A place for me to write

[newheart]

I don't expect this to make sense to anyone, but I figured I'd start my own thread to just write each day as I heal (hopefully, lol). I need an outlet. I need to be able to say what is on my mind, no matter how sad or silly, reasonable or unreasonable.

 

It has been 11 days since I last heard his voice, 12 days since we had a real phone conversation, 18 days since I sat by his side, held his hand, kissed his lips. 6 days since any texts were sent, but that was only the final goodbye which was already imminent anyway, 10 days since a non-relationship topic text was sent (HBD). In 3 days, was our tickets to a show for my birthday. I wonder what he has done with them, sold them I hope to recoup some of the cost.

 

The anger has left me. It sucks. I'd rather be angry; it is easier to believe I deserve better and just be mad at him. I think about last year's birthday card and Valentine's Day card he wrote me - I know exactly where they are tucked away, and I have thought of pulling them out to read them, but I think I'd break.

 

With the anger gone, I wonder what I could have done differently. That Thursday night before all of this, he thought I was coming over and I didn't know he was home from work waiting, if I had gone to see him anyway - would we be in a different place right now? As crazy as it sounds, I think we would have. If I went to see him Thursday, maybe he wouldn't have felt that I "wedged him into" my plans Saturday, he wouldn't have canceled. Or canceled near my birthday. Or maybe it was none of this at all, maybe he just has realized he does not love me.

 

But in the end, I guess it all comes down to - I am still not a mind reader. I never knew what he wanted or needed from me, and God, I loved him so much, I would have given it to him if only I had known. But I can't play this guessing game my whole life. And if not this month that this would have happened, it would have come up again if he didn't learn how to talk to me.

 

What if I said the wrong thing in my final text to him? I mean, it is terrible enough that we said goodbye in a text, and we've never been successful in communicating via text. What if he realizes he made a mistake, but won't reach out to make it right because of what I said? I guess it is for the best ... but there are so many what ifs.

 

I am sitting at my desk at home on my laptop ... I don't use this often, usually on my phone somewhere or at work. But next to me is a little gift book I had bought him, "Me Without You." I had thought it was cute - I was going to tuck it into his luggage with a note when he was on a business trip last spring. I didn't, I lost my nerve. I don't know why. It's been sitting here ever since. Not that it matters I guess ... I made him the "open when" letters for our one year anniversary, and last I saw, they were sitting unopened in a bag of his belongings from October. I don't even know if he realizes they are there, but I can't imagine how he doesn't. I don't get that about him.

 

He bought tickets for us to take his parents to a concert of an older singer in June ... of course, most of his songs are about love and heartbreak, so now I sit here torturing myself with them.

 

I am looking forward to a night's sleep where I don't dream about him.

[Life lessons]

Awwww. best of luck to you sweetie!! I may eventually do what you are doing and just start a "journal" on here. I have so many secrets and I have to vent to someone soon....but it could never be anyone I know. Ever!!

[MeadowFlower]

I will admit I didn't read all your post, but I'll say, it will get better. Give it time. And yes this LS community can be a good thing, a place where people are going through similar things and can be alibis, support in being a dumpee.

[Jagged100]

Awwww. best of luck to you sweetie!! I may eventually do what you are doing and just start a "journal" on here. I have so many secrets and I have to vent to someone soon....but it could never be anyone I know. Ever!!

I understand your pain, I feel the same. So many thoughts and no one to tell them to

[newheart]

When do the dreams stop? I wonder if there is something I can do ... I tried taking a sleep aid, tried without. I am usually exhausted, but then I sleep for a few hours, wake from a dream that included him, and end up not being able to fall back asleep for a few more hours. Last night I actually slept relatively well, but he was in two dreams. One, a family gathering at his house, hanging out with his family like usual. There was a baby there that I didn't recognize, but we were taking care of him. I kissed him goodbye, he told me to call him when I got home. We made plans for the following day. Really benign stuff, but almost making it more painful. He had a cameo appearance in another dream too, but I don't remember that one. At least it wasn't the dream saying ILY, or reconciling over breakfast, like a few days ago.

 

I wish we had a fight, some disagreement, some insurmountable difference that we both acknowledged to make this easier. Of course, there obviously was an insurmountable difference I just didn't know about ... or I did, I do ... it's the communication, I just thought we had taken care of that.

 

A good friend of mine thinks that right now, I am focusing on all of the really wonderful parts of the relationship, mostly in the first nine months or so, and that I wasn't as happy as I really think I was in my current mindset. That may be true ... there were other things that bothered me, but nothing ever that I thought were huge issues ... mostly things that were created as a result of our time apart which I thought would eventually resolve itself. I honestly thought that we'd live together in a few years when my kids graduated. I literally just laughed out loud to myself ... I guess I should have shared that plan with him, huh? Maybe I am losing it.

 

Maybe I just need to come to terms with the fact that he doesn't love me the way I thought he did, as painful as that is to write. It still doesn't seem true, though.

 

In the end, I suppose it doesn't matter, whether he lacked love or whether it was his inner demons he cannot conquer to be in a relationship, all that matters is I wasn't getting what I deserved. I kept trying, and trying. I bent over backwards to please him, not knowing what it was he even wanted from me, and I missed the mark. I sold myself short while doing so, put my own needs to the side figuring one day it would all work out, one day I'd fall asleep next to him every night.

 

This just means there is something better out there for me.

[newheart]

I just miss him terribly.

[Goodguy05]

After 2 or 3 mths it starts to get manageable well for me anyway not over it but it's more controlled so to speak im not sure wat happenned between u i understand or i can see ur writings com8ng from the heart sometimes a relationship needs a hero but wthout details I couldn't really give u my opinion nor others on here anyway big hug and it was a nice piece from the heart

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Really sensitive post. You captured the feelings so well. I still dream about a lost love years later and I wake up happy for having remembered it.

 

Keep posting. It's good to purge !

[newheart]

Tonight I didn't play my 'sad playlist' on the way home from work, and sang along to some songs on the radio. I came home when it was still daylight out, which was nice. The days are starting to slowly get longer again. I get nervous when I get close to home because there is a stretch of road where we both drive - in opposite directions - on our commutes home, and we have actually passed each other several times (morning too!) over the course of our relationship, which is funny since we don't have "set office hours" yet seem to keep a similar schedule. It will happen one day, but probably when I am no longer expecting it.

 

I read some journalling I had done early on in our relationship, which made me sad. Ugh, it was when I was in the thick of falling in love and he was doing everything 'right' and I was freaking out about how I felt about him. I am scared I will never get this opportunity again, to be honest. But I truly hope I do. Regardless, it was an amazing experience.

 

My daughter and I went to see Beautiful on Broadway a few weeks ago, right before this all happened. Carole King and I, ironically given my birthday break up situation this year, share a birthday, lol. Anyway ... I have the soundtrack on my phone and listen often (which is typical anytime I see a new Broadway show). She wrote the song "Will you still love me tomorrow?" and in the musical, she sings a version, just herself, to the piano which is simply beautiful. There is a line I think of often, "I'd like to know that your love, is love I can be sure of ..." and I need that, too. I've never known, never been sure of his love, I've never felt "safe". I always assumed that it was some flaw of mine, carried over from my childhood. But I am not sure that is the case; perhaps he didn't feel that way or wasn't capable of making me feel reassured for whatever reason, and he just wasn't the one. Maybe I am an insecure person when it comes to love, and maybe I was terrified of love when I felt it with him, but he certainly didn't help to make me feel secure.

 

Had dinner with the kids, spent some time on the elliptical, answered a couple emails. Sad, but overall, not an awful day.

[newheart]

I slept better last night ... I dreamt, but I can't recall them and they didn't disturb my sleep. Am I crazy? That is good, that is what I wanted, but at the same time I think about the day they will cease and I will no longer have anything at all with him. At least now, I have the dreams.

 

I wonder what he is thinking, if he is thinking of me at all. I realize that throughout this relationship, I've never really known what he was thinking. In the very beginning, ironically. Then, the more involved we got, the more he clammed up. Thinking about it, so did I. We were similar in many ways, maybe too many.

 

I read these forums and I read about so many relationships where people professed their love, seemed to be doing everything right, had a future planned and then *BAM* everything has changed. Why is that? How can people be so cruel? This scares the hell out of me, to be honest. How do you continue to pursue love, openly and honestly, and allow yourself to trust, allow yourself to be vulnerable when you know things like this happen so often?

[newheart]

I lay awake from 12:30 - 3 am, furious. Well, it went back and forth between work angst (unrelated) and him. Of course, I thought of different ways I would like to respond to that last text ... I am sure that I will continually re-evaluate how I handled my goodbye until it is somehow a mere passing thought, although it seems hard to believe it ever will be.

 

But for him to say we "think differently about our time and our demands on our time" ... the fact that he even remotely considers me wanting to see him one evening the week of my birthday to spend time with him as a "demand on his time" is extremely telling. If he felt that way, then clearly he didn't care about me the way I thought he did.

 

Of course in the morning light, some of the anger has once again dissipated and I am left with a mild case of despair. It makes no sense, it makes no sense that the week before he didn't see me enough, that he wanted me to come over consecutive evenings, then suddenly Saturday he is angry that he was wedged in between my plans, and by Wednesday he is not even seeing me for my birthday ...

 

It felt so much better to be angry.

[newheart]

Another Friday has arrived, another weekend upon us.

 

I go through this weird thing each day where I think ... 6 weeks ago today it was his birthday and we had a wonderful weekend, 3 weeks ago today everything was good, he bought my birthday gift, called me at work to coordinate a day we could take off together. Then the next day everything suddenly changed ... 2 weeks ago today it was already over. I know one day this will stop ... it has already decreased, I don't do this everyday, but the weekends are hardest. Especially when the kids aren't home, and I sit and think about things (or what I would normally have been doing). I guess I need to get a life.

 

I think about his family often, too. In the last year plus, I have spent more time with his family than any of my own in the last ten years. I have seen his mother in the last sixteen months, more than I've seen my own in probably sixteen years. She listened to me more. She invited me with my children to her home for holidays, whereas my own mother can't be bothered with us for holidays no matter how much I asked. I miss playing games with his family, laughing with his dad and grandfather.

 

Just last month, we all gathered at his brother's house. We sat on his couch watching his nephews play, and he sat next to me rubbing my back affectionately. I have a picture his nephew drew me hanging on a filing cabinet here in my office ... haven't taken it down yet. I suppose I should, but ... I don't know, it just feels like it belongs there. He still drew it for me.

 

Today is a tough day for me. Even walking through the supermarket this morning picking up a couple things before work, little silly things reminded me of him. I am mad at myself for crying right now, I know I deserve better. I know it will get better, and I know I may never understand, but for now I just need time.

 

A closing note from one of my favorite positive blogs (Marc and Angel Hack Life):

 

Today, be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve. Sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand up taller than you ever were before. Sometimes your eyes need to be washed by your tears so you can see the possibilities in front of you with a clearer vision again. Don’t settle.

[newheart]

Halfway through another weekend.

 

I woke up yesterday from a bizarre dream where I was at Disney World with his entire family, but not him. We were still broken up, because I remember at one point worrying if I get separated from the group, I'd have to text him for a phone number. Then last night's dream was much worse ... we were together, in some place with my children, but our relationship was ending. I remember them going to school and I went to work, and he left but never said goodbye. I was struggling to decide if I should text him or call him or ask for us to meet to talk about how things ended, because we didn't really talk. And I guess it just hit home because we didn't talk this time either ... it was like Oh, can we reschedule tonight? / Sure, but tomorrow is my birthday, I'm disappointed. / Oh this again? I need space / This won't work.

 

The dream weighs heavy on me, for some reason. Should I have tried to talk to him, rather than let him off the hook by agreeing with his text? I drive myself crazy going back and forth, trying to figure if I was responsible for this and how it could have been different.

 

Yesterday, though, I faced a lot of demons. I made myself stop at a volunteer event that was located at a park where we launched our kayaks from, in a town where we liked to visit and stroll around, and where we brought his family along with my kids before and had a really nice day. These were all wonderful memories, so it was hard to go there, but I did it. Then I went car shopping, which was a good distraction, but since we drive the same make of vehicle was a reminder, plus I had planned on getting a larger vehicle this time to accommodate members of both families so we didn't have to take two vehicles when doing day trips. Ugh, so stupid. A friend went with me, and seriously, thank goodness for her! But at the end I dropped her off and she invited me in for a glass of wine (and she knew I was going to be alone), and although I knew my other option was to go home and be lonely, I just couldn't do it. I was at my limit of faking happiness, I was going to crack. And she would have been supportive and listened to me cry, but I just needed to be alone and get a good cry in.

 

I have to leave to get the kids shortly ... and the drive takes me past his road (and his house is visible). There is an alternate route I can go which is a little longer, and that is the route I took two weeks ago. At some point though, I can't always go out of my way to avoid driving past his road. I am not sure if I am ready, or if I should just do it and get it over with, or if it will make my trip miserable. I guess I will get in the car and decide from there.

[la74219]

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I am going through something similar so just know you aren't alone.

[newheart]

Today is bad.

 

Well, it started with yesterday being bad. I did as I said, confronted my fears and drove the route I normally would have before XBF. It was worse than I anticipated. Seeing his house, the restaurant/bar we frequented, the place of our first kiss ... it all came down like a ton of bricks, to the point that I went home and cried myself to sleep (in the middle of the day). How embarrassing.

 

Then last night, the dreams ... all night long, he canceled on me again, completely dismissed me, we were breaking up and I was cleaning out my belongings and I saw that he kept a little note where I wrote "I <3 you" ... I woke up from these dreams repeatedly, only to eventually fall back into one. It was exhausting, and I am exhausted.

 

To top it all off, today of all days, I passed him on the way in to work. I knew it would happen eventually as it sometimes did during our relationship, but I actually was running late today - and apparently so was he. FML. So, I held it together until he passed (I didn't look at his face, I looked away and held my head up high with a smile on my face - I probably looked like a total idiot, tbh). I got into my office and lost it. Briefly considered emailing him ... to tell him how he gave me less than I put in, less than I deserved, that I never understood what October really was about if this was a repeat, that he never 'let me in' to know what it was he was ever thinking or expecting of me. I am writing here instead. I shouldn't send that, right?

 

Why do I feel WORSE instead of better? I mean, literally, I was almost okay - relieved - the first week. The second week was a bit more of a roller coaster, but I still had glimmers of hope. Now, I feel like I am devastated. I am constantly re-evaluating what I have said and done, what I could have done differently. I can't take another night of the dreams! They have to stop. I feel like I am losing it a bit, like I will never love again, but like I don't even want to ... is this normal?

[Zahara]

Well, it started with yesterday being bad. I did as I said, confronted my fears and drove the route I normally would have before XBF. It was worse than I anticipated. Seeing his house, the restaurant/bar we frequented, the place of our first kiss ... it all came down like a ton of bricks, to the point that I went home and cried myself to sleep (in the middle of the day). How embarrassing.

 

You're being too hard on yourself and trying to push some sort of acceptance to avoid your pain. It was too soon for you to drive by. There is no need to try and make a point. I had an ex that lived down the street from me. I made it a point to take the longer route. I wasn't doing any favors for myself by trying to prove I could overcome that fear, especially so soon into the ending. This is the time to be gentle and kind to yourself. The day will come when you can better manage something like this and you will know when that day arrives. Don't put yourself in situations that you know will trigger pain. There is no need for that right now. This is the time you focus on your grieving and nursing your wounds. Not gouging at them.

 

Then last night, the dreams ... all night long, he canceled on me again, completely dismissed me, we were breaking up and I was cleaning out my belongings and I saw that he kept a little note where I wrote "I <3 you" ... I woke up from these dreams repeatedly, only to eventually fall back into one. It was exhausting, and I am exhausted.

 

I'm sorry, Newheart. This is just part and parcel of heartbreak. Those dreams are the worse. It's still very fresh and your mind is on a constant loop about your breakup and it's going to manifest in your dreams. I did notice that as I was healing, the dreams were appearing in different form -- I was avoiding him, I was dismissing him, etc. That was a sign that I was detaching. For now, they will come and with full force. You're going to get over this.

 

So, I held it together until he passed (I didn't look at his face, I looked away and held my head up high with a smile on my face - I probably looked like a total idiot, tbh).

 

Why did you think you looked like an idiot? There will be no self-deprecation. You're doing the best you can under difficult circumstances. Again, be kind to yourself. You're in pain. And he knows that too and I am sure he's not even thinking about how "idiotic" you think you looked but more so in his own way reflecting about what's transpired.

 

I got into my office and lost it. Briefly considered emailing him ... to tell him how he gave me less than I put in, less than I deserved, that I never understood what October really was about if this was a repeat, that he never 'let me in' to know what it was he was ever thinking or expecting of me. I am writing here instead. I shouldn't send that, right?

 

No, you do not send him anything. It won't change a thing. You've said quite often that he is conflict avoidant -- what do you think you will gain from sending him that? He will retreat even more and that will cause you more pain.

 

Why do I feel WORSE instead of better? I mean, literally, I was almost okay - relieved - the first week. The second week was a bit more of a roller coaster, but I still had glimmers of hope. Now, I feel like I am devastated. I am constantly re-evaluating what I have said and done, what I could have done differently. I can't take another night of the dreams! They have to stop. I feel like I am losing it a bit, like I will never love again, but like I don't even want to ... is this normal?

 

Grief comes in waves. It gets worse before it gets better. There are days you will be willful and strong, then there are days you'll be a puddle on the floor. It's normal to keep replaying it all in your mind but don't react to it. Feel it, acknowledge it and then let it go.

 

And yes, it is normal to feel like you will never love again. You are going through some level of depression and feelings of hopelessness. You've just suffered a loss, akin to a death of a loved one. You're in a dark and lonely place so it's only natural for you to think the worse. I promise you that one day when the fog has lifted and your heart has healed you will find light in your life again.

 

ps: I'll message you later today.

Edited February 27, 2017 by Zahara

[jenny987]

Newhart your post really struck a chord with me- I am a few weeks further down the road in my breakup, and I was feeling SO many of the same things only a few weeks ago.

 

Couple of things- I agree with the previous poster- let yourself heal and take the long way to work for a few more weeks! I had been broken up a month when I skipped an event that I normally would have been very excited to attend, because I thought there was a very good chance my ex would be there. I went out to dinner with a girlfriend instead, and was so glad. Be gentle with yourself.

 

 

Don't send any emails or texts! My ex, like yours, is conflict avoidant. A few weeks into the breakup I woke up in agony and wrote an emotional text about missing him. 24 hours later I got a very distant, kind (I thought it was condescending, but that's most likely my hurt feelings talking) 1 line one reply. At one month I sent a heart-felt letter pouring out everything, and saying we should at least talk this through, remembering all the special times we had, etc. NO REPLY. It truly does make you feel worse.

 

I am out the door to work, but will write a longer post tonight with what has helped me. I am feeling a lot better than I was a few weeks ago.

 

(hugs)

[nowhereboy]

Today is bad.

 

 

Why do I feel WORSE instead of better? I mean, literally, I was almost okay - relieved - the first week. The second week was a bit more of a roller coaster, but I still had glimmers of hope. Now, I feel like I am devastated. I am constantly re-evaluating what I have said and done, what I could have done differently. I can't take another night of the dreams! They have to stop. I feel like I am losing it a bit, like I will never love again, but like I don't even want to ... is this normal?

 

I know exactly how this feels.

 

I felt a little relief at first, actually for the first two days I felt great lol.

 

I felt confident and strong, almost glad this whole saga was done, I felt like I'd said everything I needed to say and accepted it was hopeless.

 

One week later and I'm a complete mess, depression has got a grip on me, I'm clinging onto hope again and subconsciously plotting ways to get her back.

 

People say to give up hope and accept but the reality is that is not a conscious choice for most people, I will have hope until the day I no longer have hope, I can't just make it happen.

 

Unless she sleeps with someone else at which point hope would be gone and I'd have no choice but to accept.

[newheart]

I know exactly how this feels.

 

I felt a little relief at first, actually for the first two days I felt great lol.

 

I felt confident and strong, almost glad this whole saga was done, I felt like I'd said everything I needed to say and accepted it was hopeless.

 

One week later and I'm a complete mess, depression has got a grip on me, I'm clinging onto hope again and subconsciously plotting ways to get her back.

 

People say to give up hope and accept but the reality is that is not a conscious choice for most people, I will have hope until the day I no longer have hope, I can't just make it happen.

 

Unless she sleeps with someone else at which point hope would be gone and I'd have no choice but to accept.

 

NWB,

 

I am sorry to hear of your pain ... it is nice to know I am not alone or crazy with the direction my "healing" has gone, but I don't like hearing of others in pain. I am truly sorry to hear of your break up.

 

The crazy thing is, I love him so much but I don't have hope because I know that he hasn't treated me as I have deserved. If he came to me tomorrow, as much as it kills me, I know I can't take him back. At best, I occasionally find myself thinking if he got help for his issues, maybe one day down the road we could be together, but I am not stupid and I know that is not going to happen. It is just one of those things I think that sometimes helps me to feel a little better.

 

You are right though, I don't think the way we feel right now is a conscious choice, otherwise it would be simple and none of us would be here. We just need to take it day by day.

 

((Hugs))

[newheart]

Newhart your post really struck a chord with me- I am a few weeks further down the road in my breakup, and I was feeling SO many of the same things only a few weeks ago.

 

Couple of things- I agree with the previous poster- let yourself heal and take the long way to work for a few more weeks! I had been broken up a month when I skipped an event that I normally would have been very excited to attend, because I thought there was a very good chance my ex would be there. I went out to dinner with a girlfriend instead, and was so glad. Be gentle with yourself.

 

 

Don't send any emails or texts! My ex, like yours, is conflict avoidant. A few weeks into the breakup I woke up in agony and wrote an emotional text about missing him. 24 hours later I got a very distant, kind (I thought it was condescending, but that's most likely my hurt feelings talking) 1 line one reply. At one month I sent a heart-felt letter pouring out everything, and saying we should at least talk this through, remembering all the special times we had, etc. NO REPLY. It truly does make you feel worse.

 

I am out the door to work, but will write a longer post tonight with what has helped me. I am feeling a lot better than I was a few weeks ago.

 

(hugs)

 

Thank you, Jenny. I really appreciate it, and will take any advice you have to give!

 

Unfortunately, there is no long way to work - I must commute across a bridge which has only one entry point, which is the intersection we sometimes cross. I knew it would happen one day, but crazy that today I am running late and driving over at a time I don't normally pass, and there he is.

 

I can avoid driving through his small town though, to the best of my ability. I forced myself yesterday - I wanted to be strong, but it was just an absolute nightmare.

 

I did write an email today, but just something I saved in draft, I didn't send it. It isn't asking for a reconciliation or anything like that, more just saying how I felt about what happened over the last week of our relationship and our break up, and how I felt leading up to that, in that I couldn't really talk to him. I know I shouldn't send it. Part of me thinks he doesn't even deserve the satisfaction of knowing I felt he was a d*** to me; part of me thinks that he genuinely is a broken, but not bad person, and I want him to know how hurtful he was. When we didn't speak for a few weeks last fall, he misunderstood every thing that happened and every thing that was said, and I wrote him a letter for my own benefit, to explain the side I never got to present. And when he read it, he knew he was a fool. (And I was glad I did, though I was in a different place that time and open to reconciliation) Part of me thinks it will give that illusive "closure", but I know myself - even though it isn't written looking for a response, I will probably still want one. So this really isn't about closure. I don't know what it is about.

[newheart]

You're being too hard on yourself and trying to push some sort of acceptance to avoid your pain. It was too soon for you to drive by. There is no need to try and make a point. I had an ex that lived down the street from me. I made it a point to take the longer route. I wasn't doing any favors for myself by trying to prove I could overcome that fear, especially so soon into the ending. This is the time to be gentle and kind to yourself. The day will come when you can better manage something like this and you will know when that day arrives. Don't put yourself in situations that you know will trigger pain. There is no need for that right now. This is the time you focus on your grieving and nursing your wounds. Not gouging at them.

 

I'm sorry, Newheart. This is just part and parcel of heartbreak. Those dreams are the worse. It's still very fresh and your mind is on a constant loop about your breakup and it's going to manifest in your dreams. I did notice that as I was healing, the dreams were appearing in different form -- I was avoiding him, I was dismissing him, etc. That was a sign that I was detaching. For now, they will come and with full force. You're going to get over this.

 

Why did you think you looked like an idiot? There will be no self-deprecation. You're doing the best you can under difficult circumstances. Again, be kind to yourself. You're in pain. And he knows that too and I am sure he's not even thinking about how "idiotic" you think you looked but more so in his own way reflecting about what's transpired.

 

No, you do not send him anything. It won't change a thing. You've said quite often that he is conflict avoidant -- what do you think you will gain from sending him that? He will retreat even more and that will cause you more pain.

 

 

 

Grief comes in waves. It gets worse before it gets better. There are days you will be willful and strong, then there are days you'll be a puddle on the floor. It's normal to keep replaying it all in your mind but don't react to it. Feel it, acknowledge it and then let it go.

 

And yes, it is normal to feel like you will never love again. You are going through some level of depression and feelings of hopelessness. You've just suffered a loss, akin to a death of a loved one. You're in a dark and lonely place so it's only natural for you to think the worse. I promise you that one day when the fog has lifted and your heart has healed you will find light in your life again.

 

ps: I'll message you later today.

 

Thanks, Z ... needed this more than you even know. Look forward to chatting later!

[jenny987]

Hey Newheart-

 

I hope your day ended up being better than expected. Here’s a couple of things that helped me in the past few weeks. Maybe 1 or 2 will strike a chord with you!

 

-Figure out who who it is uplfting/better to talk through stuff with. I have lots of friends/family I’ve talked through this with, but after the dust settled, I’ve found that there are two people (my cousin and a girlfriend) with whom it really brings me relief to talk to about it. I don’t feel dumb for bringing it up again, and I honestly don’t talk their ears off (anymore) about it, but they are both very insightful, really, truly listen to what I’m saying and give good, solid advice. So I’ve stopped bringing it up all the time to various friends, but I know that if I’m really suffering, I can talk to these two.

 

-Figure out what makes you feel best socially: My ex is super extroverted, and loves to be out and about with a million plans that he wanted me to join. So, when we were dating, I loved that night or two when we were apart to putter around, surf the net, etc. Now, though I find that too much solitude is really bad for me. But, I’ve also found that all day or really long events are too much. So I try to line up lots of smaller, social things. Meeting a friend or friends for dinner, or a movie, or a drink, or a hike? Good! Scheduling some all day event that includes several activities, meals, changes of venue? Bad!

 

-Arrange you home time to make you feel best: Even when I’m home, I try to line up what I’m going to do. Watching a new series he would have hated (Victoria on PBS), listening to a new mystery series on Audible that he would have had no interest in discussing, etc. Reaching out to old friends with long, chatty emails or phone calls. Taking up a craft/hobby that fell by the wayside when I was with him- for me it’s really intricate cross-stitching. I turn on classical music or my audio book and I’m set. If you’re a reader, read something challenging, or re-read a classic. No more evenings spent with reading endless online articles about commitment phobes or conflict avoiders. Enough.

 

Limit alcohol: It’s very tempting (for me) to have a bunch of drinks when I’m out with friends or to have a glass or 2 of wine when I’m home at night. I’ve realized this makes me feel 1000% times worse the next day. My emotions (especially anxiety) are all over the place and I will feel down for the entire day. So, no more than 1 drink when I’m out with friends, and no drinking at home, at all.

 

-Most important (for me): Summarize the narrative of your relationship into a few sentences. For me it is : (Ex) is a fun, generous person with tons of enthusiasm for life, and we had a lot in common, cared about each other, and had a lot of special times. But living a much younger life-style, including bars, partying, and no long term commitments was more important to him than a future with me. I want someone who could make a long-term commitment to me, and whose values and lifestyle are more in align with mine.” Once you have your “statement”- whenever your start to obsess, or get in circular thinking about the relationship, or going over old fights or even good memories- just repeat your “statement” to yourself. I printed mine out, ha.

 

It’s so so hard, I know. I am mid 40’s and my my ex is 50! It’s like you go through a divorce, and the custody stuff, and date around, and the kids get older and you finally find someone you click with! You fall in love and have so many fun and special times and think - Ok- here is someone I can have a real future with! Only to have it all fall to dust. I can’t even imagine dating again. Just getting my equilibrium back is enough for now. Hang in there, you are not alone in what you are feeling!

[newheart]

Hey Newheart-

 

I hope your day ended up being better than expected. Here’s a couple of things that helped me in the past few weeks. Maybe 1 or 2 will strike a chord with you!

 

-Figure out who who it is uplfting/better to talk through stuff with. I have lots of friends/family I’ve talked through this with, but after the dust settled, I’ve found that there are two people (my cousin and a girlfriend) with whom it really brings me relief to talk to about it. I don’t feel dumb for bringing it up again, and I honestly don’t talk their ears off (anymore) about it, but they are both very insightful, really, truly listen to what I’m saying and give good, solid advice. So I’ve stopped bringing it up all the time to various friends, but I know that if I’m really suffering, I can talk to these two.

 

-Figure out what makes you feel best socially: My ex is super extroverted, and loves to be out and about with a million plans that he wanted me to join. So, when we were dating, I loved that night or two when we were apart to putter around, surf the net, etc. Now, though I find that too much solitude is really bad for me. But, I’ve also found that all day or really long events are too much. So I try to line up lots of smaller, social things. Meeting a friend or friends for dinner, or a movie, or a drink, or a hike? Good! Scheduling some all day event that includes several activities, meals, changes of venue? Bad!

 

-Arrange you home time to make you feel best: Even when I’m home, I try to line up what I’m going to do. Watching a new series he would have hated (Victoria on PBS), listening to a new mystery series on Audible that he would have had no interest in discussing, etc. Reaching out to old friends with long, chatty emails or phone calls. Taking up a craft/hobby that fell by the wayside when I was with him- for me it’s really intricate cross-stitching. I turn on classical music or my audio book and I’m set. If you’re a reader, read something challenging, or re-read a classic. No more evenings spent with reading endless online articles about commitment phobes or conflict avoiders. Enough.

 

Limit alcohol: It’s very tempting (for me) to have a bunch of drinks when I’m out with friends or to have a glass or 2 of wine when I’m home at night. I’ve realized this makes me feel 1000% times worse the next day. My emotions (especially anxiety) are all over the place and I will feel down for the entire day. So, no more than 1 drink when I’m out with friends, and no drinking at home, at all.

 

-Most important (for me): Summarize the narrative of your relationship into a few sentences. For me it is : (Ex) is a fun, generous person with tons of enthusiasm for life, and we had a lot in common, cared about each other, and had a lot of special times. But living a much younger life-style, including bars, partying, and no long term commitments was more important to him than a future with me. I want someone who could make a long-term commitment to me, and whose values and lifestyle are more in align with mine.” Once you have your “statement”- whenever your start to obsess, or get in circular thinking about the relationship, or going over old fights or even good memories- just repeat your “statement” to yourself. I printed mine out, ha.

 

It’s so so hard, I know. I am mid 40’s and my my ex is 50! It’s like you go through a divorce, and the custody stuff, and date around, and the kids get older and you finally find someone you click with! You fall in love and have so many fun and special times and think - Ok- here is someone I can have a real future with! Only to have it all fall to dust. I can’t even imagine dating again. Just getting my equilibrium back is enough for now. Hang in there, you are not alone in what you are feeling!

 

Jenny,

 

This is awesome advice - THANK YOU! I've read through this post a few times this morning and have been thinking about it. I still have not yet figured how t do the 'multi quote' thing (what the heck? maybe it's my browser) but I am going to work on your suggestions and post here.

 

I absolutely LOVE the idea of making my own mission statement! I am going to think about it, type it up and hang it somewhere to remind myself. Will be back later with it ... again, thank you!

[newheart]

I have taken an OTC sleep aid the last two nights (I know, not the best habit to start) but it really has been helping me sleep without the dreams, or I should say, without remembering the dreams. I know the dreams are still happening because I very briefly wake up, but I fall back asleep and I don't remember them, lol.

 

Last night I was laying in bed thinking of something my daughter had said to me the first night she met XBF. I waited six months before introducing him to my younger two. We went out to dinner, and afterwards, my daughter said to me that she knows I didn't see this, but that she was watching him look at me and you could just see how much he loved me, he looked at me with such love. I was shocked that she made that observation, such a sweet thing for her to say. I was happy, also, because I haven't been in a relationship where I role modeled what a loving relationship should be. And now look.

 

I wonder if anyone will look at me that way again, or rather, anyone who I feel that way about will look at me that way again.

 

It's a new month. Time to put February behind me.

[jenny987]

 

Last night I was laying in bed thinking of something my daughter had said to me the first night she met XBF. I waited six months before introducing him to my younger two. We went out to dinner, and afterwards, my daughter said to me that she knows I didn't see this, but that she was watching him look at me and you could just see how much he loved me, he looked at me with such love. I was shocked that she made that observation, such a sweet thing for her to say. I was happy, also, because I haven't been in a relationship where I role modeled what a loving relationship should be. And now look.

 

 

Hi Newheart-

 

Wow, that must have been hard, re-living the memory of that conversation with your daughter. Ugh. I am still at the place where I ruthlessly push all happy memories away. It hurts too much. A few weeks ago a friend of mine (he lives far away and we mostly communicate via text) was in town for dinner and I was telling him the breakup story. I was lamenting, in general terms, how great everything had been, etc.

 

Later that night he texted me and told me to go and read some of our texts from a year ago, 9 months ago, 6 months ago. I did, and it was pretty eye-opening. I had been stressed about certain things in my ex's and I's relationship throughout the entire history of it. His inability to plan as far ahead as even the next weekend, his "younger" lifestyle, how he sometimes seemed "out of sight, out of mind" in his relating to me. It was weird reading those things, because in the aftermath of the break-up, everything was perfect and wonderful, and now it was over.

 

But for, it was helpful to see that those same issues that I had complained about to my friend throughout the relationship were the ones that ended it. They never went away.

 

When I look at your older posts, I see the same pattern. The communication, etc. with your ex.

 

I know it's a cold comfort when you are just missing him, and the love, and the companionship. But it did help me, a bit, to realize there had been problems the whole time.

 

 

I wonder if anyone will look at me that way again, or rather, anyone who I feel that way about will look at me that way again.

 

 

This is a huge stumbling block for me. I was single, some casual dating here and there, for a long stretch before I met my ex. I'm actually pretty independent, and pretty content being single. So, meeting someone like my ex- with so much in common, who was so fun and sweet, and who seemed to love me SO much- well, I do wonder if I will find that again. Sigh. No advice on that front, I'm afraid.

 

I just found out that my younger son, who is still in college, got accepted into a really competitive summer program. So instead of having him home for the entire summer, it will be a couple of weeks at the beginning and at the end. Last summer with my ex was amazing- we traveled, camped, hung out on the deck and grilled, just a lot of wonderful times. My younger son was home for the summer and really enjoyed hanging out with the ex, too. I'm really going to buckle down over the next week or 2 and figure out what I can do to still have a good summer. Time for some brand new activities, I think.

 

Hang in there.