1 Year NC: How to approach reconciliation?

[whiteduvet]

This is long...I'm a lurker, appreciate any insight!

 

Here are the characters: me, 28, I'm a freelance graphic designer. Chris, 30, works in finance.

 

Here is the timeline:

 

May 2013: I meet Chris on Tinder in Dallas (where I'm from). He lives in SF. We have long distance texting friendship until...

 

July 2014: I move to SF.

 

July-December 2014: We start dating. We're hanging almost every night.

 

I complain about his lack of "effort" bc all he wants to do is hang at home but I put up with it because I really like him.

 

Unbeknownst to me, he has no money outside of rent/basics because he's pulling his parents out of debt.

 

On top of that, he is exhausted because:

• He's working 80 hours/week
  
• He was recently diagnosed with an auto-immune disease.
  

 

Obviously he's exhausted and never wants to "do" anything -- movies, walks, nothing. I work from home, and I want to go out at night! I am literally ITCHING to get out of the house.

 

January 2015: He breaks down and tells me about his parents' financial situation, his exhaustion, etc. I had no idea.

 

He thinks I expect expensive dates. I assure him I just want to spend time with him outside of his apartment, even if it's just a walk.

 

February 2015: He tells me he's in love with me. I tell him I love him back.

 

Nothing changes in terms of us spending time outside of his apartment. It's always HIS schedule, HIS preferences, etc.

 

May 2015: This has been going on for months and I give him an ultimatum: either he starts giving 50% or it's over.

 

He tells me his life is too stressful (financially, emotionally, etc.) to give me the type of relationship I want. I say fine and walk.

 

Summer 2015: We keep talking but not seeing each other, even though he tries to. He calls me every time he's drunk and tells me he loves me and how he wishes he could "give me what I deserve." We text all day.

 

During this, I lose my biggest freelance client. Lots of time on my hands = it's all downhill from here...

 

September 2015: I meet a famous tech billionaire (not joking). He lasts six weeks. I tell Chris about it, thinking this will make him jealous and finally commit. MISTAKE #1.

 

He tells me he's "happy I've met someone who can give me what I want."

 

October 2015: It ends with the tech guy. I immediately call Chris and tell him what happened. He invites me to Sausalito, where he now lives.

 

I go. It's like he did a 180 on his life: he's calmer, happier, etc. We have an amazing three day weekend.

 

The next week, he texts me: "I can't get over you dating that other guy. I am in love with you and you broke my heart. I can't be with someone who would be so malicious. I can't trust you. I can't be with you right now."

 

I FREAK THE F OUT.

 

November-December 2015: I go into full-blown crazy mode: sending him love letters , showing up unannounced to tell him how sorry I am, etc.

 

We have countless crying phone calls over how I broke his heart, he loves me but can't trust me, etc. Whenever we fight, he tells me to "go back to the tech millionaire."

 

NYE 2016: I'm at a NYE party. Chris calls me. "I miss you I love you, where are you, I'm worried about you, etc." We spend the entire party on the phone.

 

January 2016: More of the same...everything from him is "You never loved me, you never will, you'll leave me like Emma (ex gf), blah blah" me assuring him "I DO LOVE YOU!"

 

Mid-Jan, his company shuts down and he's unemployed, stressed again, etc. I keep bugging him about our relationship to the point he has to ask me to stop texting him. He emotionally shuts down.

 

My life is a mess so I move back to Dallas and sublet my place in SF.

 

March/May 2016: I go back to SF twice and both times, I end up seeing him.

 

We talk in May. I will never forget this line: "Where do you even live? What are you doing with your life? You need to figure that out."

 

When Chris and I met, I was on top of the world. By this point, I realize I am a mess.

 

June-September 2016: I'm fully desperate by now, needy AF, life a mess. I feel him slipping away so I go NC for a few months. Eventually he reaches out saying he misses me.

 

September 2016: He comes to Dallas with his family. We've been talking, and I'm SO EXCITED to see him.

 

He gets here. Doesn't invite me to dinner with his family/family friend. Instead tells me to meet them at the restaurant after.

 

In the Uber on the way over, he says he's told his family I "ran into him" vs the truth, that he invited me.

 

I'm PISSED. He claims "it's easier than explaining what happened between us."

 

I don't believe him but meet up anyway. The mood is SO OFF.

 

We all go to a bar after and his family friend starts hitting on me, then asks me why I like Chris, because Chris has a GF in Colorado. I lose my **** at him and leave.

 

He chases me down the street, convinces me to talk. Swears he isn't dating this girl, says the family friend was wasted etc. I don't believe him, but later found out through an acquaintance Chris WAS telling the truth.

 

I ask him WTF has happened to us. He says it's "bad timing" and I became "too much" (well no ****), I need to figure out what I'm doing with my life, he FINALLY has his **** together and just wants to relax/be single, etc.

 

Next day he's leaving and calls to apologize.

 

That night I send him a crazy ass text saying if he wants to salvage our relationship he needs to come to Dallas and we can go from there. If he doesn't do that, it's over.

 

This is clearly crazy because 1) what relationship? lol 2) We don't even live in the same place anymore.

 

Two days later he hasn't replied, so I block his number. I have no idea what he said, if anything, but he took me off Snapchat so I know it wasn't good.

 

We have not communicated since.

 

This served as a wakeup call that I NEEDED to get my life on track.

 

Since that weekend, I've done a complete reboot. First, I've been totally NC including blocked #, social media, etc.

 

I dated someone else for five months, stopped partying/drinking as much, made yoga/spinning part of my routine. I got off all dating apps. I got some new clients. I got into cooking. I got off social media, as I realized that was a major source of anxiety.

 

I have never felt better.

 

BUT -- out of no where, a company in SF contacted me with an amazing job offer. I am probably going to take it.

 

Of course, my mind goes to Chris. He is still in SF. Deep down, I feel like this is the guy I am supposed to be with. I've never stopped thinking about him.

 

You may be wondering why since this relationship was a complete ****show...

• Chris is the most reliable, loyal person I've ever met. I have no doubt if I called him today and needed help, he'd be there, just like he was countless times for me, even when we were fighting.
  
• His work ethnic is second to none. He put aside the fun of his twenties to help his family, even though he suffered.
  
• Our senses of humor are 100% aligned.
  
• We compliment each other. I am an extrovert, he is an introvert.
  
• We have compatible goals/values: religion, kids, finances, etc.
  
• INCREDIBLE SEX!
  

I feel our relationship was the victim of the following things:

• Immaturity - we fought like dramatic teenagers. I used social media to manipulate him and lure him back in. I refused to give him the space he requested, thus making things even worse.
  
• HORRENDOUS timing - The entire time we were together, his career was unstable and all the money he was making was going to his parents. He could barely afford to feed himself and put gas in his car, let alone take me on dates. As for me...I didn't know what I was doing with myself after I lost that client. I had way too much time on my hands to obsess over him. I felt lost career-wise, and I felt financially unstable. AND, on top of this, I was still in party mode, and Chris was clearly in "stay home" mode.
  
• My craziness/neediness - I pushed. AND PUSHED. And pushed some more...until I completely turned him off. I simply refused to accept his requests for time/space. For this reason, I do worry he lost SO MUCH respect for me.
  
• Chris' selfishness - This is a tough one because he was going through a lot. But the fact of the matter is, he really wasn't willing to add me to his list of priorities at that time. His job/family were more important. He wasn't willing to meet me halfway on most things, and when he did (say, going out with me and my friends) he felt anxious and unhappy, like he was wasting time he could be working or resting. Basically, he shouldn't have been in any sort of relationship. At all.
  

Now, it's been six months since I've seen him. I've matured/grown so much since everything with him. I feel like a different person, and I imagine a lot has changed for him, too.

 

I want to reach back out with an inside joke or something casual once I'm settled in SF with everything I didn't have the first time around: chill/calm living situation, stable job, fitness routine/hobbies instead of partying/drinking...and hopefully begin a brand new relationship.

 

I believe if our lives are in the same place, it could work. By the point I would do this, it would be around 7-12 months NC/maturing/growth.

 

I would NEVER consider this if not for the following circumstances:

• Insane physical/mental/sexual chemistry
  
• 100% aligned personal life goals
  
• Both our lives are in completely different places aka circumstances are different
  
• Most of all, rereading his old texts...the amount he loved me was so obvious. I hurt him DEEPLY and am so sorry I did.
  

The MOST important thing, though -- if he didn't respond favorably/at all, I'd be okay. I've learned to be happy without him.

 

That being said, I want to know the correct path forward.

 

What are your thoughts? What do you think HIS thoughts are? How do I approach this?

 

My biggest fear is that my pushing, neediness, and desperate attitude and lack of respect for myself (ie, allowing him to sext with me when we weren't committed just to get his attention, etc.) has made him lose ALL respect for me.

 

Normally I'd give this up completely, but this situation is complicated. I know everyone thinks their situation is complicated or unique, but the fact that I did something to initially drive him away despite his professed love for me makes me think this is salvageable.

 

Please advise...thank you!

[basil67]

Honestly? I think there is too much damage done to salvage this relationship. You weren't a victim to anything - you were simply incompatible. What could his thoughts be? He may well be stuck in the past. Or he may want to find a fellow hermit to hang out with. Could be anything.

 

Most of all, I think it's a mistake to want this guy back. His lifestyle didn't suit you last time and there's no reason to believe you'll be any happier this time.

 

Move on.

[Blanco]

I'm exhausted just reading that. Have you considered the two of you only had a few months of dating that didn't involve a ton of drama? And even that was not all great times, because you two were just hanging out at his place all the time and never going anywhere.

 

It just sounds like a huge mess and you two have never really been in a place where you were operating smoothly as a true partnership.

[ExpatInItaly]

It doesn't sound worth revisiting, OP.

 

Do you know if he's even still single?

[whiteduvet]

I know he is still single. We have several mutual friends who have told me, and I can see the ridiculous memes he likes on Instagram...all things like "You can't get dumped if you don't have a girlfriend!"

 

I definitely only laid out the BAD things in my first post -- none of the good times, because I was trying to keep it concise, which clearly I didn't LOL.

 

I've been able to successfully move on from several people. This guy just STICKS in my brain!

 

We get such a kick out of each other -- that was my favorite thing about being around him, just laughing, making fun of each other, etc. Most of all, though, his loyalty s

 

I believe it didn't work because his life was WAY too stressful for him to prioritize a relationship, and I was too immature to CALMLY scale back -- instead, I flipped out, and all the above drama ensued.

 

I guess I just don't want to make a fool of myself (weird...I was re-reading some of texts, and he is afraid of me doing the same thing to him...) by wanting to open up a conversation so many months later. I just feel like I'm in a completely different place: ready to "settle down" more into the lifestyle he prefers (hanging out in the yard, NOT going out every night, etc.) because I'm done with the partying lifestyle of my 20's. SO over it.