Inconsistencies of recovery [UPDATED disappointing relapse]

[FlemishSwanSong]

I'm 4 months post DDay (and 3 months into NC). Like many of us on here, I bought into false ideas of being with my exMM in the future, only to find when the A was discovered he instantly worked on repairing his R with his wife and family.

 

On one hand I've found I've come along way through the recovery process. Initially emotional, depressed and consumed by thoughts of him and the 'what ifs'.

 

Now I think more realistic and able to view and understand the A and his feelings in a more transparent way.

 

However, my point really is, just what a slow and inconsistent journey this recovery is. Lonely at times, with few that understand. Lack of closure and at times still wishing for that contact where things could be put to rest. Plenty of triggers which mean that the A and the associated regretful feelings are never far away. Some days are still very dark.

 

Do you ever really FULLY get over it, or does that really depend on how it ended?

[Taxed]

Very good question. I think that we will recover and heal but just like a psychical wound there will always be a scar. How well one will recover, depends on ones will to recover and the actions that one takes to get there. That would be my guess. I am only slowly recovering as I have to see him occasionally at work.

 

You are luckily NC which, according to experience, helps the healing proces move along much faster.

[Jemima1234]

From somebody that had an affair many years ago- yes time does heal. I remember the agony of the first few months- heartbroken! Then the Rollercoaster of ups and downs the triggers the strong moments the hellish times! But one day I realised I was ok- never over him, always loved him but I could survive.

Now just don't me a fool like me - after all that recovery here i am again!

[freengreen]

This is the same man:

 

First time: EA for 4 months

He ghosted, no closure. Took double the time of A (7 months) to recover. But took him back when he came back.

 

Second time: EA for 4 months

D day+me guilty and tired of A. I had already made a proposal to stop. He moved on quickly. I am in 4 months NC, probably 4 more, but this time I wont take him back.

 

Closure does make things easy but recovery depends upon the emotion you put into it.

[Grey Cloud]

4 months is still quite early. I would say I really noticed a difference around 8 to 10 months and now one year out I'm feeling more like my old self. Time is what it takes.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You do get over it completely but it can take a long time. You have to have complete and total NC. No communication of any kind.

 

I had to see him for almost a year after it ended and it really kept me in a frozen state, unable to let go and move on with my life. Ironically running into him a few weeks ago after two months of NC sealed the deal and allowed me to finally gain the closure I had been missing. The closure didn't come from him, but from myself. In these situations, you need to understand why you got in this place, why you chose him and - why he chose you.

 

The last part is harder, he will never tell you so you need to write your own story with it's own ending. Part of that involves seeing it all from a different perspective and seeing it all for what it truly was. Once you truly understand all the parts at play, you are able to close the door and truly move on with your life. The love dissipates, the thoughts stop, and your self worth increases. The experience becomes just another memory stored in the back of your mind.

[FlemishSwanSong]

Thank you all, some brilliant, helpful and encouraging responses. It sounds like the old adage about time being a great healer is probably true. There are still days when I don't feel committed to NC and still wish he would make contact. I hope these will eventually disappear. 4 minutes months as mentioned is still

quite recent, to get over someone I have been friends with, loved and admired for many years. I DO see the real him though - mostly!

 

Midnight Blue, Taxed and Grey Cloud I am pleased to know you are well on your own paths to recovery. Jemima I take your point about repeating the cycle, I hope you are able to recover well a second time. It sounds like you have gone through a lot.

 

Midnight Blue, thank you especially for that last paragraph. I find it really inspiring and uplifting. I know I still focus too much on his perspective, what did it mean to him, does he miss me etc - I'll never know. Developing the best understanding I can, reducing the constant speculation and doing my best to close the door on it all is my aim. I'm not sure it can ever be shut tight.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

ten characters

Edited February 20, 2017 by MidnightBlue1980

[deadsoul]

You do get over it completely but it can take a long time. You have to have complete and total NC. No communication of any kind.

 

I had to see him for almost a year after it ended and it really kept me in a frozen state, unable to let go and move on with my life. Ironically running into him a few weeks ago after two months of NC sealed the deal and allowed me to finally gain the closure I had been missing. The closure didn't come from him, but from myself. In these situations, you need to understand why you got in this place, why you chose him and - why he chose you.

 

The last part is harder, he will never tell you so you need to write your own story with it's own ending. Part of that involves seeing it all from a different perspective and seeing it all for what it truly was. Once you truly understand all the parts at play, you are able to close the door and truly move on with your life. The love dissipates, the thoughts stop, and your self worth increases. The experience becomes just another memory stored in the back of your mind.

 

This part here.

[MidnightBlue1980]

This part here.

 

I had decided to write on my own thread.

[FlemishSwanSong]

My EA and PA stopped 6months ago following DDay. I thought I genuinely loved this MM and him me. We both indicated we were unhappy in our marriages, but at the point of detection he choose his W (according to him for the sake of the children...who knows really.)

 

I've been in NC since November. I have thought of him every day, though it has got progressively easier after a painful few months. Even now, this is not true NC. Whilst we aren't friends on FB, I haven't blocked him and occasionally see his activity on mutual friends pages. I haven't blocked him because I don't feel ready to yet. I do look for signs. I know it's sad and I'm not helping myself.

 

This weekend has been so difficult and derailed my progress. The trigger being a piece of significant news about him that was mentioned to me unwittingly. It's increased the amount of time I think about him, caused me real stress and depression. The urge to contact him is strong. I won't. I couldn't take a further rejection.

 

Have others had these relapses just over pieces of news? Is there a good way to cope? I feel my mental health has been so badly effected. I'm naturally a relaxed and happy person. I always feel sad now. Happiness has become an act.

 

I feel very low. I'd love support and helpful advise.

[FoundMyStrength]

I've been in strict NC just a bit longer than you, since Oct. Since then, I've probably had 2 or 3 times when I've heard a significant piece of news about his life. Mostly because we share a mutual friend who doesn't know about the affair and mentions him occasionally.

 

Each time, I've gone into a tailspin just like you. The first time for several weeks, but it's gotten better since. What I do is try to think about this. If he cared enough, he'd want me in his life. If he cared enough, he'd reach out. If he cared enough, I'd be by his side. But instead, I'm hearing this secondhand snippet of news over WhatsApp from a mutual friend.

 

When I think about it like that, it makes me feel second best. That I'm not worth enough to be a real part of his life. And that gives me strong motivation to stay away. None of us OWs should accept that role again.

[Friskyone4u]

My EA and PA stopped 6months ago following DDay. I thought I genuinely loved this MM and him me. We both indicated we were unhappy in our marriages, but at the point of detection he choose his W (according to him for the sake of the children...who knows really.)

 

I've been in NC since November. I have thought of him every day, though it has got progressively easier after a painful few months. Even now, this is not true NC. Whilst we aren't friends on FB, I haven't blocked him and occasionally see his activity on mutual friends pages. I haven't blocked him because I don't feel ready to yet. I do look for signs. I know it's sad and I'm not helping myself.

 

This weekend has been so difficult and derailed my progress. The trigger being a piece of significant news about him that was mentioned to me unwittingly. It's increased the amount of time I think about him, caused me real stress and depression. The urge to contact him is strong. I won't. I couldn't take a further rejection.

 

Have others had these relapses just over pieces of news? Is there a good way to cope? I feel my mental health has been so badly effected. I'm naturally a relaxed and happy person. I always feel sad now. Happiness has become an act.

 

I feel very low. I'd love support and helpful advise.

 

Helpful advice. Probably not what you want to hear. How about since you've had a D Day and have crapped all over your husband, either divorce him and continue to chase you other man, or start to devote some energy to seeing if you can fix your marriage.

 

The quickest way to get out of the fog is either to have your husband give you divorce papers, which apparently he has not done, or for you to decide to go "all in" and stay married.

 

If you husband had come on to a forum like this, he would have been told to tell your friends and family what you have done, and then you would not have the problem of your friends inadvertently talking about OM.

 

So the advice is simple. You do not even mention your husband here so its failrly obvious you are more regretful than remorseful . Get yourself to a therapist and either get all in or all out. That will help your fog.

[Origin]

My EA and PA stopped 6months ago following DDay. I thought I genuinely loved this MM and him me. We both indicated we were unhappy in our marriages, but at the point of detection he choose his W (according to him for the sake of the children...who knows really.)

 

I've been in NC since November. I have thought of him every day, though it has got progressively easier after a painful few months. Even now, this is not true NC. Whilst we aren't friends on FB, I haven't blocked him and occasionally see his activity on mutual friends pages. I haven't blocked him because I don't feel ready to yet. I do look for signs. I know it's sad and I'm not helping myself.

 

This weekend has been so difficult and derailed my progress. The trigger being a piece of significant news about him that was mentioned to me unwittingly. It's increased the amount of time I think about him, caused me real stress and depression. The urge to contact him is strong. I won't. I couldn't take a further rejection.

 

Have others had these relapses just over pieces of news? Is there a good way to cope? I feel my mental health has been so badly effected. I'm naturally a relaxed and happy person. I always feel sad now. Happiness has become an act.

 

I feel very low. I'd love support and helpful advise.

 

Highlighted above is your problem. I had to change my number, email block, FB and Snapchat, throw away all things, pictures, gifts, even change my song playlist, pretty much anything that would make me "think of her" had to GO AWAY. Sucks we work together i cant change that but once i leave work and come home i want that to be about me and no distractions.

 

 

I was like you "low, depressed and unhappy" not that long ago. I started reading "The 10 Scrolls from the Greatest Salesman in the World", its pretty powerful, give it a try. I read 1 scroll, per day, 3 times a day. It actually helped me a lot to rediscover myself as a person.

 

Good luck to you.

[FlemishSwanSong]

I've been in strict NC just a bit longer than you, since Oct. Since then, I've probably had 2 or 3 times when I've heard a significant piece of news about his life. Mostly because we share a mutual friend who doesn't know about the affair and mentions him occasionally.

 

Each time, I've gone into a tailspin just like you. The first time for several weeks, but it's gotten better since. What I do is try to think about this. If he cared enough, he'd want me in his life. If he cared enough, he'd reach out. If he cared enough, I'd be by his side. But instead, I'm hearing this secondhand snippet of news over WhatsApp from a mutual friend.

 

When I think about it like that, it makes me feel second best. That I'm not worth enough to be a real part of his life. And that gives me strong motivation to stay away. None of us OWs should accept that role again.

 

Thank you FoundMyStrength. I'm sorry we're in the same situation. As we you we have mutual friends. I found your comments really helpful, in terms of it does get better and how you consider your xMM to put it in perspective. Thank you.

[FlemishSwanSong]

I was like you "low, depressed and unhappy" not that long ago. I started reading "The 10 Scrolls from the Greatest Salesman in the World", its pretty powerful, give it a try. I read 1 scroll, per day, 3 times a day. It actually helped me a lot to rediscover myself as a person.

 

Good luck to you.

 

You're right Origin. I'm not true NC. I need to deal with this. I just don't feel ready to block, it's that secret sign seeking. I will read the suggested above. I hope this will help. As you say, hopefully rediscover me and get me moving on from this.

Good luck to you too.