More_than_a_woman Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 I've been with my fiancé for 4 years and we have a wonderful daughter. We have gone through some ****. He put me threw a lot, but came through and now we have a really good relationships... except, our sex life. He works a lot of hours so I understand sometimes he's just too tired for sex. But it's not just how frequent we have sex, it's that he never does anything outside of the box. Sometimes he's on top but most of the time I'm on top, I usually start to even get to having sex or he's behind me. I've even done a romantic night for us where I did blind folding and was naked in the bedroom with only high heels on... He never initiates something different. He doesn't touch me down there, he doesn't give me head, but I do all of the above and more. I love fourplay but he is more of a receiver even though he knows I like to recieve too! And Valentine's Day we were playing uno and I turned it into strip Uno and whoever won got a favor from the other person. So I won, and of course I get nothing. Instead I grinded on him and did all he wanted and rode the **** out of him. And two days later when I'm on top of him while he's laying on the couch and I told him I never got my sexual favor from vday, and he just laughs it off. Like he makes sexual intimacy and keeping things fresh and exciting nearly impossible! And I've tried to talk to him about it in a nice way and I'm beginning to feel like he's only going to understand and take me serisouly if I say things harshly which I don't want to do. And even if i did that, I still doubt there would be any change smfh. I love him, he is the love of my life and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We are engaged to be married next year, but I really have to question... intimacy and sex is important in a relationship, especially when your going to spend THE REST OF YOU LIFE WITH SOMEONE. If we are like this after 4 years, what the **** will we be after 10?! It wasn't like this at all in the beginning. Link to post Share on other sites
diddy Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 could he be gay? i mean its a possibility,or low sex drive,sleeping with someone else,maybe he doesnt find you attractive anymore,or tired as u said. maybe u should not initiate anything for a long period and see if that might get him to react? like dont try to hae sex with him unless he is the one initiating . i think that might be hard for you cos you seem like a sex driven person(in a good way) would you be able to that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 Are you getting pre-marital counseling? If not please sign up for some before you tie the knot. If you can't work this out, do NOT get married. The sex will get worse, not better. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 He may be tired sometimes, but I guess he is just lazy, he doesn't have to do anything so he doesn't bother, and he no doubt has been brought up to believe that sex is just for the man, so your needs don't count. YOU do everything for him, he doesn't even need to get on top, he just has to lie there... He dismisses your concerns with a laugh... If he will not address your concerns, then you need to rethink the whole relationship. Also, is this a blueprint for your relationship too, ie you do everything and he just shows up... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 YOU do everything for him, he doesn't even need to get on top, he just has to lie there... More_than_a_woman, you're enabling him to be a selfish and lazy jerk, a role he seems willing to play. Stop delivering sex like it was a take out pizza and start expecting him to participate. Next time, get him worked up and then say "I'll be that feels good, I'm ready to feel the same way" - and do nothing more. You've spent 4 years training him one way, going to take some time to break bad habits. Unless he models the behavior, no treat for him ... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
4fin Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 Your situation is a version of mine. In my situation I get to be your husband. It's great if all you care about is receiving but I don't. I am not allowed to reciprocate or in my wife's terms participate. I'm sure people think I'm crazy for complaining but I want to reciprocate. It's frustrating as hell. I just discussed it with her when she got home and was met with an are you kidding me dismissive laugh. I want the access to her she has to me. I want the communication of what she wants but I get nothing there. On the flip side she excels at everything. Hands, oral and vaginal is fantastic and getting better (for me). The fact that I told her exactly what I liked did help steer her in that direction. My role is limited. I get the great hand/blow job and then intercourse in whatever position accommodates the hitachi magic wand vibrator that I bought her. She is 100% my source of almost complete satisfaction. Sex is like a 3 some with me, my wife and the vibrator. I think she said it best when I asked her if she wanted her vibrator and she said "If you want me to get anywhere". Again not the same situation as yours but I know where you're coming from in a different way. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 I am sorry. I am going to be snarky. But no way in hell would I marry a man who is too selfish to please me sexually. But you already put the chart way before the horse by having a child with him before marriage. So, now your kinda stuck. Unsatisfying sex life, or break up your family. These are your choices. The first few year the sex should be amazing - if it started bad, I do not see it getting great. He sounds totally clueless and selfish in the sack 7 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 It sounds like you're sexually incompatible. Don't marry him - move on, as there is no happy future here. Focus on coparenting well, and find someone who actually desire you and loves you. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 Sadly, many good comments in this discussion. Do, go for premarital counselling. You have put the cart before the horse but do not commit to marriage if you are really unhappy with your sex life. Because, it's unlikely to get better. If you do walk down the aisle, do so with the knowledge that this is what married life will be like for you. And yes, you have been hinting and waiting for him to come to his senses. This man needs a consequence - no more oral and no more sex until he understands that sex is a shared experience, between two people. And if he doesn't step up the plate ... well then, you have your answer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 Trick him into handcuffs on the bed and then sit on his face? Or maybe that's just one of the fantasies I want my wife to do and I'm projecting lol. Either way nothing is wrong with grabbing his hand and shoving it down your pants. Oh man...that's another one of my fantasies. Dangit. Look I want to help but I don't know thatI'm going to be able to suggest solutions that aren't also things I'd like to do lol. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 So in the beginning he was fine with using his fingers and going down on you? Its not that hes afraid or insecure or freaked out by it? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Don't marry. You are not sexually compatible and being together every night is going to make him not want it at all after a while. Link to post Share on other sites
joeandmee Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 I've been with my fiancé for 4 years and we have a wonderful daughter. We have gone through some ****. He put me threw a lot, but came through and now we have a really good relationships... except, our sex life. He works a lot of hours so I understand sometimes he's just too tired for sex. But it's not just how frequent we have sex, it's that he never does anything outside of the box. Sometimes he's on top but most of the time I'm on top, I usually start to even get to having sex or he's behind me. I've even done a romantic night for us where I did blind folding and was naked in the bedroom with only high heels on... He never initiates something different. He doesn't touch me down there, he doesn't give me head, but I do all of the above and more. I love fourplay but he is more of a receiver even though he knows I like to recieve too! And Valentine's Day we were playing uno and I turned it into strip Uno and whoever won got a favor from the other person. So I won, and of course I get nothing. Instead I grinded on him and did all he wanted and rode the **** out of him. And two days later when I'm on top of him while he's laying on the couch and I told him I never got my sexual favor from vday, and he just laughs it off. Like he makes sexual intimacy and keeping things fresh and exciting nearly impossible! And I've tried to talk to him about it in a nice way and I'm beginning to feel like he's only going to understand and take me serisouly if I say things harshly which I don't want to do. And even if i did that, I still doubt there would be any change smfh. I love him, he is the love of my life and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. We are engaged to be married next year, but I really have to question... intimacy and sex is important in a relationship, especially when your going to spend THE REST OF YOU LIFE WITH SOMEONE. If we are like this after 4 years, what the **** will we be after 10?! It wasn't like this at all in the beginning. ITA. I talked myself into 3 other engagements because I was in love but the sex was so-so, but now that I have BOTH I can't imagine it any other way and neither can he. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 You say it wasn't like that in the beginning? How was it like in the beginning, and when did it change? Link to post Share on other sites
caveman621 Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 Of course, I can only speak from my experience. But....my experience is...sex is not an ENTIRE relationship, but don't discount what a large part it is. I am just getting out of a 25 year marriage. Have two adult children. I still love her, but, to put it bluntly, she was never as horny as me. So I did the WRONG thing and cheated and got caught and that pretty much ended it. I now have a girlfriend who is MUCH more compatible in bed, and every other way. So, I was happy with the relationship but unhappy with the sex and it caused a big problem. Link to post Share on other sites
zouz71 Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 Lazy ppl will never change , they are selfish by nature , they can disguise for years , until one day when pushed against the corner they such everything from your heart . Link to post Share on other sites
Telemachus Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 If you have the idea that he will change and all will be well, you're going to be unhappy, and you will have only yourself to blame. Unhappiness comes from unfulfilled unrealistic expectations. There's nothing wrong with him and what he wants. There's nothing wrong with you and what you want. They just aren't compatible. Give up a satisfying sex life, or give up him. The choice is yours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 Hey, he's just lazy, pure and simple, and he may be under the mistaken impression that just having him in you gets you off. So I will fault communication for this continuing as long as it has. There are plenty of guys who would never "touch you down there" if you didn't make them. If you will let a guy just lay back and be serviced, many of them are perfectly ecstatic about that. He's lazy and probably doesn't understand this is not getting you off. And you have made the critical error of rewarding him generously for this good behavior so he may think you're perfectly happy. Tell him nicely and calmly when you are NOT aroused or in bed that you need more stimulations, fingers and mouth, to get off consistently, and that you are tired of being on top, too. If he changes, great. If not, stop doing him all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Nathan234 Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 Don't get married, I knew I was sexually incompatible with my wife but I decided to marry her anyway. We both ended up cheating and we will be divorcing soon. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 11, 2017 Share Posted March 11, 2017 You have nothing to lose by starting to literally tell him what to do in bed and see if he can be rehabilitated, but if not, uh, no. Some guys can't take sexual criticism because they worship their penises too much and think everyone else ought to also. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 I wonder if your fiance's selfishness extends to other aspects of your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
arzi Posted May 12, 2017 Share Posted May 12, 2017 Sex also important factor for life. Better, you make the good decision before marry. Otherwise, you end up with the divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
James78 Posted May 12, 2017 Share Posted May 12, 2017 Try talking to him.. i mean serious talking, perhaps when sex isn't on the cards. He could have slipped in to a rut and might not be aware there is an issue. I recently posted here from a similar position to your fella. It was only after joining loveshack (for an unrelated issue) and started to read peoples posts that i started to question my own sex life. My wife never spoke up, and if I hadn't had my eyes opened here i would have blissfully carried on as i was for the next 20 years. Just be straight with him Link to post Share on other sites
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