Clarity and Missed Opportunities

[BourneWicked]

Things keep coming in and out of focus in my life. Today is one of those clear points again, breathing above the surface.

 

Not mine. Not mine. No matter how much I want him, he's not mine, and likely never will be. And even if he were, how could I ever trust him, when I know the sorts of situations he puts himself in when he's working?

 

There is something that's inspiring this clarity. And maybe it's not that clear, because it's fueled by jealousy. Maybe it's green tinted glasses, rather than rose.

 

There's a woman that joined his group a few months ago, closer to his age, same level of education, same boring decade plus marriage, same number of kids, same job title. Hell, same first name as his wife. I've noticed that she talks about him the way I do - only less guarded because I doubt she's had the opportunity to get into trouble with him. I can tell he enjoys her attention, but he tries to downplay that there's anything there.

 

And maybe there is nothing there. But, knowing what he's capable of, there could be. I like to think I'm younger, more attractive. But what does that mean. His wife is gorgeous, and I know what he's willing to do to her. And, being in the same group they have more opportunity to spend time together. So I find myself drifting away... and him trying to pull me back. And me being consumed by jealousy, and simultaneously realizing jealousy over him is ridiculous, and not mine to own.

 

Like me, I can tell she likes the damaged ones. I'll just bet she feels this weird connection with this sensitive, smart, funny guy that she's never quite felt before.

 

The scary thing... I get the serial cheats. I understand what they're up to. Because when the pain becomes unbearable, it's easier to move on to another, even more superficial high, than to work through the pain.

 

I want to go back to before. I would do anything to undo letting him cross that boundary. Back when I could see him clearly, back before I fell in love with him. Back when he was just a married guy that I thought seemed a little too friendly, who was clever and funny, who I had a hard time talking to, where every part of my being screamed to put space between me and him because he could hurt me.

 

Just found out three of our offices are convening at mine in a couple weeks to work on a big IT project. He wants to meet. Obviously. When I'm clear like this, I know I don't want to. I don't want to hurt my family, I don't want to be second (or third) in some attractive, loose-boundaried guy's list of priorities. But just put that needle in my hand and see what I do when the time comes.

 

Who's going to stop me? No one. Me? My pathetic jealousy?

 

I love him. In a way that's separate from everything else. Simple and pure. Like I love my child. Like I should love myself. His brokenness, our similarities, make me want to protect him, hold him close. But that's the worst thing I can do for him, and for myself.

 

So, since there's a lot of whining and selfishness in this and other posts, I've made an appointment next week. Perhaps I'll have an accountabilibuddy to keep me out of trouble before I have to see him again. To give me that third party clarity I need so bad to help me make the better decisions. Right now, since I'm not particularly trusting of people, I'm not confident it will work. But I have hope.

 

Read an article lately that said an affair is like a mirror. Pay attention, because there is something to be seen in the reflection about what isn't right. The image in the mirror will show the cracks.

[BourneWicked]

It's done.

 

I'm not completely ready to post about the end, but I will record some thoughts.

 

We truly are two sides of the same coin. I read somewhere - scratch the surface of a love addict, and you'll find a love avoidant. Scratch the surface of an avoidant, and you'll find an addict. That's us.

 

We both lack authenticity in our lives. We both don't know how to trust (or be trustworthy), how to ask for what we need, how to share our deepest feelings with those we are close to. We both lack boundaries. We both focus more on what other people want from us than what we need from them. We both act out because we don't do self-care. Neither of us truly knows who we are.

 

I think I recognized something underneath the veneer of his outgoing charm - a broken little boy with a stillness, a quiet and clever, looking back at that same broken little girl covered up inside me.

 

This one, we both said. This one can finally fix me. Give me what I need, without smothering me, destroying me, or leaving me.

 

Having said that, I'm feeling pretty clear that he is a serial emotional affair'er. I believe what he's told me - that it's rare that he tells anyone the depth he's told me. But I think he seeks a safer, more superficial bond. We got too close, and we hurt each other. Accidentally, on purpose.

 

I think he's primed to move onto someone else for a fluffier, safer version of what we had. I see that road, and it's so very tempting. And I could rub it in his face every day at work. I can now sort the disasters (like me) from the normals, the ones who will seek these sort of situations at any cost because it's easier than feeling all the hurt that real life has to offer.

 

Instead, I need to be real. I need to watch what the healthy ones do, and find that. I recognize I'm dating a sex addict, who - despite being entirely different from him - has some of the exact same issues as MM. I need to learn to ask what I need for, and make decisions how to proceed when I don't get it.

 

I need help with NC/LC in the workplace.

 

If you love someone, let him go. Even if he comes back, he was never yours to begin with.

[sunrise_sunset]

Bourne-- I've been wondering how that meeting went recently. Did you endure that already, too? I hope you do post what happened, how it ended, and I hope you're at peace with the decision. Mutual? Or no?

 

 

I know there are other folks here who can really offer more long-term advice with an office A, as I continue the LC/NC dance with mine at work. Hell, I don't even update my own boring thread, because it feels like the same old broken record. How are you doing with creating that lovely barrier of LC/NC at your workplace? Most days have been ok, but yesterday was a terrible day here, I was missing him like crazy but did NOT reach out. Each day I don't reach out feels like a victory. I wish so often that I knew what he was feeling or thinking -- but would it even really make a difference?

 

We are mostly NC (and we have discontinued late night phone/text conversations for the past couple of months), which is so good for the brain. LC is used solely for when we pass in the hallway -- I am trying to take the high road and be friendly and mature, in an effort to feel good about my behavior and be sure no one really sees anything different. No one does. I'm blown away that it's been over a year and a half now, and no one in my company has really suspected a thing. No one in my world knows -- friends, family -- which might make it even harder to be getting past. And despite those little victories of not reaching out, I feel stuck -- so I come here and read. A lot. Scared to end it completely (and no new job prospects have popped up), yet can't go back to what it once was. I have tried to set up appts with three different therapists to figure out where this all fits into my world, but nothing has worked out to this point.

 

Have you been talking with someone?

[rumblefish12]

Grrrrrr. That's it. It's the needle in hand. Does it every time. I was thinking today, it has been almost two months since last contact. And, there are days I feel good. My priorities are clear. I say to myself, "If she contacted you right now, you'd shut it down. Wish her well. And get back to your authentic life." But I also wonder ..... what happens to me when the needle is in hand? I've always been good about not reaching out; probably the narcissist in me. But if she were to reach out and say all those things that my addicted ego screams for .....

 

I think the saving grace at this point and for the foreseeable future is, I think she's had enough. So if she doesn't reach out to me, that's the best scenario. For those who work with their AP/XAP, even occasionally, you are very strong indeed.

[What_Did_I_Do]

It's done.

 

I'm not completely ready to post about the end, but I will record some thoughts.

 

We truly are two sides of the same coin. I read somewhere - scratch the surface of a love addict, and you'll find a love avoidant. Scratch the surface of an avoidant, and you'll find an addict. That's us.

 

We both lack authenticity in our lives. We both don't know how to trust (or be trustworthy), how to ask for what we need, how to share our deepest feelings with those we are close to. We both lack boundaries. We both focus more on what other people want from us than what we need from them. We both act out because we don't do self-care. Neither of us truly knows who we are.

 

I think I recognized something underneath the veneer of his outgoing charm - a broken little boy with a stillness, a quiet and clever, looking back at that same broken little girl covered up inside me.

 

This one, we both said. This one can finally fix me. Give me what I need, without smothering me, destroying me, or leaving me.

 

Having said that, I'm feeling pretty clear that he is a serial emotional affair'er. I believe what he's told me - that it's rare that he tells anyone the depth he's told me. But I think he seeks a safer, more superficial bond. We got too close, and we hurt each other. Accidentally, on purpose.

 

I think he's primed to move onto someone else for a fluffier, safer version of what we had. I see that road, and it's so very tempting. And I could rub it in his face every day at work. I can now sort the disasters (like me) from the normals, the ones who will seek these sort of situations at any cost because it's easier than feeling all the hurt that real life has to offer.

 

Instead, I need to be real. I need to watch what the healthy ones do, and find that. I recognize I'm dating a sex addict, who - despite being entirely different from him - has some of the exact same issues as MM. I need to learn to ask what I need for, and make decisions how to proceed when I don't get it.

 

I need help with NC/LC in the workplace.

 

If you love someone, let him go. Even if he comes back, he was never yours to begin with.

 

Hope you are doing well Bourne.

 

There are so many similarities with your, well many, stories here on LS.

 

My new journey now, instead of head down, eyes closed, full throttle driving into what I WANT is to understand what I need. That need should never be provided by another person....but it is so hard to firstly identify and secondly, unravel the layers of wants and needs and everything in between.

 

xMM is just as broken as I am. I see that now. Despite his charm and good looks, he was just a little boy looking for approval. And if an equally damaged female, with little hesitation, volunteered to heap on the compliments...well, the rest is history. There is no doubt he had or has OOW. His (our xmm/mw's) constant need for admiration will never be satisfied. Try as we might, we could never fill that void for them.

 

We are just as addicting to them as they are to us. Bad combination.

[BourneWicked]

Appreciate the great comments on here. I read these responses multiple times... it's crazy the perspective you get from someone else in almost the exact same situation. Sunrise_Sunset The counseling was a fail... I chickened out and canceled after FB stalking and seeing they were mutual friends with a very talkative psychologist friend I know. I want to re-set up... a coworker has talked about their psychologist who they bring their childhood abuse to, and I'm trying to work up the courage to ask for the name, because they seem to trust this person very much and have been going to him for over a decade. Ongoing theme with trust here...

 

He wants to be friends! Who would have seen that coming?

 

We saw each other in person, and spent most nights together for a week and a half. He ended it this time (it was me previously), and said he needed to stop (not abruptly - during this time period it was part of our discussion) and said goodbye. His physical presence is intoxicating to me. He even smells like he should be mine. When he left.. I felt like he looked happy. I've never seen someone look so happy watching me fall apart. I wrote him a dramatic 'goodbye' email to a 'safe' account, (which - I'm not sure he's read) and blocked his email address at home.

 

It is very strange... I am feeling different, better. When he let me go, I shattered. I broke. I was five years old, looking out the window, waiting for my father to come back and knowing he never would. When I put myself back together, and he came around almost immediately at work, wanting to call me and talk ostensibly about work, I was iron.

 

When he did talk to me at work, I told him that I'd never seen someone look so happy watching me fall apart. He said that wasn't the case, he wanted to come back, hold me again. He said he went looking for me on our app we used to use to communicate the whole trip back home, hoping I would show. My perceptions of the emotions of others are not great, so it's hard to say what's true. I wondered if he looked happy just to know that I was so into him that I was that crushed to see him leave? (Narcissistic supply much?) He was horrified by that suggestion, said that he was dying inside, and if anything was grateful for our time together.

 

I will always care about him but right now (other than obsessing here) I'm feeling pretty good. IDFC. I recognize this is a defense mechanism I'm operating on now, one from my childhood issues, but it sure is working. But what I did realize - that makes me stronger - is I feel he is very much about the chase. Something he has admitted, in other contexts. And that makes me strong. Because I recognize... from the way he's acted... that he very much wants to chase me, but does not want to catch me. And so I'm strong, because I know that he desires me more when he can't attain, and that makes me never want to sleep with him again. And honestly - the sex is better at home for me (likely due to years of experience with my sex addict bf) it's just everything else that he offers. I'm going to go ahead and not sidetrack into how I feel about his smarts and beautiful body... But I cling to that memory of him smiling, watching me fall apart.

 

I've declined invites to discuss projects with him, requests to chat. Right now I'm feeling very strong. And I feel like I do care about the rest of my life again! I went most of a night yesterday without thinking about him. (Already...? Avoidant attachment-style defense mechanism...) But yeah, rumble_fish, needle in hand. And... when he stops chasing... I wonder if it will hurt more. But like you, I won't chase back, that isn't in my nature at all. Seems he is the anxious, and I'm the avoidant.

 

Sunrise_Sunset - I feel for you, because the distance is the only thing that has helped me not be a crazy person. When he visits for what I suspect will be the last time for quite a while in the fall, that's what I need to gear myself up for. Like, I need a legitimate action plan.

 

 

 

My new journey now, instead of head down, eyes closed, full throttle driving into what I WANT is to understand what I need. That need should never be provided by another person....but it is so hard to firstly identify and secondly, unravel the layers of wants and needs and everything in between.

 

 

This is great, and what I need to do as well... Thank god for the distance... I wonder if I would get over him at all if I had to see him every day, or if I would just be on a downward spiral of craziness.

 

Thanks friends for all your input here. It's helped a lot, knowing I'm not alone in this awful web I've tangled for myself.

Edited August 9, 2017 by BourneWicked

[zanwalk]

Bourne,

 

Like minimariah I absolutely love your style of writing, you manage to put into words the language of an affair that many feel, but struggle to express properly and lucidly. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and problems with us on here. Your story definitely resonates with me, though it was many years ago now and before there was such a thing as the internet....

 

Please do give us updates if and when you feel able to. Best wishes for the future.