aileD Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 For most of you guys the situation is easy and decision is obvious, but not for me, suddenly. I really fell for this woman, like I mentioned before, this has not been planned, at all. I've never cheated before, I've never even thought about different women, no chance. She has something in her that can't stop me from seeing her (no, no body or sex). I think of her most of the time.... So, there's the wife I have chosen and a "mistress" I've chosen to see, I normally have no problem with making decisions and I'm quite stable but this makes me weak as hell. Maybe marriage isn't for me, maybe I felt pressure to actually get married - these are just my guesses. If I tell me wife, she will definitely get mad and hurt, but she won't be an ******* for not letting me to see my son, that's for sure, she knows he's my world and I love him so much. Do I consider divorce? Yes. Do I want to hurt anyone? No... And that stops me from taking any actions. wow. You really have no idea the damage that an affair can do to a person and how they're going to react. Your wife is a nice person. I'm sure she knows you love her son. But that all changes when she finds out that you're with another woman and THAT woman didn't give a sh*t about the welfare and family of your child. Trust me, I've been there. I know my husband loved my kids but there was no way in HELL that they were going to be around a woman who saw them hurt and didn't care about that. I could not remove my husband from their lives but if I could have, I would have at that time because he was causing them too much pain as well. Everything changes when YOU ARE NO LONGER THE MAN SHE THOUGHT YOU WERE. It's not going to be civil That is all in your head. You feel the same way my husband felt about his affair partner. He was completely lost in the fantasy of it all. Completely. He left to go be with her. I won't go into all the drama and details but ....He's home now and she's alone. You sound so much like him. Sigh. do what you have to do.....You will have a harsh reality though...just be prepared for it. I feel bad for your wife and kid 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 agree....but hard truth. Kid is 2 months old. OP divorces wife and is a great dad.....but BS remarries when the kid is say, 3....that kid is going to grow up with a stepfather being there every night at dinner, every bedtime, every morning, etc...while OP is only going to be there on the days he has visitation. He can still be a good dad, but where his kid is so young he is likely to grow up feeling like stepdad raised him. It's a harsh reality of divorce. I remember my dad being upset that I wanted my stepfather and him to both walk me down the aisle. But my stepdad was just as much a dad to me as my real dad who I saw only on weekends/every other weekend. Why only visitation? That's where parents mess up & put their kids to the side. My H & I separated for almost a year, it was open custody. Our child got to pick when & where she wanted to see us & even if we had divorced, it would have continued the same way. My sister Inlaw had been divorced for years & her & her ex hate each other, the kids see both of them everyday & the parents both are remarried. The only time when "visitation" comes into play is bc the parents aren't putting their kids first & allowing their own feelings & issues get in the way. People are fully capable of figuring out custody on their own but put their own crap in front of their kids...unless actual abuse, their isn't any reason a child should have to deal with only visitation from either parent. OP...yes it's wrong to have an A but if you're truly not happy, you have to choose for yourself what you really want & or you'll continue to be lying to everyone & it's no way to live, not just for your BW but your own wellbeing...good luck Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I think he'd be getting a lot more sympathy & understanding if he said that he was unhappy. His sex life got a bit boring lately (WHILST HIS WIFE WAS PREGNANT & with a new born) so he set out to have commitmentless easy sex. He states that his wife, his marriage etc is really good & he loves her!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I think he'd be getting a lot more sympathy & understanding if he said that he was unhappy. His sex life got a bit boring lately (WHILST HIS WIFE WAS PREGNANT & with a new born) so he set out to have commitmentless easy sex. He states that his wife, his marriage etc is really good & he loves her!! Loving someone doesn't equal happy being with them or happy in situation you're in with them, just means you love them. There's plenty of people I love that I wouldn't live with doesn't mean I don't love them. He also stated maybe marriage isn't for him, maybe it's not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 (edited) agree....but hard truth. Kid is 2 months old. OP divorces wife and is a great dad.....but BS remarries when the kid is say, 3....that kid is going to grow up with a stepfather being there every night at dinner, every bedtime, every morning, etc...while OP is only going to be there on the days he has visitation. He can still be a good dad, but where his kid is so young he is likely to grow up feeling like stepdad raised him. It's a harsh reality of divorce. I remember my dad being upset that I wanted my stepfather and him to both walk me down the aisle. But my stepdad was just as much a dad to me as my real dad who I saw only on weekends/every other weekend. But you still knew your Dad and he was still in your life. Divorce happens but people still have a relationship with their kids. Having a step Dad to love you to just means double the love in your life. I think it is the responsibility of both parents to make sure the kids know the divorce is not about them but each other. That the wayward spouse may no longer love them but will always love their children. Too many times the betrayed spouse will turn the kids against the wayward spouse and that's not fair. Edited February 23, 2017 by stillafool 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 (edited) What do you mean "they can find happiness with someone else" bc he's cheating on his wife doesn't mean another man gets to be his father...bc someone is bad in a relationship doesn't equal them a bad parent. My dad cheated, bad husband, awesome dad. A parent becomes a bad parent when they put their kid to the side, not bc they choose to leave their spouse. What do you think he's already doing? He himself admits to being away a lot, and what's he doing in his spare time? Is he at home with his son or out with his ow? Parents who are divorced can still parent well, but the op sounds like he wants to be there for the fun stuff, not the day to day diaper changes, scraped knees and a broken heart from puppy love. Those aren't "fun". It's also hard to get past that he cheated on his pregnant wife, putting her mental and physical health at risk , and also his unborn child. If that is how someone shows they love their child, they are in serious need of help. Edited February 23, 2017 by wmacbride Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 What do you think he's already doing? He himself admits to being away a lot, and what's he doing in his spare time? Is he at home with his son or out with his ow? Parents who are divorced can still parent well, but the op sounds like he wants to be there for the fun stuff, not the day to day diaper changes, scraped knees and a broken heart from puppy love. Those aren't "fun". It's also hard to get past that he cheated on his pregnant wife, putting her mental and physical health at risk , and also his unborn child. If that is how someone shows they love their child, they are in serious need of help. Statistically, a lot of men cheat during their wives pregnancy, it's not uncommon at all, especially if they married just bc it was the "next step" & not out of 100% really wanting to or being ready...& statistically men that cheat within the first 5 years of marriage do so more bc of marital dissatisfaction vs men that are satisfied in their marriage & only looking for sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nathan234 Posted February 24, 2017 Author Share Posted February 24, 2017 You all really want to make me a bad guy, don't you?! ;-) What do you think he's already doing? He himself admits to being away a lot, and what's he doing in his spare time? Is he at home with his son or out with his ow? Very, very interesting insights, please show me a paragraph when I admit such a nonsense. The truth is, I don't spend my "spare time" with my mistress, we meet during my work and SOMETIMES in the evenings when I know I don't have anything planned. My wife is usually away, I don't want to come to the empty house. We talk a little when I'm at home, we almost never talk in the evenings, we almost never talk in the weekends, we meet only Monday-Friday, sometimes we go shopping together or she's with me at work. So you still think I don't change diapers, don't wake up at night to feed him, don't bath him. And who do you think cook and clean? Parents who are divorced can still parent well, but the op sounds like he wants to be there for the fun stuff, not the day to day diaper changes, scraped knees and a broken heart from puppy love. Those aren't "fun". I think I explained myself enough in the previous part. I know you don't have sympathy to me, so I understand. However, you are very, very, very, VEEERY wrong my dear. And you know what, yes I do have a lot of fun with my mistress, but she knows how to annoy me, she gives me a loooooot of headache sometimes, but I deal with it because it's more than sex. She's really amazing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nathan234 Posted February 24, 2017 Author Share Posted February 24, 2017 So, you all are wondering if I spoke with my wife - yes. I think that no one expect what happened (I didn't). I've learned yesterday that my wife is also having an affair, for 2 years and is happy with that guy and also considered divorce. So I think she was with me mostly for my money I guess. We're done, I don't even feel like working things out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 I think you and your wife are a perfect match. Reconsider. You both have common qualities 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nathan234 Posted February 24, 2017 Author Share Posted February 24, 2017 I think you and your wife are a perfect match. Reconsider. You both have common qualities No need to be mean. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 So, you all are wondering if I spoke with my wife - yes. I think that no one expect what happened (I didn't). I've learned yesterday that my wife is also having an affair, for 2 years and is happy with that guy and also considered divorce. So I think she was with me mostly for my money I guess. We're done, I don't even feel like working things out. My goodness, and you both brought a child into this mess. One can never regret a child, but your child deserves more than two selfish parents... But, you have your answer. She has made your choice for you. Best of luck with your mistress. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 LOL. How convenient . So what's next....DNA test? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 So, you all are wondering if I spoke with my wife - yes. I think that no one expect what happened (I didn't). I've learned yesterday that my wife is also having an affair, for 2 years and is happy with that guy and also considered divorce. So I think she was with me mostly for my money I guess. We're done, I don't even feel like working things out. Well, no matter what, I'm sure this was a bit of a shock to you, so condolences on that front. It sounds like it probably is for the best for you two to split. Hopefully over time you can eventually manage to keep a civil relationship between the two of you for the child's sake. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nathan234 Posted February 24, 2017 Author Share Posted February 24, 2017 LOL. How convenient . So what's next....DNA test? I guess... Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 So, you all are wondering if I spoke with my wife - yes. I think that no one expect what happened (I didn't). I've learned yesterday that my wife is also having an affair, for 2 years and is happy with that guy and also considered divorce. So I think she was with me mostly for my money I guess. We're done, I don't even feel like working things out. Well then the choice has been made for you...any break up is hard but maybe you're better off if you weren't happy in the first place...also your son won't remember you together which may be easier for him in the long run. Good luck 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nathan234 Posted February 24, 2017 Author Share Posted February 24, 2017 Well, no matter what, I'm sure this was a bit of a shock to you, so condolences on that front. It sounds like it probably is for the best for you two to split. Hopefully over time you can eventually manage to keep a civil relationship between the two of you for the child's sake. We shall try, thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 So, you all are wondering if I spoke with my wife - yes. I think that no one expect what happened (I didn't). I've learned yesterday that my wife is also having an affair, for 2 years and is happy with that guy and also considered divorce. So I think she was with me mostly for my money I guess. We're done, I don't even feel like working things out. Well, that just makes it easier for the both of you. Each of you now can be with your affair partners (though is hers married or single?) and live apart. Just always put your child first and be good parents on friendly terms. And most of all, don't allow your OW or her OM around your child. not for a long time, there's a lot of adjustments and it's not fair to change a childs life so drastically and then have him have to face a new step parent. Don't move in with your OW either, you need time alone before hopping out of a marriage and starting a new life with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 No need to be mean. It was a statement/observation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nathan234 Posted February 25, 2017 Author Share Posted February 25, 2017 Best of luck with your mistress. She's no longer a mistress I reckon. And thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nathan234 Posted February 25, 2017 Author Share Posted February 25, 2017 Well, that just makes it easier for the both of you. Each of you now can be with your affair partners (though is hers married or single?) and live apart. Just always put your child first and be good parents on friendly terms. And most of all, don't allow your OW or her OM around your child. not for a long time, there's a lot of adjustments and it's not fair to change a childs life so drastically and then have him have to face a new step parent. Don't move in with your OW either, you need time alone before hopping out of a marriage and starting a new life with someone else. No drastic moves, we will leave it like that. The only thing that will definitely change, no more sneaking and that makes me happy for sure. Her partner is also single now (divorced). My child will always be number 1 and I will provide the best parenting skills I can. This was never going to change, though. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 Get a DNA test done, you are responsible for that child financially until they are adults and or until they finish their schooling. The chances are high that it could be the other man's child, why pay for his child if they are going to be together anyway? You need to talk to a lawyer. Sure didn't see this one coming. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 Definitely get the DNA test. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 So, you all are wondering if I spoke with my wife - yes. I think that no one expect what happened (I didn't). I've learned yesterday that my wife is also having an affair, for 2 years and is happy with that guy and also considered divorce. So I think she was with me mostly for my money I guess. We're done, I don't even feel like working things out. Well that must have been a relief. Why would you say you don't feel like working things out when your plan was to divorce and be with your mistress? It seems that now everything is perfect. It should be an easy divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nathan234 Posted March 8, 2017 Author Share Posted March 8, 2017 Well that must have been a relief. Why would you say you don't feel like working things out when your plan was to divorce and be with your mistress? It seems that now everything is perfect. It should be an easy divorce. I was ready to work things out if she was willing to... I mean, I wasn't sure what reaction I will get. My mistress is a very important person to me and if I decided to work on my marriage, she'd always have a special place in my heart and life. I was extremely afraid of losing my status and family, friends... But we're in peace now, I know it was meant to happen, there's absolutely no regret from any of us. We all (including the baby) will have to accept the fact that he will eventually have us as parents and two additional step parents. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts