AdentureWithMe Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 I've been seeing this med student for almost 2 months. I last saw him last Wednesday. He told me of a 1 day ski trip he was taking and asked if I'd be free after I told him no as I'd be out of town on a work trip. After we saw each other Wednesday he had 2 exams coming up; Friday and Monday. I asked how the exam went Friday and he said it went well and said "now to study for Monday! hurrah" and asked how my day went. I replied but that was the end. Sunday I texted him asking what he was looking for, something casual or a relationship? He responded that he liked me, didn't have a plan, and would be willing to have an open discussion about it that week. I suggested Wed/Fri and he said they didn't work but offered Thursday. We agreed on a place and time for Thursday. Wed afternoon he texts me that he messed up and completely forgot he had to be in the ER thursday (didn't put it in his calendar). He said he's at school late every night this week and it's incredibly frustrating. I asked if he had any time Friday or even a phone call phone call if his schedule is too packed. He said he could maybe meet Friday, but he's not sure what time he'd get out. He said it's possible he'd get out before 8pm if not we can talk on the phone. I said OK and to let me know if he can't make it. He texts me an hour before we are supposed to tentatively meet friday saying he's not getting out anytime soon and we can talk on the phone later tonight or sometime soon. He apologized he wouldn't see me before I left for my trip and said it's been a rough week. He said he'd "take me out somewhere nice when you get back :-D" i replied OK asking if he was free now to talk? He said "No, Honestly I shouldn't be texting right now. I snuck away for a moment" I said ooh ok, should I call at 8? or when's good haha? I also said "going out when I get back sounds good and I hope his night at school/work goes well" He replied " sorry I had to put the phone own for a moment. I'll call you if I get out before 9" He went on to say "In other news...."( told me some family news of his that was exciting for him) I responded to his family news "oh wow, that's exciting!" I also said " ok, i'll be up late tonight packing so don't feel like it's ever too late to call even if it's after 10pm or so" Didn't hear a peep...... What I don't get is... he obviously had to go home at some point... even if it was 1am, why not send a quick text? I know he's on his 1 day ski trip today with friends. Again, why not a quick text/explaination? Does he think an explaination is not needed, as he said IF i get out before 9 I"LL call YOU. (nothing mentioning if he gets out after 9 what will happen) I'm not putting all my eggs in this guy's basket of course, still talking with other guys, and going out on dates. However idk why he would keep telling me he likes, offer to take me out somewhere nice when I get back, but can't even send a simple text explaining why he didn't call? I know the life of a med student is insane and you obv don't want to be calling/texting infront of patients and docs while doing rounds.. but he doesn't live at the hospital. He at least had to go home to gather his ski stuff... why not text? Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 can't even send a simple text explaining why he didn't call? -- He didn't call because . . . he didn't want to or he and all his ski friends got together before the trip to start partying . . . You are not in a relationship with him and he doesn't feel obligated to explain himself. Step back from this. Let him demonstrate what he can offer you. If your early dating needs are not being met, you move on. It's already been a couple of months and you've been stressing over him. Your other thread also demonstrates that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tressugar Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 Let him brooch the " question" with you. I keep hearing this is what scares men off. Until then you do you, boo. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AdentureWithMe Posted February 18, 2017 Author Share Posted February 18, 2017 can't even send a simple text explaining why he didn't call? -- He didn't call because . . . he didn't want to or he and all his ski friends got together before the trip to start partying . . . You are not in a relationship with him and he doesn't feel obligated to explain himself. Step back from this. Let him demonstrate what he can offer you. If your early dating needs are not being met, you move on. It's already been a couple of months and you've been stressing over him. Your other thread also demonstrates that. I understand I'm not in a relationship, but what bothers me is "relationship" shouldn't be the determining factor if you are considerate towards someone else. However I guess I'm just learning more about his true colors.... In the sense of "moving on" would this just be me not reaching out again? Or sending him some sort of text "ending it" that I'm not happy with the lack of communication and don't see this working out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AdentureWithMe Posted February 18, 2017 Author Share Posted February 18, 2017 Let him brooch the " question" with you. I keep hearing this is what scares men off. Until then you do you, boo. This question was even more simple than the "what are we?" it was "what are you looking for?" Which should be easily talked about early on... Yeah, I'll continue to do me. If he's too scare to tell me what he wants than that's his issue I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 If it scares men off that's a good thing to bring it up early....it says "you are great but not looking at you as having any potential". He's avoiding that talk on purpose, he didn't text you because he didn't want to. Stop accepting his excuses and stop making excuses for him. He's not into you, move on. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 Honestly, he's not that interested, at least not in anything more than you currently get. He was able to communicate and meet up until you started asking about his intentions. You're right to ask what your date is generally looking for so that you don't waste your time on the wrong guy. He's refusing to answer your question verbally, but his actions and choices are telling you loud and clear what that answer is. That's why he can't send a quick text, but can find time to go skiing with his buddies. He finds time to do the things he wants. He's too busy when he doesn't want to do something...like have conversations where he has to admit that he's just looking for a little casual fun when it suits him. As long as he doesn't tell you that point blank, chances are you'll hang around, give him what he wants, and string yourself along making excuses for why he can't give you the type of relationship you seek. Look elsewhere. You're wasting your time with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AdentureWithMe Posted February 18, 2017 Author Share Posted February 18, 2017 I agree that this is not going to work. But how do I "move on'? I'm definitely not going to reach out to ask about anything. However should i tell him " you seem too busy for what I want right now. This won't work" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 You don't have to say anything. He's chosen to make himself scarce, hoping you eventually drop the question. Don't chase after him to try and communicate. Go about your life. Date other guys. When he eventually contacts you, just tell him this isn't going to work out for you and wish him the best. No need for a long-drawn out discussion about he seems too busy, etc.. You weren't worthy of a simply text when you kept trying to meet with him. Don't honor him with long explanations when he barely respects you and your time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 Just remember don't let him hoover you back in with false promises.....close that door. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 I understand I'm not in a relationship, but what bothers me is "relationship" shouldn't be the determining factor if you are considerate towards someone else. However I guess I'm just learning more about his true colors.... In the sense of "moving on" would this just be me not reaching out again? Or sending him some sort of text "ending it" that I'm not happy with the lack of communication and don't see this working out? I would sit back and wait for him to reach out to you again. Then, you have the conversation that needs to be had over the phone, not text. If he takes a while to reach out again, it should be even easier to do what needs to be done. As far as being considerate, eh, we don't know what went on on his side. He may have been out much later than planned, got held up at the hospital and felt that he was being considerate by not calling you really late at night. Stuff happens. Bottom line is he just isn't/can't meet your dating needs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AdentureWithMe Posted February 18, 2017 Author Share Posted February 18, 2017 Well I do have a date #1 with a new guy this afternoon. So hopefully that will go well! I just don't like being disrespected/not even being worth a text. But I can see his actions are crystal clear and he's just doesn't want to come across as being a d*ck, wants to still keep me around for fun/dates on his schedule. Part of me wants to tell him off.. but I'm sure that will somehow backfire and him think "wow, I dodged a bullet". Let's just hope HE texts ME so I can tell him he seems too busy and he's not what I'm looking for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lionlover1973 Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 After we saw each other Wednesday he had 2 exams coming up; Friday and Monday. Sunday I texted him asking what he was looking for, something casual or a relationship? Hardly an appropriate question to ask the day before a big exam. Especially considering he would most likely be studying non-stop. He replied " sorry I had to put the phone own for a moment. I'll call you if I get out before 9". Perhaps he did not call because he finished very late and had little time in-between getting prepared for his ski trip and tending to other personal obligations? Perhaps he did not want to get into a full blown conversation about "where things are going relationship-wise" between exams, work, personal life and vacation and the fact that you're going out of town. Perhaps he's purposely avoiding you now. Whatever the case may be - I would at least give him the opportunity to get back to you within a reasonable amount of time, before you "move on". Your call. Nonetheless - considering where he is in life right now (med student), if you decide to stick it out, you're going to have to be patient and flexible with the in-between communication (or lack thereof) because of his work load and insane schedule, if things are to progress. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 Like I always say....date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. If they don't have time, cancel on you all the time because things keep coming up, and don't have the courtesy to contact you, it's a no brainer you don't like being treated like this regardless of it being legit or not. Your expectations were not being fulfilled....I would just simply pass on this one. No point in hoping for him to "reach out" if he doesn't have the time to commit anyways. You have better options waiting out there for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AdentureWithMe Posted February 18, 2017 Author Share Posted February 18, 2017 Hardly an appropriate question to ask the day before a big exam. Especially considering he would most likely be studying non-stop. Perhaps he did not call because he finished very late and had little time in-between getting prepared for his ski trip and tending to other personal obligations? Perhaps he did not want to get into a full blown conversation about "where things are going relationship-wise" between exams, work, personal life and vacation and the fact that you're going out of town. Perhaps he's purposely avoiding you now. Whatever the case may be - I would at least give him the opportunity to get back to you within a reasonable amount of time, before you "move on". Your call. Nonetheless - considering where he is in life right now (med student), if you decide to stick it out, you're going to have to be patient and flexible with the in-between communication (or lack thereof) because of his work load and insane schedule, if things are to progress. It wasn't a "what are we" it was a "what are you looking for?" as far as the timing there would never be a "good time". THere will always be another exam. a clinic, a rotation, etc. IF he was truly interested he would have kept his word.He was the one who wanted to talk in person about it and then couldn't even make a phone call. He's just not available at this point in his life and shouldn't be dating. He only seem capable of casual dating, yet he's too scared to tell me that bc he know I won't like that/will leave. He's trying to have his cake and he eat it too, but he's just coming across as selfish and extremely (although medical school legitimate) preoccupied. NEXT. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 (edited) He's just not available at this point in his life and shouldn't be dating. He only seem capable of casual dating, yet he's too scared to tell me that bc he know I won't like that/will leave. He's trying to have his cake and he eat it too, but he's just coming across as selfish and extremely (although medical school legitimate) preoccupied. NEXT. To be clear, med students routinely date and have serious relationships while they are in med school. Some even get married while in med school. Many marry after med school, but it's someone they were in a serious relationship with in med school. It's not that he's unavailable or capable of only dating casually. It's not that he's so busy with school that he can't even manage a text or phone call. He's choosing not to look for anything more than casual with you. That's his prerogative. Just as it's his prerogative to be available to go on ski trips with certain friends during the school year but not others. We all get to choose how we spend our time and with whom. Interest and investment aren't reciprocated here. I would just move on. Edited February 18, 2017 by angel.eyes Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 It wasn't a "what are we" it was a "what are you looking for?" as far as the timing there would never be a "good time". THere will always be another exam. a clinic, a rotation, etc. Disagree completely. The right time would be when you were with him, so you could discuss it. Text is the wrong venue and a turn-off, imo. He's trying to have his cake and he eat it too This is conjecture on your part. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 He's choosing not to look for anything more than casual with you. That's his prerogative. Just as it's his prerogative to be available to go on ski trips with certain friends during the school year but not others. We all get to choose how we spend our time and with whom. This is it! You are definitely more invested in this "relationship" than this man. Men like women who show interest, they don't like women who chase them and put unrealistic expectations on them. Time to find someone who reciprocates your interest and has more time to develop the kind of relationship you want. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 It's obvious he doesn't have the time to invest in a relationship to begin with and he probably just assumed you knew that. He is just being a coward at this point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AdentureWithMe Posted February 18, 2017 Author Share Posted February 18, 2017 Disagree completely. The right time would be when you were with him, so you could discuss it. Text is the wrong venue and a turn-off, imo. It was always hard to know when I'd see him next so that question would have ideally happened in person, but I didn't see it unfolding that way. If he WAS interested he wouldn't have gotten scared and thus started with the avoidance coward tactics. The one time I called ( weeks ago, just to talk) he answered me with a text. He wasn't very skilled in the communication department. See me was very much revolving around his schedule and minimal effort his his part to "keep the momentum going" by talking between dates. It's early enough that not much time was invested into him. He just couldn't handle a relationship where he was at in life and maybe had generally poor communication skills OR it was just the fact he couldn't/didn't want want anything serious. Link to post Share on other sites
lionlover1973 Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 It wasn't a "what are we" it was a "what are you looking for?" Phrase it any way you like, essentially it has the same meaning. He's trying to have his cake and he eat it too, but he's just coming across as selfish and extremely (although medical school legitimate) preoccupied. NEXT. Sounds like you've made up your mind. Stick to your guns! Link to post Share on other sites
GoldSparkz Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 (edited) Sorry to hear that this guy is messing you around. In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with having a chat to see where things are going after 2 months. At least you know where you stand early on and don't waste any more time. If a guy wants the same as you he would be more than happy to have this discussion. But it sounds like this guy didn't have the balls to just tell you, so yes, at least you've seen his true colours. In terms of moving on, I wouldn't even waste my time and texts on this guy any more. Date the other guys and soon this ball sack will be out of your thoughts. Dont be surprised if he bounces back when he no longer feels like he's getting any attention. Guys like him do this all the time. When their egos are no longer getting massaged, they throw in the "hey" texts out of nowhere. If this transpires, then delete and ignore. Continue as you were! Edited February 18, 2017 by GoldSparkz Spelling 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 He sounds like he's talking the talk but not walking the walk. He is not making time for you. You need someone who is available to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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