a question for men ( and women too)

[wmacbride]

I have a question for men, and I'm hoping someone can answer it for me. it's something I have been wondering for a long time, and maybe someone can help me make sense of it.

 

Many times, I've heard/read men say that sex is how they express love, and when a wife/husband/so has sex with their spouse, it's an expression of love. This is partly why it's so painful for them when their partner doesn't have the same level of interest as they do. I've also seen men say that sex is how they express love to their partner then go on to mention all the casual sex they used to have/ are still having.

 

On the other hand, I keep seeing men say they have a higher sex drive and that it's a physical urge to sleep with as many women as possible. It's not about emotions, it's a physical urge. Sex is also often used as a marketing tool to sell products.

 

I'm somewhat prone to black and white thinking, and I have trouble with understanding the difference. I probably sound like a prude, but to me, it's a physical expression of the love between two people, and not to be taken lightly. I also have trouble seeing how someone can claim sex is how they express love then go on to tell tales of their casual sex lives.

 

For me, sex is something between two people who care deeply for one another, and it's not something you do with someone you hardly even know. I admit to having a drunken one night stand back when I was in university, but I just ended up feeling pretty grossed out by the whole thing. He walked away like he was the cock of the walk, and I felt really foolish and pretty repulsed.

 

I guess I'm just not getting it, and I am wondering if someone can explain the situation to me. I hope I don't sound like a complete idiot:laugh:, and I am not saying I want to sleep around. I am just hoping to understand a different perspective and discuss the topic.

 

I know there will always be outliers, but do most men really view sex in a casual way, or do most see it as ore than that? What's the difference between casual sex and expressions of love? How can sex be both to the same person?

 

- now I probably sound like a fool:laugh::laugh: for asking, but understanding other peopel is really hard for me, so the more I can learn, the better.

 

btw, I worded the question for men, but input from women would also be appreciated.

[Gaeta]

I am a woman and I have no problem enjoying sex outside a relationship and while in a relationship sex is definitely also an expression of my love.

 

The only answer I have for you is I think it's all about how you were brought up. I am from a very liberated culture. There was no sex shaming or no-sex before marriage concept. I was never imposed all types of conservative thinking on sex. It was taught to me as something I would get to enjoy when I was a grown up and the only rule was: I was the boss when it came to sharing my body.

[Jj66]

Sex is both a biological urge and a way of having a connection with with another human being.

 

It's a continuum. People have sex for purely biological reasons all the way to the case of it being primarily about the connection.

 

When a significant other refuses the physical connection it hurts. But we can satisfy the biological urge through masturbation.

[RecentChange]

Hum. Well I am not a man, but I think that my response may resonate for some men.

 

For me, sex can be both, it can be different things at different times.

 

I am TOTALLY fine with casual sex, I actually really enjoy it, its something I have had to sacrifice for a monogamous relationship. It doesn’t make me feel hollow or bad in any way. Its carnal, physical, its exciting, and it’s a new experience. For me, this sort of sex is not an expression of love – or really any emotions beyond lust. Its animalistic.

 

And then there is “expression of love” sex. Its closer. Its more intimate and caring. I can still have the raunchy lusty type of sex I would have with a casual partner with a someone I am in love with, but we can also “make love” which is different, and not something shared with a causal partner.

 

Now, I have a higher sex drive than my husband. And I in no way feel like he doesn’t love me, or I withholding love when we aren’t having sex as often as I may like – That said, when he initiates more often, I do feel cared for, as I see it as him making sure my needs are being met – which is an expression of love. Plus, the added intimacy brings us closer.

[Sweetfish]

Its gonna sound crude.. i would say some people are exceptions. But I believe men show love by "providing" it can be a service, objects, dinner, fixing the fence in the back yard, or working 80 hours a week. That guy loves you (or at least the kids)

 

In return the man wants companionship and sex falls under that bracket of companionship.

 

When you go on a date, the guy is going to court you around "its rarely reverse." his mission is your companionship.

 

He not looking for some girl with money or high IQ or a PH.D. He wants that companionship.

 

I heard once... the best way to keep a man is don't let him leave the house with a drop of semen... lol

 

I don't know how true it is... but if you leave him with too much.... if you use sex as a tool against him or don't give him sex... he will love you... but he is going to find that sex somewhere else...

[todreaminblue]

as an ex hooker i will say that a pretty high % of married men weren't happy with their sex life in their marriages...the reason why they paid for sex.....one they didn't want complications from an affair or one night stands, they wanted guaranteed discretion and no bunny boliers.... and two they wanted a verification of std free sex........three they actually did love their wives but sex had become sparse or confined to vanilla missionary only position where wives would refuse to give head etc.....so they sought out hookers to fulfill their needs......i was one......head was the major no go zone back then it seemed...men back then apparently loved head.....

 

sexual relations in a marriage should be kept fresh and compassionate and understanding...between both partners....often the first thing to go in marriage with issues is the sex .....which shows it is important it is a bond that needs to be renewed...often......not only for the man but for the woman as well...to maintain that physical closeness.....and love making shouldn't be one sided where one persons desires and exploration of love making is limited to what the other allows only....it needs to be discussed with maturity and compromise...

 

 

and as far as headaches go .....pop a panadol...wait one hour ...make love..its what i used to do if i honestly had a headache...i only said no once in fifteen years though...i have a high sex drive .....back then and still do...I dream about sex all the time....denying sex to myself in reality makes for really vivid dreams....

 

 

or if constant tiredness is a problem......take some vitamin b (berocca we call it in australia) and be energiser bunnies or make love slow and easy.....and crash later...wrapped up in each others arms........if any partner keeps rebuffing sexual advances ....its not surprising the rebuffed starts to feel unhappy in the marriage...if sexual issues exist...couples counselling before it gets too far into ditchville would be a good idea so would maybe reading up on sexual intimacy ideas trying some new grooves....and refreshing a love life in trouble.....and doing like a 40 day challenge....lol...ahem ...ok thats what i would do ............

but considering i am a celibate nun short of a llama and a nuns habit at this period in my life........things might have changed and i just may be outdated...and need a rehaul myself on thoughts about sexual intimacy...and yep ....i am a woman......deb

Edited February 17, 2017 by todreaminblue

[DrReplyInRhymes]

IMO(In my opinion):

 

Sex is amazing. It feels amazing, it's a healthy activity, and as guys, we're hardwired to want it. Well, generally speaking. Casual sex is fun, and feels great.

 

Sex with someone you love...well, that's a different ballgame. Sex with someone you love who loves you back as intensely is ...heaven.

 

To put it curtly, anyway.

[carhill]

Survey says:

 

I have a question for men, and I'm hoping someone can answer it for me. it's something I have been wondering for a long time, and maybe someone can help me make sense of it.

When you've met one man, you've met one man. Here's the opinion of an older, somewhat outlier, man.

 

Many times, I've heard/read men say that sex is how they express love, and when a wife/husband/so has sex with their spouse, it's an expression of love.

Yes, I have always felt this way, but with one modification. Sex was *one* way, an important way, I expressed my love to my partner or spouse. It wasn't the only way.

This is partly why it's so painful for them when their partner doesn't have the same level of interest as they do

Yeah, if I sensed it, that weighed on me.

I've also seen men say that sex is how they express love to their partner then go on to mention all the casual sex they used to have/ are still having.

Yes, I have too so believe that has traction for some men, though not for myself. No casual sex here, four partners in about 58 years on the planet.

 

On the other hand, I keep seeing men say they have a higher sex drive and that it's a physical urge to sleep with as many women as possible.

Physical urges are the lizard brain. We've got all that stuff that has evolved from the lizard brain and makes us big brain beings and do all the cool things we do and the big brain runs the show unless one makes the conscious decision to not run the show or makes the decision that a higher sex drive and its expression is more important and valued than one's choice to be sexually monogamous, presuming that's the two alternatives.

It's not about emotions, it's a physical urge. Sex is also often used as a marketing tool to sell products.

Most healthy men have 'physical urges', some more than others. We're all different. But, yeah, mention 'blue balls' to any guy and he'll nod knowingly. Unrequited sexual urges. Regarding advertising, since the urge to reproduce is among the most powerful for men, anyone who's really smart about tapping into that urge to sell something usually does well. As they say, sex sells.

 

I'm somewhat prone to black and white thinking, and I have trouble with understanding the difference. I probably sound like a prude, but to me, it's a physical expression of the love between two people, and not to be taken lightly. I also have trouble seeing how someone can claim sex is how they express love then go on to tell tales of their casual sex lives.

Yeah, I used to be B&W; however, my exW taught me a lot about casual sex and the wide variety of styles of being in relationships came during close contacts with other couples during our M. I think my B&W way of thinking became more diverse during that time and it kinda stuck. I still do things my way and perceive relationships through my own lens but accept that others can be similar, different or, whoa, yeah, way different. Big world, lots of people, short life.

For me, sex is something between two people who care deeply for one another, and it's not something you do with someone you hardly even know. I admit to having a drunken one night stand back when I was in university, but I just ended up feeling pretty grossed out by the whole thing. He walked away like he was the cock of the walk, and I felt really foolish and pretty repulsed.

I've never had sex with someone I didn't know or didn't love or have a relationship with so can't really comment on that part but tend to wind intimacy love and sex into one package. I've also come to accept that at this point in life that's probably a bit unrealistic so instead of fighting the river I just swam to the bank and got out.

I guess I'm just not getting it, and I am wondering if someone can explain the situation to me. I hope I don't sound like a complete idiot:laugh:, and I am not saying I want to sleep around. I am just hoping to understand a different perspective and discuss the topic.

Right, my exW explained it best IMO, that sometimes sex is just sex. I couldn't quite wrap my brain around it at the time but came to accept it as the years went by. Bonus was, at any time during our M, regardless of feelings, she always seemed to be up for sex and lovemaking. If anyone was overly emotional and a problem in that department, it was me

 

I know there will always be outliers, but do most men really view sex in a casual way, or do most see it as ore than that? What's the difference between casual sex and expressions of love? How can sex be both to the same person?

Yeah, I already identified as outlier so can't really answer that other than to share that, for many men, even myself to a degree, we compartmentalize. That's how we process death, ignore pain, perpetrate violence, show tenderness, have casual sex, love our spouses or partners, caress, love and protect our children, all very individual and often diametrically opposed acts, thoughts and feelings.

 

-

now I probably sound like a fool:laugh::laugh: for asking, but understanding other peopel is really hard for me, so the more I can learn, the better.

 

btw, I worded the question for men, but input from women would also be appreciated.

LS is about exploration and understanding and reflection. Can't recall if you're married or not but IME being married was a pretty cool deal. Mine didn't work out but I don't regret the experience and you won't find me complaining about my exW here. If she's happy with her new guy, now going on seven years, basically since we split up, good for her. I'm happy being alone. Life works out how it does.

[bradt93]

as an ex hooker i will say that a pretty high % of married men weren't happy with their sex life in their marriages...the reason why they paid for sex.....one they didn't want complications from an affair or one night stands, they wanted guaranteed discretion and no bunny boliers.... and two they wanted a verification of std free sex........three they actually did love their wives but sex had become sparse or confined to vanilla missionary only position where wives would refuse to give head etc.....so they sought out hookers to fulfill their needs......i was one......head was the major no go zone back then it seemed...men back then apparently loved head.....

 

sexual relations in a marriage should be kept fresh and compassionate and understanding...between both partners....often the first thing to go in marriage with issues is the sex .....which shows it is important it is a bond that needs to be renewed...often......not only for the man but for the woman as well...to maintain that physical closeness.....and love making shouldn't be one sided where one persons desires and exploration of love making is limited to what the other allows only....it needs to be discussed with maturity and compromise...

 

 

and as far as headaches go .....pop a panadol...wait one hour ...make love..its what i used to do if i honestly had a headache...i only said no once in fifteen years though...i have a high sex drive .....back then and still do...I dream about sex all the time....denying sex to myself in reality makes for really vivid dreams....

 

 

or if constant tiredness is a problem......take some vitamin b (berocca we call it in australia) and be energiser bunnies or make love slow and easy.....and crash later...wrapped up in each others arms........if any partner keeps rebuffing sexual advances ....its not surprising the rebuffed starts to feel unhappy in the marriage...if sexual issues exist...couples counselling before it gets too far into ditchville would be a good idea so would maybe reading up on sexual intimacy ideas trying some new grooves....and refreshing a love life in trouble.....and doing like a 40 day challenge....lol...ahem ...ok thats what i would do ............

but considering i am a celibate nun short of a llama and a nuns habit at this period in my life........things might have changed and i just may be outdated...and need a rehaul myself on thoughts about sexual intimacy...and yep ....i am a woman......deb

Can I ask you something and please don't get offended, but I'm a virgin and wanting to have sex with an escort, should I be nervous since it's my first time or will she try to make me feel as comfortable as possible.

[Got it]

as an ex hooker i will say that a pretty high % of married men weren't happy with their sex life in their marriages...the reason why they paid for sex.....one they didn't want complications from an affair or one night stands, they wanted guaranteed discretion and no bunny boliers.... and two they wanted a verification of std free sex........three they actually did love their wives but sex had become sparse or confined to vanilla missionary only position where wives would refuse to give head etc.....so they sought out hookers to fulfill their needs......i was one......head was the major no go zone back then it seemed...men back then apparently loved head.....

 

sexual relations in a marriage should be kept fresh and compassionate and understanding...between both partners....often the first thing to go in marriage with issues is the sex .....which shows it is important it is a bond that needs to be renewed...often......not only for the man but for the woman as well...to maintain that physical closeness.....and love making shouldn't be one sided where one persons desires and exploration of love making is limited to what the other allows only....it needs to be discussed with maturity and compromise...

 

 

and as far as headaches go .....pop a panadol...wait one hour ...make love..its what i used to do if i honestly had a headache...i only said no once in fifteen years though...i have a high sex drive .....back then and still do...I dream about sex all the time....denying sex to myself in reality makes for really vivid dreams....

 

 

or if constant tiredness is a problem......take some vitamin b (berocca we call it in australia) and be energiser bunnies or make love slow and easy.....and crash later...wrapped up in each others arms........if any partner keeps rebuffing sexual advances ....its not surprising the rebuffed starts to feel unhappy in the marriage...if sexual issues exist...couples counselling before it gets too far into ditchville would be a good idea so would maybe reading up on sexual intimacy ideas trying some new grooves....and refreshing a love life in trouble.....and doing like a 40 day challenge....lol...ahem ...ok thats what i would do ............

but considering i am a celibate nun short of a llama and a nuns habit at this period in my life........things might have changed and i just may be outdated...and need a rehaul myself on thoughts about sexual intimacy...and yep ....i am a woman......deb

 

While I love this and theoretically support it, when can someone "crash later" when you have young kid(s) who are up every couple hours through the night and/or in your bed?

 

I also think that sometimes it is just a phase and both parties will get through it if they stay focused on the big picture.

 

Right now, for both of us, while sex would be awesome, sleep and down time are the two most needed things in our lives. Seriously sleep is huge. We welcome business trips just to have uninterrupted sleep. My poor husband STILL wakes up multiple times a night even when alone. :laugh:

I just got 9 glorious hours of sleep because I was away to a conference. It was the most amazing, sweetest, amazing event I have had in a very long time.

[SevenCity]

I've had both casual and intimate sex. (I'm a dude)

 

With the later, casual sex pales in comparison. I've felt ill afterwards because of the emptiness. My strongest desire was for them to leave.

 

When you meet someone with whom you connect emotionally, physically, and spiritually the act is like nothing else I've ever experienced.

 

That's not to say it can't be lustful or animalistic (it usually is) but the feeling you get afterwards is almost as good. To want to fall asleep naked holding each other is amazing.

 

The sad thing is that is a rare event for me and why a lot of guys here have such a hard time losing a relationship with that type of connection.

 

In the meantime though I will have casual sex to curb the physical urges. Don't know if I'll find what I'm looking for again.

[Imajerk17]

Well, I am not sure if I view sex in general as "how I express love", although as a guy, I can say that when you ARE with someone special, there definitely is something called making love. And on the flip side, "women have needs too".

 

I may get slammed for saying this. Sex has far more of a cost for a woman than it does for a man, and that pretty much colours everything having to do w dating, including the different roles and the double standards between the genders. A woman deciding to have sex is showing enough attraction and trust to put herself in a position of vulnerability--physical (she might get pregnant and she is exposing herself to someone presumably bigger and stronger), social (she may get judged), and emotional. A man deciding to having sex...not so much for most of us. We don't have to worry about our physical safety nor do we have to worry about getting pregnant.

 

So, tying back to OP's questions, it may explain why a man getting to have sex w a a lot of different women--there must be something pretty special about him to be able to get that (at least that is what we are thinking in our lizard brains). A woman "getting" to have sex w many men just has to say yes a lot. I may also explain why a lot more women than men do not find casual sex appealing at all (although there are men not into casual sex).

 

It explains why even women open to casual sex outside of relationships are still a lot more picky about whom they will have sex with than most guys are. And why a GUY turning down sex is far more of an embarrassment to the woman, than a woman turning down sex is to the guy. Or even why physical affairs where "it was just sex" hurt more if the betrayed partner is male versus when the betrayed partner is female.

Edited March 8, 2017 by Imajerk17

[preraph]

I have heard the same things. Yeah. I think men say what serves them best at the time. Men are in love with sex. Very few of them are enough in love with a woman that they would stay if sex was infrequent or nonexistent or he became unattracted to her.

[Whoknew30]

I love my H but not every time I have sex with him, it's me expressing my love or vice versa, sometimes we just @&$k. Straight physical with absolutely nothing else behind it...my friends all had casual sex with guys & love their husbands but same mentality & some have had better sex with men they didn't love...it's not just men, it's the mentality of the person.

 

Sex is just no big deal now a days...it's not the same as even 20 years ago, men women/boy girls are pretty much on the same playing field now. Can one love the person they're having sex with, of course but you can also have great sex not even liking the other person if comfortable in one own skin

[Els]

I'm guessing that for those who do say that sex is how they express love, and actually mean it, and then go on to have lots of casual sex (not sure if that comprises "most" men/women, or how we would define "most" - it probably depends highly on the demographic)... they are probably capable of having two types of sex. The kind with a partner they love and care about (hence the "expression of love"), and a different kind that is just about scratching the itch if they are single (hence the casual sex).

 

I've heard it likened to "burger vs filet mignon" - lots of people would prefer the filet mignon but would accept a burger if they're starving. And I sure a few people even prefer burger - don't count me among them though!

[todreaminblue]

While I love this and theoretically support it, when can someone "crash later" when you have young kid(s) who are up every couple hours through the night and/or in your bed?

 

I also think that sometimes it is just a phase and both parties will get through it if they stay focused on the big picture.

 

Right now, for both of us, while sex would be awesome, sleep and down time are the two most needed things in our lives. Seriously sleep is huge. We welcome business trips just to have uninterrupted sleep. My poor husband STILL wakes up multiple times a night even when alone. :laugh:

I just got 9 glorious hours of sleep because I was away to a conference. It was the most amazing, sweetest, amazing event I have had in a very long time.

 

 

i see what you mean..sleep is a treasure isnt it......we would find a way around it when th ekids were young....we were imaginative.........we would take turns at night feeds if my ex did night feeds he would come back to bed and wake me up feelin frisky needing a dose of sleep inducement.........and let me sleep in,in the morning an extra hour...sometimes we would basically go to bed after dinner.....and intimacy even involved just talking sometimes.....if the kids came into the room and had nightmares or whatever we would put them between us wait until they fell asleep and sneak out of the room by sliding onto the floor...we would use pillows down their sides or backs to make them feel like we were still in bed with them......and we would make love out in the lounge room on two bean bags...fun times....not for the bean bags though they never lasted long with us.....when the kids were older we would go make love in the pool ans soon as they went to sleep which was early because we made them swim all afternoon with us.....before dinner.....we were an active family....

 

 

we would have dinner watch a movie together as a family and then my ex would carry the older ones to bed and i would carry the younger ones.....then we would be like teens in summer and dive into the pool naked and have sex under the waterfall......we both liked coffee......and we both had a very high sex drive.....we used to be ldr because he worked on movie sets all over the place.....so when we came together....it was always intense and often....when he was away...massive phone bills....when we were done it wasnt unusual for us to crash together.better than valium.......wear ourselves out..........deb

Edited March 9, 2017 by todreaminblue

[BluesPower]

There are at least 2 types of sex...(Guy here)

 

Casual sex is great. It is a wonderful experience with someone. I don't think anyone should feel shamed, male or female, for partaking in casual sex. I just love it.

 

Now, with my main GF, whole different ball game. We make love, and for some reason even at our age, 50's, we make love all night long until neither of us can go anymore. And we fall asleep holding each other. But we only get to be together all night a couple of times a week, because we both have kids and whatnot.

 

We are actually trying to moderate ourselves because we are wasted the next day. Just lay around and sleep. I mean we are not kids anymore.

 

But when we get together and because we love each other, yes I said it, it is just so intense and special every time...

[MrDuck]

What's the difference between casual sex and expressions of love? How can sex be both to the same person?

Easily!

I've had casual sex in the past, a lot, simply because it was fun. If i was in Italy or mexico or Thailand, at a bar on a beach, and i met a girl, we were both single, then whats the harm? Its a bit of fun! It feels good! Everyone has a good time.

With my gf, the love of my life, of course its a different kettle of fish. I already love her and that love is what changes the sex from casual to intimate. It doesnt matter if it's a making love all night thing or a much quicker we both have to get to work by 8am type situation, either way it is intimate because I love her.

 

 

Whats the difference between driving a 20 year old 1.0L Volvo, and driving a Ferrari?

The volvo gets you from A to B, but anyone could appreciate the difference between it and the ferarri, right?

[avvril3000]

i think you can have meaningful deep wondering amazing goosebump proning sex with someone you love, and can have empty, not fulfilling, unmeaningful sex with a stranger or a friend or anybody for any reason (loneliness, lack of physical contact, a need to get off, etc).

 

they may be the same act but can feel completely different. emotionally and physically.