Author Lemonbar Posted February 17, 2017 Author Share Posted February 17, 2017 So, I guess this means you did not want J to know you are married in hopes that he would possibly make some kind of advances. ?? What other reason would there be to hide it from J? You met him with the willful aforethought of hiding the fact that you are married. I think that tells you a LOT. I agree, I'm not sure WHY I hid it. It's not like I wanted to sleep with him, I just think I like the attention I get from him and if he knew I was married I wouldn't get it. He's more open with me now then he ever has been and telling him I'm married would cut the off. I'm getting the side of him I've been craving for years but now I'm married .It's very selfish of me....I don't know why I allow it to continue Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 I saw your title and thought it would be a person like your husband. After your last post my advise to your husband "she took off her ring, don't stay - go". My advise to you is the same. You seem to think you will find joy and happiness through others, but it starts within yourself, no where else. Finally perhaps contact a mod (see the alert button next to the red edit button on the bottom of every post) and ask to move your thread to wayward or general forum. You are posting in a forum meant for guys like your spouse who have followed though on your desire for adultery. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lemonbar Posted February 17, 2017 Author Share Posted February 17, 2017 I saw your title and thought it would be a person like your husband. After your last post my advise to your husband "she took off her ring, don't stay - go". My advise to you is the same. You seem to think you will find joy and happiness through others, but it starts within yourself, no where else. Finally perhaps contact a mod (see the alert button next to the red edit button on the bottom of every post) and ask to move your thread to wayward or general forum. You are posting in a forum meant for guys like your spouse who have followed though on your desire for adultery. I am new to this forum so maybe I didn't read the guidelines correctly but I think an affair can mean a lot of things besides actually sleeping with someone outside your marriage. I am. Dry mentally off track and have met up with this person and even took my ring off. All tough we did not sleep together, I still feel this is the appropriate place to post this. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 Here is my input as I am 20 years older than you and have learned quite a bit about life. First this guy, since he doesn't know you are married (not sure how that is possible but ) and you have hooked up with him on and off for years, you can be pretty sure that he is not interested in you enough to have asked you to be his gf after all those years. I'd guess he is also pretty immature. Guys like that can waste years and years of your life if you are single. You are married, so you have even more to lose. You are thinking, but I have all these feelings for him, it must mean something. Nah. Feelings come and feelings go. Hormones, excitement, infatuation, the unknown. You are going to meet dozens of men over your lifetime and you can't make big decisions based on momentary emotions. I've gotten many crushes, felt in love and had an affair. It's not a road you want to go down - especially for a guy who has already shown you that you are not important to him. There are two kinds of guys in this world, the ones that see you as marriage material and the ones who see you as hook-up material. And rarely do you hop over from the hook-up to the marriage side and you certainly will not as soon as the guy finds out you are married and not being honest about it. guys lose all respect for a woman doing that to another man. They are happy to enjoy what you want to give, but they won't be putting a ring on it. You are young and newly married, take time to get to know your husband. You agreed to marry him, give it a chance. Problems occur in every marriage. As for the dozens of men who will dance across your path for the next 50 years, enjoy the attention but never forget why they are there. And when you think you are in love with some guy you meet, trust me when I tell you, this too shall pass. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lemonbar Posted February 17, 2017 Author Share Posted February 17, 2017 This is the best post. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
MickeyBill Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 No one can blame ex BF for pursuing you since thinks that you are not married, does the H know about the xBF (as an xBF) or is he oblivious to that? Not really fair to the XBF or the current H. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lemonbar Posted February 17, 2017 Author Share Posted February 17, 2017 I have typed this out to send to J. To ashamed / embarrassed to tell him I'm married but I think this a good start. Thoughts ? " "After last night, I did some thinking and wanted to be honest with you. I have got a pretty good thing going on with someone right now and as enticing as you are/always have been I don't think we should talk anymore. If something were to happen between us or I was worth pursuing to you, it would have happened already. It's been what, ten years? We are both just spinning our wheels here. I feel like we've been using each other as a failsafe for years but I want to give someone a chance who is actually willing to commit to me. I care about you a lot but I've learned a lot over the years and it's time I start respecting myself. You're awesome, and whoever you choose to be with is a lucky girl. You don't have to respond if you don't want to I just wanted to get that off my chest. " Link to post Share on other sites
Dub Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 this will not end well if you keep on going down the path you are Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 I have typed this out to send to J. To ashamed / embarrassed to tell him I'm married but I think this a good start. Thoughts ? " "After last night, I did some thinking and wanted to be honest with you. I have got a pretty good thing going on with someone right now and as enticing as you are/always have been I don't think we should talk anymore. If something were to happen between us or I was worth pursuing to you, it would have happened already. It's been what, ten years? We are both just spinning our wheels here. I feel like we've been using each other as a failsafe for years but I want to give someone a chance who is actually willing to commit to me. I care about you a lot but I've learned a lot over the years and it's time I start respecting myself. You're awesome, and whoever you choose to be with is a lucky girl. You don't have to respond if you don't want to I just wanted to get that off my chest. " Don't overthink it. He has no idea that you purposely left your ring off. I would not write all that, guys hate that kind of stuff. I don't think you need to say anything but if you want to, just say, "last night was great to catch up, you'll have to meet my husband next time." At which he will be shocked and you can say, "sorry, thought you knew, yup." If he asked about your ring, it was being cleaned. What you are missing here is being proud that your husband married you. You really should be. It's not something to be embarrassed off, it's something to show off. You are a young bride in her 20s. Flaunt it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 I saw your title and thought it would be a person like your husband. After your last post my advise to your husband "she took off her ring, don't stay - go". My advise to you is the same. You seem to think you will find joy and happiness through others, but it starts within yourself, no where else. Finally perhaps contact a mod (see the alert button next to the red edit button on the bottom of every post) and ask to move your thread to wayward or general forum. You are posting in a forum meant for guys like your spouse who have followed though on your desire for adultery. The description of this forum is: Infidelity. In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concern here. By its title, this area is for people in marriages or life partnerships, who are either participating in an affair or suspect their partner is. This is perfectly appropriate place for the post. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 I have typed this out to send to J. To ashamed / embarrassed to tell him I'm married but I think this a good start. Thoughts ? " "After last night, I did some thinking and wanted to be honest with you. I have got a pretty good thing going on with someone right now and as enticing as you are/always have been I don't think we should talk anymore. If something were to happen between us or I was worth pursuing to you, it would have happened already. It's been what, ten years? We are both just spinning our wheels here. I feel like we've been using each other as a failsafe for years but I want to give someone a chance who is actually willing to commit to me. I care about you a lot but I've learned a lot over the years and it's time I start respecting myself. You're awesome, and whoever you choose to be with is a lucky girl. You don't have to respond if you don't want to I just wanted to get that off my chest. " This is all wrong and conveys weakness, that you are looking for him to say, no I do want to commit to you. Be proud that you are married, you are already someone's lucky girl. Convey that and this guy will respect you for it and you will be so much better off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lemonbar Posted February 17, 2017 Author Share Posted February 17, 2017 Don't overthink it. He has no idea that you purposely left your ring off. I would not write all that, guys hate that kind of stuff. I don't think you need to say anything but if you want to, just say, "last night was great to catch up, you'll have to meet my husband next time." At which he will be shocked and you can say, "sorry, thought you knew, yup." If he asked about your ring, it was being cleaned. What you are missing here is being proud that your husband married you. You really should be. It's not something to be embarrassed off, it's something to show off. You are a young bride in her 20s. Flaunt it. Would it be acceptable to just "ghost" him? Link to post Share on other sites
deadsoul Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 This is all wrong and conveys weakness, that you are looking for him to say, no I do want to commit to you. Be proud that you are married, you are already someone's lucky girl. Convey that and this guy will respect you for it and you will be so much better off. Agree. Also, no where in there did you say you were married. Only that you have a good thing with him. I would keep it short and simple: I'm married. I feel like I'm crossing a line here that I don't want to cross. Please don't contact me. Take care. I think ghosting in most cases is weak and cowardly, so I can't advocate that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lemonbar Posted February 17, 2017 Author Share Posted February 17, 2017 Honestly, I'm too ashamed of myself to tell him I'm married after last night. Anything I can say without telling him I'm married ? Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 You may not like what I'm going to say.... You're already cheating on your husband. Doesn't matter if no PA. Every time you talk to OM, text OM, call him on the phone, facebook pm him, plan to meet him, meet him, and kiss him (I'm assuming you kiss him, you say no sex, but I have a feeling that you're "Bill Clinton-ing" us), hold his hand, touch his face, look into his eyes....you are cheating on your husband. You have made thousands of bad choices regarding this OM already, and you're not going to stop. My advice is divorce your husband and let him have a long life with someone that WILL love him. He deserves happiness, not heartbreak. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
justastatistic Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 Wow, you have a serious problem with honesty, including to yourself. If you don't get a handle on that quickly, you are going to have more than a failed marriage to mourn. First, you state that this guy is so important to your life, but he doesn't know you are married? Seriously? You didn't feel it important to share with him that you're married? What could be the possible reason for that? Well, we all know the answer to that, don't we? You're worried that if he knew you were married, he would ghost you. Kudos to him if he would, because that's what an honorable person in that situation would do. And now, you want to send him a letter/massage about how you have someone in your life and maybe you shouldn't screw that up, but you STILL don't tell him you're married?!?!?! Again, you're wishy-washy letter to him is designed to push him to make an effort to get you, while not revealing that you want to cheat oin your husband with him. Sad. Start being honest with yourself. Your marriage is likely having trouble at least in part because you are sharing your heart with another man, and therefore you can't possibly be putting your all into your relationship with your husband. Do the right thing...either cut all ties and communication with this other man and put some serious effort into your marriage, or divorce your husband so he can find an honest woman who wants to be married to him. Sorry to be harsh, but frankly your behavior sucks. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 You may not like what I'm going to say.... You're already cheating on your husband. Doesn't matter if no PA. Every time you talk to OM, text OM, call him on the phone, facebook pm him, plan to meet him, meet him, and kiss him (I'm assuming you kiss him, you say no sex, but I have a feeling that you're "Bill Clinton-ing" us), hold his hand, touch his face, look into his eyes....you are cheating on your husband. You have made thousands of bad choices regarding this OM already, and you're not going to stop. My advice is divorce your husband and let him have a long life with someone that WILL love him. He deserves happiness, not heartbreak. Don't you think this advice is a little extreme? People don't just up and divorce because they had drinks and flirted in a bar with an old flame. She is barely 22. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 I have got a pretty good thing going on with someone right now and as enticing as you are/always have been I don't think we should talk anymore. Would it be acceptable to just "ghost" him? All of this sounds as if you're more concerned about J's feelings than your husband's. And more concerned with J's opinion of you than your regard for your marriage. Both are fatal flaws, if not today then down the road. Here's what an appropriate spirit of humility and contrition would lead you to write: "After last night, I did some thinking and wanted to be honest with you. As I've mislead you completely, I owe you - and my husband - an apology. Earlier this year, I married a wonderful man I met two years ago. For my own selfish reasons, I hid him from you and you from him. I now understand the need to honor my marriage and therefore cease all contact with you. I'm sorry for my duplicity" However painful, closure for both of you. Now, about telling your husband what's occurred ??? Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 Would it be acceptable to just "ghost" him? It's only called ghosting if he is contacting you and you are ignoring him. Is he contacting you? Did you agree to go on a date? Just don't contact him and if he contacts you, say you are married. If you think it is going to get around and will make it worse to not tell him, then send him the friendly, great to see you, next time you'll have to meet my husband. Obviously if you were sucking his face off, you can't say that, I'd probably say nothing to him in that case. For all you know he knows you are married. Link to post Share on other sites
NotCamelot Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 Lemonbar, from what you want to write to J, it sounds like you are trying force his hand to move further into something with you. Or, at the least, to leave the door open to him. Failing to cut ties is a serious RED FLAG! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 Don't you think this advice is a little extreme? People don't just up and divorce because they had drinks and flirted in a bar with an old flame. She is barely 22. She said she hasn't had sex outside of her marriage. She's only taking about PIV. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 She said she hasn't had sex outside of her marriage. She's only taking about PIV. PIV? what is that Link to post Share on other sites
justastatistic Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 Don't you think this advice is a little extreme? People don't just up and divorce because they had drinks and flirted in a bar with an old flame. She is barely 22. What she is doing is a whole lot more serious than having some drinks and flirting with an old flame...which quite frankly is serious enough if that's all it was, but it's not. She's lying not only to the OM about being married, but also to her husband. On top of that, she's having marital issues and instead of trying to work on her marriage she is fishing for interest from this OM. This will not end well if she doesn't wake up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lemonbar Posted February 17, 2017 Author Share Posted February 17, 2017 Okay, I know I'm in the wrong and happy to take some heat here. But I have not had sexual relations outside my marriage and I did not kiss him last night. I'm trying to get help and perspective because I am young an inexperienced. Most people have already taken the plunge and cheated I am at a crossroads trying to think before I act. This whole Forum is about cheating. Of course it's not ethical and I have issues, why else would I be here ?? Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 PIV? what is that I'm saying the way she's talking, the way she's wording things, I think she's saying she hasn't had sex in the traditional sense of the word. But everything else that doesn't include penetration? That's a common wayward defense. "I didn't have sex!". What about oral? "That's not sex!" Link to post Share on other sites
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