. I am finally realizing that I let her take my power away and now I'm slowly getting it back. Is it hard, it sure is. It's hard to see her and it's hard to talk with her because I never wanted our marriage to end. She chose her actions and when I found out she blamed me. I hope you follow through with your plans and always take care of your children. After reading half of the no more Mr Nice Guy I feel a resurgence in me. I want me back now more than I want her back. Good luck to you and I pray you get through this much quicker than I have.

[OatsAndHall]

I let her stay in the apartment (we were literally about to submit an offer for a house) because everybody has declined her to live with them. Her family knows what she's doing isn't right. But she is the mother to my children and I'm not just gonna put her on the streets. I moved back into my mother's for now (NEVER thought I'd say that again) but this is the reality. Yeah I've been doing nothing but trying to re evaluate where in the hell I went wrong. Maybe it's just what she wants. I'm just trying to find myself again and not give up on myself

 

Maybe you weren't the perfect husband. I know that I wasn't, in many ways. But, I never abused my wife, I wasn't a drunk/druggy, and I made taking care of her and my former step sons a priority. I went to work every day, I took care of my fair share of things around the house and helped to raise those boys as if they were my own.

 

Unfortunately, those things don't seem to matter in many marriages anymore. Many people stop taking the marriage into consideration and focus solely on their own unhappiness, whether it is due to the marriage or other problems. People don't seem to understand that there are ups and downs in any relationship and you damn-well better be prepared to deal with them if you're going to commit to a marriage or a serious partnership.

 

I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out where I went wrong in my marriage in order to help me better understand myself. I sought counseling early on so that I could help cope and move forward. I suggest you do the same otherwise you are going to spend a lot of time living in the past. Remember, you will go through the same stages of grieving in a divorce as you do when a death occurs. Understand that, embrace it and just keep working through life.

 

On a more serious note, I do think you need to seek legal counsel as soon as possible for the sake of your kids. Get a parenting plan in place so that you have something set in stone with regards to visitation. I'm not picking a fight here but national statistics show that the court system favors the mother when it comes to divorce and separations, with little regard to a mother's situation. A friend of mine has a daughter and the mother was an extremely unstable drug addict and he had to fight tooth and nail to gain custody.

[JamesM]

If no one has said it yet...

 

You have done nothing wrong, in terms of her affair. Nothing at all. That is on her and it always will be.

 

If you were not a perfect husband, so what, she choose to cheat. That actually negates everything else that is going on.

 

You need to accept that she is gone and it is not your fault. Time for you to move on without her.

 

Agree.

 

She chose to leave and used the talking with a woman prior to your marriage as her excuse. It is not the real reason.

 

It will be incredibly tough as you never saw this coming, but BP is right. Unfortunately, she chose to leave and all you can do is pick up the pieces.

[Larrysr516]

Hi Larry, I don't know your whole situation but it appears lthat we have some common ground. I have been fighting and begging my wife if 21 yrs to stay with me and to Love me again. During the last 11 months she has checked out on our marriage. Had a months long affair with my sons friend whom lived with us and convinced me it was my fault and I still would do anything for her. I love her so much but for the last few weeks I have been on this site and a lot of people have given me some wonderful advice. I have finally started standing up for myself and planning on my future without her. Do I still Love her? Absolutely, but as much as I did not want to believe it, it really takes 2 people to make a marriage work. I have always been the one who fixed everything, took care of everything, provided everything. I am finally realizing that I let her take my power away and now I'm slowly getting it back. Is it hard, it sure is. It's hard to see her and it's hard to talk with her because I never wanted our marriage to end. She chose her actions and when I found out she blamed me. I hope you follow through with your plans and always take care of your children. After reading half of the no more Mr Nice Guy I feel a resurgence in me. I want me back now more than I want her back. Good luck to you and I pray you get through this much quicker than I have.

 

Wow. Just wow. Very similar situations. I did literally EVERYTHING for this woman. Even when id put up a little fight about it, i still did it for her. I left my wife the apartment with my kids because she had nowhere to go. I recently found out she was talking to a buddy of mine getting "info" about me... meanwhile, all I have been doing is being super depressed. I asked her why she just can't leave people out of our situation and she decided to be spiteful and talk me down on facebook saying how much of a monster and whatnot I am. Now surprisingly, other people actually defended me and said she's stupid for leaving me in the first place. I didn't think twice about posting about her. It's not worth it and I don't care what people think about me. At this point, even her own family cannot understand what she is doing. She not only ended her relationship with me, but almost never makes time for our children. I thought this woman was love at first sight when I was 18. She had a 1 year old son and was struggling immensely. I was still in high school. I dropped out of high school senior year, got a full time job and went to night classes just to help her support a child that isn't mine. There is SO much history between us. And yes, I am seeking counseling. It's well needed for me at this time.

[BluesPower]

Larry, you have to understand...

 

You have to understand that your, hopefully, STBXW wife is nuts. For whatever reason, and it really does not matter.

 

You cannot fix this. All you can do is divorce and move on with your life.

 

Was there no signs of mental illness before all of this?

 

Just understand that it is not your fault and all you can do in just move forward.

 

I have lived this stuff, it sucks, it is hard, but you will survive. But your wasting your time trying to figure it out. There are plenty of docs that even with intense therapy would just have to guess what the deal is.

 

Start a new life...

[Larrysr516]

Larry, you have to understand...

 

You have to understand that your, hopefully, STBXW wife is nuts. For whatever reason, and it really does not matter.

 

You cannot fix this. All you can do is divorce and move on with your life.

 

Was there no signs of mental illness before all of this?

 

Just understand that it is not your fault and all you can do in just move forward.

 

I have lived this stuff, it sucks, it is hard, but you will survive. But your wasting your time trying to figure it out. There are plenty of docs that even with intense therapy would just have to guess what the deal is.

 

Start a new life...

 

Yeah I know I have to move on. I'm just so stuck on the loving person she used to be. My heads telling me to move on and my heart is still living in the past. She never had a mental illness. All she keeps saying is all the years we were together, she was nothing but depressed. I know she's talking crap, but it still hurts. But yes, I know I have to just move on.

[Mz. Pixie]

Princess has had it so good-she's screwing someone and trash talking you as a monster even after you gave her a place to live. I think it was an awesome thing to do for your kids. Even if she doesn't appreciate it.

 

Sadly, women do not love men they don't respect. If she can walk on you it doesn't do anything for her-sexually or otherwise.

 

Really think about that.