Am I being too suspicious of my boyfriend and his "female friends?"

[Dubchick]

Hi, I am having some issues with my boyfriend that I'd like to get advice on.

Okay: let me give background info:

We met in college, and he was the guy I dreamed about. He is everything that I've ever wanted in a man, and he is affectionate, nurturing, and shows that he loves me. We are currently in a long distance relationship, due to professional school, but I am currently spending the summer in the same city as him while I participate in a program. We became "official" a year ago this October, and he is the type of guy that dated a lot of girls in college, but never made any of them his girlfriend. Now, he's in his third year of professional school, and I am the second serious relationship he's had. So that tells me that I mean something to him, the fact that we are serious and he decided to stop playing games and settle down.

 

Usually when I date a guy, I can count 20 things that annoy me or that I can't deal with. However, with this guy, there is only one thing: his female friends. Now, not your average platonic female friends, but those girls in which, before me I might add, he has had a sexual relationship with. I have no problem with the girls that he is friends with that are platonic, just the ones he has slept with. I just don't get why guys feel like they have to hold on to these girls! And it's not that I don't trust him, because I know about them and if I ask a question he will address it, it's just that I don't trust the females. They call him every once in a blue moon, but that is too much too me. We have been fighting about this all summer, and we are both really sick of it. It's not even like he's done anything since we've been together, it's just the fact that girls that he has been intimate with still call him.

 

Oh and as an added note, one night at 2am his phone was flashing on the side of the bed. I looked to see who was calling and it was a girl whom I had never heard of. We had just finished arguing about something else, and when he came back in the room I told him his phone was ringing. He looked at it, closed it, and I asked him who it was. He lied!!! He said it was a text from his friend. When I confronted him, yelling and screaming, he said he lied because we had just finished fighting and it was 2am and he didn't want to start it again. Turns out, this girl is someone he dated before me and now they are "just friends" because she wanted a relationship and he didn't.

 

I tell him how I feel, and he says he kind of understands, but that if he wanted to cheat or date other girls he would just break up with me, not have a long distance relationship with someone who doesn't trust him. He said I am the one he chose to be with, no one else, and he wishes I would just trust him and stop bringing so much negativity into the relationship.

 

Am I being too suspicious of his female friends, or do I need to make him choose?

[Treasa]

How do I say this without sounding harsh...?

 

If you were yelling and screaming at me, especially at that time of day, I would lie to you as well.

 

If they call him every once in a blue moon, then stop worrying about it. He has said himself that he doesn't want relationships with them. I'm still friends with three of the guys I've had sex with. My current boyfriend knows and is fine. What's more, he's friends with them too! In fact, we're getting together today, and some other friends, to roleplay. It's no big deal.

 

What I think you DO think you need to worry about is all the fighting, and the fact that you scream at him. The girls won't drive him away from you, but the fighting and your insecurity will.

[Dubchick]

Yeah I guess your right, but I didn't start yelling until after he lied to me. It was kind of the icing on the cake from the fight the day before. So yeah, at 2am it was a little irrational, but I was waiting on him to lie to me about it, and he did. That's what made me so mad! But thanks for your reply, it's good to hear another's opinion.

[newmum]

Hi

 

I have had a similar issue with my husband (whom I have been with since we were 16). I think the best thing to do is establish what you BOTH feel is appropriate and inappropriate behaviours with the opposite sex. You need to tell him calmy that certain things make you uncomfortable. Ask him to do the same with you.

 

You should also both be open and communicate about your relationships with the other sex so that you both are aware of these friendships. That way there are no secrets or perceived secrets.

 

If he is genuninely friends with these girls perhaps you should ask him to include you in social activities with them. There should not be anything wrong with this if everything is platonic.

 

Once you establish these then you need to trust each other. Even if the green eyed monster shows up. It is hard I know because I get very jealous when my husband is close to girls he works with or his exes. But we both agree that if he thinks the other party is trying to over step the line he will let them know that their behaviour is inappropriate. If they don't stop then he cuts ties with them so they don't think they have a chance to rekindle or start something up. I do the same.

 

The key is open communciation about what makes you both feel uncomfortable and about your other relationships.

[Dubchick]

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