Staying togeather for the kids

[Stone]

*sigh* As most of you know I have been unhappy in my relationship for over 1 1/2 years, my b/f is Bi Polor and it always seems like my feelings are not valid because of his emotional baggage. We haven't had sex since my daughter was conceived ( 11 months ago) I am nolonger attracted to him, we rarley spend time togeather my needs just are not being meet in this relationship. But on the other hand the needs of my children are.

 

My son is not my b/f's BIO father and my b/f treats him like he is his own. He coaches his baseball teams, takes him on "Movie Dates" once a week, attends his speech and pshycial therapy, he is just an AWASOME father to my little one, my son is disabled and can be a HUGE challange, my b/f has never complained or lost his temper with him witch is more than I can say about myself.

 

My daughter is only 3 weeks, and although he boycotted the pregnancy he has also been wonderful with her, he wakes up to change her, he stopped going to the bar because he wants to feed her before he goes to sleep.

 

He is also extreamly financialy secure witch helps alot with the kids, and makes my life a little easier so I can focus on the children. We don't HATE eachother, we've tried counceling, I've tried everything and we just are not happy.

 

He wants to stay togeather for the children, I do to but there is a HUGE void in my life without being loved and I just don't know what to do about it.

[blind_otter]

Hey girl,

 

I think it's important not only to look at how he treats the kids, but also the example of what a loving partnership is....which is what children learn from their parent(s)...in many ways staying in a loveless marriage teaches children, on some level, that an unhealthy relationship is OK. I think, anyways. I have parents that are very much in love with each other, andI honestly don't know what I would do if I had grown up without their example to compare my relationships to. I would probably still be stuck in that horrible abusive relationship with my psych-ex....

 

You have a difficult choice to make. But an unhappy mom is NEVER a good thing for children to have to cope with.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Some people are able to work out "deals" and stay together for the kids.

My brother is one of those . He and his wife have worked it out that they just exist in the marriage for the kids.. No cheating.. but they also don't have sex that much either ( last I heard it was like twice a year )

 

His theory was that in a divorce he would never see the kids.. This way he sees them every day and participates in their daily lives.

 

He is never really happy ona day to day basis but he plonks right along for the kids.

 

I think this is a huge mistake.. It's giving the kids the wrong impression on how a marriage should be.

Kids are a product of their enviroment and will repeat the poor marriage traits.

 

Bipolar people are extremly hard to live with and can be dangerous to the mental health of your children.

They will be affected by his mood swings and bipolar behavior as you have... You say you have no feelings for him.. Well what do you think they have.. Remember they are children and will tell you what you want to hear.

 

just my 2 cents

[Stone]

humm.. good points my parents are in a loveless marriage and have been for 27 years they even had diffrent bedrooms while I was growing up and still do... I wonder if this is learned behavior on my behalf

 

I just feel like leaving the relationship will be doing my son a HUGE disservice his Bio father is a peice of **** junkie, I wouldn't want to take my b/f away from him or replace him

[alphamale]

when a parent starts to put their own needs before the childrens', then there is a problem...

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by alphamale

when a parent starts to put their own needs before the childrens', then there is a problem...

 

So you think it's a good thing to grow up with parents who sleep in separate bedrooms? My exH was like that. His Mother was visibly repulsed by her husband, but they were staunch Christians who didn't believe in divorce. So they stayed together and she looked old before her time, led a sad, miserable, lonely life, and her children were sad, lonely, and miserable right along with her.

 

The only word to describe the household they grew up in -- CHILLY. It was so cold there, even in the hottest months of summer. Emotionally empty. It was like a houshold of 4 roommates who weren't even really friendly with each other.

 

I actually did a research review of maternal attachment and developmental milestones with young children when I was in undergrad, and it showed that mothers who were unhappy or depressed had children who took a bit longer to attain developmental milestones, and who were prone to early-onset clinical depression and other behavioral problems. Never underestimate the importance of teaching children healthy behaviors through example.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by blind_otter

So you think it's a good thing to grow up with parents who sleep in separate bedrooms?

As a child i'd rather have both parents under the same roof even if they sleep in seperate bdrms than to just have one there or none.

 

If you decide to have kids then take care of them the best you can and put their needs first....or just don't have kids in the 1st place.

 

A lot of kids are totally screwed up in the head here in the U.S. because their parents just threw in the towel...

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by alphamale

As a child i'd rather have both parents under the same roof even if they sleep in seperate bdrms than to just have one there or none.

 

If you decide to have kids then take care of them the best you can and put their needs first....or just don't have kids in the 1st place.

 

A lot of kids are totally screwed up in the head here in the U.S. because their parents just threw in the towel...

 

lame. Let's look at this specific situation rather than using this as some kind of platform for a sociological dissertation.

 

She's with her BF, who ditched her while she was preggo, who is bipolar, who she has no feelings for. On the up side he is financially stable and a pretty good father.

 

I'd counter your little soapbox statement with "A lot of kids are totally screwed up in the head in the US because their parents f*cked them up."

 

You can ignore the research I pointed out if you like. No problemo. End of debate.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by blind_otter

I'd counter your little soapbox statement with "A lot of kids are totally screwed up in the head in the US because their parents f*cked them up."

that is great then B_0...then STONE can leave her b/f and go shack up with some other dude who she has great "feelings" for and who knows, maybe the new dude will have no job or work at mickie d's for $6/hr and not take care of her kids. would that be a better scenario for everyone involved??

[Stone]

That is exactally why I am so torn in this situation, the last thing I want to do is bring several men around my kids, I don't believe in that. But I have never been happy in any relationship I have been in sure it's good for awhile, but sooner or later my relationships become miserable, ( I take full responsibility for that.. I chose the bastards )

 

I see both POV witch is why this is just eating me alive, If I decided to break it off he would get joint cusody of my daughter and I can't deal with that at the moment, plus I don't want to put myself in a situation where my son gets dropped by yet another man. He says he would never do that but I am sure if he got remarried or found someone else there would be issues with him picking up my son to.. I won't do anything to hurt my kids and I am afraid leaving him will...

 

Maby I should just have an affair

[Outcast]

Isn't this guy also an alcoholic?

[Stone]

Yea, he has a "dual diagnosis" witch is Bipolor and Alcholic he only started drinking when I became pregnant. He hasn't been drunk since about a week before our daughter was born but all in all it's only been a month.

 

I do think the baby changed him, and will make him more responsible ect. but I am so betrayed for the way he treated me during the pregnancy, lack of sex, ect I can't get over it.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Stone

But I have never been happy in any relationship I have been in sure it's good for awhile, but sooner or later my relationships become miserable, ( I take full responsibility for that.. I chose the bastards )

If it makes u feel any better STONE...the above happens to most people.

 

Originally posted by Stone

but I am so betrayed for the way he treated me during the pregnancy, lack of sex, ect I can't get over it.

most men have a hard time dealing with a pregnant woman in a sexual way. it is fairly normal and should pass soon.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

I think there are 2 ways to look at this ..

 

First you have the bipolar/alcoholic bf that can do an enormous amount of damage to both of your childrens mental health as well as yours.. But since you have already detached the damage won't be as bad for you as the kids.

 

 

Then you have to balance that with having both parents raising the children and having the stability of having him pay the bills.

 

Tough call ..

 

Historically practicing alcoholics become worse with time not better .. So his drinking and drunk behavior will get worse. the bipolar disorder if controlled with medication and therapy should not get worse.

[laRubiaBonita]

Stone, you two need to talk work it out.

maybe he feels similar...wants to date others, but is afraid that you will get mad if he mentions it, and keep him from the kids.

 

tell him how great a father to the kiddles he is, etcc........that you do want to stay together as a family, in the same home, but not together with him in any sort of romantic way.

[Stone]

We talk all the time but his Bipolor ( or so he claims) won't let him understand how anyone feels because he is hurt and confused all the time ( I stoped trying to understand that one awhile ago)

 

He says he doesn't want to have sex with anyone else, that he just doesn't have the urge to have sex. There is a 12 year age diffrence between us, I don't know if that is a factor or not. He asked if we wanted to be Swingers I asked him if he wanted to skrew other chicks and he said no but he feels bad for me so I can skrew other guys as long as we're togeather.

 

I don't think so, I am not Anti- Swinger at all, and in a normal situation I would jump at that chance but it would freak me out with him evern being there plus it will just cause us more problems than we already have.

[blind_otter]

Yeah, ALPHA, being raised around parents who don't love each other, and an alcoholic bipolar father is all GREAT as long as he keeps brinigng money home. money fixes everything!!!

 

OK, back to reality. I grew up with hardly any money. We had one room A/C in the house I was born in, we all slept in my parents room in the summer. no dishwasher, no cable TV, no computer, my mom sewed all our clothes. But I remember being happier then, than I have been since.

 

Stone - that whole thing about not being able to understand other people's feelings is a frikkin' cop out, it has nothing to do with the DSM diagnosis of bipolar mood disorder AKAIK. There might be some co-morbid psychological disorder along with his bipolar mood disorder which could cause that, but I thought that was more of a problem with the autism-spectrum of disorders. Cop-out meaning, it takes mental effort to look at situations from other people's perspectives and even if he can attribute this to his mental illness, it simply takes more effort to overcome that issue and if it's important to the relationship you two share, he should address it.

 

Is he taking his medication, at least? I mean, you have some pros on his side, but a lot of cons as well...

[soccorsilly]

I don't think staying togeteher for the sake of the kids is good under any circumstance. My parents did for a while and it served no purpose only to prolong the inevitable. My sister was a teen when they divorced--tough age.

 

I divorced my wife when my oldest was 7 and the youngest was 3, so they really have known no other life--for the most part. I am still involved in their lives (they are with me 50% of the time) and I am on good terms with their mom.

 

Kids will pick up animosity between parents, and you will only grow to resent him. There is nothign that says he cannot still do movie dates with your son or be a good dad to his daughter. It is all up to the adults to decide if that is what they want to do.

 

Your dilemna boils down to the fact that he is financially secure. This can be a biggie, but honestly what is that security costing you and your children? You are in financial planning right? If so, you ought to be able to do pretty well for yourself, PLUS you should be gettign some sort of child support from your BF and your son's dad.

 

There are a gazillion single moms and dads out there that are making it fine without a spouse. I know that I am. Sure money is a LOT tighter since the divorce, but the kids are adapting and to be honest they seem a lot happier now that we are apart.

[Stone]

Yea he does pretty good on his meds. He was my best friend before we started this relationship, I just wish he still was. or if we break up I hope we can still remain good friends.

 

I do make good money while I am working, but I am not right now.. maby I won't feel so trapped once I get back to work. Working from home isn't cutting it but I need to find a good nanny

[clandestinidad]

I dont think ppl should stay together for the kids. It teaches too many negative things about relationships, as well as lack of self-respect and emotional boundaries (meaning that kids will learn to suffer through bad relationships and not have high self-esteem, etc)

 

Personally, I had an awful time growing up. Parents always fighting, verbal abuse, physical abuse (I had to call the cops...very rough on a kid, esp. when they get blamed/put down for it by the person they were trying to protect)...my mother repeatedly told me that if she had to do it over again she would never marry him....that the only good thing that came out of it was me (nice on one hand, devastating on the other...esp. hard to hear this on a day that was supposed to be joyous)....etc

 

anyway, I think you get my point about how damaging it is to the children.....it doesnt make them feel any better knowing that their parents are miserable in life because they were born...if they werent around, then the parents would be happy, b/c then they wouldnt be stuck together (thats kid logic....and kids KNOW when people are just staying together b/c theyre there, even if the words are never said)

[Stone]

I am going to give it atleast one more year. this way I can make sure that I am home with the baby in the begining and get everything situated. I would do anything for my kids even if that is being completely miserable with him.

 

We don't argue infront of them, and we do have alot of faimly time togeather witch I believe is healthy for them. So I am committing myself to 1 more year and trying to make the best of it, hopefully things will change but I wont count on it.

 

BTW last night I handed him the baby, put my son to sleep and went to the bar alone.. it felt really good and for once he was up having to think about WTF I was doing

[spiritual73]

If a person is not happy, then everyone suffers including the children. Children absorb more than any of us can imagine, and they will one day wonder why you and your husband don't show affection to one another. This could in turn affect how they show love and affection to another(just an assumption here). I've never believed in the whole staying together for the kids bit. My girlfriend was in the same boat as you are, and finally said enough because she wasn't happy or getting what she needed from her relationship. Now she's been seperated from him for about 3 years, and her children have adjusted wonderfully and still have that quality time with their dad too. Both the kids are healthy, and happy now, when before they seemed so withdrawn and quiet. It's a choice one has to make, and it can't be about the money, and for the kids. It's about you too, your human....do you not have feelings and rights? My advice, do what you have to do to be happy with life, you only live once so live it well.

"PEACE"

[CarmenIbanez]

You can choose to stay in the marriage, and you can choose to be happy for your kids at the same time. Everyone talks about staying in the marriage and being MISERABLE, but misery is a state of mind. Every state of mind is a decision made to live your life a certain way. I stayed in my marriage for my child, AND decided to be happy about it because I felt I was doing the right thing and doing the right thing made me happy. Eventually, after deciding to accept my situation and make the best of it, I fell back in love with my spouse. Sounds corny, huh? But it wasn't. It wasn't a choice to make myself love him again, it just ended up being a natural evolution of my decision to NOT be miserable, but to give myself the respect I deserved for making the right choices.

 

Choose the life you want. You're the only one who can.

[Ditherer]

You can choose to stay in the marriage, and you can choose to be happy for your kids at the same time ... I stayed in my marriage for my child, AND decided to be happy about it ... Eventually, after deciding to accept my situation and make the best of it, I fell back in love with my spouse.

 

I was enjoying this thread up to this point! I want to leave my marriage, which unfortunately means leaving two kids behind, so it was good to see the general consensus here that staying together unhappily doesn't work. This isn't the first time I've seen this 'DECIDE TO LOVE HER' strategy mentioned, but it puzzles me...

 

I'm having a huge problem understanding how I could CHOOSE to make the best of it, and somehow fall for my wife.. considering I've never felt that strongly for her since day one. I presume this only works if you have AT LEAST in the early days had a lot of love and respect for your partner - so you'd be building upon the strong foundations that the relationship is based upon. Don't ask me why I made the mistake of marrying someone I wasn't sure about - there's not much I can do about that now - but I can't see how I could DECIDE to love someone when it's never really been there. Yes, I've felt very close (when we used to make love) and been very fond of her, enough to think that marrying her wasn't the worst thing I could do (I had self-esteem issues and couldn't believe I'd ever find anyone better) .. I'd wanted to split early on in the relationship but couldn't handle her distraught reaction.. I caved in and got sort of stuck with it. Later I married her on the rebound from an 'affair' that hadn't worked out, thinking I'd better be grateful that SOMEONE wanted me.. I've always felt trapped and stuck to her.. it's never felt *right* though, I can't feel what I feel I NEED to feel for her, and it's getting worse and worse as time goes by. I decided to go along with having kids in the hope that it would give my life meaning, but it hasn't been the answer. I love them to bits, I've got a 'comfortable rut' going here, we don't argue (I just put up with things) but it's VERY dull at the best of times and there's simply too much missing in my heart. I've had an emotional affair this year, and it's opened my eyes *A*LOT* - it was awesome at first but extremely painful to be dumped (so I know what misery I'd inflict upon my wife). I just need a bit more courage to grab what I really want from life, however selfish that sounds - I feel I've given her my best years and a fair chance at making it work, she's got two great kids from me and will have half a house (at least) that I'll maintain her in, but I want out - to make the best of whatever time I have left (40 is very close! No, I don't think it's a mid-life thing).

 

Yes, I suppose I could make an effort to be cheerful and warmer to her, resume daily contact with her, even try to get the old xxx life up and running again... things would certainly be a lot happier around here than they are now (I've been so cold to her lately). But we're not on the same level, we don't communicate well, we're mismatched in ways that are important to me and can't be fixed or ignored. I'm CERTAIN I'd still be feeling like we're just two so-so friends who happen to live together, I'd still avoid her whenever possible, the kids would know it's not right and would be set an awful example. I'd still be sickened by the thought of growing old with her glued to my side. I'd still yearn for affairs and want the romance and strength of connection that I've never had with her. I've *seen* GREAT relationships, but never experienced one that lasted yet.. and this marriage certainly comes *nowhere* close. I don't want to waste the rest of my life! I'm glad your efforts paid off for YOU, but do you REALLY believe it could apply to a case like mine? Do you STRONGLY believe it's a universal remedy? I WOULD give it ONE MORE TRY to get closer again, if I *honestly* thought it stood a **GREAT** chance of working out longterm, but I'm 98% sure it's not worth the effort because a split seems so inevitable. It's *MY* decision, so please don't feel that you *HAVE*TO* urge me to do what you believe is right, it's not your 'mission' to persuade me to save my marriage - I'll take all the blame for leaving... but I'd be interested to see what you think.

 

Thanks!

[tablesalt]

Hello Ditherer I'm new here myself and I'm not one to post on everything thats read in here but my urge to respond to you is getting the best of me;)

Do yourself a favor and your wife and leave!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You sound very unhappy:( and I'm sure if you feel the way you post your wife and kids know your unhappy they more than likely are too.

Have you tried marriage counsling?

You only live once as stated before be darn;) if I'd be misarable!