Jersey born raised Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 Her family has deep issues. I believe it was downtown who posted info on how childhood trauma caused the brain "hardwire" to freeze at the age the trauma occurred. The adult becomes frozen in the thought pattern and emotional development the trauma occured. Often this "hardwire" reset effects only personal relationships with some overlap into other areas of life. You cannot be the nice guy or KISA! You need to get her out of your life and limit your children's contact with her. Provide your children a stable homelike that they will not get in her house. Protect yourself with VAR and if possible video and witnesses. Your wife plays by different rules. While you cannot and should not play by her rules, you must take steps to expose the lies and false allegations. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlChem Posted February 22, 2017 Author Share Posted February 22, 2017 She keeps asking me to go into her rented place when I drop the children off to discuss inane things but I refuse. I am worried about going in after what she has done. Someone has suggested that if I want to get back with her that I try to return to normality with her by letting her back in the family home and me going into her home. She has asked if she can come into the family home for 10 minutes to talk about something but I was going out so she couldn't and I refused. Wouldn't removing this boundary give her tacit acceptance from me of what she has done? I've seen no signs of contrition from her at all. Everything I have read suggests to maintain LC / NC with a WAS until they present with real tangible repentance. I would love to return to normal life with her - what if her behavior is an aberration linked to pregnancy? Any thoughts? The thing is - she told lies, betrayed me, deceived me and took our children away from me behind my back. I had to spend money on lawyers to get shared custody of our children because SHE made an application to the court for child access. I cannot simply just be her friend and do not want to be - she is my wife. She cannot have her cake and eat it. Either I'm her husband or I am not. Its just crazy to go from living normal family life (apart from her bizzare 3 calls to the cops) to our current situation. It makes no sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 Stop questioning yourself as you did in your last post. None of the underling issues have changed. The cycle will not stop for her but it can change for you. Downtown spent 15 years with a wife like your's. 15 years !! Read the length and breath of all his posts. Boundries with a person like your wife need to be like a castle with walls as high and thick as te great wall of china with a mined moat filled with piranhas. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlChem Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 Do people think it would be OK to start dating again? I just feel I need to move on with my life. Perhaps she would appreciate what she has done then too. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Listen, you will never fix her. Time to move on with your life. Don't have any more contact with her than is absolutely necessary for the kids. And do not go into her apt for any reason. Start living your life. You will actually not believe what it is to be with a normal woman after what you have been through. It may feel uncomfortable at first you will grow to enjoy the lack of drama... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Do people think it would be OK to start dating again? I just feel I need to move on with my life. Perhaps she would appreciate what she has done then too. No you need to divorce before you start dating again. It wouldn't be fair to the new girl. Plus it won't be easy to find a woman who wants to date a MM with a crazy wife. You need a divorce. Don't use a date to get your wife back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlChem Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 No you need to divorce before you start dating again. It wouldn't be fair to the new girl. Plus it won't be easy to find a woman who wants to date a MM with a crazy wife. You need a divorce. Don't use a date to get your wife back. Why shouldn't I move on with my life now? A divorce could be over a year away. My wife chose to move out without any adult discussion and made up a Web of lies to justify her actions. She has stated she wants to start dating again. There's been absolutely no sign of remorse for what she has done to our family. I've done everything I could think of to help my wife but her lies prevent her getting the help she needs from family, friends and even professionals. This has been the most stressful period of my life. I've analysed and analysed over and over again in my head why this happened and still cannot reach a logical reason. I am a good father and good husband. I've asked her to come back after she left to work through this but she said no. She seems to enjoy the fantasy of being a single parent like some of her friends. She has no concern about what it is doing to our children. It's utterly bizarre. There's a good home here with a good man who loved her dearly. Why on earth make up the lies she did? OM or mental illness bought on by pregnancy seem to be the only answers. My "crazy wife" is not joined to me. I am my own person. I only see her briefly when we exchange the children a couple of times a week. Why should I live a life of misery and put my life on hold for such a women who has caused so much pain? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 OP you should not... Everything you just said in the post is totally correct. Why people think you have to finalize the divorce before dating is just a mystery to me?????? You know you are not going back with her, and why would you? You will be a hot commodity when you start dating. But for goodness sake, DO NOT FALL IN LOVE with the first pretty girl that you screw. So many people make that mistake. And all of the women your age will want to get married, so stay away from that for at least a year maybe more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlChem Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 So she comes to pick up the youngest and has a hissy fit on the doorstep because I can't change my plans for her weekend with the children. She wants me to pick up our eldest after her club on Saturday but I have a pre-arranged appointment so I can't. This is from the same women who a few weeks earlier said she didn't want to see me during "her weekend" with the children. This is from the same women who wanted a court order to rigidly fix when we can both see our children to the exclusion of the other parent. This women is impossible. I closed the door on her before her rant degenerated... Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlChem Posted March 5, 2017 Author Share Posted March 5, 2017 Just when I thought she could stoop no lower. For one day last week children were asked to dress in a costume for school. So my daughter and I went out, chose one together and I bought it. I took my daughter to school with said costume on one of the days I am caring for her. Fast forward to the evening. I go to pick up my daughter from the after school club - she hasn't lost any of her costume - great. Later on that evening my daughter spontaneously bursts into tears. I ask her what is wrong. She replies that she can't tell me because mummy told her to keep it a secret... I ask keep what secret? She is still crying and says that she cannot tell me. I later guess that it might be connected to the costume. So I discovered that on a day when my daughter was in my care, my estranged wife - who had no reason to visit the school, took a different costume to the school. She changed my daughter out of the costume I had dressed her in, into her (my estranged wife's) choice of costume. She then got someone to change my daughter back into the original costume and told my daughter it must be kept secret so that I did not find out. I find this behaviour of my estranged wife horrifying. To put so much pressure on my daughter to keep a secret from me is so unhealthy for my daughter. Surely this behaviour is indicative of a big problem with my wife? I suspect that this is not the first instance of my estranged wife trying to control my daughter like this, given my daughter's strange behaviour when she has stayed at her mother's house on a few occasions. My estranged wife is now using my daughter to act out her control on me, because she can no longer control me. Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 AlChem, that level of extreme pettiness -- and her instructing her young daughter to lie to her own father (you) -- is easier to comprehend when you realize that your STBXW is now behaving like a young child. If she is exhibiting strong BPD traits as you describe, she likely is exhibiting the emotional development of a four year old. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AlChem Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 Every time I take our children to my estranged wife's rented place she makes a big fuss and asks me to go inside her house. When I refuse she has a big huff and tells me I'm being difficult. It makes no sense. Is she trying to trap me? After living with someone for a decade I find it difficult to refuse. It's only when I remember what she did in the last year that I wake up and stop myself. My counsellor tells me I should not go in after all she has done. It's so difficult though - what if this is an olive branch? Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 Listen buddy...DO NOT DO IT. And please do not fall for it. You are not the only man that has a crazy STBXW. The more you stand your ground the crazier she will get. And you have to stand your ground. Listen, my STBXW was is not completely out of the house yet. We have filed and waiting on paper work. I have told her for months that it was over and it never will be again. I have told her with as much kindness as I can muster, over and over again. She still professes he love for me no matter what I say. I spend random nights with one of my GF's several nights a week and she will not let go. She is completely nuts. You stand your ground and get out of this relationship. This type of stuff will kill you if you don't get out. Link to post Share on other sites
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