What is wrong with us ?

[sprotz]

You can check another thread on this site called 'suicidal over being dateless'. It involves the author of the thread, and me, both unable to get girlfriends, both destined for loneliness. So I want to ask, what is wrong with us ? what is wrong with me ? I wonder what will become of me. Since I have stopped being suicidal, I am now only in self sabotage mode until my parents who are currently supporting me, will no longer be there to do so. i'm 34, I can't reverse time and my lifelong goal gone permanently, there is nothing anyone can do.

[d0nnivain]

There isn't anything wrong with you. Although I suspect you may be able to polish your social skills to make it easier to interact with potential dates.

 

 

Can you be more specific about what you have tried? What are your friendships like?

[Gr8fuln2020]

You can check another thread on this site called 'suicidal over being dateless'. It involves the author of the thread, and me, both unable to get girlfriends, both destined for loneliness. So I want to ask, what is wrong with us ? what is wrong with me ? I wonder what will become of me. Since I have stopped being suicidal, I am now only in self sabotage mode until my parents who are currently supporting me, will no longer be there to do so. i'm 34, I can't reverse time and my lifelong goal gone permanently, there is nothing anyone can do.

 

sprotz. You are being supported by your parents at the age of 34! Do you live with them too? These alone will make it very difficult for you to date.

 

What have you done to help yourself? Are you in the position to do so?

[d0nnivain]

If you are feeling suicidal, you need to get professional medical help. Once you address those issues, it will probably be easier to date.

[sprotz]

Can you be more specific about what you have tried? What are your friendships like?

 

I mentioned that in that thread 'suicidal over being dateless'. To summarize, my goal was to have a highschool sweetheart but I grew up in isolation from suitable females. At that time I was too chicken, too awkward to talk to the very few girls available. Me being mixed race made me lack the natural courtship instincts needed, which everyone else has.

[Gr8fuln2020]

If you are feeling suicidal, you need to get professional medical help. Once you address those issues, it will probably be easier to date.

 

Absolutely. BUT...why are you suicidal? Because you can't date or because you are depressed? Which is the symptom and which is the cause? Regardless, make certain you are taking care of yourself by getting professional help.

 

If you are suicidal b/c you can't date, then you need to deal with the foundation of the problem. You need to be more independent, self-sufficient and make yourself marketable for dating. You need to get out there and be more sociable, open and available. Are you doing these things?

[sprotz]

sprotz. You are being supported by your parents at the age of 34! Do you live with them too?

 

I live with my mom now, and my brother who is 29 and in university at the moment. He has a sweet girlfriend. I am in a city that is littered with pretty girls.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Me being mixed race made me lack the natural courtship instincts needed, which everyone else has.

 

What?! I'm mixed race and have never had problems dating. In fact, it makes more open to all races. Is this a silly excuse? Where are you that your 'mixed race' prevents you from dating?

[sprotz]

What are your friendships like?

 

I have and had very few friends. And I never approached them. All my friends came to me first. And all friends but one, were male. I am very quiet and shy, and not social.

[sprotz]

 

If you are suicidal b/c you can't date, then you need to deal with the foundation of the problem. You need to be more independent, self-sufficient and make yourself marketable for dating. You need to get out there and be more sociable, open and available. Are you doing these things?

 

The very dilemma of being dateless is causing the self sabotage effect, meaning I can't do anything.

[sprotz]

What?! I'm mixed race and have never had problems dating. In fact, it makes more open to all races. Is this a silly excuse? Where are you that your 'mixed race' prevents you from dating?

 

Not all mixed race people will have courtship problems, but I believe my genes were mis-handled in the process to make me very awkward and unsocial.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I have and had very few friends. And I never approached them. All my friends came to me first. And all friends but one, were male. I am very quiet and shy, and not social.

 

sprotz. Unless there's something else you're not telling us, this is solvable. Plenty of shy guys are able to date, BUT YOU need to expose yourself more to other people. Hang out more with your friends and I don't mean playing computer/console games all day long. Go out and mingle with the social world. This is just one important way to improve your social skills, develop more confidence.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Not all mixed race people will have courtship problems, but I believe my genes were mis-handled in the process to make me very awkward and unsocial.

 

NOTHING to do with you being mixed-race. PERIOD. You gotta get out there!

[sprotz]

sprotz. Unless there's something else you're not telling us, this is solvable. Plenty of shy guys are able to date, BUT YOU need to expose yourself more to other people. Hang out more with your friends and I don't mean playing computer/console games all day long. Go out and mingle with the social world. This is just one important way to improve your social skills, develop more confidence.

 

I've had friends my whole life, but that did not improve my social skills much. As if by fate, I just keep being in all the wrong places, where there are simply no females around. Solvable? How can I ever go back in time to high school and correct my mistake ?

[d0nnivain]

I went back & read what you posted in the other thread. I don't know how to quote it.

 

 

I still say there is nothing wrong with you but you are making some fixable mistakes.

 

 

1. You are 34 & being supported by your parents. Since you are university educated at 2 different schools in 2 different counties you should be able to get a job that will enable you to support yourself. The sense of accomplishment you acquire from earning a pay check & making your way in the world will help with your self esteem issues.

 

 

2. You have to stop thinking that your mixed race heritage is a problem. It should be an asset. Most mixed race people are exotic. It's an unusual combo so you are automatically anything but boring. Most of us are so consumed with trying not be ordinary that we have trouble understanding why you view an asset as a fault.

 

 

3. You have to stop living in the past. High school has been over for a long time. The fact that you didn't have a high school sweetheart is inconsequential. Most people didn't. It's a Hollywood construct not a meaningful life ambition. Of the few that had a HS sweetheart even fewer are still with that person. Who you were at 15 is vastly different then who you are at 34. In all likelihood you would have outgrown each other anyway.

 

 

4. You have to move forward. Boo hoo. There weren't a lot of girls in your university & your neighbors weren't friendly. So look elsewhere. Somehow you have shrunk so far into yourself & your pity party you failed to learn to interact with others. You need to learn how to do that now. Learning to network for business helped me socially. It forced me out of my comfort zone. I developed a firm handshake & improved eye contact. I was probably about your age when I had to learn those skills. It is possible to develop new skills but you have to willing to put yourself out there. You can't continue to blame your present situation on what happened or didn't happen in high school & college. You have to take steps to fix your situation.

 

 

Step 1. Get therapy.

 

 

Step 2. Get a job

 

 

Step 3 Stop being dependent on your parents.

 

 

You can affect change in your life. You just have to be willing to put in the effort. Are you?

[sprotz]

Who you were at 15 is vastly different "then" who you are at 34.

 

It's "than", not "then". You should use the correct English.

 

Anyway that's just me. The High school sweetheart was my lifelong dream, It is what I preferred to live for because it is my mentality. Fate should have known that. Concerning university, I didn't finish. I just stopped after one year in each. And I don't want to work. I don't need to, my family owns businesses.

[d0nnivain]

Because correcting my grammar was the most important take away from my response.

 

 

Bottom line: You don't want to change. That is what is wrong & why you will never have the love life you claim to want. You are unwilling to work for it.

[sprotz]

It is a feedback loop effect, self sabotage.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I've had friends my whole life, but that did not improve my social skills much. As if by fate, I just keep being in all the wrong places, where there are simply no females around. Solvable? How can I ever go back in time to high school and correct my mistake ?

 

Mistakes are in the past. You don't go BACK, you move forward and improve your lot. You and your friends need to be in places where there is a better mix. Again, you may be going out, but if all you do are 'guy' things w/o an ladies around, you mind as well be in the basement playing xbox or playstation all day. Go to parties, hang out at the mall, join a social club, etc.

[BaileyB]

You either believe that you are a victim, that life is something that happens to you, and what has happened is unfair and out of your control to change...

 

Or, you believe that you have the ability to create the life you want and you take the steps required to achieve the things that are important to you.

 

It's your decision. Which do you believe?

 

Look... Nobody in life gets everything they want. things definitely didn't turn out the way I would have planned or wanted in my life. But, I am still responsible for creating a happy life. I have worked hard and I have made the best of things.

 

You bloom where you are planted. But, it's up to you to bloom.

 

Thinking that you are a victim and blaming other people or circumstances for the things that aren't going the way you want in your life is not going to get you anywhere. At some point, you have to put on your big boy pants and take respnsibilty for your own life and your happiness. It's just the way it goes...

 

Life is hard sometimes, I'm not going to say that it's not. But, everyone has failures and disappointments in life. It's what you do with those disappointments that's important. Do you throw your hands up, decide you are a victim, and blame everything else for your problems. Or, do you work hard to turn your failures into success. It's up to you.

 

Find a good counsellor and start to develop the life skills that you will need to get what you want in life. Good luck!

Edited February 19, 2017 by BaileyB

[OatsAndHall]

I

 

 

Step 1. Get therapy.

 

 

Step 2. Get a job

 

 

Step 3 Stop being dependent on your parents.

 

 

You can affect change in your life. You just have to be willing to put in the effort. Are you?

 

I agree with these three points. I have been a serious mess many times in my life but I was at my worst when an engagement ended in my early twenties and when I ended up divorced. I had to learn a few things:

 

1. I needed a social life outside of my significant others. I have friends but I rarely spent much time with them. An afternoon out with them every once in awhile and that was about it. Since my divorce, I have forced myself to be more social even when I didn't feel like it. For example, I was tired and depressed last weekend and didn't really feel like doing anything. But, I knew that sitting around my place and playing video games was going to make things worse so I went and played pool with a few co-workers. I don't know them well but I felt much better after getting out of the house.

 

2. I needed to stop focusing on dating and the opposite sex. I was miserable for a long time because I was basically obsessed with finding a partner either in RL or via OLD. I had more than a few dates and had fun at times but it just sapped my energy. I'm seeing someone now but I wouldn't be dating much if I were single.

 

3. I really, really had to learn to be happy with being alone. I wasn't doing myself and anyone else any good by tying my happiness into being with someone. I care about my girlfriend a great deal but I know that I'll be alright if things are don't work out.

[sprotz]

Which do you believe?

 

What I'm saying is that it seems I simply don't have the necessary instincts or psychology for socializing or relationships. A car can't run with a defective engine. I've been to a counsellor once, but this time it's hard to find an English speaking therapist in this city.

[BaileyB]

What I'm saying is that it seems I simply don't have the necessary instincts or psychology for socializing or relationships. A car can't run with a defective engine. I've been to a counsellor once, but this time it's hard to find an English speaking therapist in this city.

 

I don't know that it comes naturally to anyone... It is a learned skill. Decide what you need to learn, seek information, and then practice your skills.

 

Many people are not good at dating. But, if you put yourself in social situations and meet people, you can practice and develop these skills.

 

A counsellor won't help you to develop social skills or dating skills. Read books and look for information online. Or, try to find a dating coach or mentor. Learn and practice. Meet people, ask girls out, and know that you will meet rejection but keep trying. Good luck!

Edited February 19, 2017 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

You don't have to visit a therapist physically, you can have therapy sessions via skype/internet.

 

Stop making excuses, accept and make a strong effort with the advice given. You don't have to do everything at once but pick one thing to work on and give it 110% effort.

 

I suggest finding a therapist via the net, but one that uses exposure therapy. That is more action on your part rather than sitting there talking. They will locate someone to take you out and put you in social situations to teach you there is nothing to be afraid of. It's not the fact you don't have social skills per say, it's the fact you suffer from anxiety. There is medication that can be described but exposure therapy is a key part of the process.

[PinkPampies]

Op, you seem to have a victim mentality. And you don't want to work? Working gives you lifelong skills that you can't achieve sitting home. Go get a job for Petes sake!! Try working in a restaurant- a social situation where you will meet a lot of people and gain valuable social skills - which you seem to be lacking.

 

This can give you confidence in yourself to meet people and you will feel good about yourself while you earn your own money and accomplishments. This creates a confidence that women are attracted to.

 

Or you can just stay home sequestered in your parents house at 35 waiting for a woman to drop from the sky at your doorstep. Because you have no means to meet anyone and even if you do, you live at home with your parents and don't work. What woman is going to want to date you? I hate to be harsh, but this is the reality.