Did you stay or stray?

[Lemonbar]

Ok, never done this before. A bit of backstory, but I'll try to only explain what's relevant.

I'm in my early twenties and just got married this year. I met me husband almost two years ago. I was VERY infatuated when we first me and he has made me feel like no one else I've ever been with. Lately, our marriage is having some struggles. Our sex life is declining and I don't find myself interested in him like I used to be. I've read marriage books. I have a positive associaton of married friends. My family loves him and I love his family. I have one problem. We will call him J.

 

J had been in my life for about ten years. We met freshman year in high school and there had been something between us since we first met. We hook up(we don't always have Sex) from time to time and then cool it for a few months and the talking starts again. This has been going on since I was 14. We have never actually been official but have gone on dates. I was briefly ( and I mean very briefly and stupidly) engaged at 19. He kind of freaked so we sat down and I told him I had feelings for him and asked why we never dated. He said he'd wondered the same but thought I didn't want to. After that, he was distant for a while (understandably, I probably freaked him out as I put him in the spot). I called off the marriage a month later.

 

Anyways, prior to becoming engaged to my now husband (like four years later), I was having some serious doubts. I met with J as sort of a final hoo-rah to see if anything was there. Of course I felt a connection but quickly realized much would not come of it. So I cut him out and became engaged and then married.

 

Here is my problem: i thought I could cut him out forever. I can't. We still talk and I saw him last night. We did not have sex, but part of me can't stop thinking about what it would be like to be with him. He has no idea I'm married and my husband doesn't know he exists. I have been hiding my husband from him (deceitful, I know). I'm treading in deep waters here.

 

Anyone been in a similar situation? Did you cut the other person out or did you end up leaving your spouse eventually?

 

Also, my husband and I have a huge network and own a small online business together. It's all messy.

 

Thanks for any input

[aileD]

Don't be stupid.

 

There's a reason it didn't work out since 14.

 

Don't mess up your marriage and career for a fantasy.

 

Cut him out again. Tell him you are married and be an honorable woman.

[Lemonbar]

Don't be stupid.

 

There's a reason it didn't work out since 14.

 

Don't mess up your marriage and career for a fantasy.

 

Cut him out again. Tell him you are married and be an honorable woman.

I am not asking for sympathy or for anyone to condone what I am doing. I am aware of the lack of respect towards my husband. My main fear is that even if I cut him out our marriage will inevitably derail anyways and then he'll be moved on and long gone. Yes, if it was supposed to happen it should have already, but why is he still in my life? Every time I drink or think about anyone besides my husband, it's ONLY him. Strange?

[BTDT2012]

Our sex life is declining and I don't find myself interested in him like I used to be. I've read marriage books. I have a positive associaton of married friends. My family loves him and I love his family.

 

Have you talked to your husband about your feelings? Marriage is not a continual high. Don't destroy a good life for fantasy.

 

As far as your 'friend' tell him you are married.

[Southern Sun]

Is this a pattern with you?

 

Dramatic relationships? Heavy infatuation? Verrry interested and then sudden loss of interest?

 

In your one post I am reading about somewhat of an obsession with this one guy, an early engagement that you broke, and a marriage with a guy you were infatuated with and now have lost interest in.

 

You started young. Just wondering.

Edited February 17, 2017 by Southern Sun

[harrybrown]

So it would be fine with you if your H had an affair?

 

would not bother you at all?

 

hope you get tested for stds.

 

Tell your H so you can be free to be with your fantasy that is not real.

 

Set your H free and tell him you have been having an A with the OM.

 

tell your H that you do not really love him and want a D.

 

Set your H free and you can be free as well.

[Midwestmissy]

Sometimes in our lives, the most horrible decisions come packaged in a very desirable box. Religious folks may say it's evil or the devil, never with horns and a pitchfork, but suave, handsome (or drop dead gorgeous) and full of flattery, making you feel like a queen (or study king), making you question your commitments, giving you just enough doubt to flip it all sideways. If he respected you and loved you, he'd respect your marriage. He thinks you're an easy lay and easy to manipulate - try being insulted instead of flattered, because that's how a married person should feel if someone hits on them. He's saying you're a lousy wife who'd cheat. Sexy is standing up for your marriage. This will not end well. You're very young, I am not, and I have learned this: People who are not friends of your marriage are not your friends. It's pretty black and white. He just wants you when you're taken, enough to fill you with self doubt.

[aileD]

I am not asking for sympathy or for anyone to condone what I am doing. I am aware of the lack of respect towards my husband. My main fear is that even if I cut him out our marriage will inevitably derail anyways and then he'll be moved on and long gone. Yes, if it was supposed to happen it should have already, but why is he still in my life? Every time I drink or think about anyone besides my husband, it's ONLY him. Strange?

 

Then why did you even get married? Marriage is not some meaningless thing you do as a next step or so you get a tax break or so you can buy a house or whatever trivial reason. Marriage is committing your life to someone else. You did this with another man. And you haven't been married that long. And you have built a businesss with this man. Do you think he would have married you or built this business knowing marriage didn't mean much to you?

 

You can tell fix your marriage when you're stuck in fantasy. Take a look at your main fear from above: that your marriage will derail anyway and the other man will be moved on and long gone. Let's turn thst around. What if you leave your husband (and Home and business and everything else that is tangled in there) for this man you've had a schoolgirl crush on for years and you figure out it's not going to work (the most likely outcome), and now your husband. The one that actually DiD love you enough to marry you....commit his life to you....is long gone and moved on.

 

This is why people in their early 20s should think about waiting longer to make major life decisions. its like you're stuck in high school and can't realize the difference between a crush and commitment

[Lemonbar]

I've never had sex outside my marriage, maybe you have have misunderstood.

[deadsoul]

You are at the crossroads. You are at the spot I would give anything to go back to and take a different path.

 

I wish I could tell you to not go down that road... it will only lead to heartache and pain, but you may have to learn for yourself.

 

I beg you to talk about your feelings with your husband, get counseling, do something that does not involve the other guy. If after you've explored all those options, that guy is still in your head, then do the honorable thing and leave your husband and pursue it.

 

I would give anything to be in the spot where you are right now. Anything.

[aileD]

Read your post- you told him your feelings and he became distant.

 

You felt a connection but quickly realized nothing would come of it.

 

Now you've seen him a few times and he thinks you're single but he's still not asking tombs your boyfriend.

 

 

But sure, throw away your marriage for that.

[Lemonbar]

Sometimes in our lives, the most horrible decisions come packaged in a very desirable box. Religious folks may say it's evil or the devil, never with horns and a pitchfork, but suave, handsome (or drop dead gorgeous) and full of flattery, making you feel like a queen (or study king), making you question your commitments, giving you just enough doubt to flip it all sideways. If he respected you and loved you, he'd respect your marriage. He thinks you're an easy lay and easy to manipulate - try being insulted instead of flattered, because that's how a married person should feel if someone hits on them. He's saying you're a lousy wife who'd cheat. Sexy is standing up for your marriage. This will not end well. You're very young, I am not, and I have learned this: People who are not friends of your marriage are not your friends. It's pretty black and white. He just wants you when you're taken, enough to fill you with self doubt.

Appreciate your response but the other guy doesn't even know I'm married as I mentioned above.

[Lemonbar]

You are at the crossroads. You are at the spot I would give anything to go back to and take a different path.

 

I wish I could tell you to not go down that road... it will only lead to heartache and pain, but you may have to learn for yourself.

 

I beg you to talk about your feelings with your husband, get counseling, do something that does not involve the other guy. If after you've explored all those options, that guy is still in your head, then do the honorable thing and leave your husband and pursue it.

 

I would give anything to be in the spot where you are right now. Anything.

Can you elaborate? I am very interested to hear about your experience.

[aileD]

Appreciate your response but the other guy doesn't even know I'm married as I mentioned above.

 

Even worse because he still isn't asking you out

 

He's a fantasy that will never work in real life

[Lemonbar]

Even worse because he still isn't asking you out

 

He's a fantasy that will never work in real life

Actually, he's asked me out multiple times. To dinner even and I've always turned him

Down.

[BettyDraper]

An old crush found me on Facebook. He sent me friendly messages without a hint of flirting so I added him. My husband knew about this. This friend commented on my "beauty" while liking pictures of me. This "friend" sent me private messages saying that he was coming to my city and wanted to meet at a hotel bar. I blocked his ass.

 

If you respect yourself and your marriage, you will cut off contact with this person and be a good wife. It would be foolish to ruin your marriage over a little bit of excitement and what could have been.

[deadsoul]

Can you elaborate? I am very interested to hear about your experience.

 

Go read my thread. It's on this page. I have caused my family so much pain and I have to live with that. It was not worth it.

[Lemonbar]

Wow, very eye opening. Thank you.

[Clay]

I really hate to say it but this sounds like a troll. People come on these sites all the time to elicit a reaction and honestly this sounds like one of those. If I am wrong I am sorry but I have been on these sites for a long time. I hope the mods will look into this.

 

Sorry for the thread jack.

 

C

[Lemonbar]

I really hate to say it but this sounds like a troll. People come on these sites all the time to elicit a reaction and honestly this sounds like one of those. If I am wrong I am sorry but I have been on these sites for a long time. I hope the mods will look into this.

 

Sorry for the thread jack.

 

C

This is my life and a real situation. Perhaps you are the troll since you spend "a lot of time" on these site.

[aileD]

Actually, he's asked me out multiple times. To dinner even and I've always turned him

Down.

dinneer is different than asking you to be his girlfriend

[NotCamelot]

Lemonbar, I am wondering if you really are IN LOVE with your husband. You may love him. You love your mother, your father, sister, brother, cousin and even your friends. But, being IN LOVE with someone is much more than that. And, if you are, you need to draw some boundaries that others cannot cross.

 

 

Do you wear a wedding ring? If so, the other guy certainly saw that. All men will notice it. If not, then why? I know some do not for valid reasons.

 

 

But, if you have never gotten this guy out of your mind....if you never will....you need to talk to your husband about it now. If the tables were turned, you would think you deserved to know....and he certainly does. This other guy may never mean anything and may never be IN LOVE with you. But obviously you have doubts about your marriage or you would not be considering this guy.

 

 

Talk to your husband, possibly get marriage counseling, fix your problem. Either way, your husband is not an outsider here. His way of life and his heart are in jeopardy here. If you care or ever cared about him, talk to him.

[Lemonbar]

Lemonbar, I am wondering if you really are IN LOVE with your husband. You may love him. You love your mother, your father, sister, brother, cousin and even your friends. But, being IN LOVE with someone is much more than that. And, if you are, you need to draw some boundaries that others cannot cross.

 

 

Do you wear a wedding ring? If so, the other guy certainly saw that. All men will notice it. If not, then why? I know some do not for valid reasons.

 

 

But, if you have never gotten this guy out of your mind....if you never will....you need to talk to your husband about it now. If the tables were turned, you would think you deserved to know....and he certainly does. This other guy may never mean anything and may never be IN LOVE with you. But obviously you have doubts about your marriage or you would not be considering this guy.

 

 

Talk to your husband, possibly get marriage counseling, fix your problem. Either way, your husband is not an outsider here. His way of life and his heart are in jeopardy here. If you care or ever cared about him, talk to him.

Interesting you mention that. I do wear a wedding ring and am very vocal about our marriage but when I saw him last night I took I it off. I do love my husband but I don't think I was ready to be married. When I got married I made the decision to cut J out of my life and he kind of crept right back in. I need to take responsibilitiy and just cut him out completely but has we all know it's not always easy to do the right thing.

[Starswillshine]

You won't find happiness with your husband if you have J around. You were once happy with your husband.

 

Get J out of your life completely. Focus on your husband. You took a vow to him. That is your responsibility now.

[NotCamelot]

Interesting you mention that. I do wear a wedding ring and am very vocal about our marriage but when I saw him last night I took I it off. I do love my husband but I don't think I was ready to be married. When I got married I made the decision to cut J out of my life and he kind of crept right back in. I need to take responsibilitiy and just cut him out completely but has we all know it's not always easy to do the right thing.

 

So, I guess this means you did not want J to know you are married in hopes that he would possibly make some kind of advances. ?? What other reason would there be to hide it from J? You met him with the willful aforethought of hiding the fact that you are married.

 

 

I think that tells you a LOT.