Long Term Relationship & Time Constraints

[loveaintsimple]

Hey everyone,

 

Long time lurker, first time poster. I decided to post in this section because I've been in a relationship for 9 years. My apologies if its in the wrong place.

 

A brief history of my relationship:

 

We've had a relationship filled with many ups and downs. I was 22 and she was 17 when we started going out so the ups and downs were much more intense but things leveled off for a while and were good.

 

From the start we spent a lot of time together, including nights. A few years later she moved in with me and lived at my apartment for a year until we had a major fight causing breakup and separation for around 1 year.

 

To make a very long story short, we are not living together and go through periods where we see each other a lot then barely at all. between job responsibilities and two distinct, and separate things we are working on there simply aren't enough hours in the day.

 

To make matters worse, when I see her, I begin to become upset at the situation causing an unpleasant time.

 

I'm torn as to what I should do. I've been trying to ride it out because what I'm working on outside of work is going to end in 2 weeks. At the same time, it is incredibly stressful, and want her to be there for me more. What she is doing should be done in 1-2 months but I just don't know if I can handle it.

[Mr. Lucky]

To make matters worse, when I see her, I begin to become upset at the situation causing an unpleasant time.

 

So, the time you have together, you ruin because you want more time together?

 

What am I missing here?

 

Mr. Lucky

[loveaintsimple]

So, the time you have together, you ruin because you want more time together?

 

What am I missing here?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

In 18 days I've seen her for 4. Only 1 she spent the night. Is that normal for a 9 year relationship? Despite our hectic schedules I think we could see each other more.

[Mr. Lucky]

In 18 days I've seen her for 4. Only 1 she spent the night. Is that normal for a 9 year relationship? Despite our hectic schedules I think we could see each other more.

 

Two different issues.

 

Would you like more time with her - and for her to want the same thing? Sounds like that answer is an emphatical "yes".

 

Do you help this cause by pouting, sulking and arguing during your time together? Not only is that a "no" but it's actually counterproductive. Few people look for more drama.

 

What are the barriers to spending time togther?

 

Mr. Lucky

[mikeylo]

Of course there is built up frustration to be not able to be with your partner. That is why long distance relationships fail.

 

Your current situation is adding to the already non ideal situation. Since you have a dead line that is approaching, another week maybe , then it's sorted. After this week , are you moving together? You need to get hold of negative emotions and be happy that you guys are finally together.

 

( I'm actually confused as it's a 9 year old relationship ! )

[Els]

I'm sorry you're going through this, but none of this sounds good to me. Not really the part about seeing each other 4 days out of 18 - if it's a temporary thing due to work and schedules will settle down in a month or so, I'd just wait and see.

 

The part that concerns me is that the two of you don't seem to know what you want out of the relationship. 9 years is a very, very long time to go without living together. And that when you tried living together, it failed miserably... yet here you are, still in the same relationship. What led to the breakup when you were living together? What led to the reconciliation? If the reconciliation was genuine, why was living together not discussed again after that point?

[loveaintsimple]

Two different issues.

 

Would you like more time with her - and for her to want the same thing? Sounds like that answer is an emphatical "yes".

 

Do you help this cause by pouting, sulking and arguing during your time together? Not only is that a "no" but it's actually counterproductive. Few people look for more drama.

 

What are the barriers to spending time togther?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Currently the barriers to spending time together is the fact I am studying for a professional license for my career, and she is working on a 2 family house in which 1 of the units is done and rented out, and the other one which is still being worked on is going to be where her and I live. In addition, she has a job which causes her to have to stay extremely long hours at a moments notice (sometimes overnight even)

 

 

Of course there is built up frustration to be not able to be with your partner. That is why long distance relationships fail.

 

Your current situation is adding to the already non ideal situation. Since you have a dead line that is approaching, another week maybe , then it's sorted. After this week , are you moving together? You need to get hold of negative emotions and be happy that you guys are finally together.

 

( I'm actually confused as it's a 9 year old relationship ! )

 

The goal is once the unit is done being renovated we are going to move in together. It is something that she has taken on as entirely her project, and wants to do on her own. I'm okay with this, but again, that means when she is working on the house, we are not together.

 

 

 

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, but none of this sounds good to me. Not really the part about seeing each other 4 days out of 18 - if it's a temporary thing due to work and schedules will settle down in a month or so, I'd just wait and see.

 

The part that concerns me is that the two of you don't seem to know what you want out of the relationship. 9 years is a very, very long time to go without living together. And that when you tried living together, it failed miserably... yet here you are, still in the same relationship. What led to the breakup when you were living together? What led to the reconciliation? If the reconciliation was genuine, why was living together not discussed again after that point?

 

I want, and have wanted to marry and start a family with her she has repeatedly said the same thing. I'm 5 years older than she is, and we both agreed that we wanted to get our careers in order, and be financially sound before getting married and having kids.

 

Let me explain a bit further about to living situation. Prior to "officially" living together, she slept and stayed at my house everyday but would also go to her mom's house on a daily basis as well. There are some issues concerning her mother which make it difficult for her to leave her house completely. These issues came up when the question of moving back in together was discussed, and I respected her and didnt press the issue further.

[BaileyB]

The goals of being financially sound and having your careers together before getting married and starting a family are definitely good. The demands of jobs and families can definitely be challenging for any relationship.

 

But, it doesn't seem like you have much of a partnership. I would say, if I was building a home for my future husband and family, it would be my dream to do it - together. Because, it is a partnership. I find it odd that she wants to do this - without including you and at the expense of spending time together.

 

And, you really should ask yourself what kind of a future you will have together as a family, given the demands of her job.

 

Perhaps, marriage counselling is in order. Nine years together without getting married and/or developing a true partnership is definitely not normal, and not exactly ideal.

[mikeylo]

With no time line for a future, the situation you are in at the moment is usually the result.

 

You two should be doing stuff together and not separately. That is causing all the issues. The feeling of closeness and emotional security isn't there.

[Ronni_W]

what I'm working on outside of work is going to end in 2 weeks. At the same time, it is incredibly stressful, and want her to be there for me more. What she is doing should be done in 1-2 months but I just don't know if I can handle it.

So...if I got this right: you're going to have more free time in 2 weeks -- but she will still be the same busy for another 2 to 6 weeks beyond that time-frame? And...you don't know if you are adult and mature enough to act like a mature adult and keep yourself properly busy and occupied - on your own and by your own self - while she pursues her individual and independent interests?

 

That is...if I got this right: you're under the impression that, if/whenever you want or need, it's her job and role or obligation to drop everything or neglect other things -

- so that she can "be there for you" in a capacity...???...as hand-holder or nurse-maid or to entertain you or...???

 

Did I get that right?

Edited February 19, 2017 by Ronni_W
poor grammar

[Els]

 

I want, and have wanted to marry and start a family with her she has repeatedly said the same thing. I'm 5 years older than she is, and we both agreed that we wanted to get our careers in order, and be financially sound before getting married and having kids.

 

Let me explain a bit further about to living situation. Prior to "officially" living together, she slept and stayed at my house everyday but would also go to her mom's house on a daily basis as well. There are some issues concerning her mother which make it difficult for her to leave her house completely. These issues came up when the question of moving back in together was discussed, and I respected her and didnt press the issue further.

 

 

Ah, okay, fair enough. In that case, I don't see how it would hurt to just wait and see what happens after the stressful job situation ends in a few weeks' time, before deciding on the next move.

[Mr. Lucky]

Currently the barriers to spending time together is the fact I am studying for a professional license for my career, and she is working on a 2 family house in which 1 of the units is done and rented out, and the other one which is still being worked on is going to be where her and I live. In addition, she has a job which causes her to have to stay extremely long hours at a moments notice (sometimes overnight even)

 

Seems the main issue here isn't your living situation, it's a feeling on your part she doesn't consider your side of things and adjust accordingly.

 

If left unaddressed, there's huge potential for resentment - which you already feel to some degree - and many challenges to a successful relationship. Lots of things down the road requiring a cooperative effort, this isn't the best start in getting there...

 

Mr. Lucky