Caught in Lies

[DesperatelyUnsure]

Here we go again...Ugh..

 

This is a thread previously continuation...Heres the latest delima...Husband has this friend (Female) calls her frequently (almost daily) we spoke of her in counseling our last session and husband said he has a "Special Connection" with this women that he doesn't have with me but he's not messing around with her. First of all...What the heck is that supposed to say to me?!?! Just tells me Hey, I'm not interested in having any connection with you but i'm more interested in having one with her. We aren't friends, we don't communicate and when we try it ends up in an argument...I will be the first to admit that right now my trust level is below zero...in the past I always trusted my husband never doubted him but with everything going on now and with our marriage being the state it's in I just can't help not to.

 

After bringing this female friend up in counseling we aren't allowed to talk about her until we go back..So husband is obviously loving this..I've asked him if he's talked to her and he's told me no and I left it at that..didn't make a discussion about her just left it alone. However when I checked his cell phone history who's # came up, Not mine..but her work # (to which he doesn't call me anymore and if he does it's rare) I know that because I called it and got her voice mail and he's been getting private #'s calls coming into his phone. Now, my issues. When I looked last night he had deleted her #'s.. Which is normally what he's been doing but the other night I think he forgot to..so last night I looked..there gone. she's not listed in his phone book so he's got her # memorized..of course if you call her everyday why wouldn't you. My problem is if your just friends then why hide it, why lie about it and what could you possibly talk about every day if your just friends?? Iasked him if her husband knows they talk he said he knows they talk occasionally and sometimes send email's through the computer. I said Um...you don't talk to her occasionally..your talking to her everyday and god only knows what they email each other..so obviously her husband doesn't know they talk as much as they do which I also find interesting is that her husband doesn't like that they talk either.

 

My husband has always had a female friend of some which has always caused problems..because he doesn't see a problem with it and tells me I need to stop. In the past he's had women take him out to dinner and to the bar when he was supposed to be at a friends house. At the time he was very apologetic but now he's changed his story to that I told you I didn't know where we were going so I didn't lie to you. He disregards my feelings and does it anyway..and just tells me "I'm not doing anything wrong"

 

I just don't know what to think. My heart wants to believe that they're just friends..because that's what he tells me..but my gut tells me other wise...I don't know what to think from a mans perspective or why men and act the way they do.

[upsetnhurt]

I have to say that regardless of whether they are friends or more the mere fact that he allows this to happen knowing that you are extremely hurt by this is unacceptable. I am a man and doubt very highly that this is just a friendship, one that he is going to extreme lengths to hide from you. I figure that if you are not getting his attention, emotionally or physically, then he is certainly giving it to someone else. I hate to say this because I do not know all of your situation outside of what you have written (kids?, etc) yet you need to kick him out and show him that you are too strong to be used and disrespected here. if he comes back crying and pleading, at least you then have an option on taking him back. If you don't do this, your trust level will continue to dwindle into the negative and your self esteem will become non existent. I am getting real angry at his treatment of you just writing this. I know the fear of being alone is one that typically convinces people to stay and work it out, yet it sometimes allows both parties to sit back and digest their actions and then take whichever action they feel is best. You have no control over the way he thinks and it is obvious he will not stop his bs. I find myself alone after a second chance breakup as the same problems existed the second time as they did the first (non-commitment on her part) and see things a bit clearer now. Its the fear of loneliness and the romantization of your relationship that keep you in the spot you are rather than the true love you have with your partner. We all deserve this type of love and trust and you should demand it by taking these actions.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I don't think it would take a man's perspective to see that your husband is a cakeman.

 

He wants to be married, and he wants to have the adoration and ego feeding he gets from other women. There's no telling whether or not anything has happened between him and this women (women), but just the fact that he chronically needs to have his ego fed by women outside of his otherwise committed relationships is bad enough.

 

You will need to gather up every ounce of strength you have to be willing to temporarily ignore the symptoms while in the process of crushing this ugly cancer that has caused these symptoms. The more you fight the symptoms (the affairs), the worse the illness (what causes him to want these affairs) will get.

 

I'm not saying that the solution is to ignore the affairs: the solution is to obliterate what is within him that causes those affairs. The only way to do that is to not aggravate the symptoms right now. If you attack the symptoms now, your H will do nothing but put up a stronger effort to hide and protect them. Perhaps this is what your counselor is working toward. Killing the cancer, instead of treating the symptoms, and then when that process is underway - healing the damaging fallout of those symptoms.

 

I understand that you have a voice, and that you are hurting - and you will be heard, but until your H is really willing and able to actually listen and truly hear what you are saying - everything you say now will be drowned out by his own selfish ego needs. Your time will come, but it has to be at the right time for it to really be heard.

 

It won't be easy, but its like chemo and cancer. Healing hurts sometimes. Badly.

 

Hopefully your counseling sessions can get to the bottom of this - and the two of you can begin to repair this painful situation.

[desperatleyunsure]

I would just like to thank you for your responses....and to respond to UpsetNhurt. This is my second marriage. We have many obstacles..I have children(2) from a previous marriage to which the older they get the more he doesn't care for them and we have a child together. I do not get along with his family. and we basically just don't see eye to eye anymore on anything Bills, $$, discipline, relationships, friends..ect..ect.

 

I am not in fear of being alone..I left my ex husband for lesser. What is different this time is i'm more emotionally attached to this man I feel that in this marriage I did give him my heart and soul. My first husband, I married out of obligation. I was young and we had a child together and from family demanding marriage I did what I thought was right. I later found out differently and ended that marriage.

 

My husband and I have been in counseling since Oct. of last year..and just recently we really started dealing with the issues at hand. My husband has always been a flirt. He will even tell you this...and thinks this is ok. He tells me he talks to other women about Sexually contained conversations. To which I think is inapropriate, he does not. I know people flirt..it's human nature. I just know that since we've been married (8 years next month) I don't have the desire to flirt with other men. I don't talk to other men. I'm a firm believer in that when you allow other people into that space your asking for trouble. I have seen it over and over again and hear it over and over that people don't go looking for affairs...they escelate and things happen. I'm not nieve to this. When your marriage is in such a diseray I know how easy it is when someone comes along and perks that "Feeling" that you've not felt for along time. That sense of newness and when your emotionally vulnerable things happen. I understand this. I also realize that if he's going to cheat there's nothing I can do about it...so by hounding him about her is only going to drive him closer to her and further from me. I understand this so I try my best not to..but at times it's hard.

 

He doesn't understand why I have such a problem with this friendship or any that he's had in the past. I have stated before that if we were friends and our relationship was stronger maybe I wouldn't have a problem with it. He says' that's bull. I disagree. I have told him your more concerned with being friends with these other women and putting your energy into there relationships then you are with me and our marriage...This is what hurts me the most. We used to be great friends, could tell each other everything...and in trying to give him the benefit of the doubt with this women ok..so your just friends if I mean so much to you and you know i'm uncomfortable with this right now why do you continue to do it knowing it hurts me and then hide it from me and lie to me about it. His continual behavior just tells me my feelings aren't important. I don't think he's slept with this women. But I do believe there is more there then just friendship. Espicially if her husband feels the same way I do about it and neither of them care about what we think and continue to do so. I could be very wrong here...but I just don't know I feel i'm grasping at straws.

 

His ex wife (he was married before) used to be very insecure..and when hearing stories about her I used to think she was just nuts. But I truely understand why she was the way she was..and If I could talk to her now I would so have many things to ask her. I would also like to add..that my last sentence in the first post..where I said Why do men act the way they do..I know not all men behave in this manner...so I just wanted to clarify this. I don't want to offend anyone.

[Owl]

This is called an emotional affair. It's every bit as damaging and devestating as if they'd been physically intimate.

 

Is your counselor a specialist in HELPING marriages deal with infidelity? If not, I'd seriously suggest you seek one immediately.

 

The key defining moment of an affair is when one spouse begins HIDING something from the other about their relationship with someone else.

[whichwayisup]

If he is such good friends with her, he should INCLUDE YOU in the friendship, as well as her husband. Do the couples thing and go out for dinner.

 

Men and women can be friends, but spouses have to be included. Unless you have a childhood friend who's like a brother you pal around with, it's not really normal or good for a marriage to have them going out alone, going to bars and sharing intimate things, things that he should be sharing with YOU.

 

The emails should be okay for you to read. IF there is nothing to hide, nothing inappropriate going on, then he shouldn't care if you read them or if you overhear a phone conversation.

 

He's putting himself in a situation and allowing feelings to grow with her. That's wrong. I would talk to HER husband about the amount of time these two spend talking and emailing...