I can't get a date to save my life, what the hell

[Miss_Lily]

Hi peoples.

 

I've been reading these forums and I love you guys already and I have a situation for you.

 

I cannot---CANNOT---get a date to save my life. At all. Nothing. Zero. Zip.

 

It's not a self-esteem issue; my self-esteem is right where it should be. I know what's good about me, what's bad, I work on the bad, and don't go around puffing myself up about what's good. I make people laugh; I'm nice-looking, hourglass figure, not fat, not skinny, big lips, big eyes, I have two post-graduate degrees.....But I have not been asked out in a year. Or wait, over a year. Oh crap

 

All the things: I've done them! I mean, I go out, I'm a local performer, so I meet people there. ....I'm not particularly needy. I'm easy going. People like me; I don't think I'm any less appealing or less dateable than anyone else. But nobody ever asks. Ever.

 

Now I know, I know, "Why don't you ask?" ...First, I don't ask guys on dates. I do, however, engage them. I haven't had any problem in the past. If a guy is interested, I make them comfortable enough to ask me out. I'm not a "RULES" girl, but I also have found that when a guy wants to be around me...he finds a way to do it. But nobody is interested. At all.

 

I recently turned 40 (but didn't tell anyone), and I was divorced two years ago. I briefly dated someone who I didn't really like, but since then....I can't even get a guy to ask for my number or anything. When I do a show, guys talk to me, and we laugh, and then...nothing. Nothing at all. I've had dry spells before, but this is....this is like.....I just don't get it at all.

 

I've tried online dating---I can't even get a date there. !!! I've tried going out with friends. Nothing. ZIP. A lot of my friends are married. Some of the married guys have small crushes on me---and I don't encourage them, but I do know that, well, I'm not completely undesirable. I'm not looking to ever get married again. I don't want it. It isn't for me. I don't care where "things are going." I just want a companion. We can eat food and have sex and go to museums and sometimes travel. I can't even find that.

 

Is this it? This is my life? Just...."Okay, well, that part of my life is done, I guess! I'll take up crocheting!" (I actually do crochet)

 

Most of the time I'm okay. I like who I am. But sometimes....I just feel really skin-hungry and the lack of affection or even mild interest is really sad. It makes me really sad sometimes.

[Orlan]

If you have tried online dating and haven't been able to get ONE date then you are doing something wrong. Either you are being too picky, there is something wrong with your photos or something wrong with your profile.

 

Do men contact you and you ignore them? Do you engage in conversation and agree to meet quickly? Do your pictures show your full body? Do you have multiple pictures? Is your profile filled out?

[Shining One]

Now I know, I know, "Why don't you ask?" ...First, I don't ask guys on dates.

Why not? You've tried a lot of other things and haven't had success. Why not try this?

[Miss_Lily]

There's nothing wrong with my profile. I even had a friend go through everything with me--she's been very successful. I've had really creepy stalkery guys contact me, and I'm not being really picky. I don't expect perfection. I don't like when guys send me pornographic messages immediately. My photos are pretty. My biography is funny. Sometimes a guy will write "You're funny and cute." If I write back, "Thanks" and then something engaging...NOTHING. No reply.

[Miss_Lily]

Shining: Oh I've tried it. I was knocked down several times. And I've done it in a nice way---"Would you like to meet me for coffee?" or whatever. Nothing. Nooope. I've asked my nice guy friends who seem to like me if they'd like to come by for dinner (I'm a chef, and I hold dinner parties). Nope.

 

I'm telling you. I have no idea. It's like I have some sort of repellent or something.

 

Also, I'll be sure to not send separate replies, that's annoying

Edited February 17, 2017 by Miss_Lily

[preraph]

I'm going to be honest with you, it's your age. There is this hinterland when guys your age are still trying to date 20 and 30-yr-olds. This is an age when you can get sex but the men are not looking for you as a girlfriend, at least not the ones anywhere near your age or younger. They are all still chasing youth and many of them are blind enough to think they still look just like and have it going on like they did when they were younger. They will sometimes date someone of low quality to have sex with someone young at this age because for now, sex is more important to them than good character and they all think young is sexy. It's so ironic since the 40s and 50s are when women sexually are like 19-yr-old boys and at their sexual peak. But they don't care because they only think youth is attractive.

 

You have the advantage of being a performer, and I think that will save you and maybe you will meet someone you like who likes you back because you have a way to stand out and be admired. But women in their 40s, unless they have had every plastic surgery known to man, are often just invisible to men.

 

I get more attention in my 60s, being old and fat, than I did in my 40s and part of my 50s when I was thin and still looked good for my age. Now I'm ast the age some old lonely guys talk to me, but I'm not interested and the whole relationship thing just sounds like a chore to fit in in between my two jobs and like something that would aggravate my arthritis!

 

The attention I did get in those years was younger guys that I met maybe at the dog park or just randomly who seemed really interested in me as a person but knew I was too old for them and didn't ask me out. Or probably would have had sex if they knew for sure that would be all I'd expect.

 

It's not easy for women over 40, even when they look great. But always remember that there are some people, men and women, who can always find someone, and with women, in my experience, it seems to be the really lively, laughing, lighthearted fun-loving ones. Men like that buoyancy. But as we all know, by 40 or even 30, unless it's just an innate part of our character, most of us have lost that.

 

But don't give up. You have the advantage of being in the public eye and also seem like a really fun and nice person. Be sure to stay active doing the hobbies and activities you love most to meet the right person. Because sometimes people do bond through common interests if they keep running into each other and in that way, you can overcome being automatically filtered out due to maturity.

[Miss_Lily]

Thank you, preraph. This is what I've been thinking. When I talk to my family, they say "oh noooo that has nothing to do with it! I don't know why! blah blah blah!" My friends--most of whom are in their 30s, they say the same thing, and I tell them, no, it really is my age. It's like someone turned off a faucet. It's like men can smell it.

 

And yeah, I do look great for my age. Nobody ever guesses it. Everybody says that about themselves, I know (*eye roll*) but....I mean, when I told my best guy friend, he said "BULLSH*T" so I showed him my license.

 

I'm not looking for anything super serious. I'm not looking to have babies. I'm not looking to ever get married again. Just...fun, and food, and sex. No drama. But just....nothing. It's just so sad. Bleah.

 

Ha ha, I can't even get SEX! And that's sad because I really like it and they'd get a lot of it. I mean, I'm all up for FWB, I don't want a big thing. I can't even get that, and that's what makes me really sad. I'm slim, with ...a big rack, I don't know why I can't even get a FWB.

Edited February 17, 2017 by Miss_Lily

[VeveCakes]

Post on Craigslist looking for fwb. You will have 100 men messaging you in an hr. my friend did this and met a couple really cool guys. I was shocked but worth a shot.

[Miss_Lily]

Haha I never thought of that, VeveCakes! Maybe I will.

[VeveCakes]

Most ppl will say there are only sketchies on there, but it's not true.

[CaliforniaGirl]

There's nothing wrong with my profile. I even had a friend go through everything with me--she's been very successful. I've had really creepy stalkery guys contact me, and I'm not being really picky. I don't expect perfection. I don't like when guys send me pornographic messages immediately. My photos are pretty. My biography is funny. Sometimes a guy will write "You're funny and cute." If I write back, "Thanks" and then something engaging...NOTHING. No reply.

 

You should respond with something that continues the conversation.

 

"Thanks...you're not so bad yourself!"

 

"Thanks...what a gentleman...are you this gentlemanly on first dates, too? "

 

Or something, anything at all that's a volley back into his court for him to tap back at you...and so on, until a date is made.

[Weezy1973]

Yup, if you're just looking for a FWB, no commitment, no monogamy, you'll have no problem finding someone. As far as food, museums etc. you can do that with anybody, doesn't have to be a man.

[preraph]

Thank you, preraph. This is what I've been thinking. When I talk to my family, they say "oh noooo that has nothing to do with it! I don't know why! blah blah blah!" My friends--most of whom are in their 30s, they say the same thing, and I tell them, no, it really is my age. It's like someone turned off a faucet. It's like men can smell it.

 

And yeah, I do look great for my age. Nobody ever guesses it. Everybody says that about themselves, I know (*eye roll*) but....I mean, when I told my best guy friend, he said "BULLSH*T" so I showed him my license.

 

I'm not looking for anything super serious. I'm not looking to have babies. I'm not looking to ever get married again. Just...fun, and food, and sex. No drama. But just....nothing. It's just so sad. Bleah.

 

Ha ha, I can't even get SEX! And that's sad because I really like it and they'd get a lot of it. I mean, I'm all up for FWB, I don't want a big thing. I can't even get that, and that's what makes me really sad. I'm slim, with ...a big rack, I don't know why I can't even get a FWB.

 

I think you'll be able to get "just sex" but that you won't be able to be too picky, probably. It's good you're into fun and food and sex.

 

See, all you silly men? This woman is exactly what you ought to be wanting.

 

When I was 50, I looked great and was absolutely rabid sexually, to the point it was distracting. I was hypersexual (and I'm glad THAT didn't last any longer than it did). The only guy who seemed interested was so far out of my attractiveness range that I just couldn't. He was nice but really unattractive.

 

Then there was one who seemed interested but we both knew it was too much of an age gap and it came to a head one day and got insulting. We were at the dog park and my mom was near death and instead of being lighthearted and fun, I was telling him about it and that made him mad because he wasn't at the dog park to hear depressing things and then that led to me telling him if he didn't want to talk to me, that I'd show him how it was done, and walked away. We always talked and it was mutual. Then that blew up into him shrieking about the 15 years age difference, which was the problem all along, of course. But he was so mean about my mom being ill that I was glad I dodged that bullet.

 

Since it sounds like you're doing everything right, let me just check a couple of things and have you check with your friends too.

 

First of all, you have a good body, so are you showing it off well enough? Be sure you are not living in jeans and a hoodie or wearing big crap that you can't see your body. Be sure you dress feminine with a blouse with maybe a v neck but not too revealing of course. Just be sure you're dressing like a woman so they can see your figure and femininity. Men like the womanly stuff. They don't like women who dress like men much. Blouse, skirt, pretty shoes. Be sure that no matter what you wear, your hourglass womanly shape is evident. Cinch that waist!

 

Then ask your friends if there is anything glaring about your personality that might be scaring them off. Just in case. You seem nice to me.

[SevenCity]

I'm going to be honest with you, it's your age. There is this hinterland when guys your age are still trying to date 20 and 30-yr-olds. This is an age when you can get sex but the men are not looking for you as a girlfriend, at least not the ones anywhere near your age or younger. They are all still chasing youth and many of them are blind enough to think they still look just like and have it going on like they did when they were younger. They will sometimes date someone of low quality to have sex with someone young at this age because for now, sex is more important to them than good character and they all think young is sexy. It's so ironic since the 40s and 50s are when women sexually are like 19-yr-old boys and at their sexual peak. But they don't care because they only think youth is attractive.

 

You have the advantage of being a performer, and I think that will save you and maybe you will meet someone you like who likes you back because you have a way to stand out and be admired. But women in their 40s, unless they have had every plastic surgery known to man, are often just invisible to men.

 

I get more attention in my 60s, being old and fat, than I did in my 40s and part of my 50s when I was thin and still looked good for my age. Now I'm ast the age some old lonely guys talk to me, but I'm not interested and the whole relationship thing just sounds like a chore to fit in in between my two jobs and like something that would aggravate my arthritis!

 

The attention I did get in those years was younger guys that I met maybe at the dog park or just randomly who seemed really interested in me as a person but knew I was too old for them and didn't ask me out. Or probably would have had sex if they knew for sure that would be all I'd expect.

 

It's not easy for women over 40, even when they look great. But always remember that there are some people, men and women, who can always find someone, and with women, in my experience, it seems to be the really lively, laughing, lighthearted fun-loving ones. Men like that buoyancy. But as we all know, by 40 or even 30, unless it's just an innate part of our character, most of us have lost that.

 

But don't give up. You have the advantage of being in the public eye and also seem like a really fun and nice person. Be sure to stay active doing the hobbies and activities you love most to meet the right person. Because sometimes people do bond through common interests if they keep running into each other and in that way, you can overcome being automatically filtered out due to maturity.

 

I don't buy into this at all. I'm 45 and have little interest in girls below 35 (though would consider it if the right one came along). I'm interested in meeting a woman who is 40ish and mature.

 

I admit a lot of older guys want young girls but not all of them.

 

Unless a woman is horrifically ugly, she will get inundated on OLD. No matter your body type there is a guy(s) out there who must have it.

 

It could be something in your profile turning guys off but even then most guys don't read them. If your pics look good that's all most guys need.

 

Where are you located? Location can have a lot to do with it as well.

[Miss_Lily]

preraph, absolutely....My look is like.....1950's Italian film star. I mean, busty, small waist, black hair. I wear nice fitted dresses that are classy but flirty. I don't wear too much makeup, hardly any, except lipstick. I'm sparing on perfume.

 

My friends and I were talking last week about this, a week ago, actually. I asked them point blank: "What is it I'm doing or not doing, or what?" and they said, "I don't know." This is: two married couples, one girl who's dating a nice guy, and my closest guy friend. I asked my best gay friend, too, and he's just straight up honest. I said---what is this? He said, "Honey, I have no idea, you're adorable." I mean, this sounds so bull*****y but, my God.

 

I'm not TOO picky. I think I can afford to be a little bit picky. I've never liked super handsome dudes. And age isn't a huge issue...I have my limits, like anyone, but....I find a lot of average guys really attractive, if they're smart and funny and have a beautiful smile.

 

The other thing is, I really like my space. I need alone time. I don't need to know what the guy is THINKING all the time, I don't care. I mean, I CARE, but my value doesn't depend on what a guy thinks of me.

 

One friend suggested it was the area I live in, and I'm not sure that's true. There was one fellow last year who had a crush on me, but he is 23. 23!!! That's just not okay...I'm not doing that. I could be his mom. He's incredibly cute and fun to talk to (he's a bartender at one of the clubs) but ...the idea makes me really squicked out. I don't mind younger, but that's just too young.

[bluefeather]

We can eat food and have sex and go to museums and sometimes travel.

 

Just...fun, and food, and sex.

 

I'm pretty sure that if you put this in your profile, you will get attention.

[oldshirt]

I mean, I'm all up for FWB, I don't want a big thing. I can't even get that, and that's what makes me really sad. I'm slim, with ...a big rack, I don't know why I can't even get a FWB.

 

Write that as your opener in your profile and you will need a secretary to handle all your calls and do your scheduling.

 

Saying that you can't get a FWB is being disingenuous. Of course you can get FWBs. FWBs will be coming out of the woodwork if you shift some of your efforts towards them.

 

Get enough FWBs and one of them will rise to the top and stick.

[preraph]

Did you have issues getting asked out when you were younger? Could you be so glam that ordinary guys are intimated? Maybe you are simply not going to the right places and mixing with the right crowd for you to meet guys you'd like.

 

Again, follow your interests. One idea I hear thrown around a lot here in Texas where I live is to go have a drink or a salad (or a steak if you can afford it) at an expensive steakhouse. The reason for that is many women cannot begin to afford a meal like that, so it's mostly a little bit older guys with some money.

 

I'd also recommend taking up golf if you can stomach it. Or raquetball. Something mostly men play.

 

You're not still wearing an old wedding ring, are you, or a ring that might be taken for one?

 

If there are conventions associated with your line of work, pay and attend them. Usually lots of guys at conventions, though most of them may be married and cheating on their wives, so look out!

 

I think since you're dressing right and are a performer and are outgoing enough that it's just a matter of time. It may be hard to find one you think is attractive, though.

 

If there is an ocean or body of water near where you live, find a way to hang out around boats. There's usually lots of guys where there's boats, guys who can afford boats, and boats are fun. Consider a singles cruise, though it may be mostly young people, but there might be special ones for your age group.

[Miss_Lily]

I'm pretty sure that if you put this in your profile, you will get attention.

 

I might. Really. I really really might.

 

preraph: These are good suggestions. Though, I still do think, as I said, I can be a little bit picky. Not too picky. But again, my standards are really not unrealistically high. I have to think the guy is attractive; I've been attracted to a lot of guys who are average and/or very offbeat. The one thing that is a dealbreaker is being very overweight. A little paunch is fine, and I've met some big guys who are adorable. But if the thought of me even kissing the guy makes me sick, I'm going to pass. I'm not incredibly desperate, but I also think I can cast a bit wider net.

[rester]

We can eat food and have sex and go to museums and sometimes travel.

Just...fun, and food, and sex.

 

I'm pretty sure that if you put this in your profile, you will get attention.

 

 

It certainly helps to be specific about what you are looking for. I believe this applies in many areas of life and not only dating. If what you stated above is honestly what you are looking for, then by all means put it on your profile.

[TheWoman]

Hi Lily - I am in the same boat as you, but I definitely did not have that problem.

 

I suspect it is because I followed all the excellent advice on this thread. I too 'just' want fun, food and sex. I do not have a lot of time and I do need or want anything else. So I basically wrote that, I actually said I want an FWB. I was inundated with 'applications' - still am.

 

Also (and I might get some stick for this) but you could lie slightly about your age. Forty can be a cut off, so maybe put 39 to keep your target audience as wide as possible. You can fess up on the first date, if they like you it will not matter, especially if you're in good shape and look younger than you are. Since you're after a FWB, not marriage, kids etc, who cares.

 

And once they get to know what a lovely vibrant free spirit you are, you will be the one fending them off !

[TheWoman]

Oh and delete your profile, get new pics and start again. New people get the most responses, so take advantage of that. Then get chatting to people and set up some dates.

[rushed]

I don't buy into this at all. I'm 45 and have little interest in girls below 35 (though would consider it if the right one came along). I'm interested in meeting a woman who is 40ish and mature.

 

I admit a lot of older guys want young girls but not all of them.

 

Unless a woman is horrifically ugly, she will get inundated on OLD. No matter your body type there is a guy(s) out there who must have it.

 

It could be something in your profile turning guys off but even then most guys don't read them. If your pics look good that's all most guys need.

 

Where are you located? Location can have a lot to do with it as well.

 

Yeah, I don't agree with it being your age, also. I'm 42 and had no issues getting a date when I was on OLD for a couple of months last year. And that was with me listing in my profile that I had two kids. And I am picky as hell. Although I am in the Bay Area in CA where men seem to outnumber the women.

 

I would keep trying OLD. It can be exhausting, but I found it was the best way to meet guys.