Boyfriend Cheated with EX at the Beginning of Our relationship........Just confirmed.

[Prettyinblack]

I am a jealous person....I never thought I was, but it turns out I am. When I started going out with my current boyfriend 3 1/2 years ago, there was a woman who kept showing up at his gigs who was his ex-girlfriend. He wouldn't even speak to her, but she would still show up. In the beginning of the relationship with him, I watched it but thought, "well, she's not over him", but said to my b/f, "if she is hanging around, it's YOUR fault.....she must obviously think that you are interested or she wouldn't bother. Or, you are encouraging her in some way, so deal with it." And she went away, or rather, got herself a new boyfriend.

 

Well, now you're probably thinking, "why the heck is she still thinking about this?" Well, my b/f and I had a large argument instigated by me in May and didn't speak for about a month. When we started to speak, I brought all this up again and at the end of the conversation, it turned out he was seeing BOTH OF US for the beginning of our relationship. I haven't recovered and am not sure I can. I haven't brought the subject up again, but now, I am crazy with jealousy. I think to myself, that it takes a certain level of deceit and lying to manage 2 women and I must have been convinced back then not to investigate more to to not kick his ass to the curb when this woman was hanging around. I don't want to beat him to death with this either, but I am feeling quite tortured here.

 

Today, am I happy with the relationship as it stands??? No. We both have commitment issues but his are far more prevalent than mine and I want the relationship to move forward and will do whatever is necessary to facilitate that happening. He, on the other hand, keeps putting me off. And it is driving me nuts. Do I love him? Oh yeah.....But I really don't know what the answer is here to quiet these little demons that live in my head. Any suggestions?

Thanks.

[sweetserendipity]

I don't think you're necessarily jealous - obviously you can see now that you had good reason to have issues with his ex acting like some faithful groupie, right? Back then, your instincts were telling you to be cautious.

 

So I wonder how long he was seeing her behind your back? Guess you'll never know for sure.

 

Was he just fresh out of the relationship with his ex at the time he began seeing you?

 

How do you know he's not continued to cheat on you, throughout these past 3.5 yrs (not saying with her, but with any other woman - I mean, he's proven how faithful he is so who's to say?) - and maybe that's the root cause of his commitment issues? I mean, does a cheating guy really want to tie the knot and settle down? Probably not.

 

You don't sound happy in this relationship, you had such a doozy of a fight that you 2 didn't speak for a month (are fights frequent?), he's got commitment issues that are driving you nuts - so after 3.5 yrs, where do you see this going? If it's not heading anywhere at this point, it's almost certain not to go anywhere - and life is short and you're wasting your time and love on someone who's betrayed you in the past, who's also not on the same page, so to speak. Can you continue living like this? Is it really living?

[Prettyinblack]

No, fights aren't frequent. We don't argue a lot but this committment issue is the biggy. He didn't confirm cheating verbally, but I read his body language when I was telling him how 1 + 1 = 2......he just looked away. Then he started talking about a male friend of mine that is interested in me and 'waiting' and he if he had a good friend, then his friend had better be a good friend to me or he would be history. And then the whole discussion went from there talking about what the boundaries are around women/men friends of the opposite sex. I am so confused, hurt and angry and I still love him. But, I'm not trusting him.

 

As far as the other woman, and i hope I'm not making excuses here, but at the beginning of a relationship, I know that people often date more than just one person and then they decide to become exclusive. We really never had the "exclusive" conversation, I just assumed that he was the type of person who dated only one peron at a time.....I had know him for years before dating him. I still had old boyfriends calling me at the time but didn't really let him know. I would just say "oh, that was Dave, (or Jim, or Kevin) and not give any explanation to WHO they were.

 

What is the next step?

[LucreziaBorgia]

What is the next step?

 

 

Has he given you any other reason to not trust him besides this?

 

Hopefully realizing that the three and a half years you have spent together have made you both different people for each other than you were at the beginning. Getting over an ex is hard - the emotional bonds with an ex that you still share unresolved romantic issues with are stronger than the bond that you have with a person in a brand new relationship. You feel you know the ex better, they know you better than the new person does ... you don't want to lose the new person, and you know you and the ex are just tying up loose ends - so, you continue to see the ex behind the new person's back. Eventually, the ex and the guy will move on away from each other and your relationship with him begins to deepen and mature over time. He puts this 'ex' behind him as a terrible but necessary mistake and focuses his attention, time and commitment on you. Your relationship with each other allows you to grow together as different people than you were at the beginning of the relationship.

 

For you, its still new. For him, its something he resolved and put behind him years ago. You have a right to feel betrayed and angry, but try not to let it consume and negate the three and a half years that came afterward.

[Prettyinblack]

Well, there has been a bit of a change since my last post, you guys. We broke up tonight.....weird how I posted tonight before he got here after work. I don't know if seeing someone else, but, tonight when he walked in, I told him that I have been offerred to work with an old guitar player of mine and he freaked out. Not at first, but was distant and cold when we went out for dinner but when I asked him what was wrong, the reply was "oh, nothing." He is a musician as well and has wanted me to work with him but his schedule is so nuts these days, there has hardly been any time for a relationship, never mind rehearsing for a new band thing.

 

Anyway, the tension stayed high all evening and finally after dinner, it began to unravel. We were out for a drink at a local pub and the subject came up again about my playing with this particular guitar player and it got heated. I said to him I would really like to go home and not get into this tonight but he persisted until we left. Then, while in the van, I said to him, "Marty, I don't know what is up with you tonight, but you're cold and distant and I know it's about my playing with so & so. It makes me feel nervous and uncomfortable...what's up?"

 

Anyway, we get to my house and he doesn't ake off his boots and I asked him why and he said "because I'm not staying. I have aproblem with you working with this guy and you know I want you to play with me.....I have made my desires known etc."

 

I told him that his schedule doesn't allow for rehearsal with me...he is rehearsing with two other bands, plus working a day gig etc. I said that all we have been seeing eachother is one night a week and that is Saturdays and I'm not playing guitar with him when I would rather have a relationship on that day. This has been an issue since we began talking about buying a house together.

 

Then he said, "I have no intention of getting into a financial partnership with you or living with you. It's not going to happen."

 

From there, I told him that I am not surprised, that his committment issues come up, and he isn't interested in seeing someone to talk it out and I am only one person. I can't row the boat on my own. I said that his fear gets out of control and that I read the book "Men Who Can't Committ and the Women Who Love them" years ago and he is textbook. And then I said that he isn't capable. The conversation went on for another 15 minutes or so and he said Good Luck and I said "you too" and out he walked. That's it...just like that. Before he left, I told him that I would be listing my house this week and that I would be moving on with my life. That is my future and the only thing I know . He can't get over my playing with this guitar player.

 

Well, I can't sleep and I hate him but don't, if you know what I mean. And I STILL think, oh, maybe he's really pissed and will get over it, but I don't think so. This really sucks and hurts like Hell. I left him a message after he left saying that "his timing was, once again, impeccable." Saturday was the 3rd anniversary of my mother's death and I was bummed to begin with. He knew that. Nothing like being kicked when you're down. Nice.