Silent treatment from MM!

[Daisychain137]

Hello, I don't know what to do and I am looking for some support.

 

Yesterday mm and myself had a telephone argument. It was over the fact he was being disrespectful towards me. Of course I tried to reach out during the hours after the argument to try and resolve; No reply. I was not horrible to him I just told him how I was feeling and he just replied "ok" then shouted at me because he was getting to work and could not talk.

 

He would usually text before bed-nothing. I know he went out last night to a event.

 

I have now forgotten even the reasons why I was angry with him in the argument; my focus is now the pain I am enduring around the uncertainty of when/if he will speak to me again? It's so painful and I don't know what to do. I can't call him so I just have to wait. I feel so hurt that after 4 years he would do this to me. It confirms the point of my original argument about him being disrespectful towards me.

 

Why is he doing this? What can I do? X

[Serendipity55]

I know how difficult it feels when you feel out of control - this is probably what you're feeling now. I think you need to distract yourself and not chase him, that'll just make you feel less in control and hand him power over you. You will feel stronger and better if you decide in your head that you're not going to let him treat you in a disrespectful way and then force yourself to act that way even if all you want to do right now is reach out to him. That feeling will pass. I'm sure he will get in touch soon anyway.

[elaine567]

It is about power.

YOU as the good little OW, are not supposed to moan when he is being disrespectful to you.

YOU are supposed to smile and bite your tongue and take it.

 

What tends to happen after a while in affairs is that the OW starts to wake up, she starts to be more unhappy with her lot.

What seemed like fun and exciting, starts to seem more like - "He gets to live his life and I am sat here waiting and waiting and waiting for him to pick me up like a toy, whilst his wife and family get all the good bits..."

So the OW starts to moan, she starts to want more, she starts to kick up a stink... but he is in no mood to play ball. He did not embark on an affair to have his OW act like another wife... It was all supposed to be about sex and fun.. He goes cold, he "punishes" her by not talking to her.

Distraught, she blames herself, she is totally devastated, "Is it really all over?"

So when he resurfaces, which he will as he usually needs the sex and the attention, she is all over him, she apologies, she is just so happy he is back in her life.

He loves it, he realises that whatever he does he can get away with it as she is besotted and will likely put up with anything. He pushed her boundary and she gave way.

If in the future ,she gets out of hand and she wants to get out of the little box he put her in, he can always dole out the silent treatment for a while and she will be back at heel...

 

Silent Treatment: Preferred Weapon of People with Narcissism

[Serendipity55]

Elaine567 is spot on...that's exactly what is going on and will keep happening.

 

My xMM didn't do silent treatment to be fair but I did get increasingly fed up with being second, which is essentially what you sign up for as the OW.

 

The only way things change is if the OW takes back the control as the MM will keep trying to maintain the status quo i.e. feeding you breadcrumbs so you remain as the available mistress.

 

I think it's a well proved adage...you and only you determine the level of respect you receive and how you are treated by others. Should be easy peasy to put into practice but I appreciate it can be hard especially when in the grips of an A. Takes a lot of strength and courage but remember you're in control of you, not him.

[Daisychain137]

That article is spot on. What you both have described is true.

 

I feel like turning up at his home and shouting at him for this- I would not of course do that... but I feel like it!

 

I literally feel sick to my stomach and every time my phone beeps gives me a shiver of anxiety when it is not him. I am going to try change my thoughts and stay calm.

 

I wonder what he must be thinking? He must love making me feel like this.

 

I need to distract myself somehow. I just do not know what to do with myself. X

[elaine567]

Affairs only really work well for women when they treat the MM like a FWB and keep him in that box.

As soon as feelings get involved, she becomes very weak and vulnerable. Many men can separate sex and love and some women can too but it seems to me that many women are in affairs for "love" and that one sided "love" is a disaster for them.

He, then holds most of the cards and she is left with the low numbers whilst he holds the aces, the kings, the queens & the jacks... He will therefore always win.

It is strange because actually he has the most to lose in reality, but because telling the wife is seen as low and despicable move by an OW and because she loves him and because she is often pretty vulnerable before she got involved with a MM in the first place, then he is the one who usually calls the shots.

[BuddyX]

"i wonder how many times we forgive someone just because we don’t want to lose them"

 

He has all the power. He can do this, whenever he wants-because you allow it. Go NC and get back your dignity.

 

After my Divorce, yes it was hard. But I never said "poor me. Don't know what to do now". I picked up hobbies. Started hanging out with my friends. Lost 20lbs. The world is mine.

 

I've read so many stories where the OW says she has no one to turn to. She can't confide with anyone. That's bull crap. You made the choice of making MM a priority when you're nothing but an option to him.

 

I can guarantee that if you go NC he'll start fishing for you in a day or two. Stay strong and stay NC. Another possibility is he has another flavor on the side.

[aileD]

He's doing this because of all the reasons above posters have said.

 

 

But also, he's just a disrespectful person in general. Look what he's doing to his wife. Why would you, an Ow,expect more from him?

[Lady2163]

Hello, I don't know what to do and I am looking for some support.

 

Yesterday mm and myself had a telephone argument. It was over the fact he was being disrespectful towards me. Of course I tried to reach out during the hours after the argument to try and resolve; No reply. I was not horrible to him I just told him how I was feeling and he just replied "ok" then shouted at me because he was getting to work and could not talk.

 

He would usually text before bed-nothing. I know he went out last night to a event.

 

I have now forgotten even the reasons why I was angry with him in the argument; my focus is now the pain I am enduring around the uncertainty of when/if he will speak to me again? It's so painful and I don't know what to do. I can't call him so I just have to wait. I feel so hurt that after 4 years he would do this to me. It confirms the point of my original argument about him being disrespectful towards me.

 

Why is he doing this? What can I do? X

 

We can type until our fingers fall off, but until you truly believe my next statement, it is all pointless.

 

You deserve better than this.

 

Anyone, man or woman, single or attached who uses the silent treatment to control and manipulate isn't worth your time.

 

How often did you have sex? I use that as a predictor for when you will hear from him.

 

Years ago, I had an abusive boyfriend. We had sex almost every day. He would get mad and pull the silent treatment with me. He'd pick a fight, usually close to a holiday. He could go ten days before he'd reappear, sometimes still comtinuimg to blame me, sometimes ignoring what caused the fight altogether and sometimes fully apologetic. He'd give me breadcrumbs and I'd give him exactly what he wanted. We never had a fair fight. Things didn't truly end until he found someone else. He picked the last fight, pulled the ghosting stunt and never came back.

 

You already know MM has someone else. And since it has been four years, if he wanted to, if he wanted you, he would have left her. You are just a distraction, a diversion from his life.

 

You deserve better than this. I'm saying this as an xow who was in the perfect relationship or friendship with MM for seven years. It worked for me, I think it worked for him. Move on a and find a man who will be a REAL partner and friend.

[BaileyB]

These posts are absolutely correct. Elaine has hit the nail on the head. You are supposed to be fun and good times... You are not supposed to cause him stress and he doesn't like it.

 

And yes, he is a very disrespectful man... He would have to be a narsassistic and disrespectful man to do what he's doing to his wife. And if he will do it to her, he will do it to you. Don't ever forget that.

 

Go no contact and walk away... You deserve to find someone who wants a real relationship with you and will be conserved and considerate of your feelings. Why you would be willing to settle for anything less... I will never understand.

Edited February 18, 2017 by BaileyB

[Daisychain137]

Thank you to everyone who has taken time to reply. I really appreciate it.

 

I am just overwhelmed today by this; I feel like he is a drug and I just need some contact.

I do agree this is a form of passive aggressive communication on his part. I can't get control until talks to me. If I go no contact on him I will just be behaving the same as him? I would just have to tell him no more- but as he is not talking to me I can't.

 

I am sick to my stomach today. Tried everything I could to distract myself today; yet nothing is making me feel better at all. He has won .... today. Trying to get angry about this but right now I am just sad. My mind has even started wondering if something has happened to him?! But then I realize this is my brains response to try and justify his bad behavior. The truth is he is just being cruel, narcissistic and controlling. How the hell did I fall in love with a man so capable of this.

 

I am tempted to call him.. but then I stop. What's the point ...His actions are speaking a hundred words.

 

I am lucky to find this forum to read words that give me a wake up and support- thank you x

[aileD]

He IS a drug.

 

Treat it as such. Tell someone you trust (admit you have a problem)

 

Quit him cold turkey

 

Block all forms of contact and don't go to places he goes

 

Get out of the habit of him.

 

Once you are free and have gone through your withdrawals you will feel stronger

[HeCantBreakMe]

He IS a drug.

 

Treat it as such. Tell someone you trust (admit you have a problem)

 

Quit him cold turkey

 

Block all forms of contact and don't go to places he goes

 

Get out of the habit of him.

 

Once you are free and have gone through your withdrawals you will feel stronger

 

^^^^yup this.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Thank you to everyone who has taken time to reply. I really appreciate it.

 

I am just overwhelmed today by this; I feel like he is a drug and I just need some contact.

I do agree this is a form of passive aggressive communication on his part. I can't get control until talks to me. If I go no contact on him I will just be behaving the same as him? I would just have to tell him no more- but as he is not talking to me I can't.

 

I am sick to my stomach today. Tried everything I could to distract myself today; yet nothing is making me feel better at all. He has won .... today. Trying to get angry about this but right now I am just sad. My mind has even started wondering if something has happened to him?! But then I realize this is my brains response to try and justify his bad behavior. The truth is he is just being cruel, narcissistic and controlling. How the hell did I fall in love with a man so capable of this.

 

I am tempted to call him.. but then I stop. What's the point ...His actions are speaking a hundred words.

 

I am lucky to find this forum to read words that give me a wake up and support- thank you x

 

Have you googled Limerence because you have it bad ... and it isn't healthy. This is not hethy or good for you. Limerence between two single people is okay. But in your situation it is bad and will end badly.

 

Best thing is to stop all contact. Do it for 6 months minimum and you will start seeing things without thr haze of all this unhealthy attachment

[BuddyX]

He always has wife to fall back onto (I know, that sounds pathetic-but it's true). Create new friendships.

 

You know what I did when I divorced? Had boys weekend out. Felt so good. You're a single female. Why are you torturing yourself? There's a billion available men out there. But I recommend being single for a while. Figure out on why you fell for a MM in the first place.

 

Stick to NC. Not responding is your best response. Remember, Talking to him is like rereading a book. You know how it's going to end.

[BaileyB]

Going no contact is not passive aggressive communication on your part.

 

It is you, a woman with strength and self respect, making a decision that supports what is best for you in your life. No contact is a decision you make that says - I'm not going to devalue myself anymore by allowing myself to be used by a man who can not give me what I want, and deserve, in my life. It's got nothing to do with him, and everything to do with you.

 

Healthy relationships are not a power struggle. Nobody "wins." Both partners give, and share, and love.

[Daisychain137]

Of course -he contacted me about a hour ago.

 

I asked "are you annoyed with me? I played right into his hands as you all predicted. He replied "what do you think?" I said "I needed to seriously talk to him about it" (it was a perfect opportunity to tell him that it is over) I think the argument started because I told him how his behaviour was upsetting me... now it's about me upsetting him????

 

He replied;

"I don't want to talk about it"

 

Really??? What is that all about! I am left feeling shocked. This all started because he originally hurt me. It's like he silenced me in one sentence. He might as well put a bit of tape over my mouth.

 

Turns out he went out last night and he did intentionality "silence" me. I have seen a side of him that makes me very shocked. He purposely ignored me to punish me (as many of you said)

 

I am even more confused now about his actions

I know what I have to do. I need to process a action plan.

[gettingstronger]

I feel like affairs are uneven relationships. As in, for some they have to be issue free or they're not worth it. You have to hold in your true feelings so that you can be that "fantasy" the other wants. Of course, marriages can be that way as well- people stray when the real world seeps in to a marriage. I don't understand people that expect others to never voice their feelings just to please them.

[BuddyX]

There's nothing confusing about this. A man enjoys punishing you. End of story. Action plan is NC.

[aileD]

There's nothing confusing about this. A man enjoys punishing you. End of story. Action plan is NC.

 

Who enjoys punishing you then blames it on you and claims it's all your fault you made him do this.

 

Please run. Don't look back

[BaileyB]

It's not so confusing, really...

 

You were supposed to be fun... If he wanted a woman who would place expectations on him, someone who would get upset and then force him to talk and be considerate of her feelings... well, that's what he has at home. You are an escape, a fantasy.

 

Of course, he doesn't want to talk about it. He wants attention and sex from you... And when you become more demanding, he punishes you and blames you for causing the problem.

 

This is a very uneven relationship. He's been pretty clear about what he expects. It works for him, not so much for you.

 

You know what you have to do. Gather your strength, and walk away. You deserve more than this, and when you find a loving and supportive partner, you will look back and wonder "why did I ever..."

Edited February 18, 2017 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

YOU believe because you invested so much in this man that you deserve a place in his life, he needs to respect you, he needs to take what you say seriously, he needs to take on board your concerns and he needs to do something about anything that you bring up.

 

BUT that is not how it works. YOU provide a service and just like I am sure he doesn't expect his hairdresser or the pizza guy or his lawyer to be upset or moody and expect him to stroke their egos, he doesn't expect you to need that either.

YOU are the happy girl who provides the sex and the attention, if you are not going to do that, then you need sorted out.

He knows you are going nowhere, and you are hooked on him, so he can "use and abuse" you at will.

[Daisychain137]

Today I am in action stage; I am so scared of when I go no contact how I will cope. I know it will be for the best-but the heartbreak I am going to have to endure is scaring me.

 

At the moment I suffer a lot about the affair in silence as no one knows. It doesn't help that mm also silences me too. I know that letting him go for my own sanity is what I have to do. I just worry how I will function, he has been in my life for many years.

 

He told me many years ago that he will never leave his wife; by then I was in deep with him and accepted this. Many will ask why I didn't tell him goodbye and finish it there and then... but the truth is I don't know why?

 

Why do I fear finishing it so much? Is it the change I am fearing? Or finding my self worth (it can't be gone completely) knowing I deserve better.

 

Is this natural to think and be fearful prior to no contact?

X

[freengreen]

He IS a drug.

 

Treat it as such. Tell someone you trust (admit you have a problem)

 

Quit him cold turkey

 

Block all forms of contact and don't go to places he goes

 

Get out of the habit of him.

 

Once you are free and have gone through your withdrawals you will feel stronger

 

Bow to this.. and follow.

[freengreen]

Today I am in action stage; I am so scared of when I go no contact how I will cope. I know it will be for the best-but the heartbreak I am going to have to endure is scaring me.

 

At the moment I suffer a lot about the affair in silence as no one knows. It doesn't help that mm also silences me too. I know that letting him go for my own sanity is what I have to do. I just worry how I will function, he has been in my life for many years.

 

He told me many years ago that he will never leave his wife; by then I was in deep with him and accepted this. Many will ask why I didn't tell him goodbye and finish it there and then... but the truth is I don't know why?

 

Why do I fear finishing it so much? Is it the change I am fearing? Or finding my self worth (it can't be gone completely) knowing I deserve better.

 

Is this natural to think and be fearful prior to no contact?

X

You are surviving with him stringing you along. You will THRIVE without him... NC feels so impossible... but when it works, you bet you never saw this releif coming. Just try.