A place for me to write

[newheart]

I have a confession.

 

I relapsed on Sunday. Please, please be gentle.

 

He asked to talk. I went. I spent six hours on a park bench with him talking. It might have been the stupidest thing I have ever done, it might not be. But I got an opportunity to say things to him after the fact that I never thought I would. Even if it was a mistake, I have to say, I am so proud for saying the things I did. I opened up in a way I never did, but maybe should have, during our relationship. If nothing else, I feel good that I got that opportunity.

 

An extreme cliff notes version ... he repeatedly said I didn't do anything wrong, he acted irrationally, he didn't know how else to explain it, he had no defense. Some of the things he said: He had no excuse for how he mishandled things, he had wanted to see me more, then he didn't know how to approach it and settled into a routine based on my availability without discussing it, and he was was passive aggressive, instead. (again) He was stressed out about work, while he said it is no means an excuse. He stated it hasn't been easy for him either. He wanted to call me the week after this happened, but he didn't think it would be fair to me. He wanted to say this to me all summer, but he knew I was dating again and thought it wouldn't be fair. When he saw I was still single, he thought it would be stupid to not at least try to talk. He still loves me. We had a good relationship, he wanted to see if we could get back to that eventually. There was talk of how he'd try to change. He came to talk to me with no expectations, he was shocked I even agreed to talk, he didn't deserve that. He wouldn't blame me if I walked away.

 

I didn't walk away.

 

He said he knew we couldn't pick up where we left off, it wouldn't be healthy or good to do so, but asked if could talk and see what happens from there. He asked if we could have dinner sometime. I spent six hours talking to him and not giving any indication that I was going to see him again, but when it came down to it, I said yes. We said goodbye, hugged, I gave him a kiss on the cheek. He said I'll talk to you during the week. And, there it is.

 

Sigh.

[Kellens]

Oh Newheart, it happens to the best of us. Maybe he can change but it's hard to believe with someone his age. Do you know if he dated during this time that you guys were apart? Perhaps he saw there wasn't much out there that appealed to him and he realized what he gave up on..

 

I do wish the best for you, just try to be prepared mentally and emotionally for wherever this ride takes you. I won't tell you that you're making a mistake because I know how hard it is to give up on someone that you cared for so deeply. Just be careful and post here if you're feeling overwhelmed.

[Kevinbone69]

I wish you love in the future, it was hard reading your post for me as I'm in

thought about ending things as I'm not fulfilled in my marriage and have not been for many years. It's not enough to love someone alone for the person they are, as humans we need passion, and physical attraction, which has lacked for some time now. And the result has left me looking at other women and dreaming of what it would be like to have all that again, sometimes I feel like maybe I don't deserve it, or I'm not attractive anymore. It plays with my confidence and leaves me questioning why things have come to this. I know I'd miss her a lot but I also can't live my life without sex and the hunger for one another when we see one another...that's been gone a long time now, it's like we've become, best of friends. It's gonna be a hard decision to move on, once you go forward you can't go back. We barely have anything interesting that talk about when we're with each other. It's sad.

[newheart]

Oh Newheart, it happens to the best of us. Maybe he can change but it's hard to believe with someone his age. Do you know if he dated during this time that you guys were apart? Perhaps he saw there wasn't much out there that appealed to him and he realized what he gave up on..

 

I do wish the best for you, just try to be prepared mentally and emotionally for wherever this ride takes you. I won't tell you that you're making a mistake because I know how hard it is to give up on someone that you cared for so deeply. Just be careful and post here if you're feeling overwhelmed.

 

Thank you, Kellens, for your kind response.

 

Crazy thing is - I know he can't/won't change that piece - he has terrible communication skills, he has always had difficult expressing what his needs/wants are. Since I am not a mind reader of any type, this will happen again. I know this, without a doubt. I don't know what else I can do (if anything) to encourage him to express his feelings instead of allowing resentment to build up until he explodes. This is on him, not my responsibility. We actually discussed this, he acknowledges he does this and he stated that he will be mindful of this, but also stated that he is aware that this might happen again, it seems to be ingrained in who he is. He is annoyingly logical in all aspects of life, until he loses it and is completely illogical. Sigh. Now, I know this about him, I have no doubt it will happen again, yet I love him terribly and what the F am I doing!?

 

We aren't "back together" .... but we did have dinner last evening. There has been no physical contact, we aren't jumping back into bed together. We talked last night about "exploring" the opportunity of what we could still potentially have ... is it weird that, while I know that it would be harmful to jump back in, it bothers me that he isn't pressuring me for that?

 

Oh to answer your question - yes, he dated while we were apart (we were both on the same site, ironically, which is where he kept randomly 'checking in' on me and found lame excuses to make contact). It's stupid, because I was dating too, and at one point saw someone for two months. But it hurts me that he was dating. He did tell me he is off dating sites/not seeing anyone else while we explore this further to see what happens. He said he owes it to me, but doesn't expect me to do the same, he is just thankful I have agreed to see him at all at this point. (Of course, me being active on the dating site is the least of my desires at this point!) I am an idiot, because I probably should not be focusing solely on him, but in reality that isn't fair to other people because my heart is elsewhere.

 

So, one day at a time, I suppose.

[newheart]

I wish you love in the future, it was hard reading your post for me as I'm in

thought about ending things as I'm not fulfilled in my marriage and have not been for many years. It's not enough to love someone alone for the person they are, as humans we need passion, and physical attraction, which has lacked for some time now. And the result has left me looking at other women and dreaming of what it would be like to have all that again, sometimes I feel like maybe I don't deserve it, or I'm not attractive anymore. It plays with my confidence and leaves me questioning why things have come to this. I know I'd miss her a lot but I also can't live my life without sex and the hunger for one another when we see one another...that's been gone a long time now, it's like we've become, best of friends. It's gonna be a hard decision to move on, once you go forward you can't go back. We barely have anything interesting that talk about when we're with each other. It's sad.

 

Hi Kevin,

 

Thank you. I am sorry to hear about your struggle with your relationship. Since you are married, have you tried any type of professional marriage counseling? I'd hate to see you give up on someone who is your best friend, without exploring all options. I see this is your first post here too, so if you haven't already, I encourage you to post a new thread so you can get some support and feedback. They are a great bunch!

[jenny987]

Oh my gosh, Newheart, I just read all your last updates. I don't know what to say. I have felt all along that his messaging you via the dating site was so immature, and just really underscored his inability to communicate. So, I guess it's progress that he finally just came out and asked you to talk face to face.

 

The things he said - in some ways it's what a lot of people long to hear from their ex- that he still loves you, taking the blame for his issues, wanting to try again.

 

But, on the other hand, if you did try, wouldn't you always be waiting for the other shoe to drop? Say you started dating again, and you have one of those inevitable crazy periods with work projects going nuts, and the kids' activities kicking into high gear...would you be anxious that he was secretly resentful?

 

Has he done anything concrete to address his communication issues? Seen a therapist? Read a book about it?

 

Your post at 7 months, where you talk about sitting in your backyard, under the trees thinking about him was so wistful and so sad. You still love him. So to know he still loves you and wants to try again must seem like a dream come true in some ways. But...agh! I don't know. What would be different this time?

[HiCrunchy]

Hey,

 

Through ur posts I have found some comfort. I am happy knowing that I am not the only one that has loved so deeply.

 

You have a big heart, with a lot of love to give. Yes it has been 7 months (a year in my case) but time doesn't heal, it just makes you forget. I hope my memory gets worse.

 

At least your love has soon feelings, mine is gone with the cold wind.

 

Thank you for the post.

Edited September 20, 2017 by HiCrunchy

[newheart]

Oh my gosh, Newheart, I just read all your last updates. I don't know what to say. I have felt all along that his messaging you via the dating site was so immature, and just really underscored his inability to communicate. So, I guess it's progress that he finally just came out and asked you to talk face to face.

 

The things he said - in some ways it's what a lot of people long to hear from their ex- that he still loves you, taking the blame for his issues, wanting to try again.

 

But, on the other hand, if you did try, wouldn't you always be waiting for the other shoe to drop? Say you started dating again, and you have one of those inevitable crazy periods with work projects going nuts, and the kids' activities kicking into high gear...would you be anxious that he was secretly resentful?

 

Has he done anything concrete to address his communication issues? Seen a therapist? Read a book about it?

 

Your post at 7 months, where you talk about sitting in your backyard, under the trees thinking about him was so wistful and so sad. You still love him. So to know he still loves you and wants to try again must seem like a dream come true in some ways. But...agh! I don't know. What would be different this time?

 

Hi Jenny,

 

I think you are right on point with everything. I have no illusion that this is happily ever after, a dream come true, etc. I don't believe he has taken any official steps to work on his communication issues. While I appreciate his awareness of them, I don't doubt that it would happen again. That, and as you point out, I think I am a little traumatized by how he handled this last time, that I would always be worrying (obsessing) that there were some sort of underlying concerns that he wasn't sharing with me. I don't know how I would handle that, because I imagine me constantly asking if everything was okay/seeking reassurance would get old quickly (for both of us). So, I just don't know.

 

That all said, I do love him wholeheartedly. I guess though, there's that old song, sometimes love isn't enough. For now, I am taking things day by day.

 

***

 

I could use some additional support today, related, somewhat. His dog passed away (tragically, not expected). He is inconsolable. I don't know what to do for him ... I had a missed a late text from him last night (unusual for him to be up) so when I talked to him this morning, I spent 45 minutes listening to him sob. I offered to just be there for him, and he said that would be nice. He said he would call me later.

 

Not to be selfish at all, but it is weighing on me that this was the dog that he got with his ex-wife and she is there with his family today, took care of things and cleaned up. At his house. They had no children, and I fully realize that these dogs (there is one remaining) were like their kids. I feel ridiculous that this makes me uncomfortable, and selfish. But I don't mean to be, truly, it is just triggering my insecurities.

 

Overall, whatever happens, I wish I could take some of his pain away. It broke my heart to hear him that way.

[newheart]

Well ...

 

I saw him Thursday, Friday and Saturday. With his dog passing, I am not talking about 'us', just being there as needed ... basically, we spent many hours sitting on the couch, me listening to him, holding his hand. I did get him out of the house for a bit Saturday to play a game of golf (the - date? - he had originally asked me on prior to her passing) and we had as good of a time as we could, considering the circumstances. He invited me back for dinner out and he was quiet, worried about his other dog and withdrawn. It is hard, considering what happened earlier this year, to not make his quietness about me.

 

He thanked me for being there for him, and told me that it was nice to have me there, and not only because of her passing. I told him, and this is true, that even had we not had our conversation on Sunday, if he had called me to be there for him, I still would have been.

 

I've made a decision to just see what happens from here. It is difficult, to say the least. It is hard to see him in pain and know there is nothing I can do. It is also hard not to wonder if he were not going through this pain, where would we be right now? It is hard to not know what is next, because of my own relationship anxiety, where I am used to knowing exactly when I will see him again and what we are doing, for reassurance. But at the same time, there is freedom in (trying to) give up the control and allowing what will be to just be.

 

I realize that this is a sacrifice. I still loved him before he contacted me, and now spending time with him, feelings that I had tried so hard to ignore, they are still there. I find myself wanting more time with him, more physical contact with him (we haven't gone there, at all), but knowing that there are still so many things to work out.

[jenny987]

Newheart! You can’t leave a girl hanging like this…what is going on with you & your ex…are you still spending time together? Dating again? How are you feeling about everything? Whatever you are doing I hope it’s going well!

 

I had something interesting/horrible happen over the weekend. One of my good friends works for a big tech company, and a few months ago she introduced me to this guy who had come from their Australian office to work here in the US for 3 months. So, we hit it off, and I guess you could say we’ve been having a little fling. There really wasn’t a question of it developing into more- he has school-aged kids back in Australia, and I’ve got my life and job and kids here…but it was certainly a fun diversion! Anyway, his time here is coming to an end, and we went out for dinner on Friday.

 

We walked into this very crowded restaurant, and as the hostess was leading us to our table, who should we walk by but my ex’s brother and his brother’s wife. It was very jarring- the brother (J) & his wife (P) do not even live in this city. I had met them several times over holidays and other various events, they are both very nice. They were just as surprised, said they were in town visiting ex, and we made a minute or 2 of awkward conversation, I introduced the Australian to them, and thank God our table was not near theirs. After we had been seated and ordered our drinks, I did look over at their table, and they were finishing up and leaving. They waved good-bye across the restaurant, and I felt relieved.

 

After Australian & I had ordered our meals, I went to the ladies room. Well, I guess J & P had finished their meal but gone to sit in the bar area for an after dinner drink. P followed me into the ladies room and what followed was one of the more awkward conversations of my life. First, she was very tipsy. She said that my ex was actually supposed to be meeting them for dinner, but had an emergency at work and was still there (thank you, God). She said that ‘everyone’ knows our break-up was a huge mistake, that ex had not been himself since the break-up, that he had actually taken a 3 month leave from work to travel this summer, but even that had not cheered him up. She said “I know he still loves you, I know he regrets it.” I was just kind of miserably standing there, feeling myself getting very emotional. She asked about the Australian- was he my boyfriend? Was it serious? At this point I interrupted her and said I really did not want to be having this conversation. She kept trying to go on, and I finally told her that the ex had broken my heart, but I was trying to move forward as best I could, and hearing these things was not good for me. I gave her a quick hug, told her to take care, and rushed out of the ladies room.

 

I ended up explaining the whole thing to the Australian, which led to him telling me in great detail about his recent divorce. Fun times. Not the final night of romance I had envisioned with my fling!

 

Onwards and upwards, I guess. I honestly do not know how people who have to see their ex all the time deal with things. Just this 2nd degree run-in was a nightmare- and it’s been over 9 months!

[newheart]

(((Jenny)))!!!!

 

Ah, I would post updates more frequently but I don't know where is best to post, or if anyone still reads this, or - what is even happening in my life most days, lol. But I was so happy to see you check in!

 

Right now, we are still spending time together, dating but not fully committed to a relationship again as we are starting new (although we are not dating other people) - we jokingly called it "exploring" just to see what happens. This has been a challenge in itself for me, because despite everything, sometimes when I am with him I find myself wanting to just go back to how it used to be (even if that is wrong, sigh). We have not been intimate ... we are really just spending time together, talking, seeing how this goes. I have gone out a couple times with his friends again, which really has been fun and feels like old times. I saw his father for the first time the other day, which was both awkward and nice, he gave me a big hug.

 

Jenny, I know his issues are still there. And I don't want to pretend that they won't eventually rear their ugly head, or that this will have some magical ending. So I don't know what I am doing, or why I am doing it. Except that I just still love him. He also is still coping with the loss of his dog. He has expressed that he is worried this is abnormal grieving, but tomorrow will only be 3 weeks and she was like his baby. Everyone grieves differently, I try to reassure him that this is okay and just listen. He feels bad that this has happened at the same time as us talking again, but I am happy to be there for him.

 

I guess I realize that this may be crazy, and the odds are stacked against us, and I may be a complete and utter fool. Everything I say here will just sound like I am rationalizing my poor decision making, and that really isn't the case - I am well aware that my heart may (likely) break again, but I am exploring this with my eyes wide open because, quite simply put, no one has compared to him.

 

I have to say - it is almost eery how alike our exes were (are)! I learned that he had done little to nothing since we broke up, and he had an extremely tough time. He has not had one family or friend game night, no barbecues, not one kayaking trip. These are things we did ALL the time. It seems he fell into a depression of sorts (well, I know I did) where he neglected things in his life. Anyway, your conversation with P and your ex's current state reminded me of this. Perhaps avoidants outwardly project one way, but cope in the opposite.

 

Anyway, I am so sorry to hear about your run in (and your ruined night of romance!). HSometimes these things reopen our wounds, even just a little. I can't help but wonder what J and P are going to go back to your ex and say (sorry, I am sure you have thought it too). Thank goodness he was caught up at work!

 

Nice on the Australian fling

 

I wonder if people who have to see exes more frequently just learn to deal with it better/more quickly. For example, when going through my divorce, I had 3 small children and had to constantly be in contact/see XH. So I guess I learned to deal with it.

 

How have you been dealing with this since?

[jenny987]

Hi Newheart-

 

I have to say, I don’t think you are necessarily making a huge mistake. I mean, yes, there are issues that will most likely come up again, but everyone and every relationship has issues. It’s not like only perfectly “together”, issue-less people get to have love or relationships. I think the key is, if you know what’s going to come up, making a plan to deal with these things when they do. Are you guys talking about that?

 

Some ideas- what about both agreeing to read a relationship/communication book and then discussing some things in it? I just attended a seminar at my workplace about having crucial conversations, and the instructor was excellent, and recommended a book called “Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. ” He said it has helped his marriage immensely.

 

Or maybe agreeing to have a monthly “state of the relationship talk.” Like, the last weekend of every month, you agree to set aside an hour and discuss how things are going, what’s been good, what’s been bad, what changes you would like, etc.

 

Or maybe even both just vocalizing what you both see as the biggest impediment for a successful relationship, and strategies on how to deal with those issues.

 

I think the only way this could be a true disaster is if you just shut your eyes and jump back in without acknowledging the previous problems. But don’t be so hard on yourself. You love him, and he loves you, of course you want to try again!

 

Honestly, I think the only way to know if it’s going to work is to just get back in and try, but armed with some strategies and new outlooks. I really have my fingers crossed for you. ((hugs))

 

As for my situation- yes, after the run-in with ex's brother and SIL I have been thinking about my ex a bit more. Definitely wondering what, if anything, they told him about that night. From day 1 I have been sure that we would never get back together. My ex has extreme commitment issues, and I made it clear I wanted a commitment, so he knows if he ever came back, that would be what would need to happen. Now that all this time has passed, I can honestly say that I know I would not take him back. Commitment issues like that, especially in a middle-aged man, aren't fixable (in my opinion).

 

I will say, I did get a small (probably mean-spirited) sense of satisfaction knowing that he has also suffered in the aftermath of our break-up. And it definitely does not hurt to know that J & P probably told him I was with a man. During our awkward restroom conversation, P, in her tipsy state, said several times in reference to the Australian: ‘He’s handsome. And verrrry tall. So tall!’ My ex and his brother are both, well, not tall. LOL.

 

And finally, yes, like you, I got divorced when my kids were still fairly young so my I was just immune to my ex after a while. With other exes, after the break-up we fell into a semi-friendly situation and seeing them was not a problem. This one has felt so intense, we both went no contact, and although we live fairly close by, I live in a very densely populated area, so we have never run into each other. I'm sure it'll happen some day, sigh.

 

I hope you will continue to update and let us know how it's going!!

[Kellens]

Hi Newheart,

 

It's nice to read an update from you. It seems like things are going well for you since you're taking it slow. His grieving over his dog must be a lot to deal with on top of feeling out where you stand with him. I've never had any pets besides fish and turtles so I can't really understand how he feels, but if I cried when my turtle died, I think I would be completely devastated if my dog died. It is great for him that he has your support, I hope he appreciates it.

 

I'm sure it is easy to feel like you guys are back together sometimes, I think after you become intimate again is when it will really start feeling real. I applaud you on going slow but I can only imagine how hard it is to not be intimate, especially since you love him. I really hope that he treats you right and this can move forward in an emotionally healthy way for you. Please continue to update, I'm rooting for you!

[newheart]

Just checking in ... not sure I have much of an update, but here it is. We've been spending time together and that has been great. I still feel like he is difficult to read, and while I don't want to continuously be having relationship status discussions, we did talk about it again over the weekend.

 

I was glad we have talked more since reconnecting, and shared this, but did express that I still struggle with his communication because I don't want to revert to guessing what his wants/needs are, and that he is not very expressive emotionally so I don't know what he is thinking. He is aware, acknowledged that his family has always told him the same thing.

 

He said to me ... "I have no doubt that we could spend the rest of our lives together and be very happy" ... and that out of many relationships he's had, he's felt the most strongly for me, and that things are going very well for us and we are really progressing, although he acknowledged that his struggle with the pup's death was definitely a set back. He said that reaching back out to me to reconcile wasn't something he did on a whim, he thought about it for a long time and it was important to him.

 

But ... he also said he doesn't know what he wants, because we live very different lives being that I have kids and he does not. He gave this an example: if/when he retires, if he wanted to move away, he knew it would be an issue for me because I wouldn't leave my adult children. This is true, but, it seems ridiculous to me to be worrying about something 25 + years away. I am not minimizing this - I understand where he is coming from, and maybe it is just comes down to incompatibility and what we want long term, but I don't see the point of not entering a relationship now because you might want to move if you retire. Conversely, he stated that at some point he may want to purchase a mother/daughter where he can take care of his parents, and that would be something I'd need to be okay with. (which kind of contradicts his whole fear of retiring and not being able to move - which I think is more related to his attachment issues) Sometimes, I feel like he is a walking contradiction, sigh.

 

In the end, he thinks things are going really well for us. I would feel the same, except I feel unsettled about his reservations, because I can't (and wouldn't) change that I am a parent first, so he has to accept this or move on. As usual, our two issues are: his communication, my availability.

 

As an aside, he said to me that he thinks he needs to talk to someone professionally because he is feeling a lot of guilt and grief still over his dog's death, so I encouraged him to do so. He was tearful and said that while he acts okay each day, he is really not. I am very concerned about this, and hope that he does talk to someone.

 

Anyway, he continues to make plans as if we are continuing as a couple, and I am just taking it day by day. At some point, either we will move on together or move on apart.

[Kellens]

Hi Newheart,

 

I just wanted to see how you were doing. I hope things are progressing the way you want them too. I know it can be more difficult around the holidays because of the pressures and expectations that are put upon us, even in the best of relationships. Anyway, I just figured that I would check in!

[newheart]

I know I posted on my other thread, but wanted to thank you again Kellens for checking on me.

 

I am feeling particularly down today. Just a couple conflicts in the last couple of weeks that we haven't navigated particularly smoothly. Some days I catch myself thinking I am not happy, he can't possibly be happy, but then I never know what on earth he is thinking. The couple times I have brought it up, he has surprised me by saying he thinks things are progressing well, complete with examples of where we've improved. And I have to acknowledge there has been improvement in those areas - he is happier that we are talking more frequently when not together, and seeing each other more frequently. Yet, I still feel like I am sometimes on eggshells about things. Truth is, we are communicating more/better - as long as it doesn't include anything that could be perceived as negative, criticism, or conflict. Then he completely withdraws.

 

He isn't the same, and while I guess that makes sense and I don't necessarily want him to be the same person as last time because that won't work, I still struggle with how "cautious" he feels we need to be. He acts sometimes like he has PTSD, I swear. Sigh. That isn't nice I guess, I am just frustrated.

 

The afternoon is absolutely dragging on ... work is dead, and while I have plenty of projects to work on, with the impending holiday weekend and so much personal uncertainty, my heart isn't into anything at all right now.

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling down. This time of year can be really hard.

 

Reading your post, I can't help but think that "relatively new" relationships shouldn't be this hard. I'm still not convinced that there is not a basic incompatibility in this relationship, particularly as it relates to communication and conflict resolution. Although, I really respect the fact that you want to do everything you can do to make it work.

 

I hope 2018 brings the answers for which you are searching. Best wishes.

[BriNyc82]

Your ex sounds a lot like mine. I guess good guys can just be tortured souls inside and don't necessarily have the tools to communicate or get in touch with their feelings (or ours). A lot of what you wrote is verbatim what I have journaled. (i.e.: being a mind reader, conflict avoidant). I had to end it because I don't think he ever would have. My deeper needs werent getting met and I knew I couldn't be with someone who wasn't self aware enough to go to those uncomfortable vulnerable places with me. Or at least try. He had no reaction or opinions to our breakup and we haven't said a word since. It's really sad because like you, we didn't have fights, we had all positive memories, very tender moments, but all of our miscommunication and "conflict" was about his miscommunication and deflecting

 

I hope once the dust settles he will reach out but I'm not betting my money on it. He can live with the guilt of that. And hopefully he goes back to therapy to work on himself.

 

I'm happy you have him back in your life and you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. Just stay true to yourself. Also just a thought, have you thought about going to therapy with him or alone? I have thought about going bc i can get anxious and act off my emotions which is not super healthy.

[newheart]

Your ex sounds a lot like mine. I guess good guys can just be tortured souls inside and don't necessarily have the tools to communicate or get in touch with their feelings (or ours). A lot of what you wrote is verbatim what I have journaled. (i.e.: being a mind reader, conflict avoidant). I had to end it because I don't think he ever would have. My deeper needs werent getting met and I knew I couldn't be with someone who wasn't self aware enough to go to those uncomfortable vulnerable places with me. Or at least try. He had no reaction or opinions to our breakup and we haven't said a word since. It's really sad because like you, we didn't have fights, we had all positive memories, very tender moments, but all of our miscommunication and "conflict" was about his miscommunication and deflecting

 

I hope once the dust settles he will reach out but I'm not betting my money on it. He can live with the guilt of that. And hopefully he goes back to therapy to work on himself.

 

I'm happy you have him back in your life and you seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. Just stay true to yourself. Also just a thought, have you thought about going to therapy with him or alone? I have thought about going bc i can get anxious and act off my emotions which is not super healthy.

 

Yes, you characterized him perfectly.

 

I have been in therapy for my own issues, and believe it or not, made great progress, lol. He has not, and I don't think we are in the place to do couple's therapy (and sort of feel that is more reserved for marriages, if we need this dating I just think it isn't meant to be) ... I honestly don't think he will change. I don't think he can. I am not making excuses for him, I just think that he is who he is, and I likely cannot be happy with this type of person. I need someone who is clear and communicative, otherwise it just fuels my anxiety.

 

That said, here I am continuing to see him, continuing to make plans ... I just don't know when to call it quits, when to decide I've given it my all without feeling any regret.

[BriNyc82]

I definitely hear that! They have to want to change. I would often tell him that I don't want to change him. I can only tell him what my needs are and he can either be that person or he can't. He knows he needs to go back to therapy but I won't be the person who makes him go so he can resent me later on.

 

It's funny bc aren't we told we need to love people unconditionally. Even their dark sides? I think many of the reasons I was attracted to him in the beginning became things I couldn't deal with later on. I think it's really hard for someone to change at our age. I have seen it be done. But the person has to really want to change.

 

At least you are in this second time around with a little bit more clarity. And you know that if this doesn't work out that you gave it all your all. But something has to be different right? Don't they say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results?

 

I was reading through some of your prior threads and holy cr@&$ some of it felt like it was me. (When you were sick and he didn't check in and u txt him about forgetting about you). I know for you this was quite some time ago!! But it happened to me last month and I wholeheartedly understand your side. It goes back to basic values and making you feel secure and safe. I just wanted a simple txt asking how I was or if I needed anything. I think that's pretty reasonable! it was almost like he couldn't even connect to my pain.

 

Anyway I'm rambling. But everything will work out the way it's supposed to. It always does!!!

[newheart]

At least you are in this second time around with a little bit more clarity. And you know that if this doesn't work out that you gave it all your all. But something has to be different right? Don't they say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results?

 

I keep telling myself this - at the very least, I know I have truly tried and I will have no regrets. Though not perfect, I've also communicated more this time around. And oddly enough, if this doesn't work out, this time together has enabled me to view the relationship a little more realistically. I think after our break up I was missing him intensely because I was focusing on the best parts, my perception of the relationship seemed to be through rose colored glasses, if you will. Now I see his imperfections with more clarity (which is fine because no one is perfect), but I think I will be able to move on more confidently that I have done the right thing.

[newheart]

I don't really have an update, just a need to write. This week is the one year anniversary of everything falling apart, and I feel a little bit like I am freaked out by that. I might be overthinking things, worrying unnecessarily a bit. On the other hand, I feel like I have been patient and have been accepting less than I am looking for from a partner these last few months. It is no secret that things haven't progressed as smoothly as I would have liked, and I never expected it to be a fantasy reunion. I think my expectations are/were realistic. I don’t feel like he is fully committed to me, to us. He still has this wall up. Maybe it is fear, maybe it is something else, or even someone else. It doesn’t really matter, if the outcome is that I am unhappy. When I feel like I need to make a decision, we share a moment where I remember why I am here and this person I loved, and I am not ready to give up. Yesterday, he returned from a business trip and we had such a lovely day together. He made reservations at a fancy restaurant for my birthday on Friday, and I am really looking forward to that. Yet, there is something, some gut feeling that tells me that something is not right.

 

Many days, I feel like I need to let go and move on, but I am afraid of prematurely making that decision and walking away from the person I once loved more than any other romantic partner in my life. I don’t want to ever look back and wonder ‘what if?’

 

Everyone says when I know it’s time, I will know … does one ever really know, though?

 

A song resurfaced on my playlist that I had found our first breakup ... kind of dark, yet somehow still painfully relevant. (Litost by X Ambassadors if anyone is interested)

 

What have I done

With my heart on the floor

I must be out of my mind

To come back begging for more

But if you stay

If you just stay for the night

Swear that I'm yours

And I'll prove that I'm right

 

And these flies kept me sleeping

All my fears on their wings

And your grandfather clock is still ticking

But the chime never rings

And how long must I stay

Will I lay by your side

Just to say that I'm yours

And you'll never be mine

 

With this love like a hole

Swallowed my soul

Dragging me down

And there's blood on the covers

From the curses we uttered

To each other

You played your part in this

 

Why play hide-and-go-seek

Safe behind your veneer

Does it bury your burden baby

Makes it all disappear

And those marks on your thighs

Don't they sting when you bleed

It's the way that you are

And the way I'll forever be

 

With this love like a hole

Swallowed my soul

Dragging me down

And there's blood on the covers

From the curses we uttered

To each other

You played your part

With this love like a hole

Swallowed my soul

Dragging me down

And I swear I'll stay with you

But I just can't forgive you

And I'll never be whole again

[divegrl]

This is very sad to read.

 

It seems like you are in a lot of pain. I can’t give you advice on what to do. But my friend sent me a quote. “The right man will make you feel warm, safe and secure.”

 

I think we all deserve this. To feel love and accepted just as we are.

 

I hope you find the answers you are looking for soon. Hugs my friend.

[Chabela]

Hi Newheart,

 

I just came across this thread, I haven't read it in a while and just came to the lasts page. I see that you are back with your ex and working things out. I think I've been on hear before with my story.

 

In a nutshell, I was with my ex for a yr and 2 months. At 5 1/2 months he asked for a break right after we had comme back from a four day vacation, our first time sleeping overnight together. At the time I was separated although for yrs and still had my 17 yr old living at home, so sleeping at the boyfriend's house wasn't a thing that I did. I never stayed over at his house. When we were together 8 months I wanted to but he always came up with an excuse for that not to happen. On New Year's day he asked for another break which lasted 3 weeks. I was heartbroken, then 3 wks later he reaches out and wants to get back together, that lasted 2 months when he broke up with me. Again, the reasons made non sense, we did the same things all the time blah, blah, blah,.

 

All this time I hardly had any contact with his friends, it was as though he had 2 separate lives. Needless to say I was devastated.

 

During this time I started hanging out with a large group of people and having. I made awesome friendships, this was life saving for me. He made me feel so unlovable, unwanted and I was at a low. I felt that at my age I wouldn't ever find someone as perfect as him.

 

During this time I learned about Avoidants and realized that he was one. Two months after the break up he once again asked to get back together, he said that he was in counseling because I deserved better, and I was special and he didn't want to lose me.

 

That lasted 2 weeks before he went on an over night trip and took a female friend instead of me and didn't even tell me until the day before he left. Nothing was going on with this friend, it's just that Avoidants need human connection but can't handle intimacy. But I was furious and so hurt and jealous. We had a big fight and we decided to date, take it slowly no sex. We went on a couple of dates in the course of 2 weeks.

 

At this time he started texting a female friend in another state and his emotional needs were met there and he ended up ghosting me. No explanation just stopped communication.

 

I was extremely hurt and thank God for my friends, they made me feel loved and excepted. Little by little I did realize that it wasn't me, he had the problem, he would never be in a healthy relationship at 50 yrs old that was never going to change.

 

I met someone shortly after, and I have to say I thought the ex was perfect and on paper he truly is but my current boyfriend is even better.

 

I suffered constantly with anxiety with the ex, always walking on eggshells..didnt want to rock the boat. I did have am incredible connection with him, like never before. And I still to this day have feelings for him, while no longer in love with him. I would never take him back, I deserve so much more than he can give. It took me some time to get over things, we keep in touch. He took me out for dinner for my birthday, he brought me a Christmas gift. I do know that he cares about me and he feels the loss. I know that he quietly suffers because he will always be alone and that's not what he wants bit he can't handle intimacy. He knows I've moved on, and we are actually in a good place and I'm so happy about that. And although I have suffered alot, I'm greatful for the experience. I know that if I can survive that I can survive any other breakups.

 

Now I have a boyfriend that includes me in his life, I've meet his friends and his family I stay at his house every weekend. He's open to discussing anything, he's supportive and affectionate. It's a totally different relationship, and I some times do feel a bout of anxiety for no reason other than my recent relationship, I do soothe myself and know that I am beautiful and valuable and I am more secure than anxious. And I get hit on constantly now, before it was like crickets lol.

 

I am sorry this is long, but I must wanted you to know that you deserve to be happy. I get that you love this man but you would be making all of the sacrifices in a relationship with an avoidant. It doesn't sound like that's what you really want. Focus on you, meditate, clear yiur mind and ask what is best for you. Join the gym and make new connections. Although I'm in a relationship I will not give up hanging out with my friends, they feed my soul.

 

Good luck to you sweetheart!

[newheart]

I am feeling unloved / unlovable today. What a pathetic confession, but true.

 

Work has been a terrible mess of stress lately. I have a stressful job on it's best days, but we are going through a restructure and I have had to inform many people or some not so pleasant employment changes, and it is wearing on me.

 

BF has wanted to spend more time together lately, and I can't keep up. Until this week, when, the moment I can't be there, the wall raises. The blinds close. He goes in his cave. Whatever you want to call it ... I knew it would happen. I couldn't see him a couple times this week, and last night when I finally did, he was very distant. When I don't see him and I am excited to see him, it is like it has the opposite effect with him and it creates a rift. The more time I spend with him, the happier he is/closer we are. But life is not that simple, there are work and family obligations. I don't know, maybe I am reading to much into last night, but overall this week hasn't been great.

 

I am losing steam ... work, kids, him, I am spread so thin. I woke up repeatedly last night, a broken hearted feeling heavy in my chest. I no longer think it is even worth talking to him about. He isn't the same person I fell in love with, his caution and lack of ability to be vulnerable with me is suffocating what could be. It must seem bizarre to others, I only come here to talk about the negatives, and why the hell am I still trying this? It isn't all negative, there is so much good to him, and we have such a good time together. But I can't hang my happiness on him when it is so precarious.

 

I am close to making the call, it is just a matter of - do I bother talking about it, or do I just walk away? Which will be less painful in the long run, which will cause me fewer regrets? Sigh.