Letter to parents with ongoing situations *its long-no cliff notes*

[simon22]

This is the letter that I sent my mom, last night. We have not been speaking for a while. If you have time to read this and give some input it would be appreciated. I know its long. Thanks for your time.

 

Mom,

 

This is a very lengthy letter, I hope that you read this first, and then let Dad read it. I hope you were listening on the phone when me and dad had our talk. I am not sure what was said and wanted to give you the facts straight from my mouth. First, I just wanted to let you know that I love you and appreciate you. Nothing will ever change that fact. I am

sorry that you became upset. It hurt me to hear you cry, and it hurts me just thinking about it right now. I hope that I can explain how I'm feeling in this letter since I'm unable to do so on the telephone. I will go ahead and admit that one of my greatest faults, is that I am not totally honest with the way I feel about things. I need to be totally

honest with you upfront and not let it build up and let you know how I feel as its happening. As you are reading this, please don't assume I'm trying to bash/beat-up anyone. I feel its time some issues in our family gets addressed. I'm going to make the first step and try to communicate my issues to you. I want you to do the same to me. I'm willing to take any criticism. I know that I have issues in my own life and I am willing to work to correct them.

 

I want to address the phone issue first, I *NEVER* said, I didn't want you to call me ever again. I love our conversations but I also have other things that are going on in my life. That doesn't mean you are cut out from my life. I started going to the gym to get me and *name removed* in better health, but for some reason you told everyone that you couldn't call at night. All I wanted you to do was call during a time I was less busy and could talk without interruptions. I told you that during lunchtime everyday, I don't go out and stay here, I sit alone for an entire hour. I'm sure there are some days you might not be at home during that time and we can easily work around that. Dad told me that you are upset if I let you go on the telephone too quick and you would cry. You also told me that the one day I was on vacation and we didn't talk you cried. I am honestly not sure how to handle this situation.

I wish that you wouldn't take it so personal and that I'm trying to hurt you, because I am not. There is times that we won't be able to talk daily, but that doesn't mean I don't love you or don't want to talk ever again. Most days, I work my tail off at work, go home and try to start cleaning then go workout and want to spend some quiet time with *name removed* before we have children. If anything, you should be glad I'm earning an honest living, trying to lose weight and spending time with my wife. I'm not sure why its not acceptable to you to realize I have a life too. You did your job with me, you raised me and cared for me and loved me. I am sorry it hurt you for me to move out of the house, but it was time for me to grow into a man. Now, I am 26 and have my own family I am responsible for.

 

On the dad issue, thats another thing. When I was growing up, I had fear of dad, not only the constant fear he was going to "throw me out" but fear of him hitting me (not only the uncontrollable belt whippings but the other shove/throw things/get in my face) As I had to re-live the painful memories of him shoving me to the ground when I was saying basketball, I felt lots of different emotion (hatred, anger, wanting to cry). But instead of crying, I got all madder (which was unproductive and pointless). The memories of him trying to put a dress on me when I didn't want to go hunting (or some function). To the raging times, he

pulled the car over and beat me. I'm not really sure if my anger towards him is because of the things he did to me or the things he did to you or the things he did to his dog. After you told me that dad tried to strangle you right before the *location removed* house was built, it added to my fury. I remember many nights that the fights that went on, the remote controls thrown at you and I could simply do nothing. The names he called you and total disrespect for you as his wife calling you woman, instead of Mom. Or the time he couldn't even sign your birthday card because he was so busy with his precious house. Also, it hurt me to

hear about the things happening to brownie. Or the recent most embarrasing, saying in front of *name removed*, he wanted to "KILL CLEVELAND" , literally-not joking. But enough of that, you told me you lost the weight for a certain reason and I honestly wanted to see you happy. I

didn't want you to go through a divorce but those were rough times. I wish I had a magical way to erase those memories but I do not. I have had many nightmares as an adult about those things. I've tried to numb these memories, but they always seem to reappear specifically when he got on the phone saying "Boy-listen.." just like he used to do. Yes, a

lot of my beef is with him, I would be willing to work towards a healthy relationship with him, but I am not sure if its even possible. I do care for him, but there is a lot of resentment as you can probably tell.

 

The thing I heard the most of was that I never wanted anything to do with anyone and thats the reason he loved/took care/played with my sister more. Thats a pretty lame excuse. Hear me out, So as a parent, one kid is open and the other sticks to himself. So lets just ignore/abuse the quiet one. Its always been that way, you/dad were always close to *name removed*

and wanted to do everything with her. Even today, weekly trips to her house and yearly visits to mine. Please don't use the arguement that you weren't invited. I'm sure that *name removed* doesn't call you weekly saying, "Why don't ya'll come down on Wednesday?" It probably goes like this, "Hey hoen, daddy wants to come see!" and she says, Sure. Even when you came down to *name removed*'s you wouldn't drive the extra few miles to eat lunch with me. You ate lunch with me around 3 times in the past year, how many visits to *name removed*'s house was there?

 

He also asked me if I took drugs in *location removed*. I am shocked to of been asked that question. I responded No, and he said "Come on". Jesus Christ knows the answer is, "I never took drugs in my entire life". During those times, I was suffering with depression and low self-esteem. I needed to go to counceling, not being wrongfully accused of drug usage.

There was lots of kids using drugs when I was in high school and I simply refused to do them. One of the reasons, I quit hanging out with Brian was because he was getting into marijuana.

 

Before everyone who reads this thinks I am placing blame on everyone else. I want to go ahead and point out, I'm responsible for acting hateful and mean at times. Yes, I liked to stick to myself, and enjoyed doing my own thing. Many times I didn't want to talk to anyone. Other times, I didn't want to build things or cut grass. I'm sorry I didn't fill up the tank with gas that caused that huge fight. Even to this day, I have social problems. I can't stand being in crowds. I'm also very quiet at work, I have several close friends but they normally have to start the conversation.

 

About the *name removed* birthday situation, I was told we were going to do it on July 4th because you didn't think you would feel like driving back up there. I'm not sure what *name removed*/*name removed* was told but you know the truth. In the end, I looked like an idiot, because you actually had planned a saturday birthday party without telling me. That was wrong. About the part where we left early, well there wasn't much sense staying any longer. We drove 72 miles to basically watch you both hog the baby the entire time. I know your grandparents, but you also had other company in the house. I didn't need someone holding my hand the entire time,

but would of liked to of been acknowledge. We should of went to see *name removed* and I blame myself for not making the right call that day. I told dad I wouldn't get burned again and that meant if I'm in this situation again, I will be making the right call and visiting *name removed* instead.

 

The last situation I want address is my sister *name removed*, I don't want her brought into any of this situation but want to voice my opinion. I should of told you upfront that I didn't want to hear about her financial situation. I lied to my sister point blank, when she told

me she felt her bills were being looked at. She asked, "Did mother tell you anything about going through my bills?" I lied straight up to her and said "No." It amazes me how you and dad can be so close to her but yet talk about her like you do. From the "I wish she would get rid of those cats" to "They have a nasty nasty house" to "Why didn't she pick

olan-mills? Is this FUJI paper any good" to "Me and Dad are going to have a talk with her about her finances, or she will hit rock bottom!" to "I'm going to tell you, I don't like *name removed*" to "*name removed* eats us out of house and home." *name removed* is just like me, she is an adult. She doesn't have to have someone telling her where she should get baby pictures for gosh sakes. And what would you accomplish with having a talk to her about her finances, I have no clue what shape she is in, but its none of my business. If she came to me for help, I'd be there in a second. I'm still not sure why me and *name removed* are told to "love our bro/sis".

What makes you think we don't? Unless, *name removed* is being dishonest with me when we talk on the telephone, I feel our relationship is good. No, we don't talk on the telephone everyday, but I don't feel less-close to her. I'm not sure if this stems from dad's bad relationship with (D**-cause he couldn't fix his truck, J****-for being grandma's favorite, T**-for not showing up for work, K**-not selling the car to you) or yours with (C******-because n**** and her are very close).

 

Overall, I feel our family needs to stop the backstabbing, we are getting it from every angle and side. Your mad at Dad for wanting his family to come over next 4th of July, your mad at *name removed* for making the baby go to sleep, dad's mad at.., *name removed*s mad at.., I'm mad at... and the cycle just keep going round and round. Which is the reason I believe that dad decided to move to *location removed* because he could not find 1 person besides *name removed* he enjoyed spending time with. He hated his work buddies, hated his neighbors, hated his church family (empire aog) and hated me. You told me you didn't have any say in moving to *location removed*, and I'm very sorry about that. Our family has had anger problems since day 1 and that is all that we know. Imagine if all that negative energy was put towards something productive. Theres no telling where we would be. I guarantee that I wouldn't be writing this letter.

 

In conclusion, This is what I basically have wanted to say for a while but have kept it inside and I'm wrong for doing that. Let me stress that there was good times at the house too. I have happy memories too. Anyways, Remember, I love you very much. I would appreciate

if you responded that you got this letter. You don't have to defend youself or dad as this is not meant as an attack but as me being completely open and honest with you. I'm also not playing the "I'm mad, so I'm not speaking" thing. Its childish and a waste of time. I feel

its best for us to give this some time and think it over. I won't allow myself to be angered on the telephone like I was the other day, I am embarrassed that I became that angry. I also want to say I'm sorry for hurting you, and I'm sorry for being angry towards dad. If I've left out anything that I'm responsible for, please let me know-just be completely honest. I can take it. Take care and remember I'm praying for myself, you and dad.

 

Love,

*name removed*

[agnf666]

That was a good letter you wrote. That was a nice way to clear the air. In which, I hope that it does clear the air. Your mom needs to let go of you and let you grow up. That needs to happen. As for the amount of time they are spending with your sister. Taht could be because they can't let there "Little Girl" grow up.

 

Your dad would have scared me too. I can't believe you still talk to him this day. There is alot of stuff he did that he should have never done. The worst thing is that he tried to strangle your mom and she is still with him. I understand that the divorce would be a heartache, but maybe she needs a fresh start away from him for a while.

 

About the visiting thing, They probably feel that you wouldn't like them just to pop on by. So, that is why there visits with you are probably planned out far in advance. What you should do is invite them over or go over there house a little more.

 

I can't wait to hear about what she says. There is no problem with being the quiet one. That was how I was when I was little. My family situation wasn't the best, but we survived.

 

Keep me posted on what happens.

[simon22]

thanks agnf666, for reading this. I haven't heard anything back yet and prob won't. I am going to mail a copy of this on monday to them *in-case* this email got lost, which i doubt it.

[clandestinidad]

That letter is excellent, simon22. I think its always good to tell people what you think and feel, esp. when they've hurt you. They need to know what its done to you. If people decide to change and make up for it, wonderful....if they reject it then there WILL be some point in their life that they "get it" and feel like s*** about it.

 

Your parents might react badly at first...just a human defense mechanism....but hopefully they'll open their ears and hearts and take in what you've said. I'm sure you know that it will just take time.

 

I am proud of you that you are opening up like that...it takes a lot, and it means a lot.

 

If you get a really horrible reaction from it, then you might just have to accept the fact that it will never be the way it should (apparently it never HAS) and cut off ties with them...and we're here to help you through that if it happens. We should not associate or be close to people who damage us physically or mentally, whether its friends or family. Its not something we HAVE to endure. If you are more healthy without them, then it needs to be that way. Otherwise your wife and children (when/if they come into the picture) will be damaged by it too.

 

I also wanted to say that I'm proud of the fact that you stood up for your relationship with your wife, and put your mother in her place. She definately needs to let go and it means a lot that you told her so.

[simon22]

Well, it didn't go too well. I was told that I shouldn't of acted up when I was younger and I wouldn't of got the abuse/beating. I told my mom, nothing I could of done would of justified a beating. My mom seemed to of took it very hard and tried justifying their action with every part of the letter.

 

She told me she had no relationship with her husband and they put all the love/care in my sister instead. That was the only thing that was admitted. I told her how I stood on everything and she pleeded I talk it over with my dad but I declined. This isn't something too easy to forget. She is still set in her mind, that I did this letter to hurt her and not help things. In the end, I told her that I love her and will try to work on a relationship with my dad. Even tho, I am not sure it was possible.

[clandestinidad]

I'm so sorry it hasnt turned out well right now. I hope you still feel good for telling them all that, and I hope she hasnt made you feel guilty for anything...thats just manipulative. I hope this doesnt come across badly: I really think your mother has a mental problem. Based on a number of things I picked up from your posts, it really sounds like she does.

 

Your feelings are your own, and they are your reality. If people cant/wont understand or see it from your point of view, then theyre just selfish and not worth any of your time....you'll waste too much time and energy trying to make them see it your way, or trying to make THEM feel better about it all, when its YOU that should be feeling better.

 

The fact that you are able to open up and have been trying to make this better for years means that you're an awesome person...you just had to deal w/ crappy people thus far. If it is better for you to disconnect from them then do so. This is YOUR life, and if thats the only way to make it better then it has to be done. Not only for yourself, but for your wife/kids, b/c life isnt supposed to be miserable.

 

I admire what you're doing (going through this to try and make it better), and am here to talk if I could help somehow...we all are.