A place for me to write

[newheart]

Also I have to add, what I had with him was magically. I've never had such a connection with a man in my life not even with my ex husband. I thought I wasn't a kisser until I kissed this man. We were always making out. We were so affectionate with each other. I'm so afraid that at 50yrs old I will never find this passion again. The thought is unbearable!

 

I am so sorry, Chabela. I can relate to this ... the first couple of months, I truly believed I had experienced something with him that I will never find again, particularly because it took me 'so long to find'. It was very painful. I know it seems unbelievable right now, but that will change, you will start to see some things with clarity, and will stop viewing the relationship with rose colored glasses. You will realize that it is possible that you will find something more with someone who does not do the hot and cold, push and pull thing with you.

 

How sad that he lost his parents at such a young age, and how traumatic. Undoubtedly, this has impacted his inability to sustain a relationship in his adult life. It is very sad, and I can certainly relate to the feelings that result from being with someone with a traumatic childhood: you feel their pain, you use this to explain (or rationalize) his behavior, you accept less than you deserve because his actions are rooted in fear of abandonment or something else, that isn't you. Briefly, you might even think you will be different - you will be the one who will remain there for him, whose love will shine through and change things.

 

But the thing is, you can't. Because whatever the reason for his repetitive withdrawal from your relationship is, if it is related to issues, it is his problem to fix, no one else's. Or perhaps it is not that at all, and he has decided you aren't a match - then you still deserve better. Regardless of the reason, you deserve better.

 

The back and forth must be torture for you. Be kind to yourself. I am not sure if you are officially broken up or not and if not, only you can decide what is best for you, but do you really want to continue to walk on eggshells, worried about the next time he will need space or be bored with you? ((((hugs))))

[newheart]

How are you doing Newheart?

 

So kind of you to check in on me!

 

It's interesting, I was actually coming here to vent/whine ... and saw Chabela's post which oddly, in hearing her pain, put some things back into perspective for me. (Sorry Chabela, I am in no way happy to hear of your pain, that is not at all what I mean and hopefully it makes sense ... I just realized that I am glad to not be in that situation - one day you will feel that way too).

 

I am okay ... joined OLD again a little over a month ago or whenever it was. Almost immediately dated a guy I really clicked with who was a lot of fun, great company for short term dating, who on our 4th date told me about his drug use history (though I suspect it wasn't "history") and ghosted me. I know it was for the best and knew he wasn't LTR material anyway, but it still eats at me that someone can text/call every day, make plans, and then 24 hours later you never hear from them again. I feel old ... maybe I am old ... but I would never do that to anyone. I had another date with someone who was very, very interested in me and I didn't feel the same, and I was up front and honest with him about that. He appreciated it. What happened to respect and communication like that?

 

It has only been a couple weeks since that has happened but I am feeling very ... meh. My ex is on the same site as me, and the first 24 hours he viewed me no less than 9 times, I kept getting notifications. It abruptly stopped (or he paid for private mode, lol), but then his best friend viewed me twice this week. I don't know, it was strange. He's not stupid and must have realized I could see him, but OTOH he is way too stubborn and proud to intentionally do that. Oh well, doesn't matter. So not much going on in the dating world.

 

I feel like being back on OLD has sucked me into some kind of existence where I am constantly reminded I am not good enough, or that there isn't anyone out there who interests me.

 

I think I need to make a summer goal to work on something personal of importance to me. The kids school year is ending, and I think I am going to work on planning a fun trip for us, plus some day trips/hiking. Things I truly enjoy.

[BG1]

Going back to online dating can be tricky as I can become a source of external validation that we may crave when we are dumped and low. It's good you are reminding yourself to focus on you and do your thing, a personal project for the summer sounds good.

 

In the meantime, yeah if you are up to meet people knowing that they are not LDR material, enjoy it. Just make sure it doesn't undermine you when you met these guys that ghost or don't answer, etc..

 

Day by day we will get there.

Edited June 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Deleted quote of entire previous post. ~JC

[newheart]

Hi there,

 

I am so sorry to hear this. It will take some time and space to heal from this. You may want to create a new, separate thread so you can seek support as you do this. This is a great group! Hugs!

Edited June 5, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Deleted quote of entire previous post. ~JC

[newheart]

Well, this is weird. I never really expected this, knowing how stubborn he is, and almost four months has gone by.

 

Last night, he liked one of my photos on the dating site/app we are both on. He then messaged me (again through the dating site) making a joke about stalking him, and that I checked out his profile. (This is BS, this was an excuse in my mind as I did no such thing and obviously he was looking at my profile, hence the photo like). I should have left it alone and ignored it, but I didn't. I told him that I have not ever looked at his profile, then he went on to say he was just kidding, but I did come up in his 'viewed me' and maybe I clicked it by accident, it was easy to do, etc. etc. I asked him if he "accidentally" liked my photo, and he said he didn't, and then proceeded to like all my photos, then told me he was helping get my rating up. I asked if he wanted to write a reference, too ... and he wrote a 'review' of silly things (which, damn him, was pretty hysterical and accurate). We exchanged a couple messages about his best friend who was also on the site, and that was it. He sent the last message, I didn't reply, it didn't warrant one.

 

I think he was drinking ... it was out of character for him to reach out, and Sunday nights he used to like to "get ready for the week" by having a couple cocktails. While we were dating, he always told me how he never remains friendly with exes, and wouldn't even acknowledge them if he ran into them while out (which I find odd, but whatever) so it isn't like he is at the point that he wants to be friends. It was also late for him - he is an early riser, is usually asleep well before the time he messaged me. I don't know what he was thinking or why, but I know it doesn't matter.

 

I had a little trouble falling asleep after this, then had a dream with him in it (nothing romantic though). I am doing okay, I am not heartbroken. But oddly enough, the couple stupid things he wrote in the 'review' made me sort of sad ... little things I never knew he noticed about me.

[1fish2fish]

Oh, honey, I bet this completely unnerved you, especially the part about his review.

 

Good for you for turning it around and asking if he "accidentally" liked one of your pictures. What a lame reason he gave, too. lol

 

This is but a minor speedbump on the road of healing. You've been here before, you know what to do and you know you'll get past it and be stronger on the other side.

 

As an aside, I am so tired of men trying to communicate while drinking. It is such a turnoff!

[airborne3502]

I should have left it alone and ignored it, but I didn't.

 

No worries.

 

It would have made you look all kinds of butthurt, and this cemented the win:

 

He sent the last message, I didn't reply, it didn't warrant one.

 

I hope you are doing OK, and that the contact didn't get under your skin too much.

 

It's the one thing us dumpees don't adequately prepare ourselves for...

[jenny987]

Hi Newheart—

 

I was just popping in to see if you still updated this thread and saw that your ex contacted you. Whoa, I bet you felt weird. Do you regret engaging with him? I agree with one of the previous posters- this is just a tiny speed bump. You’ve come so far in the last few months, but I totally understand how unsettled you must feel. And after these months, and all the heartache you plowed through…to communicate through a dating app? By “likes” and then a teasing message? Ugh.

 

I ran into a friend of my ex’s the other day. Her and her husband are very nice, and very social, and I attended several parties at their house with my ex. It was my first time running into any of his friends (haven’t seen him at all, thank God). We chatted briefly- she never brought up my ex, so I assume she knows we broke up. Later that day she sent me a friend request on FB, ugh. I feel badly, but I am ignoring it. I just don’t want any reminders of him, at all.

 

I feel like I need to dip my toe into online dating, but I am really hesitant. I’d so much prefer to meet someone in real life, but it hasn’t happened, and I do feel like I need to officially move on and date a bit.

 

So crazy to think where we both were a few months ago. There’s nothing like time to heal wounds, seriously.

[newheart]

Thank you, all! So nice to have the continued support, although I haven't been active here much lately!

 

No worries.

 

It would have made you look all kinds of butthurt, and this cemented the win:

 

I hope you are doing OK, and that the contact didn't get under your skin too much.

 

It's the one thing us dumpees don't adequately prepare ourselves for...

 

Thanks, Airborne ... it did, a little, I will be honest ... his "review" which included things like my love for animals and the way I always chose the 'short' shopping cart, but fill it to overflowing got to me a bit. It sounds silly, but ... I don't know. It is just all so weird, I truly would have bet money I'd never hear from him again, so I thought that this was the one good thing about how non-confrontational and cowardly he was, I didn't think I had anything to prepare for.

 

So this this morning, he came up as a new view to my profile, again.

 

I am not a conceited person, I am not arrogant by any means ... but I suspect he realizes that he isn't going to so easily replace me. His loss.

[newheart]

Hi Newheart—

 

I was just popping in to see if you still updated this thread and saw that your ex contacted you. Whoa, I bet you felt weird. Do you regret engaging with him? I agree with one of the previous posters- this is just a tiny speed bump. You’ve come so far in the last few months, but I totally understand how unsettled you must feel. And after these months, and all the heartache you plowed through…to communicate through a dating app? By “likes” and then a teasing message? Ugh.

 

I ran into a friend of my ex’s the other day. Her and her husband are very nice, and very social, and I attended several parties at their house with my ex. It was my first time running into any of his friends (haven’t seen him at all, thank God). We chatted briefly- she never brought up my ex, so I assume she knows we broke up. Later that day she sent me a friend request on FB, ugh. I feel badly, but I am ignoring it. I just don’t want any reminders of him, at all.

 

I feel like I need to dip my toe into online dating, but I am really hesitant. I’d so much prefer to meet someone in real life, but it hasn’t happened, and I do feel like I need to officially move on and date a bit.

 

So crazy to think where we both were a few months ago. There’s nothing like time to heal wounds, seriously.

 

Jenny!!!! So nice to hear from you! Ironic that you log in today, when THIS happens, after all these months, lol!

 

I understand the hesitancy to OLD, but honestly, I feel like I'd NEVER date (between work and kids!) if I didn't have OLD. Which kind of sucks, because ... well, it has it's challenges! But overall, I say go for it, give it a shot!

 

Just try to find a site that your ex is NOT on lol

[newheart]

Oh, honey, I bet this completely unnerved you, especially the part about his review.

 

Good for you for turning it around and asking if he "accidentally" liked one of your pictures. What a lame reason he gave, too. lol

 

This is but a minor speedbump on the road of healing. You've been here before, you know what to do and you know you'll get past it and be stronger on the other side.

 

As an aside, I am so tired of men trying to communicate while drinking. It is such a turnoff!

 

It WAS lame, right!? Thank you, 1F2F ... I know I will make it through ... It briefly made me sad for what we could have had. But we didn't have it, that's the thing, and I have to keep remembering how he fell short, and that there is someone out there who won't, and who will make me a priority. And won't engage in this babyish, passive aggressive communication!

[Kellens]

Hi Newheart,

 

I've been keeping up with your thread as well (I feel like a stalker!) and I was so happy to read that you were doing so much better and then I read that your ex contacted you.

 

It's so annoying that you can be so heartbroken over someone after giving them your all and then you get a message from them on a dating website being all jokey.. I commend you for handling it so great. He obviously is realizing what he lost now. His contacting you shows his arrogance in my opinion.

 

I hope you are doing ok, you seem like such a nice, caring person, you will find someone who appreciates your great qualities one day.

[newheart]

Hi Newheart,

 

I've been keeping up with your thread as well (I feel like a stalker!) and I was so happy to read that you were doing so much better and then I read that your ex contacted you.

 

It's so annoying that you can be so heartbroken over someone after giving them your all and then you get a message from them on a dating website being all jokey.. I commend you for handling it so great. He obviously is realizing what he lost now. His contacting you shows his arrogance in my opinion.

 

I hope you are doing ok, you seem like such a nice, caring person, you will find someone who appreciates your great qualities one day.

 

That is super sweet, Kellens! Thank you!

 

He viewed me again the next day, but not since then and no contact since then ... I really think he was drinking and had a weak moment. I admit, it set me back a couple days, just made me think about things a bit and that I wish it could have been different. But it isn't different, he has not changed and will not ... so it is what it is!

 

That said - I have a potential date Saturday. I am trying to just enjoy myself in the process, and am in no rush to settle into another relationship. OLD is kind of overwhelming though!

[Kellens]

I'm glad that he hasn't contacted you again, I know it messes with your head and your heart, it's not fair.

 

I'm excited about your potential date! Online dating is such a crazy experience. I enjoyed it most of the time but there sure was a lot of disappointment. I either felt super beautiful or not good enough but it was never really boring. I really liked meeting people that I otherwise never would have came into contact with, I like hearing peoples stories and how different we all are. Anyway, I wish you luck with your potential date this weekend, I'm glad that you're getting out there and trying to have a good time

[newheart]

Update: date, ex, etc.

 

Had a lunch date Saturday, which ended up being 4.5 hours. Honestly, I liked him more than I thought I would - much more attractive in person, great personality, funny, good conversation. He asked me on a second date, so I will see him again next weekend. He was complimentary, held my hand a little bit, hug goodbye. He's kept in touch via text consistently since.

 

I over-analyze (a lot!) so I will try not to do that, but my past relationships, and this most recent one in particularly, unfortunately does add fuel to that. I am trying to find a balance between just enjoying myself and not over thinking (and over complicating!) things, versus being mindful of mistakes I don't want to repeat. I think about when I was first dating XBF, and what red flags, if any, could have predicted his issues, and I can't really think of many other than he was not very texty-communicative. I remember early on, I texted him one evening to see how his day was, and he responded that he was wondering if he would hear from me, and was glad he did. I thought that was odd - instead of wondering, if he wanted to talk to me, why not just pick up the phone? Anyway ...

 

Saturday night, I went and met a friend for drinks and to catch up. I got home about 10:30, 11 pm. Had a couple of messages on OLD, looked and saw that XBF viewed my profile again, Saturday night. I don't know why, what it means, if it means anything at all, and I know it doesn't matter. I know he isn't right for me, he isn't good for me.

[airborne3502]

Update: date, ex, etc.

 

Had a lunch date Saturday, which ended up being 4.5 hours. Honestly, I liked him more than I thought I would - much more attractive in person, great personality, funny, good conversation. He asked me on a second date, so I will see him again next weekend. He was complimentary, held my hand a little bit, hug goodbye. He's kept in touch via text consistently since.

 

I over-analyze (a lot!) so I will try not to do that, but my past relationships, and this most recent one in particularly, unfortunately does add fuel to that. I am trying to find a balance between just enjoying myself and not over thinking (and over complicating!) things, versus being mindful of mistakes I don't want to repeat. I think about when I was first dating XBF, and what red flags, if any, could have predicted his issues, and I can't really think of many other than he was not very texty-communicative. I remember early on, I texted him one evening to see how his day was, and he responded that he was wondering if he would hear from me, and was glad he did. I thought that was odd - instead of wondering, if he wanted to talk to me, why not just pick up the phone? Anyway ...

 

Saturday night, I went and met a friend for drinks and to catch up. I got home about 10:30, 11 pm. Had a couple of messages on OLD, looked and saw that XBF viewed my profile again, Saturday night. I don't know why, what it means, if it means anything at all, and I know it doesn't matter. I know he isn't right for me, he isn't good for me.

 

 

 

Your ex-boyfriend just checked out your online dating profile again, saw that you're active, and you're dating someone new that you like - nice.

 

There's no telling what the future holds, but I couldn't have written a better "right now" for you.

[newheart]

Your ex-boyfriend just checked out your online dating profile again, saw that you're active, and you're dating someone new that you like - nice.

 

There's no telling what the future holds, but I couldn't have written a better "right now" for you.

 

Thanks, airborne!

 

I have to be honest - in my head, next time I caught him creeping on my profile, I was going to call him out on it. But really, what would that do? Open up the lines of communication for more disappointment, while achieving nothing at all. So, I just left it alone!

[jenny987]

So crazy that your ex is still creeping your profile. I mean, he's got to be doing it to get your attention, right? I wonder if he is trying to goad you into reaching out? Do you feel slightly "better" knowing that he wasn't able to just walk away and forget all about you? Or at this point, is it just an annoyance?

 

I have to admit, the fact that my ex was able to walk away, never look back, and never contact does still hurt sometimes. But after my birthday passed recently and I didn't hear a peep, I have really really realized I'll never hear from him again. Probably for the best. Sigh.

 

Your date sounded great! I'm excited for you! OK, your experience has convinced me, I need to join an online dating site this week, lol. I did eHarmony years ago and wasn't that thrilled with it. Where are the middle aged people hanging out online?

[newheart]

So crazy that your ex is still creeping your profile. I mean, he's got to be doing it to get your attention, right? I wonder if he is trying to goad you into reaching out? Do you feel slightly "better" knowing that he wasn't able to just walk away and forget all about you? Or at this point, is it just an annoyance?

 

I have to admit, the fact that my ex was able to walk away, never look back, and never contact does still hurt sometimes. But after my birthday passed recently and I didn't hear a peep, I have really really realized I'll never hear from him again. Probably for the best. Sigh.

 

Hi Jenny! It is probably wrong for me to feel this way, but I do feel slightly better that he is still looking - probably all in my head and it doesn't matter, but I think he likely realizes he screwed up. I also think I dealt with the intense pain and heartbreak early on when he was able to just dismiss me, and now the tables may have turned a bit. That all said, I do realize that at the point I am 100% healed, this will likely be an annoyance, and the fact that I gain some satisfaction from his stalking is probably a sign I am not quite there yet? So, I get why it feels hurtful that someone would walk away and never look back. (And, I fully expected that) But I don't always think it is indicative that the person didn't have any pain or remorse, especially when they are non-confrontational, non-communicators like our exes - it only reaffirms why we deserve to be with someone else, if that makes sense. So, chin up!

 

Your date sounded great! I'm excited for you! OK, your experience has convinced me, I need to join an online dating site this week, lol. I did eHarmony years ago and wasn't that thrilled with it. Where are the middle aged people hanging out online?

 

I am on both Match and OKCupid. I feel strongly that these sites vary by your geographic area too. I did eHarmony last go round and had ZERO matches, ever. In general though, my experience is I get contacted by more married men / creepers on OKC because of the "free" component. On Match, I do feel like since people have to sign up for a subscription to make contact, people are a little more serious and looking for relationships. I've also noticed, though, that I have a lot of just 'separated' men contacting me (which is a no for me). Oddly enough, the 3 men I've met int he last month and a half are all from OKC. I find the questions/profiles entertaining there, too. You could always give that a whirl without signing up and paying for anything, and go from there! I have no experience with others, thought I hear Bumble is interesting.

[newheart]

Hi everyone! Another update ...

 

XBF messaged me again via the dating app last week, then texted me as a follow up (and again the next day). He was mostly joking about online dating, asked how the kids are, how golf was going, added that he would probably be hanging out at home alone that night as his golf night was cancelled, and also made a joke about visitation of his dogs. I didn't bite, obviously. And, it was all okay. It wasn't crushing or depressing and didn't make me miss him.

 

I had date #3 (probably plays into why I am so okay with XBF, but whatever works!) with new guy last night, which was great. I have plans to see him Saturday again. Not sure where this will go, but just trying to enjoy myself. I am still active on the dating sites, though honestly not logging in/messaging people back. I am not a good multi-dater, lol. I am just trying to enjoy what is, but I can't help but catch myself scanning for red flags, particularly those that I might have missed with XBF. It does kind of concern me that he is another man with no kids, no experience with kids, and I wonder how that will go ... we will see.

 

Hugs to you all! Hang in there!

[newheart]

7 months.

 

I am not hear to post an upbeat, positive update - for those still struggling, you may want to skip this one. I am here to just write. I don't know where to start.

 

I had dinner with a nice man Saturday night. It was a second date ... a date I agreed to it despite not finding any spark with him the first date, because he is a nice guy and I wanted to give it a fair chance. He is a teacher, he is a responsible single dad, he is complimentary, enjoys my company, seems normal. As it got closer to the evening of the second date, I was dreading it. He was so excited. I felt so terrible.

 

I sat across from my date at dinner, and my mind kept wandering ... I just kept thinking, he isn't XBF. Literally, of course, and figuratively. We went for a drink afterwards, at a restaurant XBF and I went to with my son, almost exactly a year ago. I thought about that, keeping up with the conversation until I felt that I had given enough time without it being obvious that my heart just wasn't in it ... wiggled my way out of a goodbye kiss, and put off making plans for a 3rd date.

 

And all the while, I keep having this happen. I go on dates, the guys are nice, but they aren't him. I am not excited to meet people. They don't make me laugh like he did, the conversation isn't easy like with him. I compare every part of meeting a new man to him - how he asked me, his sense of humor, how I felt getting ready for dates, how he'd make sure I was warm or comfortable.

 

In between, I spend my time sitting in my backyard looking at the quaking aspens that were the same trees on our camping trip a year ago, that we loved. I have a better time reminiscing, looking at the trees, than I do with people. I hike a lot, go on walks, and I am always thinking about how lucky I was to have had him for the brief time I did. It is pathetic. This weekend, I was organizing my purses and in cleaning out some of them, I found a card I wrote him last year and never gave him. I curse myself for being such a chicken**** when it comes to love. Not that it would have changed the outcome ... but I wish he would have known what he meant to me, while he still meant it.

 

I took my profiles down, no one looks remotely appealing. I am regressing. I think I did better around the 3 or 4 month mark than I am right now ... is that normal? Last night I dreamt I was laying on the floor with one of his dogs, who was sort of hugging me, his leg/paw draped around my side. I made a joke about how much he missed me. I noticed XBF was wearing an Atlanta Braves jersey and hat, which is weird, because he is a Cubs fanatic.

 

In the seven months, I have never initiated contact with him. I am proud of that, although it demonstrates that I too can be stubborn to a fault. I know though, that in this situation, this is a positive. Anyway, that said, he has continued to reach out a couple times - maybe 3 - since I've last written (via Match or text). To check on me, he says. To see how online dating is going. He has twice commented that he'll always be here for me. I don't know why. We aren't friends. He doesn't ever stay friends with exes, and I know (especially now) that I can't be his friend.

 

I love him, whether or not I should.

 

Last night, I go for my evening walk, then I am sitting in the backyard thinking of him. And a text arrives, starting along the lines of ... "I feel like I am always bothering you, but how are you?" and after some idle chit chat, he asks me if I hate when he texts me ... I didn't know what to say. (I was taken aback by the word hate, I felt that was odd) The truth is - when he texts/messages me, I am afraid to open it because it might be the last time I see that notification. I spend an hour worrying/wondering what he wants, and I hesitate to open it because then whatever I have imagined it is about changes to reality, and I need to acknowledge or reply (or ignore). The truth is, I do hate when he texts me - my cheeks get flushed, my heart pounds, I get slightly nauseated. Because I love him, and I need to move on. The truth is, I want to say to him - what the hell do you want from me? We aren't together, and we aren't friends. What is it that you want? But I won't do that ...

 

I was taken aback by him asking me that ... I just replied, "No, do you hate when I text back?" kind of saying it tongue in cheek ... it was such a weird thing to ask. He replied that I only ever respond to him, which is why he asked. (This is true, I never contact him, but why would I?) Is he looking for me to initiate? I don't understand. There was a little bit of dialogue, but I couldn't say what was really on my mind, and text is so tricky.

 

My heart heavy, I tell him that hate is a harsh word, but that I would never associate any hate with him. And that was the end of our conversation.

 

Despite everything, that is certainly the truth. The few times we've texted, we've actually joked and I make jabs at him and we laugh. It isn't emotional, but last night seemed different. Maybe it is just me. I don't know if I will hear from him again ... I actually feel like I won't.

[Marc878]

The only one that can keep you in the limbo you're currently in is you.

 

All his bresdcrumbs are doing is keeping you from moving on with your life.

 

Is that enough for you?

[BG1]

I'm sorry you are going thru pain after 7 months (my 7 months will be next week so we have similar times). Reading thru it's understandable that you still miss him and that the healing process is not linear.

 

You mention that you felt better by month 3 and 4. What was different during that time that helped you? Where you more proactive with your own things? More exercising? Is all the dating harming you? If so it's best to not see anyone for bit longer.

 

Sounds like you still have him on a pedestal in some ways, not that you should remind him with negative thoughts but also bear in mind that things didn't work for different reasons and that actions speak louder than words. Try to do more things you enjoy and if you still have reminders of him, put them away.

 

7 months is not a lot of time to heal after a heartbreak so give yourself credit for being able to have NC for a long period of time. You will get there, probably not by meeting someone new but coming from within you.

[newheart]

I'm sorry you are going thru pain after 7 months (my 7 months will be next week so we have similar times). Reading thru it's understandable that you still miss him and that the healing process is not linear.

 

You mention that you felt better by month 3 and 4. What was different during that time that helped you? Where you more proactive with your own things? More exercising? Is all the dating harming you? If so it's best to not see anyone for bit longer.

 

Sounds like you still have him on a pedestal in some ways, not that you should remind him with negative thoughts but also bear in mind that things didn't work for different reasons and that actions speak louder than words. Try to do more things you enjoy and if you still have reminders of him, put them away.

 

7 months is not a lot of time to heal after a heartbreak so give yourself credit for being able to have NC for a long period of time. You will get there, probably not by meeting someone new but coming from within you.

 

Thank you. All good points and questions.

 

I don't know what I was doing differently at 3 or 4 months in ... I know (and I know this is a long thread) all throughout, I kind of came to terms with the fact that I am not sure I will feel that way again about anyone. And I know people always say that during a break up, but I also know it wasn't until my 39th year on earth that I truly loved ... not my XH, not my ex-fiancee after XH ... not the way I loved XBF. And maybe I will find someone that I will love again, differently perhaps. But there are times I don't think so, at all. Some days I am okay with that and I look upon what I had as a blessing, as fortunate that I even had the ability to experience that, and some days I am devastated at the thought of having that so briefly in my life, and I wonder why I am not worthy of it.

 

I don't think the dating was helping. At first it was fun, maybe it was just a distraction. Then it just turned into a reminder that I am not going to just replicate what I had with someone new. (I also had a brief scary stalker type situation, sigh) I am taking a break, my profiles are down. I just joined a gym, so there is that ...

[BG1]

Thank you. All good points and questions.

 

I don't know what I was doing differently at 3 or 4 months in ... I know (and I know this is a long thread) all throughout, I kind of came to terms with the fact that I am not sure I will feel that way again about anyone. And I know people always say that during a break up, but I also know it wasn't until my 39th year on earth that I truly loved ... not my XH, not my ex-fiancee after XH ... not the way I loved XBF. And maybe I will find someone that I will love again, differently perhaps. But there are times I don't think so, at all. Some days I am okay with that and I look upon what I had as a blessing, as fortunate that I even had the ability to experience that, and some days I am devastated at the thought of having that so briefly in my life, and I wonder why I am not worthy of it.

 

I don't think the dating was helping. At first it was fun, maybe it was just a distraction. Then it just turned into a reminder that I am not going to just replicate what I had with someone new. (I also had a brief scary stalker type situation, sigh) I am taking a break, my profiles are down. I just joined a gym, so there is that ...

 

The gym and staying away from social media is something good. Keep it up.

 

By reading you I would say that you are on right track, I mean, the more you love yourself the more you can love someone and be loved. You are realising that you discovered loved later and after marriage, but I would be positive because if you find o you are found by someone who is right for you, your love for this person would be even greater.

 

Have you done the exercise of putting down your ex from the pedestal? It took me 4 months for me to sit down and write the things I didn't like about her, and remind myself that things were not that great, especially when things were not going well. It's very hard because moving on and acceptance, means also to interiorise that we were wrong, that the person we thought like our partner for life wasn't really that person.

 

It's true that you won't love someone the same way as you did love your ex Susan Elliot said: "There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice"

 

In my case, after my first love (I was 25) I thought I wouldn't find someone I could love as much or someone who loved me more. Then my last ex-came around in the less expected way... a swipe. She is the person I loved the most and her loved for me was even greater than my previous and first love.

Now, I don't think much in that terms, but like I want someone who loves me but most importantly commits and loves me the way I want to be love.